Beware Monday the 13th!

This morning I hit the snooze button.

Now there's a fucking pointless invention.

"I'm really fucking tired right now, but if I had, oh, I don't know, maybe... five... yeah... if I had just five more minutes to sleep THEN (and only then) I would feel completely refreshed."Has that ever happened to you? It's 9am (look, I know what you're thinking and you can shut the fuck up! I didn't wake up until 9am this morning, so what? I don't tell you how to live your life.) and your alarm goes off. You feel exhausted, you've never been more tired in your life (welcome to my day-to-day. Every day is worse than the last. 7, 8, 10, 13 hours of sleep, it doesn't matter, it still sucks to wake up). But wait! There is hope! With one clever movement of your arm, you hit a magic little button granting you five more minutes rest! Huzzah! You earned it, friend!

And it works! Five minutes later you wake up 100% rested, wandering why you even needed the silly snooze button before. Has this happened to you before? It has? You're seriously telling me you were dead tired at 9:00am, but at 9:05 you felt like a million euros?

Bullshit, sir or madam.

The snooze button makes less sense than SPEED. In fact, I would go as far as to say that it feels backwards that snooze buttons are reality and SPEED is fiction (maybe I exaggerate just a little. SPEED is total bullshit).

Who came up with 5 minutes as the industry standard for snooze alarms (ISSA for short), anyway?

"You know, Gary, after testing your invention for months, R&D (research and development for long) has come to the conclusion that four minutes is simply not enough sleep to feel 'fine and dandy', while six minutes is a grossly over-sized amount of sleep that has people feeling simply, for lack of a better word, much too 'rested', not being able to sleep again for months."

"Let's make the ISSA 5 minutes then, Reginald." I mean, God forbid I should sleep 7 extra minutes. Or 6 1/2. Or 3.

Does that make my snooze button a freak? Cause mine is 9 minutes. I don't want to be superficial or anything, but should I go looking for a more attractive snooze alarm? One that has the more conventional 5 instead of the larger and less appealing 9? I mean, I've been with my snooze alarm for going on 3 years now, but maybe it's time to call it quits.

"It's not you, it's me. I just can't go on sleeping for 9 extra minutes when the leading study shows that 5 minutes is the perfect amount."

And if 5 minutes makes little to no sense, then 9 minutes does make no sense. How did they come up with that one? At least 5 is a multiple of 5. 9? Whose ass was 9 pulled out of? My snooze button might as well be 6 1/2 minutes. Or 7 and 5/17ths.
Does anyone actually even sleep for those five minutes (or in my case 9)? I usually spend those extra, hard earned minutes dreading the reappearance of the shrill beeping alarm. Sure I sometimes get in a dream or two about showing up to school without pants (or showing up to sex with pants... that cannot be removed) but for the most part, I spend my extra time either watching the clock slowly tick away my sublime sleepy time and/or considering whether or not to hit the snooze alarm again so I can repeat the process.

So really, all I'm trying to say here is "What the fuck is the point of the snooze button?"

It doesn't make any sense. If I really wanted more sleep I would plan on my hitting the snooze alarm the next morning and would simply set my alarm for 5 (or 9) minutes later. That way it would be 5 (or 9) minutes of actual sleep, not just extra time in bed watching the clock.

It's really just a delay of the inevitable. So I guess, it's all a metaphor for life. So if the snooze button is a metaphor for life, is that enough to warrant it's existence?

Fuck no!

Fuck the snooze alarm. I hereby add it to my list of things I hate but still use on a semi-regular basis, joining the likes of COSTCO, McDonald's, and hookers.