The man had the biggest hit of his career last year with TAKEN (As is tradition here at SIMPLY PASSING THROUGH HISTORY, I'm not gonna bother checking that "fact" [Even though STAR WARS: EPISODE 1: I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE SUBTITLE was obviously bigger.].) but right as he was basking in his well deserved glory, his wife kicked the bucket somehow (I don't remember how, what her name was, or if said event happened close to the release of TAKEN or not [You get what you pay for, you cheap fuck. Go buy a book. Or Nook. But make sure my managers I know I sold you on that shit, cause I get a cookie.].).
As everyone in Hollywood knows, following the death of a loved one, every actor has two choices. You either withdraw from the public spotlight, moving to Europe for a self induced drug coma that only an acting salary can support, OR you stick your dick in as many projects ("Movies" in regular folk speak) about town as possible, trying to forget about the dick hole you lost when your wife died (Oh my God, I am never tricking a woman into marrying me after that comment). You know, assuming you are a Hollywood actor. Everyone else has to either suck it up or throw down on enough rope (or extension cord) for a noose. Cause drug induced comas in Europe tend to be a wee bit pricey.
Liam Neeson chose the dick sticking route (No one expected any less), as following the death of old whats-her-name, he suddenly became attached (that's movie speak for "He's planning to act in that movie... maybe.") to a shit ton of movies (For the record, I doubt very much that Liam's actual Penis is visible in any of his recent films. Though if it makes an appearance in any, my bet's on CLASH OF THE TITANS [That's shit's in 3D!]. Release "the Kraken" indeed, Mr. Neeson. Well played, old man.). Movie sites instantly began to speculate that Liam (me and him are actually very buddy-buddy. Never cared much for his wife, though. Kinda a bitch.) was intentionally taking any project he could get his hands on, just to keep his mind off the loss of his dick hole (I swear I'm not really this horrible a person).
The facts (yes, now I turn to facts... to make a point) would seem to support such a theory. Since TAKEN, Liam has been in 9 other released projects, if you count being a voice in PONYO, PRINCE CASPIAN, and the video game FALLOUT 3. Which I do. He has 5 films currently in post production including THE A-TEAM (of which he appears to be the most bad ass part). And he has five projects "In Development" (but that doesn't really mean shit. LINCOLN has been in development for years and may never happen. But hopefully it does, cause it's to be directed by Steven Spielberg!). So, all together that's 19 projects following TAKEN! I realize some of these were likely complete before his wife's passing and others may never actually happen ("In Development" really means jack shit.), but that's still a really fucking full plate for one man. A lot of holes in which to stick his dick, so to say.
So that is the sad, sad tale of Liam Neeson. The man appears to be in every film at the multiplex because, well, he is.
But what explains this other British Invasion (Ok, Liam Neeson may not be British. In fact, I think he's Irish...? Isn't that all the same shit anyway?)?
Pierce Brosnan aka Mr. 3rd Place (cause his portrayal of James Bond is only the third best out of six) is in every fucking movie at the multiplex that Liam Neeson is NOT in.
Hell, they even tried to be in the same movie, but there was a bit of a miscommunication. Liam told Pierce (Also a good friend of mine. His wife is far less bitchy than Liam's was.) he was going to play Zeus, so Pierce signed up for PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS: BLAH BLAH BLAH, thinking this was the movie Liam was talking about, because as everyone in Hollywood knows (including Liam and Pierce), Liam and Pierce have been looking for another project to collaborate on for ages. And ages. And ages. Unfortunately, Liam was referring to CLASH OF THE TITANS. So, he went on to make far more money than Pierce. But, Pierce had the last laugh, because he went on to look like far less of a fool than Liam, who will never live "Release the Kraken" down.
Okay, so Pierce has stuck his dick in far less places than Liam. He's only had four released projects since MAMMA MIA!, two projects currently in Pre-Production, and four In Development. But, take a look at this tasty little factoid... Liam has three movies currently in theaters, while Pierce has four (if you were to find PERCY JACKSON GODS STEAL LIGHTENING BLAH at a dollar theater)! Pierce currently has THE GREATEST, GHOST WRITER, and REMEMBER ME (and OLYMPIANS) out while Liam has CHLOE, CLASH OF THE OLYMPIANS OR SOME SUCH SHIT, AFTER.LIFE, and possibly a movie he's narrated. But I'm not gonna count that one here (even though I counted it earlier).
So, for all intensive purposes (my purposes), Pierce has out-dicked Liam, with 4 movies currently in theaters to Liam's 3.
What's up Pierce (I'll be sure to ask him when we meet for drinks tonight)? What tragedy hath befallen you? And why didn't you choose the Europe/drug coma route?
Is it possible the loss of one's identity is far more horrid and painful than the loss of one's dick hole? What I mean to say is, has losing the role of a lifetime (James Bond, duh!) finally made Pierce crack? Was it one of those denial dealies where Pierce was in denial since DIE ANOTHER DAY, not believing he really lost the only thing that gave him value, until there were, not one, but TWO James Bond movies starring "that other guy" (who happens to make a far better 007 than Pierce.)?
Finally accepting the loss allowed Pierce to move on to grieving, which he dealt with quite similarly to our mutual acquaintance, Liam. At least, that's the only conceivable reason that Pierce "Bond 4Ever" Brosnan has more movies out at the ole' multiplex than Liam "My Wife Is Dead... Whah!" Neeson.
Because it sucks to lose your spouse, but it must suck to lose all that James Bond money more.
And so Pierce Brosnan has not finished teaching me lessons in my "adulthood." From a young age, Pierce taught me that women were nothing more than sexy sidekicks who will have partially clothed sex with you if you are about to save the world. Or if you had just saved the world. But only if they didn't turn out to be evil. Though, even if they are (evil, I mean.), Pierce taught that you can still let them them "sex" you, as long as you reveal to them after that you knew they were evil all along. And kill them.
But today, Pierce has taught me the most valuable lesson of all. That money and fame are more important than any sort of human relationship, no matter how much sexing is involved (Trust me, I knew Liam and whats-her-face very well. There was a lot of sexing!).
First, the title. I am not just trying to be offensive (though that is part of it). It's also an homage to one of the greatest (horrible) movie quotes of all time.
In 1999's James Bond film, The World is Not Enough, the Bond Girl is named Christmas Jones (James Bond does not belittle women! You're crazy!). After saving the world, Bond does what Bond always does (with the exception of Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace), he has PG-13 level sex (no titties [and no penetration, but even HBO porno doesn't have penetration]) with the sexy Bond girl (but only if she didn't turn out to be evil). The World is Not Enough is no different, but after James Bond takes his prize for saving the world (has sex with Christmas Jones) he says, "I thought Christmas only cums once a year." The most brilliant line to ever end a film on.Why the writers are without Oscars is beyond me.
Anyway, that explains the title. It also explains why I strive to end every feature script I write with a cum joke. It is Bond related, so I thought it a fitting title and antidote for a Bond centric blog. Now for the real deal...
There is a Goldeneye reunion cumming (Sorry. I tried not to. But could not help myself [though I may "help myself" at the end of this blog if you know what I mean...{Sorry!}].)!
Goldeneye, of course, is not only one of the greatest video games of all time, it was also the greatest James Bond movie for 11 years. From it's release in 1995 until 2006 when Casino Royale rocked everyone's metaphorical socks off, Goldeneye was the greatest James Bond movie... ever.
Sean Connery may have been the best Bond for those 11 years (Daniel Craig is better...), but Goldeneye was better than any Bond movie Sir Connery had been in. Take a poll of a large group of Bond fans (in other words, Men over the age of 13) and the titles that will come up the most for their pick of greatest Bond flicks will most surely include Goldfinger, Dr. No, From Russia With Love, Goldeneye, and Casino Royale.
Goldeneye is just a fucking awesome movie. Sure, it was full of 90's cheese and one scene really does not age well (I'm looking at you, 90s era car race), but it included arguably the greatest Bond villain ever; Alec Trevelyan 006, Bond's doppelganger and all-around equal.
I've always maintained that the best villains are those that mirror the hero (see also Renee Belloq and Venom) and 006 was just that. He was a former 00 Agent like Bond, with that British wit and charm, the training, and the Q-Gadgets. Like Bond, he lost his parents at a young age and fell under the care of the British government. Unlike Bond, he blamed the British Gov for the death of his parents. Snap!
It didn't hurt that 006 was played by Sean Bean, one of the greatest villain actors of all time (see also Patriot Games).
Some of my fondest memories of the Bond franchise stem from the awesome dialogue between 006 and 007, both before and after the revelation that he was a baddie. A buddy of mine in highschool and I used to quote 006/007 convos back and forth during class. It was often in a mocking way, yes, but the admiration for the source material was legitimate.
One of my favorite movie scenes ever is when 006 reveals himself to 007 as the baddie in the abandoned park full of old soviet era statues. The dialogue is just... so crunchy! The revelation that 006 is even still alive... so shocking! The betrayal so... betraying. Orgasmic... really. Nothing like a strong villainous exchange. And this is one of the strongest.
Goldeneye is just so fucking good. Definitely one of my top 25 favorite movies. One of the movies I most want to see released on Bluray (I really wish I could watch it after this blog, but alas... I only own two versions of it on DVD...).
So, I almost flipped my lid last night when I saw a TV Spot for a movie, while being forced to watch a CBS show... ugh... CBS shows are sooooo generic and outdated.... like Television's black hole... where writer's go to stagnate...
That's right. Almost flipped my lid! I'm not ever sure what it means, but I know deep inside that it almost happened. And that worries me... If I didn't already go to the doctor today for a pain in my chest, I would most likely go to have him check out this near lid flipping experience.
Apparently, Google image search has no idea what "flipping your lid" means either. I should be thankful (or, disappointed, rather) that nothing sexual popped up. I did recently turn my safe search off (Oooooh, yeah! I like to live dangerously.).
Anyway... (I say that a lot. [Only because I get off topic a lot.])
This trailer... had Pierce Brosnan... and Sean Bean... in the SAME MOVIE!
AGAIN!
No, I am not fucking with you right now. This honest-to-God is real.
You're barely able to contain your excitement (why did I just type sexcitment? Thanks for catching that one, Spell Check.), I know. I just about flipped your lid, didn't I? I bet that was painful. Sorry about that. But, it couldn't be helped.
I had to share this news with someone. And who better than you? Because I love you. I have mentioned that before, right? Well, if not, then... I love you. There, now I've mentioned it. So, it's no longer a secret. Much healthier.
So, "What is this amazing, tour-de-force of acting?" you must be screaming at your screen right now. What movie could possibly contain Pierce Brosnan and Sean Bean? Again. Well, I'll tell you...
Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightening Thief!
...
?
I know, right.
WHAT THE FUCK is this movie and WHY THE HELL is 007 not in the title!? I swear to Shat...
Apparently it is based off the first book in a fairly popular children's book series. Think Harry Potter or Diary of a Wimpy Kid (which I already graciously introduced you to). Then cut that shit's popularity in more than half. Cause it ain't no Harry Potter or Wimpy Kid (because people go ape shit for Harry Potter and Wimpy Kid). It does have it's own table at ole' B&N. Which is the only reason I am aware it is a popular children's book series.
So, yeah, Sean Bean and Pierce Brosnan are back together again! And their reunion is wasted on the young (like everything [this cumming {Sorry. I really am.} from a 21-year-old {I'll be 22 this month!}.].)! Really, 006 would be rolling in his grave. Assuming he is even dead! We saw that mass of machinery fall on him, but in Bond world, that doesn't mean he's dead!
Even though my heart really did skip a beat (I did have the doctor check that out today, but it wasn't related to my chest pain, interestingly enough.) when I saw those two great men in the same trailer, there's no way I'll see that movie.
Cause that shit's for kids! Not like Bond. Whose Oscar worthy dialog and realistic portrayals of sex and violence can only be appreciated by adults (*Wink!*).
(Seriously though, the "Christmas only cums once" line was lost on me until I watched The World Is Not Enough as an "adult" two months ago. Must have seen it ten times as a kid and never got it...)
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