Halting the Evolution of Comedy

I watched Conan's last Tonight Show last night. It was the 14th Episode of the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien I watched... ever. I watched the first 11 episodes when Conan first became host. Then, I was present at a taping as an audience member. I caught one episode that a friend had Tivo'd on the most glorious, giant screen in the history of man, about midway through the run. Then I watched last night's final episode.

Two thoughts were going through my head as I watched the final Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien.

Why am I not watching my 24 Bluray?

And...

God, Late Night Talk Shows are lame.

Late Night Talks Shows are an outdated form of comedy. I suggest that they join the ranks of least entertaining comedy, a club they share with the CBS Sitcom and the TBS Show.

Watch any sitcom on CBS, whether it be Two and a Half Men, The New Adventures of Old Christine, or Big Bang Theory, and you will be transported back in time to the 1960s. The comedies on CBS seriously haven't evolved at all since the dawn of the sitcom. It's like they saw all the changes other networks have made over the years and intentionally ignored them.

Only on CBS will you find a complete comedy block of laugh track ridden sitcoms (I know most employ live audiences, but a live audience is no better than a laugh track), full of characters looking for love while making outdated sexual innuendos. Even though I hate The Office (US), at least it represents the fact that other networks have allowed the sitcom to evolve (though the fact that Parks and Rec and Modern Family are Office clones is very troubling). Honestly, the closest thing one can do to emulate traveling back in time is to watch a CBS comedy (until I finish my Time Machine). And, on CBS, if you're not watching a stale sitcom, you're watching a crime investigation show. Really, it's best never to tune into such a shitty network.

And TBS, well, one really doesn't have to say anything about TBS. Except that the choice of tagline "Very Funny" could not have been more poorly chosen.

I feel the Late Night Talk Show fits in the same camp as the CBS Sitcom. It is an incredibly outdated form of comedy that needs to be put down.

Leno isn't the only unfunny asshole in the bunch. Letterman, Fallon, Ferguson, and even Conan, are all guilty of holding the evolution of comedy hostage.

This was no more evident than Conan's clip show last night, highlighting the "best" moments of his Tonight Show run. Clips from lame sketches, clips involving "wacky" animals, clips of Conan goofing around on the Universal lot, and clips featuring "breath taking" stunts? Is this really all late night television can offer us?

I mean, seriously, in this day and age do we still need wacky and dangerous animals as guests? If you were to ask me, "What best represents the death of good television?" I just might say "Reality TV. And whenever an animal trainer is a guest on a late night show." I get it! They're animals! They're unpredictable! That bear COULD have ripped Conan apart (would have been far better TV if it had. And I wouldn't have to fearfully await ANOTHER new shitty late night talk show in 7 months.)!

 It's a boring formula. Host comes out, makes a few safe jokes about the day's news. The same jokes every other host will make that night. Then, a skit. Or something equally wacky. Maybe have bikes jumping off ramps (I can't believe something that lame made Conan's clip show) or attach Conan to a string and have him break stuff (again, super lame). Then, a guest. This is probably the only worthwhile part. But, even this is boring on a network Late Night Talk Show. No host ever asks a question that could possibly rub the guest the wrong way. No one asks anything interesting, it's just "Tell us again while you are so great? Pwetty pwease?" Then, second, B-List guest. End with a musical guest, that I never watch.

It's boring. It's not funny. Conan kept talking about how his Tonight Show was just about having fun on television. Maybe your staff was having fun, Mr. O'Brien, but I certainly wasn't.

Comedy should be about taking risks. If you're not risking alienating part of your audience, then you're not doing your job right, comedy writer.

Look at all the greatest Comedy shows of the last decade... South Park, Arrested Development, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 30 Rock, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart... all have pushed the envelop on what you can and can't joke about (some, more than others). And yes, I'm sure all have lost a few audience members along the way, because they were just too offended by something or another. But these shows are all the cream of the crop because they take the risks. Because they mess with the formula. They don't follow forty-year-old rules.

The Daily Show is most relevant to my point (the point being that the late night talk show is stale and shitty).  It IS the next evolution of the late night talk show. It takes the age old formula and fucks with it.

First, the host's monologue. Jon Stewart briefs us on the news, poking fun at how stupid politicians and "real" newscasters are. His humor is much more offensive, much more of an attack against stupid people, than you would find on a late night talk show.

Then, your skits. Instead of a poorly written sketch or lame "awe-inducing" stunt, Jon turns his correspondents loose for some Borat style humor. When faced with a naive newscaster, how will these real people stick their foot in their mouth? How will they reveal the ridiculousness of their own cause by talking with a newscaster who appears to agree with them, but is really mocking them?

Finally, the interview. This is where Mr. Stewart most sets himself apart from the network-late-night-drivel. Sure, I've never seen him outright tell an actor a clip from their movie sucked (though he's certainly hinted at it before...), but he does make the effort Leno, Letterman, Conan, Fallon, and Ferguson all fail to make. His interview with George Lucas is a great example of what he can do. To the best of my memory, he never asks "Why do the three new Star Wars suck so much?" but he comes pretty damn close. And whenever he has a politician on, it's an absolute dream! His arguments with John McCain are stuff of television legend...

 

Obviously, part of the difference is that Stewart has been granted the gift of cable while Conan and friends are chained down by Network standards. But, still... Arrested Development and 30 Rock could be funny and push the limit on Network... so why can't these late night knuckle heads?

One of my friends suggested that the point of a late night show isn't to make you laugh until your side's split. It's to amuse you until you fall asleep. He used Leno as an example, saying that Leno provides a few laughs, while making him sleepy. Should that ever be the point of comedy? To bore someone to sleep? Every comedy show, no matter what the hour, should strive to split one's sides (though not literally of course, that would be horrible!). I mean, really, who wants the job of writing jokes that put people to sleep?

Conan said last night that the Tonight Show is a job any comedian dreams of getting. I don't think so. Do you really think someone like Jon Stewart would be happy with the mediocrity the Tonight Show brings with it? His pay check would be bigger, sure, and his audience would double, but at what cost? His very soul?

I may not have the talent to be a comedian, but if I were presented with the choice to host the Tonight Show or be merely a correspondent on the Daily Show, I hope I would choose the latter (but who can say for sure, really?). Likewise, I would rather be a faceless writer on a groundbreaking sitcom than the face of outdated television.

In my own career, I consider the Daily Show the gold standard of TV Writing. My dream job, if I could write for ANY show on TV, it'd be the Daily Show.  Sure, I consider South Park and It's Always Sunny funnier shows, but the Daily Show is the golden standard of joke writing, four days a week.

Anyway, that's my perspective. In hindsight, I should have never watched Conan last night, because if I hadn't I surely would have written a less serious and hateful blog. But, I have nothing but hate for people who drag down television. And I hope that occasionally amusing you in other blog posts has earned me the right to simply present my boring thoughts from time to time.

I love you!

Bringing Change (Change I didn't even promise!)

That's right, ladies and gentlemen.

Not one day on the job and I have brought Change to the 3rd floor as King of DVD/Bluray Land. CHANGE! (And not simply the change I deliver to the visitors to DVD/Bluray Land when they purchase my subjects as slaves, using cash money.)

Today I was shown the ropes. All the duties I would be preforming as King (also known as not-actually-a-lead DVD/Music lead).

My first act (after learning said duties) was bringing Change to the third floor. Horrible, horrible, change.

It wasn't even my idea. It was God's (also known as the third floor manager). God spoke down upon me, saying, "Perhaps we should move the Blurays."

You see, all has not been well in DVD/Bluray Land. All the Bluray people have been held prisoner, kept captive behind the counter. This is for two reasons. Because there is not enough space in the rest of my moderately-sized kingdom for them to live and because it keeps them away from the Vikings that enter our store, stealing and raping the more expensive peoples... like the Bluray race.

Today, God said down unto me, that perhaps we could move the Bluray people out into the kingdom, freeing them from their prison behind mine royal counter (That is not a typo. By saying "Mine" instead of "My" it simply sounds more royal, don't yine think [again, Yine sounds more royal than mine, don't yine think?]?).

He said that, perhaps the people of Bluray would be more easily sold as slaves if they were more easily browsed out in the kingdom. And rightfully so. It is hard to pick a good slave from over a counter. Especially if you are not sure which slave you have come for and you simply wish to browse slaves.

Yes. Such Change I would bring to the people. My first day, and I am vowing to close down a prison! Always a smart decision for a ruler to make.

Alas, the prison could not be closed (Who saw that coming? Not my nonexistant advisers! That's for sure!). Because, in order to free the Bluray people, other people would have to take their place. Fore there is simply not enough space in the kingdom unless some subjects are kept in prison (wouldn't that be a nice reversal, California?).

Who better than the DVD people of the Health/Fitness and Music/Performance tribes? Because who the fuck goes to Barnes and Noble to buy a workout DVD or a DVD of Madonna's latest concert?

So, like Jean Luc Picard, I made it so!

We began the great exodus. A moving of peoples. First, we had to shift the DVD tribes of Health/Fitness and Music/Performance out of their homes. Needless to say, it went much smoother than the events of District 9.

Such Change required all the tribes of the DVD people be relocated. All must loose the homes they resided for generations for the greater good. I am such a mighty king that the suffering of my people does not cause me to loose sight of this greater good.

For you see, the people of Bluray were to be located to the left side of the oval that is the kingdom of DVD/Bluray Land. For it is here that they can be most easily watched by their divine ruler, so that Vikings do not pillage and rape them (some Vikings do have penis [Penises? Peni?] of such a small sized that they literally can have sex with a Bluray, though the results ain't pretty! Trust me on that one [I love Blurays soooo much {And with that little joke, I have finally crossed the invisible, arbitrary line of what is acceptable and what goes too far}!]!).

The right side of the kingdom, where the Tribes of Health/Fitness and Music/Performance tribes lived for generation upon generation, are in a blind spot where I cannot protect my peoples (because honestly, who would steal this garbage?). So they were moved out and all other tribes were shifted right to make room for the people of Bluray! For they are my chosen people! Who I love above all else (I would make a great God...[aka Manager...])!

So, I brought great Change to today!

Great Change that I could not complete....

So, tomorrow, either the Change is done when I arrive or I must complete it! But at least Change has begun!

And for someone who never promised to bring Change at all, that ain't half bad.

Pardon My Internet Speak, But WTF, Life!?!

Shit. I was going to write a blog about a lady who came in and complained that the religious section was too small at my Barnes and Noble store. I was going to comment on how our religious section is actually huuuuge (unless you are a religious nut, apparently), spanning like 3 isles of double sided bookshelves. The Christian part alone is like two complete isles... and she was totes Christian! Our Humor section is literally 1/6 the size, being only the single side of a bookshelf. Shelves upon shelves for God and only room for several copies of Jon Stewart's book? What kind of God would allow this atrocity to take place?

That would have made a damn fine blog, if I do say so myself. And I do... say so... myself. But, life has a way of getting in the way (Jesus H. Christ [see, I can be as religious as the next guy], that sounds like a shitty logline from a shittily titled movie like It's Complicated [maybe I should have named this blog, It's Complicated!... cause it is. Because everything fucking is! Which is why that is the shittiest title in the history of shitty titles! {Besides Everything's Fine, which is much, much worse. Because if Everything's Fine, why the fuck am I watching this movie?}!]!)!

So, life through me two pitches, nice and slow, right over the plate. I mean, these are both pitches that ordinarily, I would be thrilled to receive, cause they would both be home runs! But, because said pitches were both thrown at the exact same time, they became a single curve ball that [INSERT NAME OF FAMOUS BASEBALL PLAYER WHO IS A GREAT HITTER HERE] himself could not hit. Don't ask me how two great pitches became one horrifying curve ball, that's simply how the game of baseball works. Which I don't understand (see, I'm so confused I am making baseball metaphors! Baseball metaphors!).

This guy looks famous enough. Even HE could not hit this curveball.

The first sweet bit of news, that, had it come on any other day, I would have been so fucking stoked to receive (and I am still pretty pleased with). As you know, I have been working at Barnes and Noble these past 3 or so months. I was hired on a seasonal hire, simply extra help with the added Christmas crowds. But, even at my interview, the chance of being kept on was mentioned. So I have worked toward this (being kept on past Jan. 31st, I mean). Because, I want to have an income, even if it is part time. And, I really do enjoy working at Barnes and Noble, as much as one can enjoy a job that is not screenwriting (my dream job). Hell, I've spent the last 2 months primarily on the 3rd floor, which at my B&N is DVD/Bluray land. All the movies reside here. My DVD/Bluray collection being my greatest pride in this world, there is no retail position I would rather work than a DVD/Bluray department.

So, the news. Today, my manager Nick (no relation), who you know from the Star Trek: Nemesis deleted scene (I knew I would work in Star Trek somehow), has news for me. He tells me that not only do they want to keep me on, they want to make me DVD lead! Meaning, I am in charge of the 3rd floor (under the 3rd floor manager of course). I would be king of the DVDs/Blurays! KING!

Sure, there is no extra pay because B&N is only allowed to officially hire a lead for a department if the department meets a certain quota ours does not... but it's still a great "promotion." I get more regular hours, even in slow weeks, I am in a great position to become an actual lead in a few months (which would mean more money and hours, as I understand it) and, who knows, eventually a manager in the distant future, and I control the department. Which, mainly means I get to present it how I like. That's right, I control the displays and presentation of DVD/Bluray land. Pretty freaking sweet. Nerdgasm.

I have never been "promoted" (even if it's not pay wise) based on merit before! The last time I got promoted was when the federal minimum wage went up (which is not a joke. That is fact. Which is very, very sad). Unless you count moving from an unpaid internship with no perks to an unpaid internship where lunch is free everyday (which I don't). Because I once did that too (what an exciting life I lead)! So, I did feel super stoked to get promoted. And super excited at what this news could mean for the near future.

But apparently good news comes in twos. Twos that contradict each other and make me confused and stressed out.

Okay, so, even though it is not common knowledge, I have been up to something even the US government can not muster, my exit strategy (har-dee-har-har). Yes, fed up with unpaid internships and the promise of years of Hollywood bitch work, I have been planning to move to a cheaper locale than LA to work retail while I continue to write. Support myself on a retail salary in a place where rent is $500 cheaper a month than LA. Because, if I'm going to work retail, what am I doing in LA?

So, I had it all figured out. All I had to do was get someone to fill my seat hole. Someone to sublet my apartment until the lease ends around May 23rd, or what-have-you. And, I was far into this process as well, whether you knew about my exit strategy or not. I cleaned the shit out of my bathroom, room, and kitchen, to levels I actually find insanitary because they are TOO clean. And my roommate showed the apartment tonight.

So, guess what the news is? The person she showed it too loved the place and wants to move in ASAP. I could be out of LA by Feb. 1st, which was my best case scenario.

So, today, life gave me two things I wanted. But, they are two things that both cannot happen. I can't escape LA cleanly and immediately, like I have been dreaming of pulling of for a month now, AND be the King of DVD/Bluray land.

And Bluray/DVD Land fulfills something else I have wanted more than anything for a month now (besides escape from LA). Ever since deciding to leave, I have partly given up on the writing dream, cause, let's face it, if you don't live in LA, your chances of being a screenwriter are decreased drastically. I know its melodramatic, but without this goal, my life has been kinda pointless. I had been looking forward to moving back to Colorado, but what past that? I'd been looking forward to being a writer for so long, without such a goal my life is empty. So, this job not only keeps the goal alive by keeping me in LA, it gives me purpose in my current job, because just hearing I was now the DVD lead gave me a new sense of pride I have not had in a job since my first unpaid internship (boy, I was naive then).

So, what the fuck do I do now? Any pointers? I really would love some advice. Just post it below, or Fbook me. Please!

I'm leaning toward staying for now. Try the DVD Lead thing at least until my lease is up in May, then reassess things. I don't know though...

Sorry to be such a downer... but please... a little help? I'd help you... (maybe)...

A Orgasmic Puzzle or Why Tina Fey Owes Me Sexual Favours (oh yes, the British variety [which mainly means it's toothless])

I work at Barnes and Noble. At Barnes and Noble, almost all, if not all, my shifts in a given week are on THE THIRD FLOOR! Besides being a lonely place where few people tread, a sort of bell tower that overlooks the cafe where the lonely hunchback (me) resides, THE THIRD FLOOR is home to Barnes and Noble's Music and movie department.

Yes, I work on THE THIRD FLOOR because I requested it, lost among our thousands upon thousands of DVDs and Blurays... and 12 CDs (we honestly only carry about 30 different music CDs on two measly racks. No one buys music anymore... no one except for the 5 people everyday who complain about our measly selection... who are all over 40... which means they simply don't know how to pirate music...).

My favorite part about my job - besides discussing movies with someone who actually knows something about them, which only happens about once every two weeks (and this someone is almost always a film professor from a LA college) - is a practice I like to call "tightening."

 A Tightened Shelf

Tightening is only done on closing shifts. Our shelves start tight in the morning, packed with merchandise so there are no loose spots. Picture a book shelf full of books so there is no open space - a tightly packed bookcase - only replace those books you are imagining with DVDs (only you don't have to imagine, because I took some pictures of my own collection for you [I realize there are some alphabetizing issues. I am embarrassed, but do not want to retake the photos. Rest assured, it has been corrected].) . That's how things start, if the closer the previous night properly tightened. Throughout the day, as we sell DVDs, the shelves get loose. So that night, the closer has to tighten them anew. Fascinating shit, I know.

A shelf that needs to be tightened.

Obviously, the most obvious way to tighten is to add more DVDs to the shelf (obviously!). But we very rarely have "overstock" (DVDs to add). So, the act of tightening becomes one big puzzle. When I tighten, I basically shift DVDs backward to earlier shelves that are loose, condensing the DVDs. After I have shifted enough DVDs, large spots begin to open up on the shelf. Once a big enough spot has opened up, I flip a DVD, so instead of it's spine facing out, the front cover does. That's how you tighten. You condense the shelves until a spot opens up and you can flip a DVD so it takes up more space. And, no, I have never hummed "Tighten Up" while doing it... not yet anyway, though now I have fucked myself by thinking about it.

 A shelf Tightened by flipping a DVD

It becomes a game, because you never come out just right. You need to get all the shelves tight without removing or adding merch. If you flip a title to face outward that has multiple copies, you obviously stack them on top of each other. More or less space can be filled this way. If I have 10 copies of G.I. Joe, for example (which I do [at least] because no one buys that shitty looking movie) I may flip 3 to face outward, stacking them, and leave the other 7 with the spine facing outward because this gets the shelf tight. If I were to flip 4 and only leave 6 it would not be tight. Get it (of course you don't, you have to live this shit to appreciate it)?

The act of tightening turns me on (No, not really you idiot. This exaggeration is for entertainment purposes in an unintentionally boring as shit blog!). No lie. It really is orgasmic for two reasons. First, all my Tetris skills finally have a real world application. Second, I'm handling loads of movies. I do this shifting of DVDs at home every time I get a new Bluray, only on a much smaller scale. I love to organize my DVDs and Blurays, because they are my babies, they are what I am most proud of in the whole wide world and will remain so even when I have human children (here I go about children again [and there I go commenting on it again {is reusing a joke over and over again okay if you comment on the act of reusing it? It failed miserably when they did it this season on 30 Rock with their lame Al Gore whale joke.}.].).

So, it makes sense that this tightening transcends simply being a chore of my job and becomes a ritual. A very sexy ritual. So, if you find anything sticky on that DVD you are planning on purchasing at my store, DO NOT TASTE IT! It's not candy residue left by a small child, which you would normally taste when finding in a store (it's semen!).

The other great joy of tightening is that I get to chose which DVD  flip to face the customer. I get to choose which DVDs stand out, perhaps leading to improved sales. Though I am usually smart about it, and make sure to flip top sellers like Twilight (which is also smart because we have multiple copies so by choosing how many to flip I can better regulate the tightening process), I also always make sure to flip personal favorites like Indiana Jones or Observe and Report (I always flip Observe and Report).

I often seem to flip 30 Rock (because it's awesome) and Baby Mama (because I've never seen it, but it does have Tina Fey and we do have multiple copies [because no one wants it] so it is a great regulator). So, basically, what I've written this entire blog to say is, Tina Fey owes me one. If I sell but one extra copy of Baby Mama, I think that calls for a favour. Of the sexual, British variety (I won't make the toothless joke again here [Oh snap! I just did!]. 

Because Tina Fey is adorable!



Oh, and all you people just waiting for me to fail (you know who you are, you cockface, you), this blog obviously counts for the 8th of January. Because it was written during the 8th's awake cycle (true fans of the blog know what I am talking about! Am I right?!). So, I have not yet failed my promise to write one blog a day. So, fuck you for wanting me to fail!

If this blog goes below one blog a day my heart will stop beating...

I'm tired. I really don't feel like writing this blog right now. I just did pages upon pages of screenwriting and now I just want to watch S.W.A.T. on Bluray.

That's right, I do mean S.W.A.T. with Samuel L. Jackson, Colin Farrell, Michelle Rodriguez, and LL Cool J. The very same S.W.A.T. that Richard Roeper called "A Solid Action Movie With A Lot of Heart and Soul." And Roger Ebert called it "The Best Cop Film Since 'Training Day.'"

Oh, yeah! This S.W.A.T. <-- This is a link. You can view the Trailer by clicking on it. Shit, son! Jeremy Renner is in that movie?! I love that guy! He killed The Hurt Locker (Another link there. Because if I post enough links, you will get distracted and forget I half-assed this blog). Just killed it! #5 on my top 09 of 09, baby! (and for the record, it's worlds better than S.W.A.T.).

So, yeah, I just want to watch S.W.A.T. But I am trying something. An experiment (not the gay kind where you kiss another dude) of sorts. I want to see how many days in a row I can write this blog. I know I can't go the whole year, and I hate setting goals because I never reach them, so let's just see how long I can keep it up, without any sort of goal or any expectations in mind.

I have a whole list of blog ideas in my phone, all ready to be written, but I'm trying to get to S.W.A.T. (these blogs take up a good hour of my life each day!). So I'm not using up any of those gems on this shitty effort. I'm gonna save them for when I have more time to be clever.

Tonight is just to tell you to expect a blog daily. For a while. So this blog is mainly to keep the dream alive. Because I would hate to fail just 4 days into the new year. A shitty blog is better than no blog at all, right?

S.W.A.T. time!

Let's mount up!

I am a parasite.

I am a parasite.

I feed off your human emotions.

There is no experience more pleasurable than seeing a high quality, brand-spanking-new film on opening weekend with a sold out crowd. There's a certain energy about the place if the movie is exciting and the crowd is really loving it.

I'll never forget (possibly) seeing Casino Royale the day after Thanksgiving, the way the crowd gasped when James Bond had to jump after the bomb maker from the crane to the top of the construction site. There's nothing like being in tune with a large audience for all the emotions that come with a Hollywood Blockbuster.

Seeing a movie at home is never the same, whether it is Bluray or DVD, or even if you have the sickest home theater system known to man. Without the audience a movie is nothing (well, that's an exaggeration. A good movie rocks regardless, but watching it at home is but a shadow of what it once was at the theater). I'll put it in terms my music obsessed friends can understand: seeing a movie opening weekend at the theater is being at the concert. Watching a DVD at home is simply listening to the CD (well, a DVD is more aptly like listening to a tape. Watching a Bluray is like listening to a CD.).

Obviously, experiencing a movie for the first time can only be experienced once (the first time, duh!). The next best thing, the only way to chase that original high, as it were, is to see the movie again in a packed theater. You still get the benefit of the audience reaction, even though you know what is coming next.

This is the rationale I use when I see a movie multiple times, preferably within the first week or two of release. I can only experience the pure, utter bliss of first viewing a movie like Sherlock Holmes once. But, after that, I have a very brief window (two weeks, maybe four weeks if the movie is a giant hit) to experience the movie going experience of Sherlock Holmes. And I intend to experiance said experience as many times as necessary, because after the movie's popularity subsides, the opportunity to watch the movie with a giant crowd is gone forever.

You see, I feed off the emotions of others. I may not be a Sherlock Holmes virgin, but the person sitting next to me probably is. As are most, if not all, the other people in the theater. I experience their wonder, their shock, their laughter with them, which is the next best thing to feeling it myself for the first time. There is a certain scene in Sherlock Holmes (NO spoilers here) where the audience always gasps. Another where they are always grossed out. This is my bread and butter. This... feeds... me.

I have seen Sherlock Holmes 3 times in the last week. Because though I will get it on Bluray in 6 months, it will never be the same. I saw Star Trek 5 times. Last year I saw The Dark Knight 4 times and Iron Man 5.

If you know me, and I have ever pushed you to watch a movie I love but that you were not keen to watch, it because I wanted your emotions. I wanted to experience the movie with a virgin to the experience, so I could attempt to capture the emotions you had the privilege of feeling for the first time.

Because I am a parasite.

And I feed on human emotions brought to the surface by movies.

So if you are ever enjoying a movie in the dark of the theater and a chill goes down your spine, and all the warmth and joy seem to be sucked from the room, that is not a Dementor (oh shit, HP reference mother fuckers! [I hate myself]), that is simply me, feeding off your joy.

Be seeing you.