The Goldeneye Reunion! Or Christmas Has Cum Early!

First, the title. I am not just trying to be offensive (though that is part of it). It's also an homage to one of the greatest (horrible) movie quotes of all time.

In 1999's James Bond film, The World is Not Enough, the Bond Girl is named Christmas Jones (James Bond does not belittle women! You're crazy!). After saving the world, Bond does what Bond always does (with the exception of Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace), he has PG-13 level sex (no titties [and no penetration, but even HBO porno doesn't have penetration]) with the sexy Bond girl (but only if she didn't turn out to be evil). The World is Not Enough is no different, but after James Bond takes his prize for saving the world (has sex with Christmas Jones) he says, "I thought Christmas only cums once a year." The most brilliant line to ever end a film on.Why the writers are without Oscars is beyond me.



Anyway, that explains the title. It also explains why I strive to end every feature script I write with a cum joke. It is Bond related, so I thought it a fitting title and antidote for a Bond centric blog. Now for the real deal...

There is a Goldeneye reunion cumming (Sorry. I tried not to. But could not help myself [though I may "help myself" at the end of this blog if you know what I mean...{Sorry!}].)!

Goldeneye, of course, is not only one of the greatest video games of all time, it was also the greatest James Bond movie for 11 years. From it's release in 1995 until 2006 when Casino Royale rocked everyone's metaphorical socks off, Goldeneye was the greatest James Bond movie... ever.

Sean Connery may have been the best Bond for those 11 years (Daniel Craig is better...), but Goldeneye was better than any Bond movie Sir Connery had been in. Take a poll of a large group of Bond fans (in other words, Men over the age of 13) and the titles that will come up the most for their pick of greatest Bond flicks will most surely include Goldfinger, Dr. No, From Russia With Love, Goldeneye, and Casino Royale.

Goldeneye is just a fucking awesome movie. Sure, it was full of 90's cheese and one scene really does not age well (I'm looking at you, 90s era car race), but it included arguably the greatest Bond villain ever; Alec Trevelyan 006, Bond's doppelganger and all-around equal.

I've always maintained that the best villains are those that mirror the hero (see also Renee Belloq and Venom) and 006 was just that. He was a former 00 Agent like Bond, with that British wit and charm, the training, and the Q-Gadgets. Like Bond, he lost his parents at a young age and fell under the care of the British government. Unlike Bond, he blamed the British Gov for the death of his parents. Snap!

It didn't hurt that 006 was played by Sean Bean, one of the greatest villain actors of all time (see also Patriot Games).

Some of my fondest memories of the Bond franchise stem from the awesome dialogue between 006 and 007, both before and after the revelation that he was a baddie. A buddy of mine in highschool and I used to quote 006/007 convos back and forth during class. It was often in a mocking way, yes, but the admiration for the source material was legitimate.

One of my favorite movie scenes ever is when 006 reveals himself to 007 as the baddie in the abandoned park full of old soviet era statues. The dialogue is just... so crunchy! The revelation that 006 is even still alive... so shocking! The betrayal so... betraying. Orgasmic... really. Nothing like a strong villainous exchange. And this is one of the strongest.

Goldeneye is just so fucking good. Definitely one of my top 25 favorite movies. One of the movies I most want to see released on Bluray (I really wish I could watch it after this blog, but alas... I only own two versions of it on DVD...).

So, I almost flipped my lid last night when I saw a TV Spot for a movie, while being forced to watch a CBS show... ugh... CBS shows are sooooo generic and outdated.... like Television's black hole... where writer's go to stagnate...

That's right. Almost flipped my lid! I'm not ever sure what it means, but I know deep inside that it almost happened. And that worries me... If I didn't already go to the doctor today for a pain in my chest, I would most likely go to have him check out this near lid flipping experience.

 

Apparently, Google image search has no idea what "flipping your lid" means either. I should be thankful (or, disappointed, rather) that nothing sexual popped up. I did recently turn my safe search off (Oooooh, yeah! I like to live dangerously.).

Anyway... (I say that a lot. [Only because I get off topic a lot.])

This trailer... had Pierce Brosnan... and Sean Bean... in the SAME MOVIE! 

AGAIN!

No, I am not fucking with you right now. This honest-to-God is real. 

You're barely able to contain your excitement (why did I just type sexcitment? Thanks for catching that one, Spell Check.), I know. I just about flipped your lid, didn't I? I bet that was painful. Sorry about that. But, it couldn't be helped.

I had to share this news with someone. And who better than you? Because I love you. I have mentioned that before, right? Well, if not, then... I love you. There, now I've mentioned it. So, it's no longer a secret. Much healthier.

So, "What is this amazing, tour-de-force of acting?" you must be screaming at your screen right now. What movie could possibly contain Pierce Brosnan and Sean Bean? Again. Well, I'll tell you...

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightening Thief!

...

?

I know, right.

WHAT THE FUCK is this movie and WHY THE HELL is 007 not in the title!? I swear to Shat...

Apparently it is based off the first book in a fairly popular children's book series. Think Harry Potter or Diary of a Wimpy Kid (which I already graciously introduced you to). Then cut that shit's popularity in more than half. Cause it ain't no Harry Potter or Wimpy Kid (because people go ape shit for Harry Potter and Wimpy Kid). It does have it's own table at ole' B&N. Which is the only reason I am aware it is a popular children's book series.

So, yeah, Sean Bean and Pierce Brosnan are back together again! And their reunion is wasted on the young (like everything [this cumming {Sorry. I really am.} from a 21-year-old {I'll be 22 this month!}.].)! Really, 006 would be rolling in his grave. Assuming he is even dead! We saw that mass of machinery fall on him, but in Bond world, that doesn't mean he's dead!

Even though my heart really did skip a beat (I did have the doctor check that out today, but it wasn't related to my chest pain, interestingly enough.) when I saw those two great men in the same trailer, there's no way I'll see that movie. 

Cause that shit's for kids! Not like Bond. Whose Oscar worthy dialog and realistic portrayals of sex and violence can only be appreciated by adults (*Wink!*).

(Seriously though, the "Christmas only cums once" line was lost on me until I watched The World Is Not Enough as an "adult" two months ago. Must have seen it ten times as a kid and never got it...)

I am a parasite.

I am a parasite.

I feed off your human emotions.

There is no experience more pleasurable than seeing a high quality, brand-spanking-new film on opening weekend with a sold out crowd. There's a certain energy about the place if the movie is exciting and the crowd is really loving it.

I'll never forget (possibly) seeing Casino Royale the day after Thanksgiving, the way the crowd gasped when James Bond had to jump after the bomb maker from the crane to the top of the construction site. There's nothing like being in tune with a large audience for all the emotions that come with a Hollywood Blockbuster.

Seeing a movie at home is never the same, whether it is Bluray or DVD, or even if you have the sickest home theater system known to man. Without the audience a movie is nothing (well, that's an exaggeration. A good movie rocks regardless, but watching it at home is but a shadow of what it once was at the theater). I'll put it in terms my music obsessed friends can understand: seeing a movie opening weekend at the theater is being at the concert. Watching a DVD at home is simply listening to the CD (well, a DVD is more aptly like listening to a tape. Watching a Bluray is like listening to a CD.).

Obviously, experiencing a movie for the first time can only be experienced once (the first time, duh!). The next best thing, the only way to chase that original high, as it were, is to see the movie again in a packed theater. You still get the benefit of the audience reaction, even though you know what is coming next.

This is the rationale I use when I see a movie multiple times, preferably within the first week or two of release. I can only experience the pure, utter bliss of first viewing a movie like Sherlock Holmes once. But, after that, I have a very brief window (two weeks, maybe four weeks if the movie is a giant hit) to experience the movie going experience of Sherlock Holmes. And I intend to experiance said experience as many times as necessary, because after the movie's popularity subsides, the opportunity to watch the movie with a giant crowd is gone forever.

You see, I feed off the emotions of others. I may not be a Sherlock Holmes virgin, but the person sitting next to me probably is. As are most, if not all, the other people in the theater. I experience their wonder, their shock, their laughter with them, which is the next best thing to feeling it myself for the first time. There is a certain scene in Sherlock Holmes (NO spoilers here) where the audience always gasps. Another where they are always grossed out. This is my bread and butter. This... feeds... me.

I have seen Sherlock Holmes 3 times in the last week. Because though I will get it on Bluray in 6 months, it will never be the same. I saw Star Trek 5 times. Last year I saw The Dark Knight 4 times and Iron Man 5.

If you know me, and I have ever pushed you to watch a movie I love but that you were not keen to watch, it because I wanted your emotions. I wanted to experience the movie with a virgin to the experience, so I could attempt to capture the emotions you had the privilege of feeling for the first time.

Because I am a parasite.

And I feed on human emotions brought to the surface by movies.

So if you are ever enjoying a movie in the dark of the theater and a chill goes down your spine, and all the warmth and joy seem to be sucked from the room, that is not a Dementor (oh shit, HP reference mother fuckers! [I hate myself]), that is simply me, feeding off your joy.

Be seeing you.

Just Bloggin'

This is me promising to write my Blog on a semi-regular basis. (And these next few months of silence are me breaking that promise).What will I write it about? I honestly don't know. Whatever the fuck I want to write it about, I guess.

Mediocre, boring shit. The shit I'm passionate about. The shit you couldn't give a flying fuck about. Movie shit mostly. Insightful shit from time to time. Day to day, absolutely boring shit, more often than not.
Will it be entertaining? Will it amuse you? Maybe. Sometimes. I'll try to make it amusing. Throw in some dick jokes, a gay joke or two, maybe a suicide joke, or an obscure movie reference.

And I'll try to be honest. Painfully honest. Kevin Smith honest. I may not give out my masturbation schedule (it's been a few days), but I'd like to be honest to a point of making this interesting. You know, give you fine folks (all 3 of you) an insight into my inner workings (or lack there of). Maybe treat this like an online diary (dairy?) from time to time.
Sound like a plan?

But, really, what's the fucking point?

I'm glad you asked, me. I just need to be writing. Keeping a fairly regular blog is good practice. Gives me a chance to keep my writing muscles in shape (not just my fingers, dickhead. My head... dickhead. [By which I mean my brain, moron]).

And all blogs are pointless anyway. So, really, what I'm doing is not anymore pointless than what other folks out on these fine interwebs are doing. So I take Solace in that. A Quantum of Solace (ladies and gentlemen, that is an example of a movie reference.). After all, The World is Not Enough. And Tomorrow Never Dies, so I'll live to Die Another Day. Goldeneye.So, yeah, this is me promising to write the blog. So this is my blog about bloggin'. About as mediocre as what's to come, I assure you. But at least is will be mediocrity in regular intervals (hopefully).

Anyway, that is all for now. I'm off to the Casino Royale. Gonna give someone the Goldfinger. It's for their eyes only (Fuck, I'm lame. But at least I amuse myself. Because, really, that's all that matters in the grand scheme of things).

Until next time, dear readers.

Be seeing you.

-- Dr. No