The Catholic Church's Greatest Atrocity Against Mankind

 First off, let me say this. Only someone raised Catholic is allowed to bash the Catholic Church, The Vatican, Catholics, or the Nazi Pope. Saying anything negative about the Church, no matter how true, is anti-Semitic (well, the Catholic version) unless you are a Catholic or you were raised Catholic (But not if you were raised by Catholics. This ain't no Jungle Book type situation). If I can't say the Jews are greedy and hoard their gold or that Blacks, excuse me, African Americans are all thieves, then you can't say what you want to about Catholic Priests. Doesn't matter which statements are true and which are false.

Since I am Catholic, I will say what we are all thinking relating to horrid stories we have seen in the media as of late...

 What the fuck are Catholics (and Christians) thinking when they close the mall today!?!

It's a Sunday. Some people just want to go to the mall!

"I don't believe in Jesus," you may be thinking, "I should still be allowed to overpay for damaged jeans. I should still be allowed to make myself sick by eating Panda Express in the food court."

You'd be right, if you said that. And let's face it, you did.

The Catholic Church has been responsible for some pretty horrible things over the centuries, but closing the Westside Pavilion Mall in Los Angeles may just be the most vile, wretched, heinous act imaginable. No, no "mays" here. It IS the most vile, wretched, heinous act imagainable.

What about all those Jews who want overpriced clothes and a sickening heap of Panda boredom? What about those Catholics who would prefer to spend the anniversary of the day Zombie Jesus rose from the grave only to be redeadened, in the mall away from their extended families? What about that poor employee on the third floor of the Westside Pavilion Barnes and Noble who gets asked by every customer who just saw that the mall is closed, if the mall is closed?

I've let a lot of stuff fly in the past, Catholic Church. Going to Church every week was one thing. Not allowing Gays to marry was kinda a dick move. Molesting kids probably wasn't the best decision ever. But closing the fucking mall on a Sunday?!?

Someone needs to take action against the Catholic Church and that Nazi Pope. CLOSING THE MALL WILL NOT STAND!

Whew... I just went a whole blog, that was written during an Earthquake, without mentioning Earthquakes once. Or twice for that matter. Nice.



Oh.... fuck...

Now, That's a Fortune (A Fortune Cookie Fortune)!

I had Panda Express for lunch today.

(More like taste the stomach acids! Am I right? 

More like Chinese for upset stomach! Am I right?)

I know, right? I don't even enjoy that shit.

Still, I felt the compelling urge to eat some Panda. So, I did. And a funny thing happened... I enjoyed it. Every last bite. In fact, instead of the Panda boredom setting it, as each bite brought me closer and closer to the end of my Panda meal, I actually became fearful. Fearful that I would soon be out of delicious Panda.

I believe they are drugging me. How else could I have gone from one who only enjoyed 3 bites of Panda Express to someone who nearly cried over the lack of Panda by the end of my meal? Also, how else can my recurring trips to Panda Express be explained? Why else would I be having these Panda cravings? They must be drugging me! I'm addicted to the Panda drug!

But, this wasn't the only surprising revelation I had on my thirty minute Barnes and Noble lunch break (I accomplish a lot in thirty minutes [you have no idea]). I also got a fortune cookie fortune that -- waaaaait for it -- was actually a goddamn fortune! Imagine that!

"YOUR TALENTS WILL CAPTURE YOU THE HIGHEST STATUS AND PRESTIGE
PANDA EXPRESS * PANDA INN"

I'm not sure why the fortune cookie shouted at me. Nor do I think the part about the hotel just for Pandas was meant for me. But, the other part was pretty damned closed to being a legitimate fortune. Mazletov, Fortune Cookie Fortune Writers! You have certainly earned your FCFWGA card today!

I wonder what talents it speaks of? I'm inclined to think writing talents, because, let's face it, my writing talent is fucking limitless. You're reading what I'm writing, aren't you? And you're a very discerning person dealy.

But who knows? It could be some yet undiscovered unbridled talent. Maybe I'll be the next Peyton Manning. You know, be the best quarterback during the regular NFL season but preform questionably in the post season. Or, maybe it's some yet undiscovered talent in cunnilingus (is that were the worst word imaginable comes from? [You know... the C-Word...]). Watch out ladies (and men with Vaginas)! Or, maybe, it's my talent as a DVD/Bluray organizer. Not sure how that one (or the cunnilingus one) will earn me the highest status and prestige, but hey, the world often works in mysterious ways. 

 

(If you think I wrote about Peyton just so I could image search him again then... well... fuck you!)

Whatever-the-case, good work, my fortune cookie fortune writing friends. You're on the right track.

Just imagine how cool it would have been if you had written this instead...

"YOUR TALENTS IN SCREENWRITING WILL CAPTURE YOU MANY PROFITABLE STUDIO WRITING GIGS AND ACADEMY AWARDS

PANDA EXPRESS * PANDA INN"

You would have surely flipped my fucking lid. It would have been so oddly specific to me, that I would have totally bought that lie. You could have changed my life!

No matter how poor I got, no matter how miserable, no matter how many years I tried and failed, I never would have left LA if I had gotten the fortune. I could have been 80, and my (still living) friends would have been like, "Give it up man. You're 80! If you didn't make it as a writer 30 years ago, it's never going to happen! Quit your Barnes and Noble job and move back to Colorado you old fuck!"

And I would have sipped my wine and been like "Fuck you, sonny, for not believing in me. That fortune cookie fortune, 59 years ago said I was going to be somebody! I was going to be a contender! And I'm not giving up until I am!" (At age 80, I still drift in and out of semi-movie quotes.) 

You could have ruined a person's life with your writing skills! My life! How bitchin' would that have been?

All writers aspire to destroying a human being with naught but words. Where do you think the old "Pen is mightier than the sword" adage came from?

It's complete bullshit, but writers have been trying to prove the opposite for years. 

So, nice improvement fortune cookie fortune writers. But don't stop there. This is only the beginning! The beginning of a wonderful, life destroying future. 

God's speed.

Fortune Cookie Fortune Writers Need to Grow A Pair (Of Testicles)

Dear Fortune Cookie Fortune Writers,

You should all have your memberships to the FCFWGA (Fortune Cookie Fortune Writer's Guild of America) revoked. Never, in all my twenty-one (nearly twenty-two) years of life and one month of being a trashy "journalist" (aka blogger) have I seen such a disregard for the responsibility your job entails.

It is your job to write fortunes! Not advice! If I wanted advice I would turn to an old, bearded Chinese man, not an old, crunchy Chinese cookie.

Just last week I was eating at the Panda Express in the food court in the mall across the bridge from my Barnes and Noble -

- And that's another thing! What's the deal with Panda Express? I'm always happy when I begin a "meal" of Panda Express, but I always stop, about halfway through my "meal," and think to myself, "Why the fuck am I eating Panda Express?" It's the only fast food place I can think of that I regret eating while still in the middle of a "meal." I've never once finished Panda Express satisfied. I swear to Shat, halfway through every "meal" of Panda Express, I have regrets. I'm not regretting the fat intake, cause I really don't give a shit. It's like the food isn't tasty after the first few bites. It starts tasty, that chicken tastes so Goddamn Orange, but then it gets tiresome. And, no, I can't just order less food so I stop eating before the Panda boredom sets in. Because then I'd still be hungry. Even if I don't enjoy the second half of my Panda "meal," at least I'm full of Panda afterward. -

- But that is neither here nor there. Last week, I was eating at the Panda Express in the food court in the mall across the bridge from my Barnes and Noble when I got this lame fortune, "..." Okay. That is where I would quote the fortune, but I admit, I lost it. I saved it because it was so incredibly lame, but then I lost it before this blog came to fruition. Which is also incredibly lame, on so many levels.

But, I'll paraphrase. It basically said if I'm more outgoing, I'll make more friends. Or something. And granted, that's good advice. Advice I really should take. Me specifically. So that is kind of fortunate. But it ain't a fucking fortune!

And Today's fortune (why the fuck do I keep buying Panda Express?! I only enjoy it for, like, 10 bites [Answer: Because I can't eat McDonald's and Charley's Steakhouse Sandwiches everyday.]!) was... and this time I do quote because I managed to save it for less than twelve hours, "Express yourself, Do something creative."

Granted, also very wise advice. And it does apply to me (but really, both these examples apply to everyone with a pulse!). Could be talking about screenwriting more, or this blog, or the other creative endeavors I sideline everyday for less productive activities. But this is from a crunchy Chinese cookie! Not a bearded Chinese man! So no good! No good at fucking all.

You've got the best writing gig in the world, Fortune Cookie Fortune Writers! All writers, whether they be screenwriters, novelists, or some other type of writer who doesn't matter at all, wish they were fortune cookie fortune writers! It's the gig of a lifetime!

Just think about it! You can give people hope! Or turn them into hermits who never have sex or leave their homes... ever!

I think this lack of actual fortune writing comes from a fear of not being correct. But think about it, how will you ever be correct if you don't try? Sure, you're probably batting pretty damned near close to a thousand when you say "Be more outgoing, make more friends," but how much cooler would it be if you said "You will fall in love today" and were correct?

And even that's just playing it safe. You could predict all kinds of crazy shit.

"You're going to win a million dollars this month." 

"You're going to get promoted to CEO of your company this week!"

"You're going to fall in love this year... with a one legged pelican named Melinda.... who happens to be the same sex as you. Surprise, you're a homosexual!" (You had to hear it from a cookie. Ouch [Then again, is there anything more honest than a cookie?].)

Sure, you're going to be wrong most of the time. In fact, I wouldn't advise ever getting as specific as that last example. But, eventually, you're going to be right. Someone is going to fall in love the same day they cracked open YOUR cookie! And you are going to be THE FUCKING MAN (even if you'll never know it. And they'll never know your name or what-not because the FCFWGA guidelines strictly state there is no credit in the fortune cookie fortune writing business. Trust me, this IS for your own protection, especially after you predict someone is going to fall in love this year with a one legged pelican named Melinda who happens to be the same sex as them.)!

Imagine how terrifying it will  be for that person when a fortune actually comes to pass. Even if it was something as wonderful as falling in love, they'll always doubt the dark magic of that cookie. That fucking cookie. Maybe it will taint their relationship, making them secretly loathe their life partner until the day they die, bitter and alone. See, this is the kind of shit you were looking forward to when you enrolled in Fortune Cookie Fortune Writing School, wasn't it?

I know you're embittered yourself now, having seen the cruel reality of the fortune cookie fortune writing industry, so let's try to recapture that wonder you felt when you were a fortune cookie fortune writing virgin. The terror inspired by an innocent fortune coming true is just the tip of the iceberg.   Think about the fun you could be having with this gig!

Why not write terrifying fortunes? Start with the vague, innocent fortunes at first, so when people start hearing rumors about fortunes coming true, that's when you scare the shit out of them. Now, start predicting horrible things.

"You will get AIDs next time you have sex!"

"You will die in a fiery plane crash next time you fly!"

"Your significant other is cheating on you! And he/she is plotting with his/her better lover to murder you so he/she can be happy again because you're strangling the life out oh him/her!"

Okay, so that last one wasn't a fortune. But it's damn fun.

Really, you can be as sadistic as you want, it's your industry, fortune cookie fortune writers. But, next time, when I eat another regrettable meal at Panda Express, there had better be a fucking fortune in that fortune cookie! You lazy pricks.

Best,
Nick