How Did Man Ignore Other Man Before Cell Phones?

The Cell Phone really is one of the greatest inventions in the history of mankind.

 

Even smaller, able to contact with even more people, and with even less dead zones than predicted by Star Trek in the 1960s (seriously every landing party seems lose contact with the Enterprise. If the thing didn't lose a signal on every planet the lives of sooo many Redshirts* could have been spared.), the cell phone allows us to never escape contact from our parents, disrupt movies, text while driving at high speeds, and never find a moment of piece and quiet. It's more of a game changer than Avatard could ever hope to be.  

  

*I think this pic adequately defines the term "Redshirt."

Its' really crazy what a cell phone can do. At Barnes and Noble, customers pull up their coupons on their "smart" phones. You can even scan a coupon's bar code right off the screen! Gadzooks! 

Really, though, I believe the Cell Phone's greatest application is it's extreme handiness in evading interaction with my fellow man. 

You heard me... er... read me... er... read what I wrote right. I did indeed say "evade interaction," as opposed to it's more obvious utilization in making communication easier. 

Allow me to explain. 

Last night I finally saw the film Wall Street. Like many franchises before it (Die Hard, Kevin Smith movies, Star Trek) it took the impending release of a sequel to attract me to the original (I just saw the trailer for Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps this weekend). Say what you will about reboots and delayed sequels, but they certainly increase interest in the original film.

In Wall Street, during the opening credits, Charlie Sheen gets into a packed elevator with a bunch of other New York schmoes. Everyone in the elevator spends the ride to their floor ignoring one another by simply staring at the floor counter. I was like, "Awkward....."

I much prefer my way. 

Get caught in an elevator with another person from your building? Easy. Whip out your... let me finish... cell phone (You thought I was going to say Penis! [My words may have said call phone, but my eyes did indeed say Penis.]) and pretend to engage yourself by checking an imaginary text message (If you jumped the gun and accidentally did whip out your penis, there are still ways to pretend to engage yourself, don't you worry.).

Or, if you're no good at pretending because your parents didn't let you watch Barney as a child, then go ahead and send a text message. See how your bro is doing, ask how many beers deep your buddy who's still in college is, or say hi to your mother (She'd love to hear from you, trust me.). Or, even better, go ahead and read this blog in the elevator. Cell phones are capable of many wondrous feats like that.

(The main reason I have the creative smarts and aspirations to work in a creative field while you're studying something boring and fact based? I watched more Barney as a child. So I have an imagination. Remember... "Barney was a dinosaur from our imag-i-na-tion!").

Cell phones have gotten me out of many tight jams (aka human interactions) in my years as an anti-social serial killer.  In college, rarely a day went by when I didn't whip out my... cell phone... to avoid contact with another individual. Walking across campus and see that kid I always hate talking to? Ah, shit. Just got a text message, so I'll be looking at my screen and not even see him. Oops. 

On very rare occasions, I'd put the phone to my ear, even though there was no one on the other end, just so I could avoid the painful human interaction that burns my sensitive alien parts. But how did man ever survive the ride in an elevator or trek across a college campus before there was something as distracting as a cell phone?

Maybe man did whip out his penis more regularly? Or, maybe he just had to grin and bear it, having polite conversations with complete strangers and acquaintances he'd rather not have. Either way, the world must have been a terrifying place.

So, next time a someone whips out his...cell phone... ruining the movie you just paid $13 to see, don't immediately jump out of your seat and force feed him popcorn until his stomach explodes and he dies from internal bleeding. First, consider how much better life is now that you have a cellphone to keep you from interacting with your peers... then force feed that fucker popcorn until his stomach explodes and he dies from internal bleeding. Or beat him to death with his own cell phone. Whichever you prefer (the second option IS more poetic.).

And don't forget to be generous with your old cell phone. If you donate your cell phone to a homeless person, it will not only serve to make them appear less crazy, they can also use it to ignore their peers. 

Their filthy, sub-human, homeless peers.

Cheers.

The Oscar Noms or Avatard Will Be The Death Of Me

The Academy Awards. The most prestigious award ceremony on the face of the planet. Which is pretty sad, considering they have always been political and have are now nothing  more than a ratings grab (which is also political).

I used to love the Oscars. When I was little, I believe I was in 6th grade, I watched the Academy Awards for the first time at my grandma's house. After watching it, I wanted nothing more to be in that room with those people. I had no aspirations to win one (I still don't want one. They're a money and career maker sure, but to me it's valueless because of the politics), I just wanted to sit in the same room as these great people who make movies.

It was really the first time I seriously considered filmmaking as a career. Though I officially wouldn't decide on it until High School. Though, even now I'm not sure...

But, working in Hollywood (as an intern, to be fair) has taught be how valueless the award really is. The "members of the academy" who vote for the Oscars, are your run-of-the-mill filmmakers. Writers, directors, actors, producers, editors, they all vote. And they all vote for who they are going to work with next or who they are buddies with. Not for who they think is the most deserving for their script, performance, or movie. Because, who doesn't want to work with an Academy Award winner? It means one thing: money.

I wanted to be in the same room as the people? What the fuck was wrong with me?

Like I said, it's all a sham. The most prestigious of all these sham awards, but a sham just the same.

I didn't watch the Academy Awards last year. And I'm not planning on it this year. Because, I have better stuff to do (like watch an actual movie, not an award show with clips from movies).

Still, just because I think the Oscars are valueless, doesn't mean I don't have an opinion. As always, I have a very strong opinion. And, as always, I feel compelled to force it upon you. Feel free to disagree or discuss it with me as comments on this blog or on my Fbook posting of this blog. I get off on those kind of discussions.

BEST PICTURE
AVATARD
THE HURT LOCKER
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
PRECIOUS
UP IN THE AIR
UP
AN EDUCATION
A SERIOUS MAN
DISTRICT 9
THE BLIND SIDE

THOUGHTS AND WINNER: The Hurt Locker should win. Avatard is the only likely upset. This whole 10 movies instead of five dealy really is a mixed bag. Obviously a move to grab more viewers, as big grossing hits like Blind Side, Up, and Avatar may not have made it otherwise. This change comes after the Dark Knight was left out, a film many though deserved a nomination and would have made for greater ratings. There just wasn't room for the Dark Knight with 5 nominees, so the category was expanded so it would never get snubbed again (oops, too late! But better late than never I guess...)!

It's awesome that Up got a nom! Usually Animated films get shafted. Which is a shame, because Pixar movies are every bit as good as non-animated films. Out of 10 films, Up is certainly one of the years best. I obviously also totally agree with Inglourious Basterds and A Serious Man. I respect Up In The Air and District 9, but both are overrated. I understand why Precious was nominated, even if I wasn't a fan.

With all my love for Inglourious Basterds, making it my #1 movies of 09 and all, I actually would rather see The Hurt Locker win best picture. Because it really is the highest quality movie of the year. That shit is the perfect flick!

WTF! NOT DESERVING: Avatard? For me, the best way to judge the quality of the movie is 40% script (I am a screenwriter after all, so script is very important), 30% acting/directing, and 20% everything else. Avatard seems to have earned an Oscar nom based on that 20% everything else alone. In this case, special effects.

I would call Avatard the least deserving Best Picture Nom ever, but the Blind Side was also nominated this year. Now, I haven't seen the Blind Side, but it looked like trash. Pure, unadulterated trash. Avatar and The Blind Side were obviously the two "ratings grab" pics of the bunch, because popular movies make for better ratings. And neither deserve to be anywhere near the Best Picture category, even if there were 20 nominees!

I got into an argument with a girl today at work about Avatard. She said she couldn't talk with someone who didn't like Avatard. It's not like I'd have stimulating conversation with someone stupid enough to think Avatard is the best picture of the year anyway...

SNUBBED: Star Trek! If your looking for a popular film that has great special effects AND a good script, why not go with Star Trek? It's characters were more three dimensional than Avatard's (even without the 3-D glasses) and old Star Trek, it was much better paced (hard to get bored in a 2 hour movie), its message didn't bash you over the head, it was exciting, it was emotional (don't tell me your eyes didn't tear up in the opening scene [which was a masterpiece of a scene by the way!] and your heart didn't soar at the end when The Enterprise came screaming out of warp just in time to save Spock, our crew functioning as a perfect unit... sigh... so dreamy...), it was expertly acted, and the dialog was incredibly strong. Fuck, I could watch it right now. Star Trek was not simply the best written and executed blockbuster of the year, it is one of the best of the decade, rivaling other greats like The Dark Knight, Minority Report, and Casino Royale.

This may be coming from a Trekkie, but remember, I was NOT a Trekkie until I saw this year's Star Trek. In fact, being a Star Wars fan, I was strongly anti-Trek. Its converting power alone speaks highly of it's quality.

Moon was also snubbed. In any other year (any year without Star Trek [I do mean this year's movie, not any Trek movie]) Moon would have easily been the best Sci Fi film of the year. Moon feels like a classic 70s Sci Fi flick, yet it's brand new. Expertly written, acted, and directed (by a first timer), Moon truly deserved a best picture nomination.

I know this is all opinion, but I really feel Moon and Star Trek were among the years 10 best made films. Observe and Report was my second favorite film of '09, but you don't see me championing that film for a best picture nom! Nor am I saying that Sherlock Holmes (which I loved, loved, loved) deserves a best picture nom. I feel that I understand the difference between a film I personally enjoy and a film that is just fucking great, and Moon and Star Trek are both.

Also, The Road probably could have used a Nom over a lot of those choices. It was better than Up In The Air, Precious, District 9, and Avatard (haven't seen Blind Side or An Education [wow. I've seen all but 2 this year. Out of 10!].), but I'm not going to get nit picky. Moon and Star Trek are more deserving anyway.

And, by the way, I am now watching (listening) to Star Trek as I write this. 1080p HD picture is wasted as I write this blog. Because I love you.

BEST ACTOR
Jeff Bridges - CRAZY HEART
George Clooney - UP IN THE AIR
Colin Firth - A SINGLE MAN
Morgan Freeman - INVICTUS
Jeremy Renner - THE HURT LOCKER

THOUGHTS: To be honest, I've only seen 2 of these performances. George Clooney was okay, not really anything impressive about his role in Up In The Air. Seen it before, George. Ever hear of Michael Clayton? Pretty similar character, much better acted.

Renner, though, I love Renner (a character in the script I am writing now is named Renner. The most bad-ass character). He is incredibly bad-ass in The Hurt Locker (see? Bad-ass). I'm not sure it was the best performance of the year, but it was pretty awesome and he's the only one on the list I can think to root for. Jeff Bridges is awesome normally, but Crazy Heart looks lame, so I gotta go Renner (though, like I said, I have not seen Crazy Heart, A Single Man, or Invictus). Bridges totally should have gotten an Oscar for his Iron Man role, though! Awesome baddie.

Snubs: Sam Rockwell. He's really the best lead performance I can think of this year. I don't want to spoil the plot to Moon, so I won't say why he rocked so hard, I'll just say he did rock... hard. He is the fucking man. The best man, this year. And he got snubbed.

Also, Michael Stuhlbarg rocked A Serious Man oh, so hard. He is more than deserving. But, in a category with only five noms, it is not surprising he was left out. The Academy prides themselves on snubbing comedic preformances (even one as serious as Mr. Stuhlbarg's). 

Other than that, it would have been cool to see Chris Pine as Kirk get a nom or Brad Pitt from Basterds (though Pitt's part would most likely fit better under supporting, even though he was the poster and trailer), but neither were especially deserving. It's just more my personal preference. I mean, you gotta give Pine some props for owning the role of Captain Kirk without doing a Shatner impression. Also, Mark Ruffalo is a lot of fun in Brothers Bloom and Viggo worked really fucking hard on The Road, but I'm no surprised neither got nominated.  

Oh, and Robert Downey Jr. was pretty great as Mr. Holmes. But, the world kinda has it right. It was must more a Golden Globe worthy performance than an Oscar performance. But a nom would have been a start in making up for his being robbed by Heath Ledger last year (was that last year?). Heath only won cause he's dead (Sorry to say it, but it's true. That's politics, bitch). His performance rocked, no doubt about it, but Downey Jr. as an Irish actor playing an African American was unbelievable.

I guess I would have liked to see Christoph Waltz get the lead nom, but it's fair enough that he got best supporting. He did have the most screen time of any dude in Basterds, and he was easily the best actor in any category this year, but it makes sense that his role only counts as supporting.

BEST ACTRESS
Meryl Streep - JULIE & JULIA
Carey Mulligan - AN EDUCATION
Gabourey Sidibe - PRECIOUS
Sandra Bullock - THE BLIND SIDE
Helen Mirren - THE LAST STATION

THOUGHTS: I really don't have much to say about actresses, because I must be sexist. Or gay. Because I really don't pay much attention to female roles. I will say though, that if Meryl Streep got nominated for anything, she probably deserves to win it (even though I haven't seen Julie & Julia).  Because she is the greatest actress of all time. Just amazing. The Precious girl was really awesome too, so her winning wouldn't be a bad thing.

WTF! UNDESERVING: Okay, like I said, I haven't seen The Blind Side. But, having seen Sandra Bullock in many other films (Speed being one of them) it's hard to believe she is talented enough to be nominated for anything. The trailer for Blind Side confirms this. Throwing on a bad accent is not acting. Ratings grab!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Christoph Waltz - INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
Woody Harrelson - THE MESSENGER
Christopher Plummer - THE LAST STATION
Stanley Tucci - THE LOVELY BONES
Matt Damon - INVICTUS

WINNER & THOUGHTS: It doesn't even matter who else was nominated, Christoph Waltz had the greatest performance of the year. Of the decade even.  His is right up there with Javier Bardem in No Country For Old Men.

SNUBBED: I'm not even going to take the time to think about it. Because Christoph owns it. If he doesn't win, it will be the biggest upset of the year (meaning it will be what I am most upset about. Even more upset than if Avatard wins in every cat. The man is that deserving!).

Fine, I'll do one. But it's totally personal. Karl Urban was an incredible Dr. Bones McCoy. Both because he was most like the original character and he was playing my favorite character. But, still, he was no Deforest Kelly. That man is one of the greats.

Fine, I'll do two... and three. But they're also personal. I thought Jude Law and Mark Strong both rocked Sherlock Holmes pretty hard. But neither are really Oscar quality. Just personal preference.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Vera Farmiga - UP IN THE AIR
Anna Kendrick -  UP IN THE AIR
Mo'nique - PRECIOUS
Penelope Cruz - NINE
Maggie Gyllenhaal - CRAZY HEART

THOUGHTS: Don't have a whole lot, cause of the whole sexist and homosexual thing.  Vera Farmiga and Anna Kendrick were both great in Up In The Air though. Far better than Mr. Clooney.

BEST ANIMATED FILM
UP
CORALINE
THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG
THE SECRET OF KELLS
THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX

THOUGHTS: Up! Up got nominated for both Best Picture and Best Animated Film! Fantastic (not Mr. Fox)! Awesome! I loved Up! Totally deserves it. It would be nice to share the love, though. If Up were to win Best Picture, Coraline should get Best Animated, cause that movie rocked too. As far as Animation goes, it was even better than Up, but like I said, animation is only part of it. Up had a far better script, so it will win the category. Which is just, because it will not win best picture.

I was not a big fan of Fantastic Mr. Fox. The animation was lazy, the script was 'meh,' just not that good. There aren't any more deserving animated films, so I'm not complaining (unless it wins). I'm just thankful Monsters Vs. Aliens was not nominated. Even though Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, Stephen Colbert, and Will Arnett were all in that movie, it sucked balls. Big, sweaty balls.

BEST DIRECTOR
Kathryn Bigelow - THE HURT LOCKER
 James Cameron - AVATAR
Quentin Tarantino - INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
Jason Reitman - UP IN THE AIR
Lee Daniels - PRECIOUS

THOUGHTS: Give it to Kathryn Bigelow! See, I'm not sexist! But, seriously, she deserves it. Her film was the best. Interesting factoid, I heard on NPR that she is actually James Cameron's ex-wife. As is tradition, I did no fact checking, but if that's true, that's crazy! I hope to God she wins, just so she can shove it in that prick of an ex-husband's face (Cameron really is an arrogant prick. Who calls their own movie a game changer? Asshole.)!

Tarantino and Reitman are also deserving. Up In The Air is Reitman's worst movie in my opinion, but he is a fantastic director. And Basterds really is Taratino's masterpiece, so I can't argue with that nom. Taratino may be arrogant, but at least he's less arrogant than Cameron.

SNUBBED: J.J. Aaaaaabrams (Leeeeroy Jeeeeenkins!!!!)!!!! The man is a master of the motion picture (not so much the TV show [LOST sucks!]). Mission Impossible III and Star Trek are both amazing films. Both saved a doomed franchise. He is a fantastic director and deserves the directing nomination even more than Star Trek deserves the Best Picture nom.

The Coen Bros! They need to get nominated every year. Because they are two of the best directors at work today. Their skills are far superior to Tarantino's, Cameron's, Reitman's, Peter Jackson's or basically anyone but Stephen Spielberg. They rock. And A Serious Man rocks. The biggest mystery of the year may be why the weren't nominated.

WTF! UNDESERVING: James Cameron. Maybe he was great once (I still respectfully disagree), but Avatard was not deserving! The man's far past his prime. Don't really need to get into too much of an Avatard rant... again...

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Nick Hornby - AN EDUCATION
Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell - DISTRICT 9
Jesse Armstrong and Armando Iannucci - IN THE LOOP
Geoffrey Fletcher - PRECIOUS
Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner - UP IN THE AIR

THOUGHTS: I've only seen three, District 9, Precious, and Up In The Air, and none of the scripts were really deserving of an Academy Award. But, all are decent, so it's not an outrage if any wins. I will say, Up In The Air is my first pick of the five, and District 9 is my second fav. There just weren't any great adaptations this year. All the best shit was original. Up In The Air will most likely win.

SNUBBED: Sherlock Holmes? Not really, cause it isn't Oscar quality. But, personally, I like it as far as adapted scripts go in '09. Does Trek count as Adapted? Probably, not, but if so, it's a better script than District 9.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Quentin Tarantino - INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
Mark Boal - THE HURT LOCKER
Pete Docter and Bob Peterson - UP
Oren Moverman and Alessandro Camon - THE MESSENGER
Joel and Ethan Coen - A SERIOUS MAN

THOUGHTS: Didn't see The Messenger, but the other four are all GREAT choices! Quite possibly the best pool of choices ever. Basterds has some pretty fantastic dialog, The Hurt Locker is shockingly real and insightful, A Serious Man is hilarious and quirky in that Coen way, and Up might be the best written animated film of all time. What a great pool! I really don't know who I want to win!

SNUBBED: Hmmmm, like I said, those noms are pretty great. Because I didn't see The Messenger, my own personal list would switch it out for Star Trek. Cause that really was a solid script.

THANK GOD: Avatard wasn't nominated! If it had been, the Oscars would have suddenly no longer been the most presitigious sham. Because you'd be hard pressed to find even an Avatard fan who truly thinks the script is any good. Of course, it is such an unoriginal piece of shit, that if it had been nominated, it would had to have been under Best Adapted Screenplay.  Because it was an adaptation of Fern Gully.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
AVATAR
FANTASTIC MR. FOX
THE HURT LOCKER
SHERLOCK HOLMES
UP

THOUGHTS: Sherlock Holmes and Up both have fantastic scores. I own them both, and listen to both frequently. Up will most likely win, because it's great, but I'd rather see Sherlock Holmes win. Any other year (using this phrase because of Trek again), It'd be my favorite score. I don't remember the score to Fox or The Hurt Locker, but they must have both been pretty good. I don't doubt that. I'm gonna look into it.

WTF. UNDESERVING: Avatard again. Not just because I hate this movie, the score is truly undeserving. I like the composer, James Horner. But this score sounds like any other of his scores. It's just like his score for The Mask of Zorro. So, like the script, there is nothing original about this Best Original Score Nom.

SNUBBED: Okay, Trek may have not actually be snubbed. It may have been disqualified because even though it is only used sparingly, the Star Trek theme is not original. Though, really, the composer only used it once. His main theme for the movie was entirely original. I have a good ear for scores, and this one was robbed. It's the best of the year, no question. I was actually listening to it before I turned on the Trek Bluray.

Interesting factoid (that needs no double checking because I am a nerd and I actually know it), the same composer did Up and Star Trek (he also did the great score for Mission Impossible III). He had a hell of a year!

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
AVATAR
DISTRICT 9
STAR TREK

THOUGHTS: All are deserving. Even Avatard. In fact, if Avatard doesn't win, it will have been robbed. That sounds weird coming from me, right? But it's true, Avatard has the year's best special effects. Any other year (that phrase again, with Trek, only backwards!), Trek would have deserved it. Because Star Trek has amazing special effects. Puts all other space epics to shame, even Star Wars (effects wise!).  District 9 was good for it's budget, but it gots nothing on Star Trek. And Star Trek gots nothing on Avatard.

Well, that's all folks. A huuuuuuge blog with all my Oscar thoughts. Took me forever to write... entire length of Star Trek and then some....

I really don't know enough nor care enough about the other categories. I will say, I want Holmes and Trek to win where they can in those techincal categories, to make up for a lack of other nominations.

I love you.

Babies...? So begins the Epidemic of Stupidity. So ends humanity.

First, watch the trailer for the most insulting movie of all time...

Behold... the trailer... for BABIES!

I don't even know where to start with this one. I am just so infuriated right now...

The Barnes and Noble were I work shares a building with The Landmark movie theater. It really is a gnarly (yes, gnarly) theater. Assigned, super comfy seats, a great selection of indie and main stream fair (it's where I saw Sherlock Holmes all 3 times). The third floor, where DVD/Bluray Land is geographically situated, happens to be right across the hall from part of The Landmark. Only glass windows and doors separate where I work from a wall of HD Televisions playing a constant loop of movie trailers.

This is where I first learned of BABIES (and Sex and the City 2 [yes, there is already a Sex and the City 2]).

I couldn't believe this trailer when I first saw it. Granted, I couldn't hear it. Because glass separates me from the HD Screens, I can only see the trailers, whilst listening to one of four CDs of Music Barnes and Noble plays, which I can only assume are designed to get the customer to buy a book rather than staying to read it, as staying to read it would mean listening to the music Barnes and Noble chooses to play.

There must be more to this trailer than picture alone conveys, I thought. Having just actually watched the trailer, with sound, I can safely affirm that my greatest fears have been realized.

People are stupid.

My suspicions were first aroused (tee-he-he) when Avatard became the highest grossing movie of all time (without adjusting for inflation, mind you). I can understand how such a film could make over $200 million, as equally shitty films like Transformers pull off the feat quite often, I thought. But, I could not rectify how a film as brainless as Avatar could make an excess of $600 million worldwide. It is not uncommon for stupid blockbusters to rake in the dough in one record setting weekend and then see the large drop of around 60% of the audience in the weeks that followed. But it is uncommon for these shitty, shitty, substance-less movies to keep an audience for as long as Avatard has. 

So, that was simply the first sign that something was wrong. That people, worldwide, had finally reached a new level of stupidity. I was like the scientist in every disaster movie imaginable (who also shared a brain and dialog with the scientists of Avatard). I brought the warning of impending doom, saw this disaster coming, and even though it was too late to prevent, we could have started evacuating some people. But no one listened. And now it is too late to save anyone.

BABIES is the affirmation that my theory was, indeed, correct. There is an epidemic of stupidity sweeping the nation.
 
I get it, babies are cute. And adorable. And the things they do can be even more cuter and even more adorabler than they are. I even admit that watching the trailer for BABIES was not an altogether horrible way to spend two minutes. But you have to be a fucking moron to spend two hours watching BABIES. At the cost of $11. A fucking moron.

Maybe I am jumping the gun, just a bit. After all, BABIES isn't a hit, yet (trust me, it will be). But, really, it is just insulting to me that this movie exists at all.

BABIES is the equivalent of reality television (reality TV being the lowest form of TV in existence currently). No, I'm not saying documentaries are the equivalent of reality television. I am saying BABIES is the equivalent of reality television.

BABIES is effectively cashing in on the cuteness of babies. It's taking advantage of babies! Babies! The director is a monster of a prick. A brilliant monster of a prick, but a monster of a prick all the same.

Cashing in on babies is nothing new. But at least Hollywood had the dignity to make the babies talk and fight crime using CGI in the past (after all, who can forget Baby Geniuses? I will never forget. Can never forget.). But this monstrous prick has sunk to the new low of simply filming babies and selling that as a product.What a fucker.

It's going to start a new wave of cuter and adorabler documentaries. Coming soon to a theater near you...

PUPPIES

KITTENS

THE ELDERLY

(Okay, that last one is gross, not adorabler. But a spoof trailer showing the Elderly doing senile, baby type things would be hilarious. If I had more initiative I would make that spoof myself. Because it's a fantastic idea.)

Really, all I'm saying, is that if you see BABIES, you are an idiot. And you cannot be saved.

I may or may not silently judge you when you tell me you think Avatard is a good movie ("Hey, I'm smarter than this person!"), but I guarantee my opinion of you drops if you pay to see BABIES. And if you rent it, your intelligence level becomes suspect. My judgment pending what your thoughts on Avatard were...

Preview on Top of a Preview For a Preview

It really seems of late that this blog has simply become an outlet where I rage against stupid decisions. Like my past two blogs (that's right, I did... er... write two blogs in the past two days. I just didn't post them on FBook because they weren't particularly good... I'm not saying that this one is... I just... I dunno... I'm posting a link on FBook, alright?! Jerk.) about the uncontrollable outrage I felt after Avatar won (bought?) the Golden Globe for Best Picture and the silliness of having all the characters on the Book of Eli posters where sunglasses. But I am okay with that, as there are plenty of stupid decisions to rage against.

Today I watched the Trailer for The A-Team. HERE. Pretty badass, right? I know I get sand in my vagina sometimes over these over the top action-thrill rides (I still don't know why the fuck John McClane surfed on a jet), but I'm totally on board with The A-Team. It just looks like a lot of fun.

You got Liam Neeson, the ultimate badass, being an ultimate badass by kicking ass and taking names... while chomping on a massive cigar. You got Bradley Cooper, who is pretty fly, kicking ass and stripping of his shirt (you know, so that the movie has a chance of hitting all four quadrants). You got Sharlto Copley, who is really the only thing I remember about District 9. And you got some dude impersonating Mr. T. Mix up that concoction (I totally tried to spell it concocktion) with some over the top special effects and you got yourself a movie (my biggest fear is that it comes from 20th Century Fox, who hasn't made a good movie in years.)!

So, I am stoked on The A-Team. I'm not complaining about that. Though I am a wee bit concerned it will overshadow The Losers, which is basically the same movie, without the name recognition. The Losers is a script I read about a dozen different drafts of when I worked at Weed Road. I won't say much about it as not to get my pants sued off (though that could get pretty sexy pretty fast).

Basically, The Losers are a military group that is framed for a debacle (what a fun word) and presumed dead by the US Military. In order to get their lives back they have to kill the man who set them up (who is a deliciously written villain that Jason Bateman almost played... I was so sad when he wasn't cast... it's perfectly written for him... or Jeremy Piven....). It's really a lot like A-Team. And Weed Road cast a lot of would-be stars before they were big, like the guy who played the Comedian in Watchman and the chick from Star Trek and Avatar. But the script was pretty good. So, hopefully there is room for both to succeed this summer in Hollywood.

Anyway, I'm not upset about the existence of The A-Team or The Losers. Both should make for a solid 2010 action slate.

I am upset with the lack of respect I am treated with when viewing movie trailers online.

It really has gone too far.

Whenever you view a trailer on joblo.com (my preferred site for movie news because sites like aintitcool.com don't report all the news and the site design looks sloppy) you have to watch a 30-second commercial first. Yes, you have to watch an advertisement so that you can watch an advertisement.

Gay.

And not in the cool way, like William Dafoe in Boondock Saints (Jesus, I accidentally typed Boondick Saints the first time... WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!?). I mean in the totally faggit way, like one who rides a motorcycle.

Fags...

But, I am used to this travesty of having to watch an advertisement to watch an advertisement (a real travesty, not like what's going on in Haiti). What happened today was totally.... so much more tragic.

On this new site, where I watched The A-Team Trailer, I was in the middle of enjoying a shirtless Bradley Cooper (if you can't beat them [and you can't cause it's a hate crime], join them...) when a second trailer started, simultaneously. And not in a different window. In the very same Window, slightly overlapping my A-Team Trailer. The audio was going and everything.

Why (no), why the fuck (that's better), would someone watching The A-Team trailer be interested in watching the trailer for Legion AT THE EXACT SAME TIME?!? (Sorry I internet shouted there, but it could not be helped). It makes no fucking sense! To quote Christian Bale, "That's fucking dis-tract-ing!"

I know Dennis Quaid is a brilliant actor, unmatched by all his peers, but if I'm at your website for The A-Team trailer, I probably want to watch the A-Team trailer. I can't imagine the number of people visiting your site who want to watch The A-Team trailer with the added audio from the Legion trailer are very high (though anyone who does want to watch this is probably very high).

 Plus, to add insult to injury, the trailer I had to watch with my A-Team trailer was the trailer for Legion! I can't think of a movie trailer out now that looks like a bigger pile of poop. A movie where angel's wield machine guns and old ladies crawl along the ceilings?  The executives who okay'ed that script were surely fired before filming was complete. I mean, Dennis Quaid can't save everything...

This does also bring me to one last point...

Has anyone else noticed how there are now previews for previews?

Like, Entertainment Tonight has a commercial with brief clips from a trailer and says "Tune in this Friday for premiere of the Avatard trailer..."

That just seems plain wrong. What is this world of ours coming to? If Avatard's success is not a sign of the impending Apocalypse, than this surely is...

 Maybe Angel's wielding machine guns are not so far fetched... Save us Dennis Quaid!