Welcome to Season 3

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Nothing's Tastier than Hamm

Jon Hamm.

Men want to be him. Women want him to be inside them. And I want both. Because he's Jon Hamm.

Though I am not gay, nor a woman, and I have been told I am wrong by women many times, but I do think Jon Hamm must be the most attractive man in the world. He is the ideal man. And it doesn't make me gay to say that. Because I'm saying it about Jon Hamm (who, like Brad Pitt and Mel Gibson before him, it is entirely appropriate to have a man crush on).

And I know I really shouldn't write about Jon Hamm during what is officially Mel Gibson's week (go see Edge of Darkness, by the way. Riggs needs you!), but I just can't help myself. Because he's Jon Hamm!

Now, for those of you who don't know who Jon Hamm is (because you're an idiot), he's most famous for being the star of the fantastic show, Mad Men (which you have never seen because you are an idiot). He plays Don Draper, a real man's man... because he's not afraid to cheat on his wife in the 1960s.

And he can sell anything. Including cheating on his wife.

The world really needs more Jon Hamm. Sure, Mad Men is perhaps the second greatest drama show of all time in this blogger's not-so-humble opinion (right behind Dexter). But Jon Hamm deserves even more. He deserves starring roles in movies, not bit parts in shitty Keanu Reeves vechiles like The Day the Earth Stood Still (which, to be fair, I have never seen. So I'm saying it's shitty based on second hand opinions.). He deserves to be a real star! Not simply one of the most respected actors working in television today.

Jon Hamm has gotten a little love outside of Mad Men (and the copious amount of awards he was won for his work on Mad Men). His stint on 30 Rock in Season 3 places him alongside the 30 Rock guest star greats, a very exclusive and impressive club that includes Will Arnett (the funniest man to ever walk the face of planet Earth) and James Franco.

Also, his portrayal of Lex Luthor in THIS Funny Or Die sketch is not to be missed. 

Because of how much he looks like Clark Kent and how well he plays Mr. Luthor, I have long maintained the belief that the ultimate Jon Hamm project would be a Superman Movie starring Jon Hamm as both Superman and Lex Luthor. And no, I am not joking. There would be no better way to make a Superman Movie, or no other version of Superman I would be more interested in.

Because, let's face it, Superman is the shittiest superhero ever. He's invincible except for one thing! Kryptonite. So, guess what the villain is going to pull out every damn movie to defeat him...

Plus, he doesn't wear a mask, yet no one know's he's Superman?  He just removes his glasses and curls a strand of hair? Superman is shit. Not, "the shit." Just shit.

But I'm being distracted from obsessing over Hamm. Hamm's non-Mad Men highlights have been his hosting gigs on SNL (I really hope everyone reading this blog knows what that stands for). He's done it twice now in two years, and I really hope SNL makes it an annual thing. Because that guarantees they will have at least one person who watches several sketches on Hulu one day a year (what an enticing offer. I don't see how they can't have Jon Hamm back again next year). Assuming Hulu remains free. Cause I ain't paying for that shit.

 

Allow me to allow Jon Hamm to entertain you this blog. Because he is far better at entertaining than I am. And he is far better looking. Damn. How can God bless one man with such good looks (I swear I'm not gay) and such comedic chops? It's not fair. Really proves there isn't a God...

I have embedded the Jon Hamm SNL highlights (hope this works!). From both his hosting gigs. Because, being SNL, watching every skit is painful. Because many are painfully bad. But I have endured such pain for you. Because I love you. And, as I have stated before, I am the son of God. Even though there is no God.

Good luck surviving the easily ignorable Haiti ads, though.

Jon Hamm's 2010 Monologue

 

Jon Hamm informs us that he is simply an actor. And not all his roles were as suave and commanding as Don Draper.

Jon Hamm's John Ham

Quite possibly my favorite Jon Hamm sketch of all time. Brilliant.

Hamm & Buble

The incredible "sequel" to Jon Hamm's John Ham. Possibly better than the original as the mean side of Hamm is hilarious. I stock and sell Michael Buble's album almost daily at Barnes and Noble, but who knew he wasn't just another pretty faced singing hack? He's got a sense of humor!

Don Draper's Guide to Picking Up Women

Highlights why Don Draper is so awesome. 

 New Senator

Jon Hamm is a good dancer.

Digital Short: The Curse

Only Hamm can out cool the Kool Aid man.

Barnes and Noble

 

Finally, Jon Hamm presents the history of my employer. Too true. We DO have a homeless problem.

Well, that's it. But at least I'm proven my point. Jon Hamm is hilarious. And the best looking man on planet Earth. 

And, yes, I did learn how to embed videos halfway through the blog. So, hopefully, in the future, links shall be a thing of the past for me. And my blogs will take longer to load. Because I love you.

You're quite welcome.

The Golden Globes Are Voted On By Stupid People Who Know Nothing About Film or Another Avatar Rant

Avatard is the best movie of the year? Really? No, seriously. Really?

Whether you liked the movie or not, you have to be fucking retarded to really think it was the highest quality movie of the year.

I get it. The special effects were flashy. But we're not twelve, are we Golden Globe voters?

Don't we understand that a movie is the sum of many parts? In order to judge the quality of a movie, we must look at the script, the acting, the directing, the music, entertainment value, AND special effects.

Okay, so the script is one of the least original ever. Take the plot from FernGully and add the shitty dialog  and stock characters from Transformers. Seriously, General and Corporate characters who care more about money and the scientist characters who realize that nature is important? And the character with a military history and a conscious who is stuck in the middle? Come the fuck on!

And sure, Cameron filled it with a decent message, nature is beautiful and we are destroying our world. But, hear of subtlety much? You don't HAVE to bash an audience over the head with your message. They are smart enough to get it (though, in a world of people dumb enough to love Avatard in such mass, apparently I'm wrong).

The acting? Meat head Sam Worthington acting against a general who seems to be taken straight out of any military film? Lame.

It's bullshit. I know it doesn't matter (both because it is a subjective award and because it's the Golden Globes [a stupid man's Oscars {and even the Oscars are just a political sham}]), but this movie truly won based on the reputation of Cameron, the box office receipts (rating for a ratings starving NBC), and the special effects. It's like all the other parts that make a movie weren't even considered.

So shame on you, Golden Globe Voters (whoever you are. Who knows how the fuck these award shows work.). Shame on you for being a bunch of Avatards.

At least Mad Men won best Drama Series (though  Dexter actually deserved it more this year), Michael C. Hall and John Lithgow won acting awards for Dexter, Christoph Waltz won for Inglourious Basterds, and Robert Downey Jr. won for his performance as Sherlock Holmes. If a Golden Glob had any value (the fact that Avatard and James Cameron won proves, without a doubt, that is does not) that would be pretty cool.

Oh, and is it just me (and South Park), or do actors come across as really smug and snooty when they talk about helping those in Haiti? It's nice they give money, but it's also like they take every opportunity to remind us they have given money.

Anyway, that is my outrage. And I'm this close to stopping this whole write-a-blog-a-day-every-day, considering how shitty the blog was yesterday and is today. This seems to be a failed experiment. A failed experiment indeed.

Nick's Fall 2009 TV Preview! Huzah!

This fall stands to be the most exciting in the history of Television!

Don't trust me?

Well...

Well...

Well, in all honesty I have no actual facts to back that statement up. All I have are my own opinions on what may "rock your metaphorical socks off" this fall. I'm personally planning on being "metaphorically barefoot" all fall. I hope my "metaphorical feet" don't get "cold"... if you know what I mean.

Wink, Wink.

Nudge, Nudge.

(I think I mean that I hope TV rocks as hard as I hope it will this fall, though, in all honesty, I kinda lost it there with that last metaphor and I'm not sure what I mean...)

What qualifies me to tell you what TV will be good this fall? Well, you tell me, sir or madam, because you're the one reading the blog.

First off, a note of clarification. Some shows on my list are considered "summer" shows and are not technically part of the fall line up. But honestly, what studio crack-head defines a show that starts in late August as a summer show? Most the run takes place in the fall! TV heads need to stop doing crack!

Without further-a-do-di-li-do, my countdown of 8, count 'em, 8 SHOWS NOT TO MISS THIS FALL, from mildly exciting to practically arousing in excitement levels...


8. 30 ROCK - Season 4 - TBA - The best show on Network TV (only good show left on the networks?). The whole cast is hilarious and the writing is sharp as a tack (don't step on it with your metaphorical bare feet [not that metaphorical socks would be of any help...]). My only reservation is that last season was real hit or miss. Some episodes were great! :) <-- Smiley face! But others were lacking. :( <-- Frowny face! I never even finished the season, though I will when it hits DVD.


7. CALIFORNICATION - Season 3 - September 27th - Really loved the first season. David Duchovny is the shit and the first season had a really well crafted, complete arc with beginning, middle, and end. It was practically a self contained series in itself. I still have yet to watch Season 2, but assuming it's half as good as Season 1, I will be watching Season 3! So, let's pretend I've seen Season 2 and it was half as good as Season 1 when I say this, "Watch Season 3!" (Whew! All those numbers were beginning to get confusing. I'm a doctor! Not a mathematician!)


6. PSYCH - Season 4 - On Now! - PSYCH is just good, clean, fun. Easily the most appropriate show I watch, PSYCH amuses with fantastic characters (prime example of USA's "Characters wanted" creed) and great 80s references. Its a fun twist on an incredibly tired genre (like we really need more straight forward crime shows). It's the show so nice they made it twice (MENTALIST is a blatant rip off of PSYCH).

5. SOUTH PARK - Season 13 (part 2) - October - I'm as surprised as you are that this gem doesn't rank even higher on my list. It barely made the top 5!

-- Interesting note, it was last on my list (as in, show I was least excited for) but in writing about it I looked at the previous episodes from the last half of season 13. Turns out, it's actually one of the strongest half seasons ever, with classic eps I loved including "THE RING" with Mickey Mouse flipping his lid, "THE COON", "MAGARITAVILLE" which explained the economy to me, "EAT, PRAY, QUEEF", "FISHSTICKS" where Kayne West wasn't no Gay Fish, "PINEWOOD DERBY", and "FATBEARD" which ended the run the same way Obama ended those pirates. Do yourself a favor and watch the whole season now using those links. With the economy the way it is, you have nothing better to do. --

So, originally I wrote a rant about how I wasn't that excited, but its been scraped. All I can say now is that the 2nd half of Season 13 holds as much promise for SOUTH PARK as ever. The only reason SP isn't number one on my list is that it has been on for 13 years, so the shows I've ranked about it simply feel fresher.


4. BORED TO DEATH - Season 1 - September 20th - Whaaa? A brand new show? What is this show?

Here's what it is...

A new HBO Comedy (can I even count it on this list? After all, it's not TV, it's HBO. Right?)! It stars two of my favorite actors, Jason Schwartzman and Zach Galifianakis (neither of whom have nearly enough projects), and Ted Dansen who has proven himself by playing... er... himself on CURB. BORED TO DEATH has a definite promise for extreme comedy. The premise is even awesome; a writer turns private detective after posting a Craig's List ad... well... advertising himself as such. Skrillin'!


3. MAD MEN - Season 3 - August 16th - Yes, MAD MEN is as good as critics claim. And yes, you are a fool for not watching it (I apologize if you are one of the two people who I know watches it. You're not a fool.). To the rest of you, no aplogogies. I don't normally watch dramas (the only one I've really watched is 24, but thats more action show than actual drama) because they're all the same stupid crime or medical show format, but MAD MEN is fantastic. Really, its the ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT of dramas, and if you know me, you know what a crazy statement that is for me to make.

And I ain't gay, but DON DRAPER aka Jon Hamm is quite possibly the best looking man on the planet. (Sorry Brad Pitt.) And He sure can sell Ham!


2. IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - Season 5 - September 17th - After their best season yet, the gang's back for new hijinks and betrayels. Season 4 surpassed all my expectations with a sequel to my favorite SUNNY episode ever ("MAC BANGS DENNIS' MOM") in "MAC BANGS THE WAITRESS" and a Dayman musical in "THE NIGHTMAN COMETH" (which I will be seeing live in LA in September!). Season 5 is already responsible for the funniest clip on TV this year so I expect nothing but greatness when SUNNY finally returns in a month.


1. CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM - Larry David is quite possibly the funniest writer/actor alive today. SEINFELD is amazing and the last 6 seasons of CURB are utterly (moo) sublime. It's kind of embarrassing as a writer to admit that the best thing on TV (where did I land with that? Is it TV or is it HBO? Can it be that HBO IS TV because HBO is on TV?) is adlibbed. This season has the possibility of being the best yet, as the entire cast of SEINFELD reunites to do a SEINFELD reunion (more than half of which is actually included in an episode!). We'll finally get to see what happened to Jerry, George, Elaine and the racist after (if?) they got out of prison. In this season's arc, Larry gets convinced to do something his "real life" (who is more real, "real life Larry" or "TV Larry?") counterpart would never do, write the reuinion ep. Extreme promise for comedy as it'll make for a melding of two of my top 5 shows ever, CURB and SEINFELD! This will be one not to miss!

Best moment of HBO (can't call it TV) ever!


Anyways, there's 8 reasons why you won't be seeing me this fall. So don't ask where I've been!