The Modern Tragedy: Full Price Pizza

Today I got raped by Papa John.

That's right, the good papa, Papa John Pizza (not actual last name, I bet), pulled down my pants, and stuck his dick in my butt hole. Lubed up with Pizza Sauce, he entered and exited, entered and exited, ENTERED AND EXITED!!! Faster and faster! In out, out in! HE RAPED ME!

Oh... God... I'm sorry... I've just never been raped by a Pizza mascot before... I'm distraught...

If you can't trust the Pizza Mascots, who can you trust?

I know they said "Avoid the Noid," but he had a heart of Gold.

Literally. His anatomy was different than ours because he wasn't people.

Too bad for him hearts of gold don't pump blood that well (or at all, for that matter). RIP Noid. You are missed (until Domino's reboots you).

Anyway, all this making light of rape has gotten me off topic. No, I wasn't literally raped by Papa John Pizza. I've never been raped... by a Pizza Mascot... Not yet, anyway (Seriously, fucking Avoid the Noid! One of my Uncles was raped by the Noid!)...

Let me explain...

I order my Pizza from Papa John's. Ever since I moved (wow, I always try to spell move, "movie" because I type the word "movie" far more than "move," but I've never tried to spell moved, "movied"... until now!) to my LA apartment, for 2 reasons. First, it is close. It is half a mile away, so a walk there and back is only one mile. Easy. Breezy. Beautiful. Cover Girl.

 

Because you're worth it!

Plus, I have this coupon.

Well, I HAD this coupon. Once. For a carryout special. $8.99 for a large, one topping pizza, as long as I pick it up.

I had this coupon once. But, whenever I order pizza (which is about 3 times a month for the past half a year), I always tell them I HAVE this coupon. And they know what coupon I am talking about. So, they give me the discount. I've never had to produce the coupon. Not once!

I think you see where this modern tragedy is going.

I know it's horrible. Like watching a box full of kittens slowly approach a whirring blade. Or, more realistically, watching a box of puppies approach a Puppy Heart Extracting Machine, or PHEMbot, at a Puppy Heard Plant, or PHP for you scientists out there.

 

I called Papa John's and ordered the usual. This guy was either new or retarded. He didn't ask me for my phone number first (non-mentally challenged Pizza phone operators always start with this industry trademark) and when I did give it to him, he repeated every fucking number I gave, as a question. It was like this (in semi-screenplay format)...

Nick

3-

Retard Pizza Man

3?

Nick 

Yes. 0-

Retard Pizza Man

0?

Nick

Yes! 3-

Retard Pizza Man

3? Again?

Nick

YES! Phone numbers sometimes repeat numbers! 8-

Anyway, you get the idea. He was retarded. So, I knew I had to be careful of that retard strength when picking up my pizza.

I gave him my phone number, which took 10 minutes, then I ordered. A large, one topping pizza (as the coupon once stated)...

Nick

...With Jalapenos.

Retard Pizza Man

Jalapeno peppers?

Nick

...? Am I being Punk'd? Won't

Ashton Kutcher just die already?

So, I ordered the pizza. And I told him about the coupon I "have." Usually, this is when they apply the coupon and tell me the new price. The $8.99 price.

The squeamish can stop reading now. I won't blame you. Just be glad this didn't happen to you!

He didn't apply the price. Because he was a new employee (or a retard), he didn't know what coupon I was talking about, or that he was SUPPOSED to take my word for it and apply the discount. Instead, he said I should just "bring the coupon in... or something."

Fuuuuuuuck. I looked for the coupon. In my apartment I looked. Online I looked. Nuthin'. I obviously haven't seen it in six months...

So, I went in. And tried to convince the woman to give me the coupon price without the coupon. But she didn't! She said I need to present the coupon to use it! Which is bullshit, because I always pick up the pizza from her, and she has NEVER, not once, asked to see the coupon!

This is BULLSHIT! Pay full price for pizza? Me?! I've never done that before! And it was far worse than I expected it would be! And far worse than I make it out to be here! I am lucky to be alive.

I hope she falls in the oven and dies (only not really... because that would ruin someone's pizza... and I would not wish that on ANYBODY!).

Anyway, sorry for internet yelling at you, but I am still so upset, hours later. I may never go back. It's nothing personal, but the risk of having to pay for full price pizza is far too great. The reason we learn history is to learn from our mistakes...

NEVER FORGET! I will never again pay for full price pizza.

P.S. there was a great picture of an eagle with a tear running down it's face... but it had the date 9/11/01, so I didn't want to post it... because today's date was 1/22/10.

Aw, what the hell. The Eagle Crying is too hilarious  an op to pass up.

Doc Ock was just misunderstood.

In honor of the death of Sam Raimi's Spider-Man franchise, tonight, I humbly submit to you, the blog reader, a blog relating to the second film in the late franchise, Spider-Man 2. You don't have to have seen Spider-Man 2 to enjoy this blog, dear reader, though there will be spoilers (all should actually be common sense to anyone who has seen any super hero movie, so I consider them barely spoilers).

Doc Ock was just misunderstood.

I mean, what mad scientist who accidentally melts giant robotic arms with their own evil artificial intelligence to his spine wouldn't be?  (Note: only Sam Raimi could make this plot seem totally logical.)

He really was the most misunderstood of all the Spider-Man villains. Norman Osbourne aka The Green Goblin was just an douche bag . A corporate douche bag. First off, he loved the smart kid (Peter Parker) more than his own son. Still, that love wasn't enough for him not  to kidnap Parker's crush, drop her off a bridge, and attack Parker's Aunt, while she was praying!!! While she was praying, I tell you! If attacking an old lady is not a sin (which I hope to God it's not... or I am going to Hell), then attacking her while she is praying certainly is. Though, he did allow her... nay... he insisted she finish the prayer (all you Spider-Man fan's know what I'm talking 'bout! If you don't you should be ashamed... and CLICK this tasty sausage... er... internet link). Oh... and he did kill the other board members after they stole his company from him... but that's just typical corporate America. So, maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all... But his costume alone says he is bad news... or the offspring of a Terminator raping a Keebler elf.

Sandman was a murderer before his freak science accident (and yet he was the only one who didn't deserve what he got. Because he was the only one wise enough not to be an ambitious scientist who took unnecessary risks). That fucker killed Uncle Ben! I mean, really killed Uncle Ben! Not just killed Uncle Ben for two movies, like that guy with the spikey blond hair in the first Spider-Man.

And Venom was half evil alien suit with no soul and no redeeming qualities and half Topher Grace from That 70s Show (so again, no redeeming qualities). Not misunderstood at all. Just half pure space-evil and half whiny bitch. 

But, Doc Ock, now there was a misunderstood fella.

Doc Ock didn't want to make a shit ton of cash off weapons, or rob a bank to pay for his dying daughter's medication, or kill the emo dancer who took his job, smashed his camera, and stole his not-really-a-girlfriend girlfriend. Doc Ock wanted to better mankind. Doc Ock wanted to build a fusion reactor that would provide all the energy man would need coming into the 21st century. A device that would eliminate the need for fossil fuels, meaning the end of global warming. Doc Ock could have been a hero if it weren't for that always meddling Spider-Man!

 

 

 Look at the evidence. 

First, Doc Ock was Alfred Molina. That's right. THE Alfred Molina. Sure, Alfred tried to steal the idol from Indiana Jones the first time he was allowed on screen. And, granted, he was also a corrupt priest who tried to stop Tom Hanks from  discovering the shocking truth about Jesus (shocking truth - he wasn't white!) and who had sex with an Albino who whipped himself (I assume those two were bangin'.). But he was Alfred Molina. THE Alfred Molina! Alfred Molina wouldn't hurt a fly (ironic that a guy with 8 appendages [9, actually, I suppose] wouldn't be interested in hurting flies. They should have called HIM Spider-Man [that startling revelation just blew my fucking mind as I wrote it]). Unlike William Dafoe, Thomas Haden Church and Topher Grace  (I hear all 3 may or may not feed solely on puppy hearts. And  I live in Hollywood, so you know I'm correct! [Plus, I only write truths here! No lies or exaggerations! Not on MY blog!]).

Second, the Fusion reactor wasn't SUPPOSED to go haywire and threaten to destory the city of New York... twice. Haven't you ever heard, Spider-Man, that the third time's the charm? I think it is safe to assume you have not.

Sure, if you had not intervened, Doc Ock would have killed everyone in New York with his mad scientist ways. But, what if he had survived the second failed experiment? What if he got his hands on more "precious tritium" and built himself another fusion reactor? What if this one hadn't gone haywire, sucking all the metal into it, getting bigger and bigger until it consumed all? I'll tell you what, our energy woes would have been solved! So, thanks Spider-Man. Thank you for ruining a good thing. If you hadn't intervened I could be writing this blog on fusion power (though, not likely because Doc Ock is just as fictional as you are, Spider-Man [but Alfred Molina was not, and he could have saved us all if you had not put your nose in his business, Tobey Maguire!]).

After all, don't the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few (unless I am the few)? I hate to bring Star Trek into this (Who am I kidding? No I don't. Quite the opposite.) but that is a theme that has been touched on many times in the Trek universe. Spock said it himself and Spock is Vulcan. And as you know, Vulcans are incapable of telling lies (little know fact, George Washington... totally Vulcan). 

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... Tobey Maguire should have watched Star Trek. That's why your ass got replaced by whoever (Joseph Gordon Levitt would be a decent choice...).


The Power of the Sun... in the palm of my hand.

The Politician's Guide For Appearing On A News Program

I love politicians. I love them with a vengeance. If you know me, then you know that fact.

After all, one of my favorite It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia quotes is Mac's response when asked why he doesn't vote; "And what? Vote for the democrat who's going to blast me in the ass? Or the republican who's going to blast my ass? Either way, politics is all one big ass blasting."
Because I love politicians so much, I am writing this handy dandy guide for you, the politician, and you, the politician in training (if you ever become a senator or whatnot, Andrew, please do refer back to this blog. It might save your ass, not that your ass necessarily needs saving.). It includes a list of guidelines to follow whenever you are asked to appear on a News Program.

Because, eventually it happens to all of us. We're just minding our own business, trying to "make this country a better place" (by which I actually mean we are trying to undermine the other political party to which we do not belong, no matter what the cost [duh!]). When, suddenly, we get asked onto a news program on CNN or FOX News, to provide insight on what the President is going to do next. Because, everyone knows that a 24 hours news network's main responsibility it not reporting the news, it's speculating on the future.

So, without further ado, these are the guidelines that will save your ass when you are a politician asked onto a news program (and I assure you, YOU will be, I don't care who you are or what your career path is).

1. Always refer back to the most recent news story that qualifies as a "tragedy." Try to keep this as politics free as possible so that people understand you are a human being just like them (even though you aren't. You're a cold, soulless, beast with lifeless eyes like those blue freaks from Avatar [Drop it? You drop it!]). If you're a Republican, try to refrain from calling the new Dem's plan for Health Care a tragedy. If your a Democrat, don't refer to the economic situation the Republicans got us into as a tragedy. This is not the time to be political (the other 99% of your appearance is for that). Pick something reported on within the hour like a death in Iraq or an bus accident involving special needs children.

Simply state, "First of all (NEWS ANCHOR NAME GOES HERE), I just want to say what a terrible tragedy this accident (<-- NAME TRAGEDY HERE) was. My heart goes out to all those affected by this horrible tragedy (don't forget to say tragedy twice!)." There, now you're golden. No matter what you say later, no one can claim you don't care about those special needs kids who died (or what have you). No mater what monstrous comments you make, you're not a monster (or so the people think). You've tricked the people into thinking you care for the unfortunate, just like them.

2. Always disagree with the experts brought in from the opposing party. This should be a no brainer. It is your job, as a politician, to blindly believe what your part believes and automatically attack the opposite party's viewpoints. Make sure to disregard any individual thought that somehow remains after college.

Individual thought loses elections. Lost elections lose the country to the opposing party. The opposing party kills America. Never forget it! Because they don't want what you and I want! They don't want Americans to be secure, happy, and provided for. They want Americans to be dead by terrorist attack, sad because they are dead by terrorist attacks, and poor because they are dead by terrorist attack. And they consider puppy hearts a delicacy. Puppy hearts!

So, I know you already know this, but for God's sake (for Science's sake, if you are a Democrat) never agree with the opposing party. You were elected to undermine them!

Of course, if they just referenced what a tragedy that special needs kids bus accident was, for Science's sake (God's sake) don't disagree with them! This is the only exception to the rule.

3. If you are a Democrat on FOX News or if you are a Republican on CNN, always disagree with the news anchor! Though they are not technically in politics, they enjoy the flavor of puppy hearts no less than your political opponents.

4. Find something to blame on the other party's most recent president. If you are not the party currently controlling the presidency, ALWAYS attack the current President. If you are the party holding the presidency, attack the most recent president of the opposite party.

For example, today a Republican would attack a decision made by Obama. It is now the Democrat's duty to tie this failure back to a George W. Bush failure. Simple shit.

5. A lie is only a lie if your party doesn't believe it. Likewise, something is only true if your party acknowledges that truth. If your party decides tomorrow that gravity is a lie, it is. Don't question it (because if you do, you might as well feed on the organs of puppies... and infants... and infant puppies!)! Just because fact doesn't support your truth, doesn't mean it isn't true. If about half the people in the nation believe it, how can half the country be wrong (except for the half the country that is wrong!)? So always stick to your guns and don't let silly things like facts get in the way.

BONUS. See if you can find a way to blame the opening tragedy on the other party. If you are a Democrat and the tragedy involved troops dying in Iraq, this is a no brainer. Just blame your opponent for starting a pointless war. If you are a republican, your best bet is blaming Obama's economic stimulus plan or the impending health care reform. Because, everyone knows the very thought of health care reform has caused more heart attacks than it could ever treat.

Just follow these 5 guidelines and you'll look like a pro. Sure, you'll never convince the enemy, but you can be rest assured your people are behind you and that is all that matters anyway. As long as you don't agree with your opponent or disagree that the bus accident that killed special needs children was was a tragedy, you'll be fine!

Happy destroying the planet, politician!