How Did Man Ignore Other Man Before Cell Phones?

The Cell Phone really is one of the greatest inventions in the history of mankind.

 

Even smaller, able to contact with even more people, and with even less dead zones than predicted by Star Trek in the 1960s (seriously every landing party seems lose contact with the Enterprise. If the thing didn't lose a signal on every planet the lives of sooo many Redshirts* could have been spared.), the cell phone allows us to never escape contact from our parents, disrupt movies, text while driving at high speeds, and never find a moment of piece and quiet. It's more of a game changer than Avatard could ever hope to be.  

  

*I think this pic adequately defines the term "Redshirt."

Its' really crazy what a cell phone can do. At Barnes and Noble, customers pull up their coupons on their "smart" phones. You can even scan a coupon's bar code right off the screen! Gadzooks! 

Really, though, I believe the Cell Phone's greatest application is it's extreme handiness in evading interaction with my fellow man. 

You heard me... er... read me... er... read what I wrote right. I did indeed say "evade interaction," as opposed to it's more obvious utilization in making communication easier. 

Allow me to explain. 

Last night I finally saw the film Wall Street. Like many franchises before it (Die Hard, Kevin Smith movies, Star Trek) it took the impending release of a sequel to attract me to the original (I just saw the trailer for Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps this weekend). Say what you will about reboots and delayed sequels, but they certainly increase interest in the original film.

In Wall Street, during the opening credits, Charlie Sheen gets into a packed elevator with a bunch of other New York schmoes. Everyone in the elevator spends the ride to their floor ignoring one another by simply staring at the floor counter. I was like, "Awkward....."

I much prefer my way. 

Get caught in an elevator with another person from your building? Easy. Whip out your... let me finish... cell phone (You thought I was going to say Penis! [My words may have said call phone, but my eyes did indeed say Penis.]) and pretend to engage yourself by checking an imaginary text message (If you jumped the gun and accidentally did whip out your penis, there are still ways to pretend to engage yourself, don't you worry.).

Or, if you're no good at pretending because your parents didn't let you watch Barney as a child, then go ahead and send a text message. See how your bro is doing, ask how many beers deep your buddy who's still in college is, or say hi to your mother (She'd love to hear from you, trust me.). Or, even better, go ahead and read this blog in the elevator. Cell phones are capable of many wondrous feats like that.

(The main reason I have the creative smarts and aspirations to work in a creative field while you're studying something boring and fact based? I watched more Barney as a child. So I have an imagination. Remember... "Barney was a dinosaur from our imag-i-na-tion!").

Cell phones have gotten me out of many tight jams (aka human interactions) in my years as an anti-social serial killer.  In college, rarely a day went by when I didn't whip out my... cell phone... to avoid contact with another individual. Walking across campus and see that kid I always hate talking to? Ah, shit. Just got a text message, so I'll be looking at my screen and not even see him. Oops. 

On very rare occasions, I'd put the phone to my ear, even though there was no one on the other end, just so I could avoid the painful human interaction that burns my sensitive alien parts. But how did man ever survive the ride in an elevator or trek across a college campus before there was something as distracting as a cell phone?

Maybe man did whip out his penis more regularly? Or, maybe he just had to grin and bear it, having polite conversations with complete strangers and acquaintances he'd rather not have. Either way, the world must have been a terrifying place.

So, next time a someone whips out his...cell phone... ruining the movie you just paid $13 to see, don't immediately jump out of your seat and force feed him popcorn until his stomach explodes and he dies from internal bleeding. First, consider how much better life is now that you have a cellphone to keep you from interacting with your peers... then force feed that fucker popcorn until his stomach explodes and he dies from internal bleeding. Or beat him to death with his own cell phone. Whichever you prefer (the second option IS more poetic.).

And don't forget to be generous with your old cell phone. If you donate your cell phone to a homeless person, it will not only serve to make them appear less crazy, they can also use it to ignore their peers. 

Their filthy, sub-human, homeless peers.

Cheers.

I am not a dick.

I may be a parasite, but I am not a dick.

But I do play one on the internet.

One of my dear friends, also a dear reader, accused me of being a horrible person. Maybe it was my comments about homeless people being "putrid human beings" and "subhuman creatures" or maybe it was when I stated "fucking homeless" and then "fucking homeless!" Maybe it was when I proved I was not racist by saying I hate all people equally. Maybe it was when I told the man who invented roller shoes to take his time machine and use it to kill his infant self (Hell yes, this blog posting has become a clip show). Or perhaps it was when I called people who use headsets "faggity douches."

Look, I'm not really an asshole. I don't hate as much as I appear to hate on this blog. It's more a character, like Stephen Colbert on his show vs. the real Stephen Colbert. The Nick Doll who blogs is an exaggerated version of the real Nick Doll (I've always wanted to refer to myself in third person on the net... besides on a Facebook Status or Twitter Update).

I am an unfunny, much less clever version of this man.

I may actually have nothing but animosity toward people who feel entitled enough to ask for a store to open for them after it has closed or who jay walk at a slow, greedy pace so oncoming traffic must slow down as not to shatter their windshield and get blood and guts all over their car. But I would never act hostile towards such a person were I to encounter them face to face, either on the street or in the retail setting. Because I may hate them secretly, but I don't want to be a dick.

I may ignore homeless people on the street when they ask for change, but I don't actually consider them subhuman or putrid creatures. I just don't want to give them money, and ignoring them is easier than saying no (and, come on, everyone does it! [Like cigarettes.]).

So, I am not a dick.

But I will continue to act like a dick on the internet.

Donate Your Cell Phone to a Homeless Man

One person can make a difference!

That's right, you can make a difference! Just you! All by yourself! Like a big boy/girl!

It's true. Just look at all these people who have made a difference...


Adolf Hitler

Joseph Stalin

Ghengis Khan


Ok, so all those people were evil. Just look at all the non-evil individuals who have made a difference...

Luke Skywalker
James Bond

Khan (I mean, Khaaaaaaan!)


Okay, so those were all fictional. And Khan was evil AND fictional. But there are non-evil, real, flesh and blood people who have made a difference too...

I just can't think of anyway.

The point is YOU can make a difference. Right here and right now (or, at the very least, right near here in a time slightly later than now [cause you're reading this blog at present]).

All you need to do is give your old cell phone to a homeless person. It doesn't need to have service. It doesn't have to hold a charge. It just needs to look like a cell phone.

It's a win/win!

First, the cell phone is recycled! So it's not thrown in some landfill where it eventually gets swallowed by a mutant (following the nuclear apocalypse of 2012 [damn those Mayans, there were right! But so was Planet of the Apes...]) who doesn't know better, causing it to choke to death (or, if it survives, the phone is still lodged in its mutant throat, so the poor creature can no longer eat, so it very slowly [and very painfully] starves to death. It's kind of comical really, the mutant gets so skinny that your old cell phone is visible, bulging out of it's skinny little neck). I know you've been saving all your cell phones to use the parts to construct your time machine and/or robot slave, but think about more than just yourself for a moment here! Who ever heard of anyone changing the world with a time machine!

Looking pretty insane...

Second (as in the second win in this win/win scenario), the homeless person who receives your phone no longer looks insane! Let me explain briefly (if I am capable of this).

All homeless people talk to themselves. This is a scientific fact. It has been this way since the beginning of time (well, at least since the beginning of homes).

They mutter to themselves, the carry out one-sided (sometimes two-sided) conversations, and they most certainly shout at the top of their lungs that their paper bag has been stolen by scarecrows. They appear insane. Each and every one of them. Fucking homeless.

But with cell phones, they need not look crazy! If you give a homeless person a cell phone (a much better choice than giving a mouse a cookie, because if you give a mouse a cookie, you are
just asking for a rodent infestation [which is preferable to a homeless infestation. Fucking homeless!), you are giving them their dignity back (what little dignity such putrid human beings like the homeless deserve).

Yay! Dignity!

If you see a dirty bearded man, dressed in rags, talking gibberish with a cell phone next to his ear, what is the first thing you think? I'll tell you what you will think, "I sure hope that man is not planning a terrorist attack. Perhaps I should notify the proper authorities." But this is good. This means you are not thinking, "That homeless person is insane. I should murder the lot of them someday.... That someday is today, mutha' fucka'! (*cocks shotgun*) Let's hunt!"

You don't know the phone isn't functional. That man could very well be talking to his lawyer about the seagull who stole his refrigerator.

And you don't have to donate an old phone either. Have a headset that came with your phone but don't want to look like a faggity douche (I do not use faggit as slur against gay people, I simply use it to explain people like Hollywood folk who may use a headset) by using it? Donate that to a homeless person. As long as he is smart enough to not leave the cord hanging at his waste (which may be too much to expect from the subhuman creatures known as the homeless) , that's enough to make him look like a faggity douche... a faggity douche who is not homeless or crazy (just a faggity douche).

Anyway, tomorrow, when that homeless person asks you some change, give him change instead (the Obama variety); give him your old cell phone or unused headset (assuming you are not a faggity douche). Because, that food he wants may keep him alive for a few days, but the dignity you provide him will feed him for a lifetime (because, for all we know, homeless people can live off dignity alone. We simply don't know, because there has yet to be a single homeless person in the history of man who ever had any).

Anyway, food for thought.

Be seeing you.


P.S. OF COURSE IT WAS DESIGNED BY A YOUTUBE EMPLOYEE'S FOUR YEAR OLD SON. IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT!