Gotta Keep Chasin' That Rainbow

I have lots to talk about today. Lots of opinions to express. So, fasten your seat-belts kids. You don't want to get thrown through the windshield of the boring mobile. Cause if you do, I'll leave your mangled corpse on the road. Won't even scrape your brains off the street. Don't say I didn't warn you...

 

(Don't know why Safety is misspelled here.)

RAINBOWS

Apparently you don't see Rainbows often in LA. I pointed one out at work several weeks ago, and everyone just about flipped their lids. I wish someone actually had flipped their lid, as then I would know what it meant.

I come from Colorado. Which apparently is the land of Rainbows compared to LA. Which is odd, because there are far more queens in LA. And I don't mean the Helen Mirren type of Queen. I mean homosexuals. (Queen isn't a derogatory term, is it? I wasn't meaning to be homophobic. I love my gay brothers [But not in a gay way. {Not that there's anything wrong with that.}).

I pointed out that Rainbow several weeks ago. I was like "Hey look. A Rainbow." I wasn't like "What the fuck! It's a mother fucking rainbow! Everyone look! Quick! It's a goddamn Rainbow! I can't believe this! Ahhhhh!" Because I'm from Colorado, not LA. But everyone else acted like they had never seen a Rainbow before. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. It was crazy!

Today I saw another Rainbow. A double Rainbow. As is often the case with double Rainbows (See. Colorado=Rainbow Expert) one was much weaker than the other. But the other was fucking strong as shit. The clearest rainbow I had ever seen. And it was strongest at the base of the Rainbow shaft. By the ground.

For the first time since I was a wee lad, I really wanted to drive to the base of the Rainbow. Because it was so strong at the base of that shaft (I make Rainbows much gayer) it actually looked like it was shooting out of the ground. Like a laser or something. Like that sun laser in Die Another Day. I believe the satelitte was called Icarus, because the writer was trying be to be clever with the whole "flying to close to the sun thing" and by referencing Greek mythology. Only this was the opposite. Because the Rainbow laser was eminating from the ground, not a lamely named satelitte.

Point is, I considered driving to the base of this shaft. Not because I expected to find a pot o' gold. But because I wanted to see the base of a Rainbow up close. Which I believe is actually impossible. So I am equally retarded for humoring such a notion, even for a moment, as I would have been for expecting to find gold.

Still, gotta keep chasin' that Rainbow.

"Always Chase That Rainbow!" - Nick Doll

THE SUPERBOWL

That could have been a blog in itself. But it's not. Cause I'm about to shoot a whole week's wad in one sitting. Seat belt still on tight? 

 

(This blog aims to hit the kitty and puppy lover demographics.)

I wanna talk about the Superbowl.

I gotta say, the most important event that can happen to your city is to have your team win the Superbowl. All you readers may not realize this, but all you readers didn't grow up in a city that won the Superbowl, not once, but twice... during your childhood. So I don't expect you to understand this.

It's true though. Never will you hear more commotion outside than after your team wins the Superbowl. I grew up in Aurora, which is a suburb of Denver, but not Denver proper. Miles from Denver, in fact. On any other day, any other occasion, you can go outside and hear nothing. I don't care if your hockey team won the Stanley Cup, I don't care if it's New Years Eve (you'll go outside and hear fireworks, but not much else), or if your country just fought off invading Ruskies (Soviet Bastards!).  There's no commotion quite like Superbowl commotion. I still remember fondly, after the Broncos won their second Superbowl in a row, playing football outside in the street at 9pm or so to the sound of never ending honking horns all over the city.

Because, we all know the most appropriate way to celebrate victory is to honk your horn repeatably. And riot. And of course there was rioting after both Superbowl victories. But there was rioting after both Colorado Avalanche Stanley Cup Victories so that could happen any time.

You honestly will never experience a city unifying event quite like a Superbowl victory. Because in America, like it or not, football is the undisputed king. I hope you all get to experience it in your lifetime (Live in a city that wins the Superbowl, I mean. Cause not being in the city when it happens is chump change.).

So I get what those peeps in New Orleans are feeling.

But, I still hate the argument that a team like New Orleans deserves to win because of what happened to their city.

I have always hated that argument. I have hated it since I was in 5th grade.

Because that is when the shootings at Columbine High School happened.  Because if two events define every Coloradoan's life growing up when I did in a suburb of Denver, it's the Broncos winning the Superbowl... twice (that's how important Football is in America. It's a life defining event. Us kids who got that Superbowl vic turned out better than the rest of you.) and the shootings at Columbine.

Following the shootings at Columbine, the Columbine High School football team was doing very well, if I remember correctly. And I don't remember if it was state or just a random game, but some radio commentator said that they really deserved to win that game after all their school had to endure that tragedy.

Even in 5th grade, at age I-Dont't-Even-Know, I thought, "That is a fucking stupid reason to deserve to win."

I endured tragedy to please give me an award? Please.

And this thought developed in the mind of a 5th grader, still in elementary school, who had no allegiance to any high school team that he thought should win. It was a truly unbiased thought. Fuck, even in high school I had no allegiance to my high school football team. Even in college there was no football team pride! Because only professional sports have any value (but that is a different opinion for a different blog, perhaps. This one already has far too many.).

I get that such a victory unifies a community that has undergone tragedy. Like Columbine in 1999 or New Orleans this year. But is it reason enough for them to "deserve it?"

Answer: No.

Not to sound cold or insensitive (which I surely do), but technically, wouldn't the Columbine team deserve it less? Because the tragedy messed up their practice schedule for weeks so they actually worked for it less? I mean, isn't the most deserving team one who trains really hard for it? Food for thought.
The point is, good for New Orleans, but when you say, "I'm glad they won because of Katrina" you're comments don't move my cold, three sized too small heart. I will simply look you in the eye and say, "My Heart Aches for Peyton." Then, while your trying to decide if I feel for the guy or if I'm gay for the guy, my heart aching for him and all, I will turn, and make my exit. And leave you pondering.

(Wow. Check out that bod.)

ON BEING ASKED OUT AT WORK

No, I was not asked out at Barnes and Noble today. But, you weren't assuming that anyway.

My female coworker was. She approached the male customer (this ain't no same sex story [not that there's anything wrong with that]) like the would any other, the ole' "Is there a certain title I can help you find?" sort of dealy. And I don't think there was a title she could help him find (I honestly don't know, I wasn't paying that much attention.).

But, they struck up convo. I was running around, between the 2nd floor and 3rd (aka DVD/Bluray Land) so I didn't hear the whole evolution of conversation, but suddenly they were talking about where they went to college, why they were in LA, etc. At this point, I was like, wow, this dude must be interested in her, because who talks about that with an employee at Barnes and Noble when they come in for a book?

I mean, my best days are ones where I have an in depth conversation with a customer about film, but this was more personal than that. And, sure enough, at the end this guy asked my co-worker out and they exchanged numbers.

Who the fuck saw that happening? Who expects to go to work and get asked out, by a customer they have never seen, none-the-less. That's fucking crazy?

Is that how it's done in the Big Apple Core? (If NY is the Big Apple, than LA is surely the Big Apple Core.) Is that how you meet someone?

Should I ask my cashier at Target out to Yogurt? Should I ask the Yogurt Girl at Yogurtland (If they don't call their employees Yogurt Girls at Yogurt Land, they should start. [Even dudes.]) out to coffee? I'm guessing not if I'm getting Yogurt with the girl from Target.

I can't comprehend asking out someone I'm meeting for the first time. Then again, I can't comprehend asking out anybody. It's not that I don't want a girlfriend or fling or what-have-you, it's just that the whole concept of asking someone out, of making any sort of move, is so fucking alien to me.

I really feel like Dexter sometimes. It's not that I "don't feel" anything like him. I feel emotions. Happy... sad... angry...longing... hungry. And I have some very legitimate, strong relationships with very close friends and family. But everything else can often seem superficial. Annoyingly so. Interactions at work or with less than close friends. I sometimes do a decent job with playing along, acting convincing, but how real is that? Meanwhile, this relationship game is completely  lost on me. I can't even fake it. So I have so of this alien feeling towards relationships in common with Dexter (though I actually want one, unlike him.) Plus that urge to serial kill.

Be still my dark passenger, tonight is the night...

Maybe asking out someone you buy a DVD from isn't that weird (then again, he didn't even buy a DVD...). Maybe that's normal. I wouldn't know, because all of it seems weird to me. Apparently you just gotta take what you want. Only not really, because that is rape. You gotta take what you want by not being afraid to ask for it.

A man I greatly admire once quoted a man he greatly admires. Kevin Smith quoted Wayne Gretzky as saying "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." And I took this shit to heart, well, pretended to, writing it down and putting it on my wall. But it's something I just can't live by. But, it is something you should live by. So, as I tear apart that piece of paper where I wrote this quote, go ahead and make yourself one.

Equilibrium, bitch.

EPILOGUE
 
There. I think I covered everything I wanted to cover. Sorry if I got a wee bit personal there and whiny at the end. I'm not trying to pull a Conan here, giving a "Don't cry for me" speech after spending two weeks asking everyone  in America to do just that.

Besides, if anyone read past the Superbowl rant, I'll be pretty fucking surprised. Because it was a dumb move to dump all these thoughts (surely 3 blogs worth!) into one blog. If I was smart I would have written all of this and split the publishing over 3 nights. But, I'm not smart.

Then again, I've always thought the wisest people were those who knew they were morons.

Nothing's Tastier than Hamm

Jon Hamm.

Men want to be him. Women want him to be inside them. And I want both. Because he's Jon Hamm.

Though I am not gay, nor a woman, and I have been told I am wrong by women many times, but I do think Jon Hamm must be the most attractive man in the world. He is the ideal man. And it doesn't make me gay to say that. Because I'm saying it about Jon Hamm (who, like Brad Pitt and Mel Gibson before him, it is entirely appropriate to have a man crush on).

And I know I really shouldn't write about Jon Hamm during what is officially Mel Gibson's week (go see Edge of Darkness, by the way. Riggs needs you!), but I just can't help myself. Because he's Jon Hamm!

Now, for those of you who don't know who Jon Hamm is (because you're an idiot), he's most famous for being the star of the fantastic show, Mad Men (which you have never seen because you are an idiot). He plays Don Draper, a real man's man... because he's not afraid to cheat on his wife in the 1960s.

And he can sell anything. Including cheating on his wife.

The world really needs more Jon Hamm. Sure, Mad Men is perhaps the second greatest drama show of all time in this blogger's not-so-humble opinion (right behind Dexter). But Jon Hamm deserves even more. He deserves starring roles in movies, not bit parts in shitty Keanu Reeves vechiles like The Day the Earth Stood Still (which, to be fair, I have never seen. So I'm saying it's shitty based on second hand opinions.). He deserves to be a real star! Not simply one of the most respected actors working in television today.

Jon Hamm has gotten a little love outside of Mad Men (and the copious amount of awards he was won for his work on Mad Men). His stint on 30 Rock in Season 3 places him alongside the 30 Rock guest star greats, a very exclusive and impressive club that includes Will Arnett (the funniest man to ever walk the face of planet Earth) and James Franco.

Also, his portrayal of Lex Luthor in THIS Funny Or Die sketch is not to be missed. 

Because of how much he looks like Clark Kent and how well he plays Mr. Luthor, I have long maintained the belief that the ultimate Jon Hamm project would be a Superman Movie starring Jon Hamm as both Superman and Lex Luthor. And no, I am not joking. There would be no better way to make a Superman Movie, or no other version of Superman I would be more interested in.

Because, let's face it, Superman is the shittiest superhero ever. He's invincible except for one thing! Kryptonite. So, guess what the villain is going to pull out every damn movie to defeat him...

Plus, he doesn't wear a mask, yet no one know's he's Superman?  He just removes his glasses and curls a strand of hair? Superman is shit. Not, "the shit." Just shit.

But I'm being distracted from obsessing over Hamm. Hamm's non-Mad Men highlights have been his hosting gigs on SNL (I really hope everyone reading this blog knows what that stands for). He's done it twice now in two years, and I really hope SNL makes it an annual thing. Because that guarantees they will have at least one person who watches several sketches on Hulu one day a year (what an enticing offer. I don't see how they can't have Jon Hamm back again next year). Assuming Hulu remains free. Cause I ain't paying for that shit.

 

Allow me to allow Jon Hamm to entertain you this blog. Because he is far better at entertaining than I am. And he is far better looking. Damn. How can God bless one man with such good looks (I swear I'm not gay) and such comedic chops? It's not fair. Really proves there isn't a God...

I have embedded the Jon Hamm SNL highlights (hope this works!). From both his hosting gigs. Because, being SNL, watching every skit is painful. Because many are painfully bad. But I have endured such pain for you. Because I love you. And, as I have stated before, I am the son of God. Even though there is no God.

Good luck surviving the easily ignorable Haiti ads, though.

Jon Hamm's 2010 Monologue

 

Jon Hamm informs us that he is simply an actor. And not all his roles were as suave and commanding as Don Draper.

Jon Hamm's John Ham

Quite possibly my favorite Jon Hamm sketch of all time. Brilliant.

Hamm & Buble

The incredible "sequel" to Jon Hamm's John Ham. Possibly better than the original as the mean side of Hamm is hilarious. I stock and sell Michael Buble's album almost daily at Barnes and Noble, but who knew he wasn't just another pretty faced singing hack? He's got a sense of humor!

Don Draper's Guide to Picking Up Women

Highlights why Don Draper is so awesome. 

 New Senator

Jon Hamm is a good dancer.

Digital Short: The Curse

Only Hamm can out cool the Kool Aid man.

Barnes and Noble

 

Finally, Jon Hamm presents the history of my employer. Too true. We DO have a homeless problem.

Well, that's it. But at least I'm proven my point. Jon Hamm is hilarious. And the best looking man on planet Earth. 

And, yes, I did learn how to embed videos halfway through the blog. So, hopefully, in the future, links shall be a thing of the past for me. And my blogs will take longer to load. Because I love you.

You're quite welcome.

No Need for Torture, My Friend (the stunning sequel to "No need for Torturem")

(Yes, I can edit blogs, even after they are posted. But, instead of simply editing the blog that is simply a title, mysteriously posted by my computer, I decided to make an extra little joke in this new title. Because that is how desperate I am to be clever.)

Seeing as how 24 (dink-dink, dink-dink) Season 8 has just started (that's 8 days of hell now for our friend Jack Bauer), it seems like the perfect time to catch up on Season 7. Because, it is much too logical to catch up on 24 before the new season started. I'd rather have my own race against the clock. My mission, which I choose to accept, is to watch Season 7 of 24, in it's entirety, before my DVR runs out of space for new episodes of Season 8 (this mission is made even more urgent by my desire not to erase The Prisoner [2009] miniseries which I have been saving until I grow the balls to watch it again). Or before some douche spoils a tasty twist.

What an action packed life I lead.

24's trademark, besides the "real time" device, has got to be Jack's extreme use of torture to get time sensitive information from suspects. The man's shot a suspect's wife in the leg and electrocuted his own brother using wires ripped from a lamp for Christ sake! He's the 2nd to last television character I would want to cross. Because, let's face it, Dexter is even more frightening.

I honestly don't know who would win in a fight. Dexter Morgan or Jack Bauer. Though, it's a mute point... because neither would ever find the need to fight the other... and neither exists. Still, it would make for a bad-ass crossover comic book. And you thought Marvel Vs. DC was rad...

Anyway, watching Jack torture all these people has got me thinking... No, it's not like when I watch Dexter, silly! All the torture on screen doesn't make me want to torture people, like my sudden desire to chop up bodies after I watch Dexter.

My thinking has been done from the torturee's perspective (Spell check and I are fairly certain that 'torturee' is not a word. I mean one who is being tortured, as opposed to one who is doing the torturing). I'm not sure why this is. Perhaps I relate more to the characters who are corrupt, willing to accept vast wealth to betray their country, more than the characters who will do what is right for the US, even at the cost of their own life or the lives of their families.

For whatever the reason, I've been thinking about if I were to be tortured. And how very unnecessary that would be.

Basically, if you have taken me hostage, I'll spill. I'll tell you whatever you want to know, man! No need even withdraw a gun. Or a plastic bag for that matter.

I mean, really, you don't even have to take me hostage. Just ask me nicely. Maybe throw me a "please"... and then a "thank you." You know, after I've given up my colleagues or the location of the nuclear device, it would be nice to be thanked

Because, to be frank, I'm just not a fan of pain. Physical or psychological. It doesn't matter. I prefer to avoid both.

This is also the reason I choose not to die for your sins. Even though I do happen to be the Son of God.

How's that for an ending! Talk about a 24 style twist!

The Golden Globes Are Voted On By Stupid People Who Know Nothing About Film or Another Avatar Rant

Avatard is the best movie of the year? Really? No, seriously. Really?

Whether you liked the movie or not, you have to be fucking retarded to really think it was the highest quality movie of the year.

I get it. The special effects were flashy. But we're not twelve, are we Golden Globe voters?

Don't we understand that a movie is the sum of many parts? In order to judge the quality of a movie, we must look at the script, the acting, the directing, the music, entertainment value, AND special effects.

Okay, so the script is one of the least original ever. Take the plot from FernGully and add the shitty dialog  and stock characters from Transformers. Seriously, General and Corporate characters who care more about money and the scientist characters who realize that nature is important? And the character with a military history and a conscious who is stuck in the middle? Come the fuck on!

And sure, Cameron filled it with a decent message, nature is beautiful and we are destroying our world. But, hear of subtlety much? You don't HAVE to bash an audience over the head with your message. They are smart enough to get it (though, in a world of people dumb enough to love Avatard in such mass, apparently I'm wrong).

The acting? Meat head Sam Worthington acting against a general who seems to be taken straight out of any military film? Lame.

It's bullshit. I know it doesn't matter (both because it is a subjective award and because it's the Golden Globes [a stupid man's Oscars {and even the Oscars are just a political sham}]), but this movie truly won based on the reputation of Cameron, the box office receipts (rating for a ratings starving NBC), and the special effects. It's like all the other parts that make a movie weren't even considered.

So shame on you, Golden Globe Voters (whoever you are. Who knows how the fuck these award shows work.). Shame on you for being a bunch of Avatards.

At least Mad Men won best Drama Series (though  Dexter actually deserved it more this year), Michael C. Hall and John Lithgow won acting awards for Dexter, Christoph Waltz won for Inglourious Basterds, and Robert Downey Jr. won for his performance as Sherlock Holmes. If a Golden Glob had any value (the fact that Avatard and James Cameron won proves, without a doubt, that is does not) that would be pretty cool.

Oh, and is it just me (and South Park), or do actors come across as really smug and snooty when they talk about helping those in Haiti? It's nice they give money, but it's also like they take every opportunity to remind us they have given money.

Anyway, that is my outrage. And I'm this close to stopping this whole write-a-blog-a-day-every-day, considering how shitty the blog was yesterday and is today. This seems to be a failed experiment. A failed experiment indeed.