Halting the Evolution of Comedy

I watched Conan's last Tonight Show last night. It was the 14th Episode of the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien I watched... ever. I watched the first 11 episodes when Conan first became host. Then, I was present at a taping as an audience member. I caught one episode that a friend had Tivo'd on the most glorious, giant screen in the history of man, about midway through the run. Then I watched last night's final episode.

Two thoughts were going through my head as I watched the final Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien.

Why am I not watching my 24 Bluray?

And...

God, Late Night Talk Shows are lame.

Late Night Talks Shows are an outdated form of comedy. I suggest that they join the ranks of least entertaining comedy, a club they share with the CBS Sitcom and the TBS Show.

Watch any sitcom on CBS, whether it be Two and a Half Men, The New Adventures of Old Christine, or Big Bang Theory, and you will be transported back in time to the 1960s. The comedies on CBS seriously haven't evolved at all since the dawn of the sitcom. It's like they saw all the changes other networks have made over the years and intentionally ignored them.

Only on CBS will you find a complete comedy block of laugh track ridden sitcoms (I know most employ live audiences, but a live audience is no better than a laugh track), full of characters looking for love while making outdated sexual innuendos. Even though I hate The Office (US), at least it represents the fact that other networks have allowed the sitcom to evolve (though the fact that Parks and Rec and Modern Family are Office clones is very troubling). Honestly, the closest thing one can do to emulate traveling back in time is to watch a CBS comedy (until I finish my Time Machine). And, on CBS, if you're not watching a stale sitcom, you're watching a crime investigation show. Really, it's best never to tune into such a shitty network.

And TBS, well, one really doesn't have to say anything about TBS. Except that the choice of tagline "Very Funny" could not have been more poorly chosen.

I feel the Late Night Talk Show fits in the same camp as the CBS Sitcom. It is an incredibly outdated form of comedy that needs to be put down.

Leno isn't the only unfunny asshole in the bunch. Letterman, Fallon, Ferguson, and even Conan, are all guilty of holding the evolution of comedy hostage.

This was no more evident than Conan's clip show last night, highlighting the "best" moments of his Tonight Show run. Clips from lame sketches, clips involving "wacky" animals, clips of Conan goofing around on the Universal lot, and clips featuring "breath taking" stunts? Is this really all late night television can offer us?

I mean, seriously, in this day and age do we still need wacky and dangerous animals as guests? If you were to ask me, "What best represents the death of good television?" I just might say "Reality TV. And whenever an animal trainer is a guest on a late night show." I get it! They're animals! They're unpredictable! That bear COULD have ripped Conan apart (would have been far better TV if it had. And I wouldn't have to fearfully await ANOTHER new shitty late night talk show in 7 months.)!

 It's a boring formula. Host comes out, makes a few safe jokes about the day's news. The same jokes every other host will make that night. Then, a skit. Or something equally wacky. Maybe have bikes jumping off ramps (I can't believe something that lame made Conan's clip show) or attach Conan to a string and have him break stuff (again, super lame). Then, a guest. This is probably the only worthwhile part. But, even this is boring on a network Late Night Talk Show. No host ever asks a question that could possibly rub the guest the wrong way. No one asks anything interesting, it's just "Tell us again while you are so great? Pwetty pwease?" Then, second, B-List guest. End with a musical guest, that I never watch.

It's boring. It's not funny. Conan kept talking about how his Tonight Show was just about having fun on television. Maybe your staff was having fun, Mr. O'Brien, but I certainly wasn't.

Comedy should be about taking risks. If you're not risking alienating part of your audience, then you're not doing your job right, comedy writer.

Look at all the greatest Comedy shows of the last decade... South Park, Arrested Development, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 30 Rock, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart... all have pushed the envelop on what you can and can't joke about (some, more than others). And yes, I'm sure all have lost a few audience members along the way, because they were just too offended by something or another. But these shows are all the cream of the crop because they take the risks. Because they mess with the formula. They don't follow forty-year-old rules.

The Daily Show is most relevant to my point (the point being that the late night talk show is stale and shitty).  It IS the next evolution of the late night talk show. It takes the age old formula and fucks with it.

First, the host's monologue. Jon Stewart briefs us on the news, poking fun at how stupid politicians and "real" newscasters are. His humor is much more offensive, much more of an attack against stupid people, than you would find on a late night talk show.

Then, your skits. Instead of a poorly written sketch or lame "awe-inducing" stunt, Jon turns his correspondents loose for some Borat style humor. When faced with a naive newscaster, how will these real people stick their foot in their mouth? How will they reveal the ridiculousness of their own cause by talking with a newscaster who appears to agree with them, but is really mocking them?

Finally, the interview. This is where Mr. Stewart most sets himself apart from the network-late-night-drivel. Sure, I've never seen him outright tell an actor a clip from their movie sucked (though he's certainly hinted at it before...), but he does make the effort Leno, Letterman, Conan, Fallon, and Ferguson all fail to make. His interview with George Lucas is a great example of what he can do. To the best of my memory, he never asks "Why do the three new Star Wars suck so much?" but he comes pretty damn close. And whenever he has a politician on, it's an absolute dream! His arguments with John McCain are stuff of television legend...

 

Obviously, part of the difference is that Stewart has been granted the gift of cable while Conan and friends are chained down by Network standards. But, still... Arrested Development and 30 Rock could be funny and push the limit on Network... so why can't these late night knuckle heads?

One of my friends suggested that the point of a late night show isn't to make you laugh until your side's split. It's to amuse you until you fall asleep. He used Leno as an example, saying that Leno provides a few laughs, while making him sleepy. Should that ever be the point of comedy? To bore someone to sleep? Every comedy show, no matter what the hour, should strive to split one's sides (though not literally of course, that would be horrible!). I mean, really, who wants the job of writing jokes that put people to sleep?

Conan said last night that the Tonight Show is a job any comedian dreams of getting. I don't think so. Do you really think someone like Jon Stewart would be happy with the mediocrity the Tonight Show brings with it? His pay check would be bigger, sure, and his audience would double, but at what cost? His very soul?

I may not have the talent to be a comedian, but if I were presented with the choice to host the Tonight Show or be merely a correspondent on the Daily Show, I hope I would choose the latter (but who can say for sure, really?). Likewise, I would rather be a faceless writer on a groundbreaking sitcom than the face of outdated television.

In my own career, I consider the Daily Show the gold standard of TV Writing. My dream job, if I could write for ANY show on TV, it'd be the Daily Show.  Sure, I consider South Park and It's Always Sunny funnier shows, but the Daily Show is the golden standard of joke writing, four days a week.

Anyway, that's my perspective. In hindsight, I should have never watched Conan last night, because if I hadn't I surely would have written a less serious and hateful blog. But, I have nothing but hate for people who drag down television. And I hope that occasionally amusing you in other blog posts has earned me the right to simply present my boring thoughts from time to time.

I love you!

Preview on Top of a Preview For a Preview

It really seems of late that this blog has simply become an outlet where I rage against stupid decisions. Like my past two blogs (that's right, I did... er... write two blogs in the past two days. I just didn't post them on FBook because they weren't particularly good... I'm not saying that this one is... I just... I dunno... I'm posting a link on FBook, alright?! Jerk.) about the uncontrollable outrage I felt after Avatar won (bought?) the Golden Globe for Best Picture and the silliness of having all the characters on the Book of Eli posters where sunglasses. But I am okay with that, as there are plenty of stupid decisions to rage against.

Today I watched the Trailer for The A-Team. HERE. Pretty badass, right? I know I get sand in my vagina sometimes over these over the top action-thrill rides (I still don't know why the fuck John McClane surfed on a jet), but I'm totally on board with The A-Team. It just looks like a lot of fun.

You got Liam Neeson, the ultimate badass, being an ultimate badass by kicking ass and taking names... while chomping on a massive cigar. You got Bradley Cooper, who is pretty fly, kicking ass and stripping of his shirt (you know, so that the movie has a chance of hitting all four quadrants). You got Sharlto Copley, who is really the only thing I remember about District 9. And you got some dude impersonating Mr. T. Mix up that concoction (I totally tried to spell it concocktion) with some over the top special effects and you got yourself a movie (my biggest fear is that it comes from 20th Century Fox, who hasn't made a good movie in years.)!

So, I am stoked on The A-Team. I'm not complaining about that. Though I am a wee bit concerned it will overshadow The Losers, which is basically the same movie, without the name recognition. The Losers is a script I read about a dozen different drafts of when I worked at Weed Road. I won't say much about it as not to get my pants sued off (though that could get pretty sexy pretty fast).

Basically, The Losers are a military group that is framed for a debacle (what a fun word) and presumed dead by the US Military. In order to get their lives back they have to kill the man who set them up (who is a deliciously written villain that Jason Bateman almost played... I was so sad when he wasn't cast... it's perfectly written for him... or Jeremy Piven....). It's really a lot like A-Team. And Weed Road cast a lot of would-be stars before they were big, like the guy who played the Comedian in Watchman and the chick from Star Trek and Avatar. But the script was pretty good. So, hopefully there is room for both to succeed this summer in Hollywood.

Anyway, I'm not upset about the existence of The A-Team or The Losers. Both should make for a solid 2010 action slate.

I am upset with the lack of respect I am treated with when viewing movie trailers online.

It really has gone too far.

Whenever you view a trailer on joblo.com (my preferred site for movie news because sites like aintitcool.com don't report all the news and the site design looks sloppy) you have to watch a 30-second commercial first. Yes, you have to watch an advertisement so that you can watch an advertisement.

Gay.

And not in the cool way, like William Dafoe in Boondock Saints (Jesus, I accidentally typed Boondick Saints the first time... WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!?). I mean in the totally faggit way, like one who rides a motorcycle.

Fags...

But, I am used to this travesty of having to watch an advertisement to watch an advertisement (a real travesty, not like what's going on in Haiti). What happened today was totally.... so much more tragic.

On this new site, where I watched The A-Team Trailer, I was in the middle of enjoying a shirtless Bradley Cooper (if you can't beat them [and you can't cause it's a hate crime], join them...) when a second trailer started, simultaneously. And not in a different window. In the very same Window, slightly overlapping my A-Team Trailer. The audio was going and everything.

Why (no), why the fuck (that's better), would someone watching The A-Team trailer be interested in watching the trailer for Legion AT THE EXACT SAME TIME?!? (Sorry I internet shouted there, but it could not be helped). It makes no fucking sense! To quote Christian Bale, "That's fucking dis-tract-ing!"

I know Dennis Quaid is a brilliant actor, unmatched by all his peers, but if I'm at your website for The A-Team trailer, I probably want to watch the A-Team trailer. I can't imagine the number of people visiting your site who want to watch The A-Team trailer with the added audio from the Legion trailer are very high (though anyone who does want to watch this is probably very high).

 Plus, to add insult to injury, the trailer I had to watch with my A-Team trailer was the trailer for Legion! I can't think of a movie trailer out now that looks like a bigger pile of poop. A movie where angel's wield machine guns and old ladies crawl along the ceilings?  The executives who okay'ed that script were surely fired before filming was complete. I mean, Dennis Quaid can't save everything...

This does also bring me to one last point...

Has anyone else noticed how there are now previews for previews?

Like, Entertainment Tonight has a commercial with brief clips from a trailer and says "Tune in this Friday for premiere of the Avatard trailer..."

That just seems plain wrong. What is this world of ours coming to? If Avatard's success is not a sign of the impending Apocalypse, than this surely is...

 Maybe Angel's wielding machine guns are not so far fetched... Save us Dennis Quaid!

Nick's Fall 2009 TV Preview! Huzah!

This fall stands to be the most exciting in the history of Television!

Don't trust me?

Well...

Well...

Well, in all honesty I have no actual facts to back that statement up. All I have are my own opinions on what may "rock your metaphorical socks off" this fall. I'm personally planning on being "metaphorically barefoot" all fall. I hope my "metaphorical feet" don't get "cold"... if you know what I mean.

Wink, Wink.

Nudge, Nudge.

(I think I mean that I hope TV rocks as hard as I hope it will this fall, though, in all honesty, I kinda lost it there with that last metaphor and I'm not sure what I mean...)

What qualifies me to tell you what TV will be good this fall? Well, you tell me, sir or madam, because you're the one reading the blog.

First off, a note of clarification. Some shows on my list are considered "summer" shows and are not technically part of the fall line up. But honestly, what studio crack-head defines a show that starts in late August as a summer show? Most the run takes place in the fall! TV heads need to stop doing crack!

Without further-a-do-di-li-do, my countdown of 8, count 'em, 8 SHOWS NOT TO MISS THIS FALL, from mildly exciting to practically arousing in excitement levels...


8. 30 ROCK - Season 4 - TBA - The best show on Network TV (only good show left on the networks?). The whole cast is hilarious and the writing is sharp as a tack (don't step on it with your metaphorical bare feet [not that metaphorical socks would be of any help...]). My only reservation is that last season was real hit or miss. Some episodes were great! :) <-- Smiley face! But others were lacking. :( <-- Frowny face! I never even finished the season, though I will when it hits DVD.


7. CALIFORNICATION - Season 3 - September 27th - Really loved the first season. David Duchovny is the shit and the first season had a really well crafted, complete arc with beginning, middle, and end. It was practically a self contained series in itself. I still have yet to watch Season 2, but assuming it's half as good as Season 1, I will be watching Season 3! So, let's pretend I've seen Season 2 and it was half as good as Season 1 when I say this, "Watch Season 3!" (Whew! All those numbers were beginning to get confusing. I'm a doctor! Not a mathematician!)


6. PSYCH - Season 4 - On Now! - PSYCH is just good, clean, fun. Easily the most appropriate show I watch, PSYCH amuses with fantastic characters (prime example of USA's "Characters wanted" creed) and great 80s references. Its a fun twist on an incredibly tired genre (like we really need more straight forward crime shows). It's the show so nice they made it twice (MENTALIST is a blatant rip off of PSYCH).

5. SOUTH PARK - Season 13 (part 2) - October - I'm as surprised as you are that this gem doesn't rank even higher on my list. It barely made the top 5!

-- Interesting note, it was last on my list (as in, show I was least excited for) but in writing about it I looked at the previous episodes from the last half of season 13. Turns out, it's actually one of the strongest half seasons ever, with classic eps I loved including "THE RING" with Mickey Mouse flipping his lid, "THE COON", "MAGARITAVILLE" which explained the economy to me, "EAT, PRAY, QUEEF", "FISHSTICKS" where Kayne West wasn't no Gay Fish, "PINEWOOD DERBY", and "FATBEARD" which ended the run the same way Obama ended those pirates. Do yourself a favor and watch the whole season now using those links. With the economy the way it is, you have nothing better to do. --

So, originally I wrote a rant about how I wasn't that excited, but its been scraped. All I can say now is that the 2nd half of Season 13 holds as much promise for SOUTH PARK as ever. The only reason SP isn't number one on my list is that it has been on for 13 years, so the shows I've ranked about it simply feel fresher.


4. BORED TO DEATH - Season 1 - September 20th - Whaaa? A brand new show? What is this show?

Here's what it is...

A new HBO Comedy (can I even count it on this list? After all, it's not TV, it's HBO. Right?)! It stars two of my favorite actors, Jason Schwartzman and Zach Galifianakis (neither of whom have nearly enough projects), and Ted Dansen who has proven himself by playing... er... himself on CURB. BORED TO DEATH has a definite promise for extreme comedy. The premise is even awesome; a writer turns private detective after posting a Craig's List ad... well... advertising himself as such. Skrillin'!


3. MAD MEN - Season 3 - August 16th - Yes, MAD MEN is as good as critics claim. And yes, you are a fool for not watching it (I apologize if you are one of the two people who I know watches it. You're not a fool.). To the rest of you, no aplogogies. I don't normally watch dramas (the only one I've really watched is 24, but thats more action show than actual drama) because they're all the same stupid crime or medical show format, but MAD MEN is fantastic. Really, its the ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT of dramas, and if you know me, you know what a crazy statement that is for me to make.

And I ain't gay, but DON DRAPER aka Jon Hamm is quite possibly the best looking man on the planet. (Sorry Brad Pitt.) And He sure can sell Ham!


2. IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - Season 5 - September 17th - After their best season yet, the gang's back for new hijinks and betrayels. Season 4 surpassed all my expectations with a sequel to my favorite SUNNY episode ever ("MAC BANGS DENNIS' MOM") in "MAC BANGS THE WAITRESS" and a Dayman musical in "THE NIGHTMAN COMETH" (which I will be seeing live in LA in September!). Season 5 is already responsible for the funniest clip on TV this year so I expect nothing but greatness when SUNNY finally returns in a month.


1. CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM - Larry David is quite possibly the funniest writer/actor alive today. SEINFELD is amazing and the last 6 seasons of CURB are utterly (moo) sublime. It's kind of embarrassing as a writer to admit that the best thing on TV (where did I land with that? Is it TV or is it HBO? Can it be that HBO IS TV because HBO is on TV?) is adlibbed. This season has the possibility of being the best yet, as the entire cast of SEINFELD reunites to do a SEINFELD reunion (more than half of which is actually included in an episode!). We'll finally get to see what happened to Jerry, George, Elaine and the racist after (if?) they got out of prison. In this season's arc, Larry gets convinced to do something his "real life" (who is more real, "real life Larry" or "TV Larry?") counterpart would never do, write the reuinion ep. Extreme promise for comedy as it'll make for a melding of two of my top 5 shows ever, CURB and SEINFELD! This will be one not to miss!

Best moment of HBO (can't call it TV) ever!


Anyways, there's 8 reasons why you won't be seeing me this fall. So don't ask where I've been!

Proving I'm not Racist.

So I had an unfortunate... incident... last week.

Involving racism.

My own racism.

It was, you know, one of them unfortunate incidents that makes you reexamine everything about yourself, causing you to doubt who you are, put a Colt Detective Special in your mouth, and pussy out before you can pull the mutha' fuckin' trigger (like Riggs. It's ironic really, the whole gun in the mouth incident was what convinced me I had something left to live for because I realized I was like Mel Gibson and I thought that was really swell. Then I realized being like Mel meant that I was racist again, causing me to doubt who I was and reinsert the gun which made me happy because I again was able to compare myself to Mel Gibson by way of Martin Riggs. It was a confusing and unending cycle that lasted for hours and eventually prevented me from killing myself because I eventually fell asleep). We've all had moments like that.

But I digress. Here's the incident...

I was in my Seminar in TV Writing class, where we write spec scripts and what not, just kidding ourselves, pretending to be filmmakers before we hit the cruel, real world where an ordinary business man won't give a second thought to raping you in the ass (it's hard being a man with the threat of anal rape in Obama's America).

Anyway, I was in this class where someone was pitching a SOUTH PARK script. Her script was a little flat with no real point, and I was explaining that even when South Park appears to be about something of little insignificant it's usually actually about some bigger important event or message. Whatever the boys are involved in is usually a metaphor for something bigger and more important. And then came my fucking stupid, accidentally racist comment...

"You know, like maybe you think an episode is just about poop, and in the end it's really about... about...I don't know... a black president."

Jesus-titty-fucking-Christ. I had just accidentally compared a piece of poop to President Barack Obama. On the surface, that's pretty bad, but when you begin to analyze that comparison it is much worse. My accidentally racist comment was clever enough that I equated the color of skin to the color of poop. I had effectively called black people poop.

I was going to put a picture of poop here, but the images that come up when you do a google image search of poop are just too disgusting. So, instead, I included a picture of someone who is about as a talented as a pice of poop.

Aye caramba.

There is a black guy in the class (African American? Does saying Black make me more racist? Does worrying about the terminology make me even more racist? Yes, until I explain my way out of it all at the end). He had been the one to react first with a nervous laugh (the rest the class followed). The teacher, my favorite teacher, who knows me pretty well, kinda covered for me, saying that that one "got away from me. "

I began to worry, do I apologize to the black (African American?) student? I'd be singling him out as the only black student... Is that even worse? Is the fact I even notice he's black make me even more racist (I hadn't noticed he was black till after he was the first to nervously laugh, to be fair. I swear!). I decided the best plan of action was to ignore the whole thing happened, as did the rest of the class (I was a little more friendly to the black student, laughing at more of his jokes and what-not. God Damn, I'm racist). But you know they were all thinking, my teacher included, "Holy Shit, Nick is a mutha' fuckin' racist piece of shit! That explains that unexplainable feeling of disgust I had toward him ever since I first met him."

I didn't think a whole lot about it that class period, comfortable that I was not racist because I had never intentionally said anything racist. For fuck's sake I voted for Obama! The man is half-black!

Barack Obama: Every White Person's Proof that they are not Racist since 2006

That night though, the seriousness of the situation really set in. The fact that it was an accident makes me MORE racist. That means I'm thinking racist, subconsciously. I mean, some Southern blowhard just says racist things cause it's "cool" as he sucks down his Virginia Slims (also "cool") before he sucks his buddies dick/penis/cock (super "cool" down South, or so Billy Bob's best buddy Billy Joe claimed that one faithful night that changed their friendship forever). To be intentionally racist doesn't mean you are racist, it just means you're trying to keep up an image. To act all cool, "I love black people. I voted for mutha' fuckin' Barack Obama, bitch!" and then think racist thoughts deep down in the very soul of you makes you very, very racist.

Virginia Slims will make you "8O's cool."

So I came to conclusion that I was very, very racist, which lead me to the Martin Rigg's Colt Detective Special moment already touched on.

And then a few days later... came salvation!

I was in the grocery parking lot, just having narrowly avoided a car accident when I realized I also hate Asian people.

You may be saying, "Nick, how does hating Asian people make you NOT Racist? If anything, that makes you MORE Racist."

"Aha!" I say, let me explain further.

"Alright," you say, "But I'm still not convinced. This better not be a fucking waste of my time."

Anyway, before you so rudely interrupted...

I realized I hate Asians. Then I began to really think about all the different races and ethnicitys and nationalities...

I realized I also hate Mexicans. And Jews. And Arabs. And Indians (which are technically Asian when you think about it). And Native Americans (which are sometimes called Indians, which I guess would make them technically Asian as well). And every other race you can think of.

I even hate Whites. I hate them soooo much!

Ta Da! Salvation!

I realized in that moment that redefined who I was, that I don't hate Black People! I HATE PEOPLE (which I guess actually DOES include hating Black People, but I'm not singling anyone out is the point). I hate all people of all shapes, religions, colors, and intelligence levels. Hating everyone EQUALLY keeps me from being a racist.

This is what America is all about. Equality. And by hating everyone, I am not only not racist, but I am also more American.

So, sure I compare a black person to poop. I would compare a white person to bird shit mixed with ejaculate.

So by hating everyone, I keep myself in the clear. Postponing thoughts of suicide for a few more days...

Huzah!

I still wounld't date a black chick though cause they're just not attractive.