Release the Kraken! Or, The Curious Case of Liam and Pierce.

Liam Neeson can't catch a fucking break.

The man had the biggest hit of his career last year with TAKEN (As is tradition here at SIMPLY PASSING THROUGH HISTORY, I'm not gonna bother checking that "fact" [Even though STAR WARS: EPISODE 1: I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE SUBTITLE was obviously bigger.].) but right as he was basking in his well deserved glory, his wife kicked the bucket somehow (I don't remember how, what her name was, or if said event happened close to the release of TAKEN or not [You get what you pay for, you cheap fuck. Go buy a book. Or Nook. But make sure my managers I know I sold you on that shit, cause I get a cookie.].).

As everyone in Hollywood knows, following the death of a loved one, every actor has two choices. You either withdraw from the public spotlight, moving to Europe for a self induced drug coma that only an acting salary can support, OR you stick your dick in as many projects ("Movies" in regular folk speak) about town as possible, trying to forget about the dick hole you lost when your wife died (Oh my God, I am never tricking a woman into marrying me after that comment). You know, assuming you are a Hollywood actor. Everyone else has to either suck it up or throw down on enough rope (or extension cord) for a noose. Cause drug induced comas in Europe tend to be a wee bit pricey.

Liam Neeson chose the dick sticking route (No one expected any less), as following the death of old whats-her-name, he suddenly became attached (that's movie speak for "He's planning to act in that movie... maybe.") to a shit ton of movies (For the record, I doubt very much that Liam's actual Penis is visible in any of his recent films. Though if it makes an appearance in any, my bet's on CLASH OF THE TITANS [That's shit's in 3D!]. Release "the Kraken" indeed, Mr. Neeson. Well played, old man.). Movie sites instantly began to speculate that Liam (me and him are actually very buddy-buddy. Never cared much for his wife, though. Kinda a bitch.) was intentionally taking any project he could get his hands on, just to keep his mind off the loss of his dick hole (I swear I'm not really this horrible a person).

The facts (yes, now I turn to facts... to make a point) would seem to support such a theory. Since TAKEN, Liam has been in 9 other released projects, if you count being a voice in PONYO, PRINCE CASPIAN, and the video game FALLOUT 3. Which I do. He has 5 films currently in post production including THE A-TEAM (of which he appears to be the most bad ass part). And he has five projects "In Development" (but that doesn't really mean shit. LINCOLN has been in development for years and may never happen. But hopefully it does, cause it's to be directed by Steven Spielberg!). So, all together that's 19 projects following TAKEN! I realize some of these were likely complete before his wife's passing and others may never actually happen ("In Development" really means jack shit.), but that's still a really fucking full plate for one man. A lot of holes in which to stick his dick, so to say.

So that is the sad, sad tale of Liam Neeson. The man appears to be in every film at the multiplex because, well, he is.

But what explains this other British Invasion (Ok, Liam Neeson may not be British. In fact, I think he's Irish...? Isn't that all the same shit anyway?)?

Pierce Brosnan aka Mr. 3rd Place (cause his portrayal of James Bond is only the third best out of six) is in every fucking movie at the multiplex that Liam Neeson is NOT in.

Hell, they even tried to be in the same movie, but there was a bit of a miscommunication. Liam told Pierce (Also a good friend of mine. His wife is far less bitchy than Liam's was.) he was going to play Zeus, so Pierce signed up for PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS: BLAH BLAH BLAH, thinking this was the movie Liam was talking about, because as everyone in Hollywood knows (including Liam and Pierce), Liam and Pierce have been looking for another project to collaborate on for ages. And ages. And ages. Unfortunately, Liam was referring to CLASH OF THE TITANS. So, he went on to make far more money than Pierce. But, Pierce had the last laugh, because he went on to look like far less of a fool than Liam, who will never live "Release the Kraken" down.

Okay, so Pierce has stuck his dick in far less places than Liam. He's only had four released projects since MAMMA MIA!, two projects currently in Pre-Production, and four In Development. But, take a look at this tasty little factoid... Liam has three movies currently in theaters, while Pierce has four (if you were to find PERCY JACKSON GODS STEAL LIGHTENING BLAH at a dollar theater)! Pierce currently has THE GREATEST, GHOST WRITER, and REMEMBER ME (and OLYMPIANS) out while Liam has CHLOE, CLASH OF THE OLYMPIANS OR SOME SUCH SHIT, AFTER.LIFE, and possibly a movie he's narrated. But I'm not gonna count that one here (even though I counted it earlier).

So, for all intensive purposes (my purposes), Pierce has out-dicked Liam, with 4 movies currently in theaters to Liam's 3.

What's up Pierce (I'll be sure to ask him when we meet for drinks tonight)? What tragedy hath befallen you? And why didn't you choose the Europe/drug coma route?

Is it possible the loss of one's identity is far more horrid and painful than the loss of one's dick hole? What I mean to say is, has losing the role of a lifetime (James Bond, duh!) finally made Pierce crack? Was it one of those denial dealies where Pierce was in denial since DIE ANOTHER DAY, not believing he really lost the only thing that gave him value, until there were, not one, but TWO James Bond movies starring "that other guy" (who happens to make a far better 007 than Pierce.)?

 Finally accepting the loss allowed Pierce to move on to grieving, which he dealt with quite similarly to our mutual acquaintance, Liam.  At least, that's the only conceivable reason that Pierce "Bond 4Ever" Brosnan has more movies out at the ole' multiplex than Liam "My Wife Is Dead... Whah!" Neeson.

Because it sucks to lose your spouse, but it must suck to lose all that James Bond money more.

And so Pierce Brosnan has not finished teaching me lessons in my "adulthood." From a young age, Pierce taught me that women were nothing more than sexy sidekicks who will have partially clothed sex with you if you are about to save the world. Or if you had just saved the world. But only if they didn't turn out to be evil. Though, even if they are (evil, I mean.), Pierce taught that you can still let them them "sex" you, as long as you reveal to them after that you knew they were evil all along. And kill them.

But today, Pierce has taught me the most valuable lesson of all. That money and fame are more important than any sort of human relationship, no matter how much sexing is involved (Trust me, I knew Liam and whats-her-face very well. There was a lot of sexing!).

Thanks, Pierce! You're my number 3 guy!

The Goldeneye Reunion! Or Christmas Has Cum Early!

First, the title. I am not just trying to be offensive (though that is part of it). It's also an homage to one of the greatest (horrible) movie quotes of all time.

In 1999's James Bond film, The World is Not Enough, the Bond Girl is named Christmas Jones (James Bond does not belittle women! You're crazy!). After saving the world, Bond does what Bond always does (with the exception of Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace), he has PG-13 level sex (no titties [and no penetration, but even HBO porno doesn't have penetration]) with the sexy Bond girl (but only if she didn't turn out to be evil). The World is Not Enough is no different, but after James Bond takes his prize for saving the world (has sex with Christmas Jones) he says, "I thought Christmas only cums once a year." The most brilliant line to ever end a film on.Why the writers are without Oscars is beyond me.



Anyway, that explains the title. It also explains why I strive to end every feature script I write with a cum joke. It is Bond related, so I thought it a fitting title and antidote for a Bond centric blog. Now for the real deal...

There is a Goldeneye reunion cumming (Sorry. I tried not to. But could not help myself [though I may "help myself" at the end of this blog if you know what I mean...{Sorry!}].)!

Goldeneye, of course, is not only one of the greatest video games of all time, it was also the greatest James Bond movie for 11 years. From it's release in 1995 until 2006 when Casino Royale rocked everyone's metaphorical socks off, Goldeneye was the greatest James Bond movie... ever.

Sean Connery may have been the best Bond for those 11 years (Daniel Craig is better...), but Goldeneye was better than any Bond movie Sir Connery had been in. Take a poll of a large group of Bond fans (in other words, Men over the age of 13) and the titles that will come up the most for their pick of greatest Bond flicks will most surely include Goldfinger, Dr. No, From Russia With Love, Goldeneye, and Casino Royale.

Goldeneye is just a fucking awesome movie. Sure, it was full of 90's cheese and one scene really does not age well (I'm looking at you, 90s era car race), but it included arguably the greatest Bond villain ever; Alec Trevelyan 006, Bond's doppelganger and all-around equal.

I've always maintained that the best villains are those that mirror the hero (see also Renee Belloq and Venom) and 006 was just that. He was a former 00 Agent like Bond, with that British wit and charm, the training, and the Q-Gadgets. Like Bond, he lost his parents at a young age and fell under the care of the British government. Unlike Bond, he blamed the British Gov for the death of his parents. Snap!

It didn't hurt that 006 was played by Sean Bean, one of the greatest villain actors of all time (see also Patriot Games).

Some of my fondest memories of the Bond franchise stem from the awesome dialogue between 006 and 007, both before and after the revelation that he was a baddie. A buddy of mine in highschool and I used to quote 006/007 convos back and forth during class. It was often in a mocking way, yes, but the admiration for the source material was legitimate.

One of my favorite movie scenes ever is when 006 reveals himself to 007 as the baddie in the abandoned park full of old soviet era statues. The dialogue is just... so crunchy! The revelation that 006 is even still alive... so shocking! The betrayal so... betraying. Orgasmic... really. Nothing like a strong villainous exchange. And this is one of the strongest.

Goldeneye is just so fucking good. Definitely one of my top 25 favorite movies. One of the movies I most want to see released on Bluray (I really wish I could watch it after this blog, but alas... I only own two versions of it on DVD...).

So, I almost flipped my lid last night when I saw a TV Spot for a movie, while being forced to watch a CBS show... ugh... CBS shows are sooooo generic and outdated.... like Television's black hole... where writer's go to stagnate...

That's right. Almost flipped my lid! I'm not ever sure what it means, but I know deep inside that it almost happened. And that worries me... If I didn't already go to the doctor today for a pain in my chest, I would most likely go to have him check out this near lid flipping experience.

 

Apparently, Google image search has no idea what "flipping your lid" means either. I should be thankful (or, disappointed, rather) that nothing sexual popped up. I did recently turn my safe search off (Oooooh, yeah! I like to live dangerously.).

Anyway... (I say that a lot. [Only because I get off topic a lot.])

This trailer... had Pierce Brosnan... and Sean Bean... in the SAME MOVIE! 

AGAIN!

No, I am not fucking with you right now. This honest-to-God is real. 

You're barely able to contain your excitement (why did I just type sexcitment? Thanks for catching that one, Spell Check.), I know. I just about flipped your lid, didn't I? I bet that was painful. Sorry about that. But, it couldn't be helped.

I had to share this news with someone. And who better than you? Because I love you. I have mentioned that before, right? Well, if not, then... I love you. There, now I've mentioned it. So, it's no longer a secret. Much healthier.

So, "What is this amazing, tour-de-force of acting?" you must be screaming at your screen right now. What movie could possibly contain Pierce Brosnan and Sean Bean? Again. Well, I'll tell you...

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightening Thief!

...

?

I know, right.

WHAT THE FUCK is this movie and WHY THE HELL is 007 not in the title!? I swear to Shat...

Apparently it is based off the first book in a fairly popular children's book series. Think Harry Potter or Diary of a Wimpy Kid (which I already graciously introduced you to). Then cut that shit's popularity in more than half. Cause it ain't no Harry Potter or Wimpy Kid (because people go ape shit for Harry Potter and Wimpy Kid). It does have it's own table at ole' B&N. Which is the only reason I am aware it is a popular children's book series.

So, yeah, Sean Bean and Pierce Brosnan are back together again! And their reunion is wasted on the young (like everything [this cumming {Sorry. I really am.} from a 21-year-old {I'll be 22 this month!}.].)! Really, 006 would be rolling in his grave. Assuming he is even dead! We saw that mass of machinery fall on him, but in Bond world, that doesn't mean he's dead!

Even though my heart really did skip a beat (I did have the doctor check that out today, but it wasn't related to my chest pain, interestingly enough.) when I saw those two great men in the same trailer, there's no way I'll see that movie. 

Cause that shit's for kids! Not like Bond. Whose Oscar worthy dialog and realistic portrayals of sex and violence can only be appreciated by adults (*Wink!*).

(Seriously though, the "Christmas only cums once" line was lost on me until I watched The World Is Not Enough as an "adult" two months ago. Must have seen it ten times as a kid and never got it...)

I am a parasite.

I am a parasite.

I feed off your human emotions.

There is no experience more pleasurable than seeing a high quality, brand-spanking-new film on opening weekend with a sold out crowd. There's a certain energy about the place if the movie is exciting and the crowd is really loving it.

I'll never forget (possibly) seeing Casino Royale the day after Thanksgiving, the way the crowd gasped when James Bond had to jump after the bomb maker from the crane to the top of the construction site. There's nothing like being in tune with a large audience for all the emotions that come with a Hollywood Blockbuster.

Seeing a movie at home is never the same, whether it is Bluray or DVD, or even if you have the sickest home theater system known to man. Without the audience a movie is nothing (well, that's an exaggeration. A good movie rocks regardless, but watching it at home is but a shadow of what it once was at the theater). I'll put it in terms my music obsessed friends can understand: seeing a movie opening weekend at the theater is being at the concert. Watching a DVD at home is simply listening to the CD (well, a DVD is more aptly like listening to a tape. Watching a Bluray is like listening to a CD.).

Obviously, experiencing a movie for the first time can only be experienced once (the first time, duh!). The next best thing, the only way to chase that original high, as it were, is to see the movie again in a packed theater. You still get the benefit of the audience reaction, even though you know what is coming next.

This is the rationale I use when I see a movie multiple times, preferably within the first week or two of release. I can only experience the pure, utter bliss of first viewing a movie like Sherlock Holmes once. But, after that, I have a very brief window (two weeks, maybe four weeks if the movie is a giant hit) to experience the movie going experience of Sherlock Holmes. And I intend to experiance said experience as many times as necessary, because after the movie's popularity subsides, the opportunity to watch the movie with a giant crowd is gone forever.

You see, I feed off the emotions of others. I may not be a Sherlock Holmes virgin, but the person sitting next to me probably is. As are most, if not all, the other people in the theater. I experience their wonder, their shock, their laughter with them, which is the next best thing to feeling it myself for the first time. There is a certain scene in Sherlock Holmes (NO spoilers here) where the audience always gasps. Another where they are always grossed out. This is my bread and butter. This... feeds... me.

I have seen Sherlock Holmes 3 times in the last week. Because though I will get it on Bluray in 6 months, it will never be the same. I saw Star Trek 5 times. Last year I saw The Dark Knight 4 times and Iron Man 5.

If you know me, and I have ever pushed you to watch a movie I love but that you were not keen to watch, it because I wanted your emotions. I wanted to experience the movie with a virgin to the experience, so I could attempt to capture the emotions you had the privilege of feeling for the first time.

Because I am a parasite.

And I feed on human emotions brought to the surface by movies.

So if you are ever enjoying a movie in the dark of the theater and a chill goes down your spine, and all the warmth and joy seem to be sucked from the room, that is not a Dementor (oh shit, HP reference mother fuckers! [I hate myself]), that is simply me, feeding off your joy.

Be seeing you.

Donate Your Cell Phone to a Homeless Man

One person can make a difference!

That's right, you can make a difference! Just you! All by yourself! Like a big boy/girl!

It's true. Just look at all these people who have made a difference...


Adolf Hitler

Joseph Stalin

Ghengis Khan


Ok, so all those people were evil. Just look at all the non-evil individuals who have made a difference...

Luke Skywalker
James Bond

Khan (I mean, Khaaaaaaan!)


Okay, so those were all fictional. And Khan was evil AND fictional. But there are non-evil, real, flesh and blood people who have made a difference too...

I just can't think of anyway.

The point is YOU can make a difference. Right here and right now (or, at the very least, right near here in a time slightly later than now [cause you're reading this blog at present]).

All you need to do is give your old cell phone to a homeless person. It doesn't need to have service. It doesn't have to hold a charge. It just needs to look like a cell phone.

It's a win/win!

First, the cell phone is recycled! So it's not thrown in some landfill where it eventually gets swallowed by a mutant (following the nuclear apocalypse of 2012 [damn those Mayans, there were right! But so was Planet of the Apes...]) who doesn't know better, causing it to choke to death (or, if it survives, the phone is still lodged in its mutant throat, so the poor creature can no longer eat, so it very slowly [and very painfully] starves to death. It's kind of comical really, the mutant gets so skinny that your old cell phone is visible, bulging out of it's skinny little neck). I know you've been saving all your cell phones to use the parts to construct your time machine and/or robot slave, but think about more than just yourself for a moment here! Who ever heard of anyone changing the world with a time machine!

Looking pretty insane...

Second (as in the second win in this win/win scenario), the homeless person who receives your phone no longer looks insane! Let me explain briefly (if I am capable of this).

All homeless people talk to themselves. This is a scientific fact. It has been this way since the beginning of time (well, at least since the beginning of homes).

They mutter to themselves, the carry out one-sided (sometimes two-sided) conversations, and they most certainly shout at the top of their lungs that their paper bag has been stolen by scarecrows. They appear insane. Each and every one of them. Fucking homeless.

But with cell phones, they need not look crazy! If you give a homeless person a cell phone (a much better choice than giving a mouse a cookie, because if you give a mouse a cookie, you are
just asking for a rodent infestation [which is preferable to a homeless infestation. Fucking homeless!), you are giving them their dignity back (what little dignity such putrid human beings like the homeless deserve).

Yay! Dignity!

If you see a dirty bearded man, dressed in rags, talking gibberish with a cell phone next to his ear, what is the first thing you think? I'll tell you what you will think, "I sure hope that man is not planning a terrorist attack. Perhaps I should notify the proper authorities." But this is good. This means you are not thinking, "That homeless person is insane. I should murder the lot of them someday.... That someday is today, mutha' fucka'! (*cocks shotgun*) Let's hunt!"

You don't know the phone isn't functional. That man could very well be talking to his lawyer about the seagull who stole his refrigerator.

And you don't have to donate an old phone either. Have a headset that came with your phone but don't want to look like a faggity douche (I do not use faggit as slur against gay people, I simply use it to explain people like Hollywood folk who may use a headset) by using it? Donate that to a homeless person. As long as he is smart enough to not leave the cord hanging at his waste (which may be too much to expect from the subhuman creatures known as the homeless) , that's enough to make him look like a faggity douche... a faggity douche who is not homeless or crazy (just a faggity douche).

Anyway, tomorrow, when that homeless person asks you some change, give him change instead (the Obama variety); give him your old cell phone or unused headset (assuming you are not a faggity douche). Because, that food he wants may keep him alive for a few days, but the dignity you provide him will feed him for a lifetime (because, for all we know, homeless people can live off dignity alone. We simply don't know, because there has yet to be a single homeless person in the history of man who ever had any).

Anyway, food for thought.

Be seeing you.


P.S. OF COURSE IT WAS DESIGNED BY A YOUTUBE EMPLOYEE'S FOUR YEAR OLD SON. IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT!

Tomorrow's Christmas? For really reals?

My biological holiday clock is thrown off (that's right, I have a biological holiday clock. Jealous much?).

Tomorrow is Christmas, yet it doesn't feel like tomorrow is Christmas to me. Not one bit.

For me, the season leading up to Christmas has a certain progression. It all begins with Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving kicks off the Christmas season, with a feast held with my family, the day before Thanksgiving. Then, my sister and mother leave for a soccer tournament, so my dad and I feed off leftovers for the rest of the holiday weekend. There is much hanging out with Colorado friends and rejoicing. The Spike TV Bond marathon flashes across my screen as leftover turkey fills my gut. That is how the season starts.

The true face of Christmas. Forget Santa.

Because I was not allowed a trip home due to glorious retail work (trust me, I do prefer having a job to the alternative), for the first time in my insignificant life, there was no start to the season. Compounding this, Spike TV did not air a James Bond marathon. Bastards! It was instead aired on SyFy, but it's not the same! Spike always did it all weekend, SyFy (God, this is a horrible name for a network) did not. If not going home didn't fuck up my biological holiday clock, then the lack of a true James Bond marathon sure as hell did the job.

Roger Moore on SyFy is not the same...

So, without a kick off, the Holiday season never started for me. Growing up, the season always meant just that, actual seasons. Though Colorado does not consistently produce snow in the winter as out-of-staters believe, winter does mean coldness and that wintery smell to the air. Living in California these past four winters, this aspect of the holiday season has been lost. But at least, in past years I was there for winter at Thanksgiving, my body getting a feel for the season. Not the case this year, as I have not been to the ole' CO since August. As far as my body knows, Winter still hasn't started. Its still sunny and mild every day. Southern California really is (seasonless) hell on Earth.

So, no kick off, no Bond marathon, and no seasons. Compound that further with no Christmas commercials (thank God!). For the first time in my life I have DVR, so goodbye commercials. But, as hated as they are, they are a crucial part of my holiday season.

The third wise man.

The final build up to Christmas involves a week or so off. This year, Christmas week is among the busiest of the year (KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! Er... I mean...REEEEETAAAAAIL!). I even worked today, Christmas Eve. And there's still no sign of a Christmas Bond marathon (Spike TV's Thanksgiving Bond marathan was only matched by their 007 Days of Christmas).

So, how can tomorrow be Christmas? My body hasn't encountered any of the signs. I tried force feeding it Bond Blurays, but it just isn't working!

So, I'm not going to wish you Merry Christmas, because I don't want you to have a Merry Christmas! If I can't have my Christmas, why should you! Bahumbug!Be seeing you.

AVATARD

This is my blog about the masterpiece that is James Cameron's AVATAR. Why I loved it oh, so very much!

This is my third time attempting to write this blog. From scratch. It keeps getting boring as shit. Even by my standards. Let's try this again. (Hmmm, maybe this is fitting. AVATAR bored the shit out of me and maybe the only way I can express this pain is to bore the shit our of you...)

First off, I will warn you when Spoilers arise, if you have not seen the movie. Let's do it like this...

When you see this picture of a happy Smurf stop reading!

Until you see the picture of a Bored As Shit Smurf which means it is safe to read again!
Get it?

Let's practice.

What I really hated about AVATAR was...

...AVATAR spoiler. Spoil, spoil, spoil, spoil, spoily, spoil...
... Which is why AVATAR was a shitty movie.

Get it? If you haven't seen AVATAR and don't want it spoiled, than don't read between the happy and the bored Smurf. Because, between the happy and the bored smurf are the Avatar plot points. Get it?

Okay. Here we go, then.

AVATAR is perhaps the most overrated movie ever. People seem to love it, and I just don't get that. I mean, I understand how opinion works. But, what I don't understand is how the general opinion of AVATAR is so positive. I mean, just looking at the reviews and the Schmo response on joblo.com, the overall response to the film seems to be positive. But how can so many people like it?

I'm usually pretty in tune with general opinion (which I mainly gauge off the Joblo Schmo crowd). Even if I don't agree, I can understand how it can be so. I get why two of my loves, SPIDER-MAN 3 and INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL are most often received with scorn. It's easy to see why STAR TREK was loved by critics and Schmos alike, but TRANSFORMERS 2 was mainly trashed by both. I am in tune with my fellow Schmoes.

But I can't fathom how my Schmoes, who are normally above brainless action spectacle, are in love with AVATAR. Because that's all it is. Brainless. Action. Spectacle. Lots of CGI, very little narrative.

I feel it is best compared to STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (not 2009's TREK). That movie was a beauty in 1979. Wow-e, children, look at those flashy special effects. And, that movie WAS mainly special effects. Seriously, it was all glory shots of the Enterprise slowly floating through space to the Star Trek theme. A two hour movie with twenty minutes of plot. It had less plot than an hour episode of Star Trek!

So, today. STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE has aged horribly. Boring as shit. I bet the only reason people remember it at all is that it is part of a beloved franchise. Meanwhile, STAR WARS is still a favorite, because it didn't just have the flash, it had the substance to back up that flash. I'm talking enthralling story, complex characters, strong dialogue. STAR WARS was TREK with substance.

Today, we have AVATAR. All glory shots of the planet, Pandora, and no substance. The effects are great, but in thirty years, won't my children (should they even exist) be like, "What the fuck is this lint (slang for 'noise' in 2039)? All this movie is...er... is shots of these poorly animated blue aliens running through the jungle! This looks so fake!"

What I'm getting at, is though my peers seemed to have forgotten that special effects are only part a successful movie equation, my children will not when they see special effects that are thirty years out of date. And no, AVATAR's effects are not so perfect that they will still look great in 30 years. The aliens in AVATAR still look like what they are, a computer effect, not a real being. So they will look like an outdated computer effect as Cameron progresses technology farther into the future while continuing to forget about story.

So that's my overall issue with AVATAR. Here is a quick rundown of it's other short comings (in no particular order)...

1. Horrendous exposition. Early in AVATAR, one character explains to another character why they are on Pandora. Both characters know why they are there. So why must one character explain it so?

It's for the audience's benefit. 100%. Which is very shitty screenwriting, Mr. Cameron. If you have a character explaining something to a character who doesn't know the information, then that's okay. But the way it exists now never happens in real life. If you and I both know why we are on Pandora, then why would I explain it to you again? There's no one watching us that needs this information... unless we are in a shittily written movie...


A load of exposition is also given when Sully records his video logs. This is one way to do it, but it's a fucking lazy way. As a wanna-be writer, I have no respect for someone who pretty much allows his character to talk to the audience, telling them everything rather than showing them in a creative way. Cameron is apparently not as creative as his visual effects would suggest...

2. It's too fucking long! Okay, movies that are close to 3 hours can be epic (see THE DARK KNIGHT). But they can also be boring (see TRANSFORMERS 2, FUNNY PEOPLE, 2012). Why can't directors make shorter movies? STAR TREK was the best blockbuster of the year, and it was only two hours. Keep your movie close to 2 hours, unless you really have some substance fill those extra minutes with.

In AVATAR, I literally checked my cell phone at the 2 hour mark, expecting to be close to the end, plot wise. When I saw I had a full hour left to sit through, I almost walked out (and would have if I didn't have to wait another hour for my next film). I mean, nothing pisses me off like an hour long third act. Nothing bores me quite like one either...

3. So, as it turns out, there was no tension in AVATAR until the very end. Cameron, slyly, did not tell you the avatar rules. Is this like the MATRIX? Do people die if their avatar dies? Without explanation, we saw characters, like our protagonist Sully, run from threats and fight for their lives. Then, in the third act, when that gawky guy from DODGEBALL's avatar got shot... he was fine. So... Sully's life was never really in danger the entire movie (until that crazy general threatened his actual body in the third act). All these close calls would not have meant death at all, even had his Avatar gotten killed... Where's the fucking tension? Without tension, why do I give a flying fuck? (Answer, I don't. Hence the boredom).

4. The CGI is not a game changer, after all. AVATAR was supposed to change movies forever. The special effects where supposed to be unlike anything we've ever seen before. I've seen AVATAR and I can safely say, I don't get it.

Are the effects really any better than STAR TREK or TRANSFORMERS 2? The 3-D is something they didn't have, but it's hardly a game changer. UP was just as cool in 3-D. So, really, why are you people blown away by AVATAR (I'm not asking you, necessarily)? Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with the special effects, but there is nothing revolutionary about them either. STAR TREK was just as pretty. But IT had substance...

That being said, the 3-D is cool. I would like to see an entertaining action movie in 3-D next time. May I nominate BOND 23 or STAR TREK 2 for 3-D?

Anyway, that's my beef with AVATAR. I mean, the dialogue sucked on the whole and the story was uneventful, but that's all that needs to be said about that. Don't need a number for it or nothing.

Real quick, other really small, more knit-picky, opinion kind of stuff...

Why use crazy CGI to create humanoid aliens? Why not blow us away with something we have literally never seen before. You could have literally painted actor's blue and gotten the same effect as all that expensive CGI, but they would have looked real! Not like CGI...

If you're going to spend 500 mil on a movie, shouldn't it be more original? I've seen AVATAR before, Mr. Cameron, it's called FERN GULLY (I also hear DANCES WITH WOLVES is very similar). I know very few movies are completely original, but you can get more original than this...


What does the expensive rock they're after do? You over explain everything else, why not attempt to explain that?

Anyway, enough bitchin' for one night. I didn't like AVATAR. Whah! My daddy's in prison! Boo-frickity-hoo. But I had to write something. I have promises to keep.

And miles to go before I sleep.

And miles to go before I sleep.

But, seriously, my prediction is that in thirty years, you don't remember AVATAR either.

Be seeing you.

Just Bloggin'

This is me promising to write my Blog on a semi-regular basis. (And these next few months of silence are me breaking that promise).What will I write it about? I honestly don't know. Whatever the fuck I want to write it about, I guess.

Mediocre, boring shit. The shit I'm passionate about. The shit you couldn't give a flying fuck about. Movie shit mostly. Insightful shit from time to time. Day to day, absolutely boring shit, more often than not.
Will it be entertaining? Will it amuse you? Maybe. Sometimes. I'll try to make it amusing. Throw in some dick jokes, a gay joke or two, maybe a suicide joke, or an obscure movie reference.

And I'll try to be honest. Painfully honest. Kevin Smith honest. I may not give out my masturbation schedule (it's been a few days), but I'd like to be honest to a point of making this interesting. You know, give you fine folks (all 3 of you) an insight into my inner workings (or lack there of). Maybe treat this like an online diary (dairy?) from time to time.
Sound like a plan?

But, really, what's the fucking point?

I'm glad you asked, me. I just need to be writing. Keeping a fairly regular blog is good practice. Gives me a chance to keep my writing muscles in shape (not just my fingers, dickhead. My head... dickhead. [By which I mean my brain, moron]).

And all blogs are pointless anyway. So, really, what I'm doing is not anymore pointless than what other folks out on these fine interwebs are doing. So I take Solace in that. A Quantum of Solace (ladies and gentlemen, that is an example of a movie reference.). After all, The World is Not Enough. And Tomorrow Never Dies, so I'll live to Die Another Day. Goldeneye.So, yeah, this is me promising to write the blog. So this is my blog about bloggin'. About as mediocre as what's to come, I assure you. But at least is will be mediocrity in regular intervals (hopefully).

Anyway, that is all for now. I'm off to the Casino Royale. Gonna give someone the Goldfinger. It's for their eyes only (Fuck, I'm lame. But at least I amuse myself. Because, really, that's all that matters in the grand scheme of things).

Until next time, dear readers.

Be seeing you.

-- Dr. No