Amazon or Why My Children Will Never Get Immediate Gratification

I see it all the time. A mother and her children are at Barnes and Noble. She is there for something unrelated to them, perhaps for the latest selection for her book club (whatever book is about to become a movie) or maybe a birthday present for her brother-in-law. But, when you bring children shopping, it often ends with buying them a gift. Whether is a Magic Tree House book for only $3.99 or one of our Where The Wild Things stuffed animals which are now 50% off, quite often kids leave B&N with a little gift (because our prices are insane-ane-ane...ly overpriced... unless their is a sale). Just so they know their mother still loves them (because every child knows that not getting a gift is a clear sign you need to run away from home and join a band of child pick pockets run by a one eyed man who beats you when you don't come up with the goods like the occasional golden pocket watch).
I see it when I shop at Target. The family's doing some shopping, buying toilet paper and such. little Carlos gets a new toy though, because he's special (and he threw a fit). It's not Christmas, it's not Hanukkah (most likely not, anyway, but who can be sure? Only Jews are aloud to know the date and it's the longest Holiday ever! People are still literally buying Hanukkah gift cards from me at B&N), it's not some Holiday invented in the last 50 years like Kwanzaa. It's just time to reward little Pedro with a Transformer (what can I say, there are always a lot of Hispanics at my Target. I'm not being racist or anything, but if you know me, you know I never misrepresent demographics, not even when blogging.).

My childhood was no different. Though a trip to Target very rarely ended with me deciding not to run away from home, there were special occasions when I did get a present for doing absolutely nothing but whining. I remember once when I went to Disney Afternoons on Ice with my family. You know the one. They had an ice show that incorporated such classic Disney Afternoon shows as Tail Spin, Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers (Chi-chi-chi-chip and Dale, Rescue Rangers! Chi-Chi-chi-chip and Dale! When there's Danger!), and Darkwing Duck (let's get dangerous! [not a very good message to pass onto children. It's a wonder I'm still alive when there were messages like that in my TV shows]).
Anyway, at this Disney Afternoons on Ice Show, my parents bought me a Darkwing Duck stuffed animal. It was awesome! But it had to be pricey. I mean, we were at an Ice Show, at whatever Denver called the Pepsi Center's predecessor (was it Nichol's Arena or something?). And it's Disney! A sporting arena and the House of Mouse. I can't think of a alternative equation that could lead to a more overpriced toy.

Anyway, all that build up and explanation to get to a point that I gave away in the title (I really suck at this blog writing "business"): my children will never get a spur of the moment present like that Darkwing Duck stuffed animal (here I go blogging about my fictional children again). Go ahead Children, throw a tantrum and run away from home! I don't care (I am going to make a wonderful father).
Why in the world would I buy my kid anything at the store when anything and everything can be procured cheaper on Amazon.com? That's right, ladies and gentlemen, in case you have been living under a rock like Bin Laden, everything in the world is cheaper on Amazon. If you buy stuff anywhere else, like Target or Barnes and Noble, you are fucking stupid. That item would have been 10 cents on Amazon!

So, I may spoil my child rotten with gifts (because I will be so thankful they exist so I can really start to write about them without seeming baby crazy [which I've proven dudes can be {so weird}]), but they will all be gifts he doesn't want anymore.

My son, Nick Jr. (no relation to the network, all relation to me [hopefully, but if he is not white at least I'll know]), will see that toy he wants at Target. And he will put up a fit to get it. But he won't, not then.

I'll add it to a list of toys he wants. Then, once I have $25 worth of toys on my "good father" list (which will be hundreds with Amazon's amazingly low prices), I'll head to amazon.com and buy them all, able to get my free super saver shipping because I spent a minimum of $25. With the free super saver shipping, the toys will take a week or so for Amazon to mail, and then another week to ship. So, by these calculations (time spent to build up $25 dollars worth of toys with Amazon's shockingly low prices, time taken for Amazon to park toys, time taken to for toys to reach our place of residence), my son will recieve toy he's ever wanted when after he turns 21 (I would still love to get that Tonka Car you can actually drive, parents). It's a win/win. I saved thousands of dollars thanks to www.amazon.com, plus waiting builds character. So Nick Jr. will have a shit ton of character (even if he does hate his father).
My daughter, on the other hand, will get everything she's ever wanted the moment before she even knows she wants it. Because she is (will be) daddy's little girl.




This blog brought to you by www.amazon.com.

DISNEYLAND IS POISONING ITS CUSTOMERS!

Okay, let me start off with a disclaimer. Now, I don't have in front of me a big ole' book o' facts that proves that Disneyland is poisoning park goers. I don't have any real 'evidence' that links the deaths of people who have been to Disneyland to the poison that I'm claiming Disneyland pumps into the air. I have though, drawn my own facts and evidence from the more general facts that I do have, just as Walt Disney would have drawn Mickey Mouse from the pen and paper that he was provided.

So let's get into this giant conspiracy, shall we?

First, the facts I do have...

FACT: Disneyland appeals to ALL the senses.

Sight. Disneyland manages to visually appeal to people of all sorts. The kids think it looks like a playground, Stoners can't believe all the pretty colors and talking animals (its the only place where a talking mole would not result in murder/suicide), and for pedophiles who are sexually attracted to children there really is no happier place on Earth.

Unrelated FACT: NAMBLA hosts all of its retreats at Disneyland.

Sound. Find me one person on planet Earth who doesn't like hearing 'It's A Small World' played on repeat. Likewise, the only thing people love more than 'Small World' is that Journey cover band they always have playing in Tomorrowland. My own personal favorite is that ole' diddy "It's a Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow" featured prominently on the Carousel of Progress.

Taste. If you have money to shell out, you can get sweets like no other. From cookies to McDonald's french fries, there's really no assortment of food quite like that at Disneyland. Even the water tastes like candy!

Touch. You'll never get a splinter from Dinseyland's fake wood! It's smooth to the touch, not unlike the wood provided by NAMBLA (also found at Disneyland!).

SMELL. See how I put that in all caps? It's because this is where it finally gets important.

FACT: The ENTIRE park of Disneyland smells oddly sweet. It seems impossible, but it is true. No matter where you turn, Adventureland, Frontierland, Tomorrowland, yadda yadda yadda, it all smells exactly the same. The whole park smells like one of those Nutty Bavarian nut stands; like sugar roasted almonds.

Now I ask you, how is this possible?

Logic would suggest that the smell is a result of there being a nut stand on every corner. And this would make sense, as everyone knows that little boys love nothing more than a handful of sweet nuts (which brings me to NAMBLA yet again). But this is not the case, I have been to Disneyland and I have only seen 1, maybe 2, nut stands (but don't worry, NAMBLA is making sure there are enough nuts for all the good little boys).

Is it possible that this smell is the result of a single nut stand? There's a nut stand in the Pepsi Center, but the entire arena does not smell like sweet, sweet, sugary nuts.

No, the only answer is that the smell is artificial. Disneyland must be pumping the smell into the park via some sort of ventilation system on the ground. In all seriousness (perhaps the only time I will really be frank in this blog) I honestly believe that this is the case. Image is very important to Disneyland, and who wants to go to a place that smells like a bunch of machinery and sewage (a lot of the OC smells like sewage from time to time, a phenomenon I refer to as 'Shit Pockets')? If anyone would pump an artificial smell into their park to make it more appealing, it would be Disney. I've even heard rumors that this is true, the smell at D-Land is artificial and pumped into the park. I honestly cannot think of another theory that makes sense. Though I can't prove it, I believe this theory like some people believe in aliens, or God, or Global Warming, with every ounce of me.

Back to my original tone.

What's crazier? Believing my theory or believing in this guy?

FACT: Disneyland is pumping an artificial, sweet smell into it's park.

Now, common sense tells us that playing with gases is dangerous and can be hazardous to the health of humans. How many times have we proven something we chemically altered to be safe, only to find out years later that it has negative effects? Like it causes cancer or kills you or something?

The answer is every time.

Imagine please for a moment, you are the preserved head of Mr. Walt Disney himself.

A minion comes to you and says, "Sir, chemical 11356 has been proven to be toxic."

YOU (Walt Disney's head)
What?

MINION
Item 11356. The gas we developed to
make the park smell like sweet nuts.

YOU
I know what it is, you fool. I am all
powerful and all knowing!

MINION
Well, it's causing death in some of our
older park goers.

YOU
I see.

MINION
It seems that the gas stays in a person's
system years after they leave the park,
causing them to die around the age of 40.

YOU
Very well. Thank you for bringing this to my
attention, though I already knew it because
I am all powerful and all knowing.

MINION
How do you want us to proceed? Shall we
cease use of item 11356?

YOU
Excuse me, Did I fucking say that?

MINION
Well, no, sir...

YOU
Then why would you fucking do that?

MINION
But, sir....

YOU
Look, it's simple economics. Our main
clientele is children. Item 11356 is not
killing children, is it?

MINION
Well, sir, not until they grow up, sir.

YOU
Exactly. It doesn't kill anyone until they
grow up and have children of their own.
So our company is not affected.

MINION
Very well, your darkness-ness.

YOU
If anything this helps us. Who spends
more at Disneyland? A kid whose uptight
father won't even let him get a $10 churro,
or an orphan whose parent's left him all their
money?

End scene.

Thank you for playing Mr. Walt Disney's head so convincingly. I especially loved the sinister laugh you added at the end.

Here's what it all boils down to...

FACT: There is a sweet smell that encompasses all of Disneyland.

CLOSE TO FACT: This smell is artificially produced and pumped into the park.

NOT QUITE A FACT: Since the smell is artificially produced it could possibly have negative side effects down the line, such as poisoning people to death.

FACT: Even if Disney discovered that they were accidentally poisoning park goers, as long as business was not disrupted and no one else found out, they would keep doing it cause presentation is everything (and smell is presentation). And as you so aptly pointed out when you were Walt Disney's head, if the gas only kills park goers once they are adults who have their own kids, business is not disrupted. In fact, you also proved that a loaded orphan would spend more at Disneyland than a kid whose parents just lost a bunch of cash due to our crummy economy.

So, I can't necessarily prove Disneyland is poisoning you, but, think about it, what's to say their not? I've set up a scenario here where they would logically not mind doing it and I'd wager there are other money grubbing scenarios where they wouldn't bat an eyelid if a few hundred thousand park goers died at the ripe old age of 45 because of their decisions.

Please don't sue me.



And might I add, 'What the fuck is this?'