William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy: The Masterworks

The fact that they are two of the most recognizable faces in science fiction is not all William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy share in common; they have also both led incredibly misguided music careers. We're talking Bruce-Willis-Return-Of-Bruno-Seagram's-Golden-Wine-Coolers misguided (<-- Yes, sir. That is a link).

I'm sure everyone who reads this blog is already aware of Shatner's  infamous turn as a singer. He is practically as famous for his "inspired" retelling of Rocket Man as he is for commanding The U.S.S. Enterprise. His "interpretation" of classic songs is beyond legendary (though "ass rape" maybe be a more apt description than "interpretation."). If you ever wanted to hear a beloved classic in spoken word form, with questionable choice in delivery, Shatner is the only man for the job.

 

This is something one would expect from Shatner. It is a mystery why Mr. Nimoy would have soiled his career with his album, LEONARD NIMOY PRESENTS MR. SPOCK'S MUSIC FROM OUTER SPACE. Nimoy, at one point in his career, hated his constant association with the character Spock, even writing the autobiography "I Am Not Spock" (that he followed up with "I Am Spock" [I am sorry if any of my facts are wrong {though I don't think they are} but I refuse to take the time to check them. And I don't need to, because I assume I know more than you.].). Nimoy's music is closer than Shatner's to being just that, music. Meaning he actually makes the attempt to sing, rather than simply talking at you (though he does sing the Midnight Cowboy classic, "Everybody's Talkin'"). 

In this blog I outline the best of the worst, the songs that really are too hilarious to miss. I listen to all the Nimoy Shat so you don't have to! I am such a great guy that I even include links so that you can listen to these polished turds yourself. Enjoy! Some are too ridiculous to believe. Listening to these songs was the most hilarious thing to happen to me all last week (since Conan and 30 Rock certainly didn't seem to be trying very hard).

Rocket Man - William Shatner
I start with the classic you have all hopefully seen. If you haven't seen this yet, you are in for the highlight of your 2010. Possibly the greatest award show moment ever (No, definitely the greatest award show moment ever). Click the link above!

Highlights:
"I'm gonna be... high..................... as a kite by then." Pair this with a long drag on a "cigarette" and Shat's inpiration is clear. Also, features dueling Shats! They practically converse:
Shat 1: "Mars is no place to raise a kid."
Shat 2: "In fact, it's cold as hell."
A little twist on the line, "A Rocket, man."
And finally, three Shats! "I'm...a...rock...et...man!" Once dances, one stands stiff, and the original continues to puff away on that cig. Epic.
I can't imagine what it would have been like in that audience. I would have lost it for sure and ruined the broadcast. I know I still cackle away in my room every time I watch it.

Highly Illogical - Leonard Nimoy
This song is just a gem, through and through. Kinda catchy 60's beat, even. Spock comments on everything he finds illogical... in song. I guess the most illogical thing would be not to express his thoughts through song.

Highlights:
After singing about how illogical relationships, jobs, and cars are, Spock... er... Nimoy comments, "Well, there goes the neighborhood" when referring to man's space travel capabilities. What a racist Vulcan!

 

Mr. Tambourine Man - William Shatner
Wow. Just, wow. Again, super questionable "interpretation" (aka "ass raping") of a classic song. It's like his "character" is being driven made by the Tambourine Man. When Shat's not confused, he's angry!

Highlights: The delivery of, "In the jingle...gangle... morning" could not be more perfect. Also, gotta love the way he shouts his final line, "MR. TAMBOURINE MAN!"

If I Had a Hammer - Leonard Nimoy
A cover of a Peter, Paul, and Mary Song, about Hammering and Ringing Bells.

Highlights: After singing the song, Nimoy goes America all over our asses. The song seemlessly transistions into the tune of "America the Beautiful" and Nimoy states, "Well, I have a hammer. And I have a bell. And I have a song, a song to sing all over this land. It's the hammer of justice. It's the bell of freedom. And the song, is the song, of love. Love between all of my brothers. And Love between all of my sisters. All over this land." So patriotic it burns when I pee.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds - William Shatner 
Who sings The Beatles better than the Beatles? William Shatner, of course! 

Highlights: The following delivery has to be heard to truly be believed, "Picture yourself... in a boat!... On a river! With tangerine trees! And Marmalade skies! Somebody calls you and you answer... quite slowly... A GIRL! With kolidascope eyes!" He honestly sounds like he is in such wonder, like he is really seeing everything he describes. "Marshmellow pies!"

A Visit to a Sad Planet - Leonard Nimoy
Radioactive dust? A holocaust? Stardate: Depressing.

Highlights: Spoiler alert! The planet was Earth all along! Goddamn you! You damn, dirty Nimoy!

Common People - William Shatner
I honestly can't believe even Shatner can be this stupid. But that's why the man is legend!

Highlights: Why even bother?

The Balled of Bilbo Baggins - Leonard Nimoy
Ever wanted to hear the plot of The Hobbit retold by Spock... in song? You're a fucking liar. Of course you did!

Highlights: The video rocks. But really, the existence of this song is a highlight on it's own, as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, that's really all I can bare to unleash on you while keeping a clean conscience. Really though, the inclusions of these songs alone have made this the most hilarious blog I have ever gifted you with. Thank you unintentionally funny Nimoy and Shat!

Halting the Evolution of Comedy

I watched Conan's last Tonight Show last night. It was the 14th Episode of the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien I watched... ever. I watched the first 11 episodes when Conan first became host. Then, I was present at a taping as an audience member. I caught one episode that a friend had Tivo'd on the most glorious, giant screen in the history of man, about midway through the run. Then I watched last night's final episode.

Two thoughts were going through my head as I watched the final Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien.

Why am I not watching my 24 Bluray?

And...

God, Late Night Talk Shows are lame.

Late Night Talks Shows are an outdated form of comedy. I suggest that they join the ranks of least entertaining comedy, a club they share with the CBS Sitcom and the TBS Show.

Watch any sitcom on CBS, whether it be Two and a Half Men, The New Adventures of Old Christine, or Big Bang Theory, and you will be transported back in time to the 1960s. The comedies on CBS seriously haven't evolved at all since the dawn of the sitcom. It's like they saw all the changes other networks have made over the years and intentionally ignored them.

Only on CBS will you find a complete comedy block of laugh track ridden sitcoms (I know most employ live audiences, but a live audience is no better than a laugh track), full of characters looking for love while making outdated sexual innuendos. Even though I hate The Office (US), at least it represents the fact that other networks have allowed the sitcom to evolve (though the fact that Parks and Rec and Modern Family are Office clones is very troubling). Honestly, the closest thing one can do to emulate traveling back in time is to watch a CBS comedy (until I finish my Time Machine). And, on CBS, if you're not watching a stale sitcom, you're watching a crime investigation show. Really, it's best never to tune into such a shitty network.

And TBS, well, one really doesn't have to say anything about TBS. Except that the choice of tagline "Very Funny" could not have been more poorly chosen.

I feel the Late Night Talk Show fits in the same camp as the CBS Sitcom. It is an incredibly outdated form of comedy that needs to be put down.

Leno isn't the only unfunny asshole in the bunch. Letterman, Fallon, Ferguson, and even Conan, are all guilty of holding the evolution of comedy hostage.

This was no more evident than Conan's clip show last night, highlighting the "best" moments of his Tonight Show run. Clips from lame sketches, clips involving "wacky" animals, clips of Conan goofing around on the Universal lot, and clips featuring "breath taking" stunts? Is this really all late night television can offer us?

I mean, seriously, in this day and age do we still need wacky and dangerous animals as guests? If you were to ask me, "What best represents the death of good television?" I just might say "Reality TV. And whenever an animal trainer is a guest on a late night show." I get it! They're animals! They're unpredictable! That bear COULD have ripped Conan apart (would have been far better TV if it had. And I wouldn't have to fearfully await ANOTHER new shitty late night talk show in 7 months.)!

 It's a boring formula. Host comes out, makes a few safe jokes about the day's news. The same jokes every other host will make that night. Then, a skit. Or something equally wacky. Maybe have bikes jumping off ramps (I can't believe something that lame made Conan's clip show) or attach Conan to a string and have him break stuff (again, super lame). Then, a guest. This is probably the only worthwhile part. But, even this is boring on a network Late Night Talk Show. No host ever asks a question that could possibly rub the guest the wrong way. No one asks anything interesting, it's just "Tell us again while you are so great? Pwetty pwease?" Then, second, B-List guest. End with a musical guest, that I never watch.

It's boring. It's not funny. Conan kept talking about how his Tonight Show was just about having fun on television. Maybe your staff was having fun, Mr. O'Brien, but I certainly wasn't.

Comedy should be about taking risks. If you're not risking alienating part of your audience, then you're not doing your job right, comedy writer.

Look at all the greatest Comedy shows of the last decade... South Park, Arrested Development, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 30 Rock, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart... all have pushed the envelop on what you can and can't joke about (some, more than others). And yes, I'm sure all have lost a few audience members along the way, because they were just too offended by something or another. But these shows are all the cream of the crop because they take the risks. Because they mess with the formula. They don't follow forty-year-old rules.

The Daily Show is most relevant to my point (the point being that the late night talk show is stale and shitty).  It IS the next evolution of the late night talk show. It takes the age old formula and fucks with it.

First, the host's monologue. Jon Stewart briefs us on the news, poking fun at how stupid politicians and "real" newscasters are. His humor is much more offensive, much more of an attack against stupid people, than you would find on a late night talk show.

Then, your skits. Instead of a poorly written sketch or lame "awe-inducing" stunt, Jon turns his correspondents loose for some Borat style humor. When faced with a naive newscaster, how will these real people stick their foot in their mouth? How will they reveal the ridiculousness of their own cause by talking with a newscaster who appears to agree with them, but is really mocking them?

Finally, the interview. This is where Mr. Stewart most sets himself apart from the network-late-night-drivel. Sure, I've never seen him outright tell an actor a clip from their movie sucked (though he's certainly hinted at it before...), but he does make the effort Leno, Letterman, Conan, Fallon, and Ferguson all fail to make. His interview with George Lucas is a great example of what he can do. To the best of my memory, he never asks "Why do the three new Star Wars suck so much?" but he comes pretty damn close. And whenever he has a politician on, it's an absolute dream! His arguments with John McCain are stuff of television legend...

 

Obviously, part of the difference is that Stewart has been granted the gift of cable while Conan and friends are chained down by Network standards. But, still... Arrested Development and 30 Rock could be funny and push the limit on Network... so why can't these late night knuckle heads?

One of my friends suggested that the point of a late night show isn't to make you laugh until your side's split. It's to amuse you until you fall asleep. He used Leno as an example, saying that Leno provides a few laughs, while making him sleepy. Should that ever be the point of comedy? To bore someone to sleep? Every comedy show, no matter what the hour, should strive to split one's sides (though not literally of course, that would be horrible!). I mean, really, who wants the job of writing jokes that put people to sleep?

Conan said last night that the Tonight Show is a job any comedian dreams of getting. I don't think so. Do you really think someone like Jon Stewart would be happy with the mediocrity the Tonight Show brings with it? His pay check would be bigger, sure, and his audience would double, but at what cost? His very soul?

I may not have the talent to be a comedian, but if I were presented with the choice to host the Tonight Show or be merely a correspondent on the Daily Show, I hope I would choose the latter (but who can say for sure, really?). Likewise, I would rather be a faceless writer on a groundbreaking sitcom than the face of outdated television.

In my own career, I consider the Daily Show the gold standard of TV Writing. My dream job, if I could write for ANY show on TV, it'd be the Daily Show.  Sure, I consider South Park and It's Always Sunny funnier shows, but the Daily Show is the golden standard of joke writing, four days a week.

Anyway, that's my perspective. In hindsight, I should have never watched Conan last night, because if I hadn't I surely would have written a less serious and hateful blog. But, I have nothing but hate for people who drag down television. And I hope that occasionally amusing you in other blog posts has earned me the right to simply present my boring thoughts from time to time.

I love you!