Gotta Keep Chasin' That Rainbow

I have lots to talk about today. Lots of opinions to express. So, fasten your seat-belts kids. You don't want to get thrown through the windshield of the boring mobile. Cause if you do, I'll leave your mangled corpse on the road. Won't even scrape your brains off the street. Don't say I didn't warn you...

 

(Don't know why Safety is misspelled here.)

RAINBOWS

Apparently you don't see Rainbows often in LA. I pointed one out at work several weeks ago, and everyone just about flipped their lids. I wish someone actually had flipped their lid, as then I would know what it meant.

I come from Colorado. Which apparently is the land of Rainbows compared to LA. Which is odd, because there are far more queens in LA. And I don't mean the Helen Mirren type of Queen. I mean homosexuals. (Queen isn't a derogatory term, is it? I wasn't meaning to be homophobic. I love my gay brothers [But not in a gay way. {Not that there's anything wrong with that.}).

I pointed out that Rainbow several weeks ago. I was like "Hey look. A Rainbow." I wasn't like "What the fuck! It's a mother fucking rainbow! Everyone look! Quick! It's a goddamn Rainbow! I can't believe this! Ahhhhh!" Because I'm from Colorado, not LA. But everyone else acted like they had never seen a Rainbow before. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. It was crazy!

Today I saw another Rainbow. A double Rainbow. As is often the case with double Rainbows (See. Colorado=Rainbow Expert) one was much weaker than the other. But the other was fucking strong as shit. The clearest rainbow I had ever seen. And it was strongest at the base of the Rainbow shaft. By the ground.

For the first time since I was a wee lad, I really wanted to drive to the base of the Rainbow. Because it was so strong at the base of that shaft (I make Rainbows much gayer) it actually looked like it was shooting out of the ground. Like a laser or something. Like that sun laser in Die Another Day. I believe the satelitte was called Icarus, because the writer was trying be to be clever with the whole "flying to close to the sun thing" and by referencing Greek mythology. Only this was the opposite. Because the Rainbow laser was eminating from the ground, not a lamely named satelitte.

Point is, I considered driving to the base of this shaft. Not because I expected to find a pot o' gold. But because I wanted to see the base of a Rainbow up close. Which I believe is actually impossible. So I am equally retarded for humoring such a notion, even for a moment, as I would have been for expecting to find gold.

Still, gotta keep chasin' that Rainbow.

"Always Chase That Rainbow!" - Nick Doll

THE SUPERBOWL

That could have been a blog in itself. But it's not. Cause I'm about to shoot a whole week's wad in one sitting. Seat belt still on tight? 

 

(This blog aims to hit the kitty and puppy lover demographics.)

I wanna talk about the Superbowl.

I gotta say, the most important event that can happen to your city is to have your team win the Superbowl. All you readers may not realize this, but all you readers didn't grow up in a city that won the Superbowl, not once, but twice... during your childhood. So I don't expect you to understand this.

It's true though. Never will you hear more commotion outside than after your team wins the Superbowl. I grew up in Aurora, which is a suburb of Denver, but not Denver proper. Miles from Denver, in fact. On any other day, any other occasion, you can go outside and hear nothing. I don't care if your hockey team won the Stanley Cup, I don't care if it's New Years Eve (you'll go outside and hear fireworks, but not much else), or if your country just fought off invading Ruskies (Soviet Bastards!).  There's no commotion quite like Superbowl commotion. I still remember fondly, after the Broncos won their second Superbowl in a row, playing football outside in the street at 9pm or so to the sound of never ending honking horns all over the city.

Because, we all know the most appropriate way to celebrate victory is to honk your horn repeatably. And riot. And of course there was rioting after both Superbowl victories. But there was rioting after both Colorado Avalanche Stanley Cup Victories so that could happen any time.

You honestly will never experience a city unifying event quite like a Superbowl victory. Because in America, like it or not, football is the undisputed king. I hope you all get to experience it in your lifetime (Live in a city that wins the Superbowl, I mean. Cause not being in the city when it happens is chump change.).

So I get what those peeps in New Orleans are feeling.

But, I still hate the argument that a team like New Orleans deserves to win because of what happened to their city.

I have always hated that argument. I have hated it since I was in 5th grade.

Because that is when the shootings at Columbine High School happened.  Because if two events define every Coloradoan's life growing up when I did in a suburb of Denver, it's the Broncos winning the Superbowl... twice (that's how important Football is in America. It's a life defining event. Us kids who got that Superbowl vic turned out better than the rest of you.) and the shootings at Columbine.

Following the shootings at Columbine, the Columbine High School football team was doing very well, if I remember correctly. And I don't remember if it was state or just a random game, but some radio commentator said that they really deserved to win that game after all their school had to endure that tragedy.

Even in 5th grade, at age I-Dont't-Even-Know, I thought, "That is a fucking stupid reason to deserve to win."

I endured tragedy to please give me an award? Please.

And this thought developed in the mind of a 5th grader, still in elementary school, who had no allegiance to any high school team that he thought should win. It was a truly unbiased thought. Fuck, even in high school I had no allegiance to my high school football team. Even in college there was no football team pride! Because only professional sports have any value (but that is a different opinion for a different blog, perhaps. This one already has far too many.).

I get that such a victory unifies a community that has undergone tragedy. Like Columbine in 1999 or New Orleans this year. But is it reason enough for them to "deserve it?"

Answer: No.

Not to sound cold or insensitive (which I surely do), but technically, wouldn't the Columbine team deserve it less? Because the tragedy messed up their practice schedule for weeks so they actually worked for it less? I mean, isn't the most deserving team one who trains really hard for it? Food for thought.
The point is, good for New Orleans, but when you say, "I'm glad they won because of Katrina" you're comments don't move my cold, three sized too small heart. I will simply look you in the eye and say, "My Heart Aches for Peyton." Then, while your trying to decide if I feel for the guy or if I'm gay for the guy, my heart aching for him and all, I will turn, and make my exit. And leave you pondering.

(Wow. Check out that bod.)

ON BEING ASKED OUT AT WORK

No, I was not asked out at Barnes and Noble today. But, you weren't assuming that anyway.

My female coworker was. She approached the male customer (this ain't no same sex story [not that there's anything wrong with that]) like the would any other, the ole' "Is there a certain title I can help you find?" sort of dealy. And I don't think there was a title she could help him find (I honestly don't know, I wasn't paying that much attention.).

But, they struck up convo. I was running around, between the 2nd floor and 3rd (aka DVD/Bluray Land) so I didn't hear the whole evolution of conversation, but suddenly they were talking about where they went to college, why they were in LA, etc. At this point, I was like, wow, this dude must be interested in her, because who talks about that with an employee at Barnes and Noble when they come in for a book?

I mean, my best days are ones where I have an in depth conversation with a customer about film, but this was more personal than that. And, sure enough, at the end this guy asked my co-worker out and they exchanged numbers.

Who the fuck saw that happening? Who expects to go to work and get asked out, by a customer they have never seen, none-the-less. That's fucking crazy?

Is that how it's done in the Big Apple Core? (If NY is the Big Apple, than LA is surely the Big Apple Core.) Is that how you meet someone?

Should I ask my cashier at Target out to Yogurt? Should I ask the Yogurt Girl at Yogurtland (If they don't call their employees Yogurt Girls at Yogurt Land, they should start. [Even dudes.]) out to coffee? I'm guessing not if I'm getting Yogurt with the girl from Target.

I can't comprehend asking out someone I'm meeting for the first time. Then again, I can't comprehend asking out anybody. It's not that I don't want a girlfriend or fling or what-have-you, it's just that the whole concept of asking someone out, of making any sort of move, is so fucking alien to me.

I really feel like Dexter sometimes. It's not that I "don't feel" anything like him. I feel emotions. Happy... sad... angry...longing... hungry. And I have some very legitimate, strong relationships with very close friends and family. But everything else can often seem superficial. Annoyingly so. Interactions at work or with less than close friends. I sometimes do a decent job with playing along, acting convincing, but how real is that? Meanwhile, this relationship game is completely  lost on me. I can't even fake it. So I have so of this alien feeling towards relationships in common with Dexter (though I actually want one, unlike him.) Plus that urge to serial kill.

Be still my dark passenger, tonight is the night...

Maybe asking out someone you buy a DVD from isn't that weird (then again, he didn't even buy a DVD...). Maybe that's normal. I wouldn't know, because all of it seems weird to me. Apparently you just gotta take what you want. Only not really, because that is rape. You gotta take what you want by not being afraid to ask for it.

A man I greatly admire once quoted a man he greatly admires. Kevin Smith quoted Wayne Gretzky as saying "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." And I took this shit to heart, well, pretended to, writing it down and putting it on my wall. But it's something I just can't live by. But, it is something you should live by. So, as I tear apart that piece of paper where I wrote this quote, go ahead and make yourself one.

Equilibrium, bitch.

EPILOGUE
 
There. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. Sorry if I got a wee bit personal there and whiny at the end. I'm not trying to pull a Conan here, giving a "Don't cry for me" speech after spending two weeks asking everyone  in America to do just that.

Besides, if anyone read past the Superbowl rant, I'll be pretty fucking surprised. Because it was a dumb move to dump all these thoughts (surely 3 blogs worth!) into one blog. If I was smart I would have written all of this and split the publishing over 3 nights. But, I'm not smart.

Then again, I've always thought the wisest people were those who knew they were morons.

Babies...? So begins the Epidemic of Stupidity. So ends humanity.

First, watch the trailer for the most insulting movie of all time...

Behold... the trailer... for BABIES!

I don't even know where to start with this one. I am just so infuriated right now...

The Barnes and Noble were I work shares a building with The Landmark movie theater. It really is a gnarly (yes, gnarly) theater. Assigned, super comfy seats, a great selection of indie and main stream fair (it's where I saw Sherlock Holmes all 3 times). The third floor, where DVD/Bluray Land is geographically situated, happens to be right across the hall from part of The Landmark. Only glass windows and doors separate where I work from a wall of HD Televisions playing a constant loop of movie trailers.

This is where I first learned of BABIES (and Sex and the City 2 [yes, there is already a Sex and the City 2]).

I couldn't believe this trailer when I first saw it. Granted, I couldn't hear it. Because glass separates me from the HD Screens, I can only see the trailers, whilst listening to one of four CDs of Music Barnes and Noble plays, which I can only assume are designed to get the customer to buy a book rather than staying to read it, as staying to read it would mean listening to the music Barnes and Noble chooses to play.

There must be more to this trailer than picture alone conveys, I thought. Having just actually watched the trailer, with sound, I can safely affirm that my greatest fears have been realized.

People are stupid.

My suspicions were first aroused (tee-he-he) when Avatard became the highest grossing movie of all time (without adjusting for inflation, mind you). I can understand how such a film could make over $200 million, as equally shitty films like Transformers pull off the feat quite often, I thought. But, I could not rectify how a film as brainless as Avatar could make an excess of $600 million worldwide. It is not uncommon for stupid blockbusters to rake in the dough in one record setting weekend and then see the large drop of around 60% of the audience in the weeks that followed. But it is uncommon for these shitty, shitty, substance-less movies to keep an audience for as long as Avatard has. 

So, that was simply the first sign that something was wrong. That people, worldwide, had finally reached a new level of stupidity. I was like the scientist in every disaster movie imaginable (who also shared a brain and dialog with the scientists of Avatard). I brought the warning of impending doom, saw this disaster coming, and even though it was too late to prevent, we could have started evacuating some people. But no one listened. And now it is too late to save anyone.

BABIES is the affirmation that my theory was, indeed, correct. There is an epidemic of stupidity sweeping the nation.
 
I get it, babies are cute. And adorable. And the things they do can be even more cuter and even more adorabler than they are. I even admit that watching the trailer for BABIES was not an altogether horrible way to spend two minutes. But you have to be a fucking moron to spend two hours watching BABIES. At the cost of $11. A fucking moron.

Maybe I am jumping the gun, just a bit. After all, BABIES isn't a hit, yet (trust me, it will be). But, really, it is just insulting to me that this movie exists at all.

BABIES is the equivalent of reality television (reality TV being the lowest form of TV in existence currently). No, I'm not saying documentaries are the equivalent of reality television. I am saying BABIES is the equivalent of reality television.

BABIES is effectively cashing in on the cuteness of babies. It's taking advantage of babies! Babies! The director is a monster of a prick. A brilliant monster of a prick, but a monster of a prick all the same.

Cashing in on babies is nothing new. But at least Hollywood had the dignity to make the babies talk and fight crime using CGI in the past (after all, who can forget Baby Geniuses? I will never forget. Can never forget.). But this monstrous prick has sunk to the new low of simply filming babies and selling that as a product.What a fucker.

It's going to start a new wave of cuter and adorabler documentaries. Coming soon to a theater near you...

PUPPIES

KITTENS

THE ELDERLY

(Okay, that last one is gross, not adorabler. But a spoof trailer showing the Elderly doing senile, baby type things would be hilarious. If I had more initiative I would make that spoof myself. Because it's a fantastic idea.)

Really, all I'm saying, is that if you see BABIES, you are an idiot. And you cannot be saved.

I may or may not silently judge you when you tell me you think Avatard is a good movie ("Hey, I'm smarter than this person!"), but I guarantee my opinion of you drops if you pay to see BABIES. And if you rent it, your intelligence level becomes suspect. My judgment pending what your thoughts on Avatard were...

Bringing Change (Change I didn't even promise!)

That's right, ladies and gentlemen.

Not one day on the job and I have brought Change to the 3rd floor as King of DVD/Bluray Land. CHANGE! (And not simply the change I deliver to the visitors to DVD/Bluray Land when they purchase my subjects as slaves, using cash money.)

Today I was shown the ropes. All the duties I would be preforming as King (also known as not-actually-a-lead DVD/Music lead).

My first act (after learning said duties) was bringing Change to the third floor. Horrible, horrible, change.

It wasn't even my idea. It was God's (also known as the third floor manager). God spoke down upon me, saying, "Perhaps we should move the Blurays."

You see, all has not been well in DVD/Bluray Land. All the Bluray people have been held prisoner, kept captive behind the counter. This is for two reasons. Because there is not enough space in the rest of my moderately-sized kingdom for them to live and because it keeps them away from the Vikings that enter our store, stealing and raping the more expensive peoples... like the Bluray race.

Today, God said down unto me, that perhaps we could move the Bluray people out into the kingdom, freeing them from their prison behind mine royal counter (That is not a typo. By saying "Mine" instead of "My" it simply sounds more royal, don't yine think [again, Yine sounds more royal than mine, don't yine think?]?).

He said that, perhaps the people of Bluray would be more easily sold as slaves if they were more easily browsed out in the kingdom. And rightfully so. It is hard to pick a good slave from over a counter. Especially if you are not sure which slave you have come for and you simply wish to browse slaves.

Yes. Such Change I would bring to the people. My first day, and I am vowing to close down a prison! Always a smart decision for a ruler to make.

Alas, the prison could not be closed (Who saw that coming? Not my nonexistant advisers! That's for sure!). Because, in order to free the Bluray people, other people would have to take their place. Fore there is simply not enough space in the kingdom unless some subjects are kept in prison (wouldn't that be a nice reversal, California?).

Who better than the DVD people of the Health/Fitness and Music/Performance tribes? Because who the fuck goes to Barnes and Noble to buy a workout DVD or a DVD of Madonna's latest concert?

So, like Jean Luc Picard, I made it so!

We began the great exodus. A moving of peoples. First, we had to shift the DVD tribes of Health/Fitness and Music/Performance out of their homes. Needless to say, it went much smoother than the events of District 9.

Such Change required all the tribes of the DVD people be relocated. All must loose the homes they resided for generations for the greater good. I am such a mighty king that the suffering of my people does not cause me to loose sight of this greater good.

For you see, the people of Bluray were to be located to the left side of the oval that is the kingdom of DVD/Bluray Land. For it is here that they can be most easily watched by their divine ruler, so that Vikings do not pillage and rape them (some Vikings do have penis [Penises? Peni?] of such a small sized that they literally can have sex with a Bluray, though the results ain't pretty! Trust me on that one [I love Blurays soooo much {And with that little joke, I have finally crossed the invisible, arbitrary line of what is acceptable and what goes too far}!]!).

The right side of the kingdom, where the Tribes of Health/Fitness and Music/Performance tribes lived for generation upon generation, are in a blind spot where I cannot protect my peoples (because honestly, who would steal this garbage?). So they were moved out and all other tribes were shifted right to make room for the people of Bluray! For they are my chosen people! Who I love above all else (I would make a great God...[aka Manager...])!

So, I brought great Change to today!

Great Change that I could not complete....

So, tomorrow, either the Change is done when I arrive or I must complete it! But at least Change has begun!

And for someone who never promised to bring Change at all, that ain't half bad.

Pulling a Leno

I am guilty of pulling a Leno.

No, I do not mean I am guilty of telling lame, boring jokes that suck balls (though I am incredibly guilty of this offense as well [just see this blog]).

I have tried to give away my apartment, only to change my mind and take it back for myself, like a greedy dick-hole.

If you are a fan of the blog (I may actually have more readers than Leno has viewers. All estimates put my readership around 10 or so.) you know that yesterday I was given a "promotion" at Barnes and Noble. I was also given the chance to get the fuck out of Dodge (and by Dodge I mean LA [Technically I already got the fuck out of Dodge, because my film school was called Dodge College]).

Well, I choose the "promotion," so I am am staying in Dodge (by which I mean LA... again [Repeating lame jokes that failed the first time? Another Leno offense!].) and getting more responsibility, more power, and more hours at Barnes and Noble. Better yet, I have been given back my purpose in life. Yay! By staying in LA, the screenwriting dream is still alive (on life support?) and I am already more prideful at my Barnes and Noble job being the King of DVD/Bluray Land.

But, in doing so I have pulled a Leno.

I told my roommate I was leaving. We began the search for someone to take over my lease (which, as it turned out, was easier than The Search for Spock [My Star Trek reference for the night. BAM! You are welcome, Andrew].), finding someone who loved the apartment and wanted to move in ASAP.

So, what did I do to this person who thought she was getting the apartment and loved it so?... I took it away from her by staying.

And, in doing so, I pulled a Leno. I am scum. I am unfunny. Just like Jay Leno. I should just lay down in a ditch and die somewhere. I am ruining television. Fuck me. Fuck me so hard.

And, that is all I have for you tonight. Sorry it is so short a blog, but I have had a rough day (sorta, but not really). At work, I couldn't spell "conscious" in front of a customer (he had to tell me how to spell it. I forgot the 2nd "c.") and I made the retarded statement that Machu Picchu was a person. Ouch. 

This makes me almost as retarded as Jay Leno.

Pardon My Internet Speak, But WTF, Life!?!

Shit. I was going to write a blog about a lady who came in and complained that the religious section was too small at my Barnes and Noble store. I was going to comment on how our religious section is actually huuuuge (unless you are a religious nut, apparently), spanning like 3 isles of double sided bookshelves. The Christian part alone is like two complete isles... and she was totes Christian! Our Humor section is literally 1/6 the size, being only the single side of a bookshelf. Shelves upon shelves for God and only room for several copies of Jon Stewart's book? What kind of God would allow this atrocity to take place?

That would have made a damn fine blog, if I do say so myself. And I do... say so... myself. But, life has a way of getting in the way (Jesus H. Christ [see, I can be as religious as the next guy], that sounds like a shitty logline from a shittily titled movie like It's Complicated [maybe I should have named this blog, It's Complicated!... cause it is. Because everything fucking is! Which is why that is the shittiest title in the history of shitty titles! {Besides Everything's Fine, which is much, much worse. Because if Everything's Fine, why the fuck am I watching this movie?}!]!)!

So, life through me two pitches, nice and slow, right over the plate. I mean, these are both pitches that ordinarily, I would be thrilled to receive, cause they would both be home runs! But, because said pitches were both thrown at the exact same time, they became a single curve ball that [INSERT NAME OF FAMOUS BASEBALL PLAYER WHO IS A GREAT HITTER HERE] himself could not hit. Don't ask me how two great pitches became one horrifying curve ball, that's simply how the game of baseball works. Which I don't understand (see, I'm so confused I am making baseball metaphors! Baseball metaphors!).

This guy looks famous enough. Even HE could not hit this curveball.

The first sweet bit of news, that, had it come on any other day, I would have been so fucking stoked to receive (and I am still pretty pleased with). As you know, I have been working at Barnes and Noble these past 3 or so months. I was hired on a seasonal hire, simply extra help with the added Christmas crowds. But, even at my interview, the chance of being kept on was mentioned. So I have worked toward this (being kept on past Jan. 31st, I mean). Because, I want to have an income, even if it is part time. And, I really do enjoy working at Barnes and Noble, as much as one can enjoy a job that is not screenwriting (my dream job). Hell, I've spent the last 2 months primarily on the 3rd floor, which at my B&N is DVD/Bluray land. All the movies reside here. My DVD/Bluray collection being my greatest pride in this world, there is no retail position I would rather work than a DVD/Bluray department.

So, the news. Today, my manager Nick (no relation), who you know from the Star Trek: Nemesis deleted scene (I knew I would work in Star Trek somehow), has news for me. He tells me that not only do they want to keep me on, they want to make me DVD lead! Meaning, I am in charge of the 3rd floor (under the 3rd floor manager of course). I would be king of the DVDs/Blurays! KING!

Sure, there is no extra pay because B&N is only allowed to officially hire a lead for a department if the department meets a certain quota ours does not... but it's still a great "promotion." I get more regular hours, even in slow weeks, I am in a great position to become an actual lead in a few months (which would mean more money and hours, as I understand it) and, who knows, eventually a manager in the distant future, and I control the department. Which, mainly means I get to present it how I like. That's right, I control the displays and presentation of DVD/Bluray land. Pretty freaking sweet. Nerdgasm.

I have never been "promoted" (even if it's not pay wise) based on merit before! The last time I got promoted was when the federal minimum wage went up (which is not a joke. That is fact. Which is very, very sad). Unless you count moving from an unpaid internship with no perks to an unpaid internship where lunch is free everyday (which I don't). Because I once did that too (what an exciting life I lead)! So, I did feel super stoked to get promoted. And super excited at what this news could mean for the near future.

But apparently good news comes in twos. Twos that contradict each other and make me confused and stressed out.

Okay, so, even though it is not common knowledge, I have been up to something even the US government can not muster, my exit strategy (har-dee-har-har). Yes, fed up with unpaid internships and the promise of years of Hollywood bitch work, I have been planning to move to a cheaper locale than LA to work retail while I continue to write. Support myself on a retail salary in a place where rent is $500 cheaper a month than LA. Because, if I'm going to work retail, what am I doing in LA?

So, I had it all figured out. All I had to do was get someone to fill my seat hole. Someone to sublet my apartment until the lease ends around May 23rd, or what-have-you. And, I was far into this process as well, whether you knew about my exit strategy or not. I cleaned the shit out of my bathroom, room, and kitchen, to levels I actually find insanitary because they are TOO clean. And my roommate showed the apartment tonight.

So, guess what the news is? The person she showed it too loved the place and wants to move in ASAP. I could be out of LA by Feb. 1st, which was my best case scenario.

So, today, life gave me two things I wanted. But, they are two things that both cannot happen. I can't escape LA cleanly and immediately, like I have been dreaming of pulling of for a month now, AND be the King of DVD/Bluray land.

And Bluray/DVD Land fulfills something else I have wanted more than anything for a month now (besides escape from LA). Ever since deciding to leave, I have partly given up on the writing dream, cause, let's face it, if you don't live in LA, your chances of being a screenwriter are decreased drastically. I know its melodramatic, but without this goal, my life has been kinda pointless. I had been looking forward to moving back to Colorado, but what past that? I'd been looking forward to being a writer for so long, without such a goal my life is empty. So, this job not only keeps the goal alive by keeping me in LA, it gives me purpose in my current job, because just hearing I was now the DVD lead gave me a new sense of pride I have not had in a job since my first unpaid internship (boy, I was naive then).

So, what the fuck do I do now? Any pointers? I really would love some advice. Just post it below, or Fbook me. Please!

I'm leaning toward staying for now. Try the DVD Lead thing at least until my lease is up in May, then reassess things. I don't know though...

Sorry to be such a downer... but please... a little help? I'd help you... (maybe)...