STAR TREK: Ranked or Reaching the Full Potential of My Nerdiness

I've finally done it. I've finally  reached my full potential of nerdiness.

I was always fated to reach this level. It was destiny. I've always loved Star Warsm so the seed of Sci-Fi was there. My father was a fan of Star Trek (not a Trekkie, but a fan. When I was very little, he was a Vulcan once for Halloween.). So it seems unavoidable that I would one day become obessed with the Trek.

It started with 2009's brand new take on Star Trek. I had always avoided Trek before, being a hardcore Star Wars fan in my youth. Trek was the enemy, as it was obvious to me then that one could only like Star Wars or Star Trek. There was no room for both.  But, Goddamn J.J. Abrams. Sure, his TV shows are nothing to write home about (fuck Lost), but he's a fantastic feature director. Mission: Impossible III was fantastic, and so was Star Trek (it made my Top 9 of '09 list afterall).

But Abrams' Star Trek wasn't just a fucking great film, it was a goddamn gateway drug! I loved the characters so  much and wanted more. More Kirk, more Spock, and most importantly, more Dr. Leonard "I'm a doctor not a..." Bones McCoy. So I moved on to the original movies, vowing to limit my Trek exposure to the adventures of this original trio. So, I watched all 6 of the orginal movies and the hunger for Trek was quenched... for a time.

Then, Star Trek (2009) came out on Bluray. And I began watching the original series on TV, finding that I suddenly loved it (I had tried watching it freshman year of college and was bored with it after 3 episodes). The original series really is Science Fiction at it's absolute best. The plots are classic Sci Fi and the show far surpasses all other Sci Fi besides the original Star Wars Trilogy (yes, I'm saying Star Trek: The Original Series is superior to the new Trek movie, 2001: A Space Odyssey, new Star Wars, and any other Sci Fi you want to challenge my statement with... but that is another nerdy blog for another time).

So, I wanted more. I moved onto the Next Generation movies. And once I finish the Original Series, I shall consume the Next Generation TV series. Because Star Trek is awesome (in a nerdy way, not an awesome way)! It has far more back story than Lord of the Rings, far more tradition and order than Star Wars; it is perhaps the most well thought out and developed franchise of all time (perhaps). Gene Roddenberry knew his shit (the book about the creation of the original series is a must read for any wanna be TV writer, in it his show bible, first draft outlines, pitches, and scripts are revealed).

But, I did not write this blog to convert you to Trek. I wrote it to rank all 11 movies. Because I love writing about what I enjoy and I love listing things. There are no spoilers in this blog, simply a quick one sentence summary of each film involving no twists or 2nd act plot points. It's simply a way for me to explain why I choose the order I did, because you care so very much about what I think. Plus, if you do take my advice and watch a few Trek films, you know which ones to check out and which to avoid, if you aren't as crazy as I am in deciding to watch all 11.

Without further to do, another Nick Doll list... Engage!

11. Star Trek IX: Insurrection  -  A bunch of aliens try to relocate a bunch of other aliens off their planet so they can harvest the planet's youth preserving properties.

My thoughts: Meh. Very "meh." Sure, I get that this is all allegory for our treatment of the Native Americans, but why do I give a shit? The villains look awesome, but never seem that terrifying a foe. A pretty worthless movie all things said and done.
 

10. Star Trek VII: Generations -  Captain Picard must stop a madman from destroying a planet just so he can get back to the Nexus: a place where all your greatest joy's are realized. This involves a team up with Captian Kirk.

My Thoughts: The best part about this movie is that Kirk is in it. And Kirk is more badass than any member of Next Generation, so that is this film's only saving grace. The villain is alright, his plot kinda of interesting, as is the promise of the Nexus and the tempting power it has over Picard and Kirk. The showdown is pretty alright, but nothing spectacular. Decent movie in it's own right, just slightly better than "meh."

9. Star Trek VIII: First Contact - The Borg, a race of machines that assimilate living organisms into their species or something, travel back in time to 2060 something to infest the human race. Following them through their time warp, only Picard and the crew of the Enterprise can stop them, even as their ship is infested by the Borg from the inside out.

My Thoughts: The Borg are actually a pretty intriguing foe. The way the Enterprise is literally being infested from it's most inner decks outward is kinda cool. And the Borg Queen has her fair share of interesting villain monologues. Also, the plot involving First Contact between humans and an alien race in 2060-something  has a cool finale, though all the scenes leading up to said finale are a drag and simply steal momentum from the Borg assault on the Enterprise. Time Travel is treated too lightly here, as is usually the case with Trek (but was not with the new one). It's way too easy to simply travel back and time and return.
 

8. Star Trek I - The Motion Picture - The newly outfitted Enterprise returns to duty, rushing to intercept a gigantic ship that has entered Federation space with a collision course for Earth, destroying every ship in it's path.

My Thoughts: God. The plot is cool, but I've said it before and I will say it again, there's like 20 minutes of plot in this 2 hour movie. It's got the Avatar syndrome, and bad. An hour long episode of the TV series has more plot than this feature. The ending is pretty cool though, even if it wasn't worth sitting through an hour and a half of "state-of-the-art" (in the 80s) glory shots of the Enterprise flying through space and through bigger ships.

7. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country - The Klingons and the The Federation are ready to negotiate peace, when there is an attack on a Klingon ship for which the crew of the Enterprise are framed for (God, I feel so nerdy just writing these summaries)! With peace hanging in the balance, Kirk and Bones are taken prisoner by the Klingons.

My Thoughts: I love Bones. And this movie gives Bones some pretty decent screen time when he is sent to a Klingon prison world with Kirk. So, that alone makes this movie worthwhile for me. It also has the classic, two Kirks, "I'm the real Kirk, shoot him, not me!" scene (which was interestingly enough also done in the original TV show). This scene always kills me, in a good way.

6. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock - After the finale of Wrath Of Khan, the crew of the Enterprise does just what the title says they do. They come up against some very dangerous Klingons, the leader of which is played by Doc Brown himself, Christopher Lloyd!

My Thoughts: The best part about this movie is Christopher Lloyd. He makes an awesome Klingon. That's really all I have to say about it.

5. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home - When a giant ship neutralizes all the Federation ships around Earth, it is up Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise to travel back to 1980s San Francisco to capture a species extinct in their time, a humpback whale, the only species that can communicate with the alien craft (yes, this one is just as zany and bizarre as the plot suggests).

My Thoughts: This one is so fucking wacky! Just read that plot again! They go back in time... to get a whale! You basically have the crew trying to fit in with people from the 1980s. Classic. There's a great convo where Kirk tries to explain curse words to Spock... just... classic. Time Travel is dealt with more class and care here than in First Contact.

 4. Star Trek X: Nemesis - Picard faces off against the ultimate Nemesis, a clone of himself grown by the Romulans, who will stop at nothing to destroy Earth and the Federation.

My Thoughts: Easily the best of the Next Generation Treks, I actually liked it better than most the original ones too, even with it's lack of Kirk, Spock, and Bones. That's because I love plots with doppelganger villains, so who better for Picard to face off against than his clone? Tom Hardy expertly plays this younger version of Picard. God, that actor rocks. Just check out Bronson where he is Bronson the most dangerous British prisoner of all time, or RocknRolla where he is Handsome Bob aka the gay member of the Wild Bunch. And word on the street is that he may play Mad Max next. Tom Hardy is going places. There are some really great scenes hear between Hardy and Patrick Stewart, playing off of the shadowy reflection idea a la Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Plus, one of my Barnes and Noble managers, Nick (no relation), is in a deleted scene. Badass!

3. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier - The Enterprise is captured by a madman, who wants to take it outside the reaches of the Galaxy to find God.

My Thoughts: The plot isn't necessarily that great, but this one is my third favorite because it plays up the triangle of the friendship between Kirk, Spock, and Bones. All 3 get nearly equal screen time, something Bones almost never gets (though he absolutely deserves it). Hopefully, the new second Trek movie coming out in two years takes a cue from this movie and plays up the heroic threesome (a super sexy threesome indeed) more than the first did. Because I love me some Bones.

2. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - Kirk faces off against his most brilliant foe from the television series, Khan, who he left stranded on a barely habitable planet after their last encounter.

My Thoughts: Khaaan! Kirk's greatest foe makes for Star Trek's second most exciting adventure. If you see one Trek movie that wasn't directed by Abrams, see this one. It is one of the most referenced Sci Fi films of all time. A true classic.

1. Star Trek (2009) - The origin story of the Enterprise and her crew (if you haven't seen this one you really are a []).

My Thoughts: I shouldn't have to say anything about this one. Because you've seen it. It's the most action packed, well written and acted Trek film of them all. The gateway drug into a great franchise. Super successful as the world's first prequel/sequel as well, resetting the Trek universe while staying true to the source. Masterful.


There. I got that Trek Blog out of my system (for now...).

Live Long and Prosper! (Ha ha! My nerdiness knows no bounds... boldly going where I have never gone before...)

Donate Your Cell Phone to a Homeless Man

One person can make a difference!

That's right, you can make a difference! Just you! All by yourself! Like a big boy/girl!

It's true. Just look at all these people who have made a difference...


Adolf Hitler

Joseph Stalin

Ghengis Khan


Ok, so all those people were evil. Just look at all the non-evil individuals who have made a difference...

Luke Skywalker
James Bond

Khan (I mean, Khaaaaaaan!)


Okay, so those were all fictional. And Khan was evil AND fictional. But there are non-evil, real, flesh and blood people who have made a difference too...

I just can't think of anyway.

The point is YOU can make a difference. Right here and right now (or, at the very least, right near here in a time slightly later than now [cause you're reading this blog at present]).

All you need to do is give your old cell phone to a homeless person. It doesn't need to have service. It doesn't have to hold a charge. It just needs to look like a cell phone.

It's a win/win!

First, the cell phone is recycled! So it's not thrown in some landfill where it eventually gets swallowed by a mutant (following the nuclear apocalypse of 2012 [damn those Mayans, there were right! But so was Planet of the Apes...]) who doesn't know better, causing it to choke to death (or, if it survives, the phone is still lodged in its mutant throat, so the poor creature can no longer eat, so it very slowly [and very painfully] starves to death. It's kind of comical really, the mutant gets so skinny that your old cell phone is visible, bulging out of it's skinny little neck). I know you've been saving all your cell phones to use the parts to construct your time machine and/or robot slave, but think about more than just yourself for a moment here! Who ever heard of anyone changing the world with a time machine!

Looking pretty insane...

Second (as in the second win in this win/win scenario), the homeless person who receives your phone no longer looks insane! Let me explain briefly (if I am capable of this).

All homeless people talk to themselves. This is a scientific fact. It has been this way since the beginning of time (well, at least since the beginning of homes).

They mutter to themselves, the carry out one-sided (sometimes two-sided) conversations, and they most certainly shout at the top of their lungs that their paper bag has been stolen by scarecrows. They appear insane. Each and every one of them. Fucking homeless.

But with cell phones, they need not look crazy! If you give a homeless person a cell phone (a much better choice than giving a mouse a cookie, because if you give a mouse a cookie, you are
just asking for a rodent infestation [which is preferable to a homeless infestation. Fucking homeless!), you are giving them their dignity back (what little dignity such putrid human beings like the homeless deserve).

Yay! Dignity!

If you see a dirty bearded man, dressed in rags, talking gibberish with a cell phone next to his ear, what is the first thing you think? I'll tell you what you will think, "I sure hope that man is not planning a terrorist attack. Perhaps I should notify the proper authorities." But this is good. This means you are not thinking, "That homeless person is insane. I should murder the lot of them someday.... That someday is today, mutha' fucka'! (*cocks shotgun*) Let's hunt!"

You don't know the phone isn't functional. That man could very well be talking to his lawyer about the seagull who stole his refrigerator.

And you don't have to donate an old phone either. Have a headset that came with your phone but don't want to look like a faggity douche (I do not use faggit as slur against gay people, I simply use it to explain people like Hollywood folk who may use a headset) by using it? Donate that to a homeless person. As long as he is smart enough to not leave the cord hanging at his waste (which may be too much to expect from the subhuman creatures known as the homeless) , that's enough to make him look like a faggity douche... a faggity douche who is not homeless or crazy (just a faggity douche).

Anyway, tomorrow, when that homeless person asks you some change, give him change instead (the Obama variety); give him your old cell phone or unused headset (assuming you are not a faggity douche). Because, that food he wants may keep him alive for a few days, but the dignity you provide him will feed him for a lifetime (because, for all we know, homeless people can live off dignity alone. We simply don't know, because there has yet to be a single homeless person in the history of man who ever had any).

Anyway, food for thought.

Be seeing you.


P.S. OF COURSE IT WAS DESIGNED BY A YOUTUBE EMPLOYEE'S FOUR YEAR OLD SON. IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT!

Tomorrow's Christmas? For really reals?

My biological holiday clock is thrown off (that's right, I have a biological holiday clock. Jealous much?).

Tomorrow is Christmas, yet it doesn't feel like tomorrow is Christmas to me. Not one bit.

For me, the season leading up to Christmas has a certain progression. It all begins with Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving kicks off the Christmas season, with a feast held with my family, the day before Thanksgiving. Then, my sister and mother leave for a soccer tournament, so my dad and I feed off leftovers for the rest of the holiday weekend. There is much hanging out with Colorado friends and rejoicing. The Spike TV Bond marathon flashes across my screen as leftover turkey fills my gut. That is how the season starts.

The true face of Christmas. Forget Santa.

Because I was not allowed a trip home due to glorious retail work (trust me, I do prefer having a job to the alternative), for the first time in my insignificant life, there was no start to the season. Compounding this, Spike TV did not air a James Bond marathon. Bastards! It was instead aired on SyFy, but it's not the same! Spike always did it all weekend, SyFy (God, this is a horrible name for a network) did not. If not going home didn't fuck up my biological holiday clock, then the lack of a true James Bond marathon sure as hell did the job.

Roger Moore on SyFy is not the same...

So, without a kick off, the Holiday season never started for me. Growing up, the season always meant just that, actual seasons. Though Colorado does not consistently produce snow in the winter as out-of-staters believe, winter does mean coldness and that wintery smell to the air. Living in California these past four winters, this aspect of the holiday season has been lost. But at least, in past years I was there for winter at Thanksgiving, my body getting a feel for the season. Not the case this year, as I have not been to the ole' CO since August. As far as my body knows, Winter still hasn't started. Its still sunny and mild every day. Southern California really is (seasonless) hell on Earth.

So, no kick off, no Bond marathon, and no seasons. Compound that further with no Christmas commercials (thank God!). For the first time in my life I have DVR, so goodbye commercials. But, as hated as they are, they are a crucial part of my holiday season.

The third wise man.

The final build up to Christmas involves a week or so off. This year, Christmas week is among the busiest of the year (KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! Er... I mean...REEEEETAAAAAIL!). I even worked today, Christmas Eve. And there's still no sign of a Christmas Bond marathon (Spike TV's Thanksgiving Bond marathan was only matched by their 007 Days of Christmas).

So, how can tomorrow be Christmas? My body hasn't encountered any of the signs. I tried force feeding it Bond Blurays, but it just isn't working!

So, I'm not going to wish you Merry Christmas, because I don't want you to have a Merry Christmas! If I can't have my Christmas, why should you! Bahumbug!Be seeing you.