Bringing Change (Change I didn't even promise!)

That's right, ladies and gentlemen.

Not one day on the job and I have brought Change to the 3rd floor as King of DVD/Bluray Land. CHANGE! (And not simply the change I deliver to the visitors to DVD/Bluray Land when they purchase my subjects as slaves, using cash money.)

Today I was shown the ropes. All the duties I would be preforming as King (also known as not-actually-a-lead DVD/Music lead).

My first act (after learning said duties) was bringing Change to the third floor. Horrible, horrible, change.

It wasn't even my idea. It was God's (also known as the third floor manager). God spoke down upon me, saying, "Perhaps we should move the Blurays."

You see, all has not been well in DVD/Bluray Land. All the Bluray people have been held prisoner, kept captive behind the counter. This is for two reasons. Because there is not enough space in the rest of my moderately-sized kingdom for them to live and because it keeps them away from the Vikings that enter our store, stealing and raping the more expensive peoples... like the Bluray race.

Today, God said down unto me, that perhaps we could move the Bluray people out into the kingdom, freeing them from their prison behind mine royal counter (That is not a typo. By saying "Mine" instead of "My" it simply sounds more royal, don't yine think [again, Yine sounds more royal than mine, don't yine think?]?).

He said that, perhaps the people of Bluray would be more easily sold as slaves if they were more easily browsed out in the kingdom. And rightfully so. It is hard to pick a good slave from over a counter. Especially if you are not sure which slave you have come for and you simply wish to browse slaves.

Yes. Such Change I would bring to the people. My first day, and I am vowing to close down a prison! Always a smart decision for a ruler to make.

Alas, the prison could not be closed (Who saw that coming? Not my nonexistant advisers! That's for sure!). Because, in order to free the Bluray people, other people would have to take their place. Fore there is simply not enough space in the kingdom unless some subjects are kept in prison (wouldn't that be a nice reversal, California?).

Who better than the DVD people of the Health/Fitness and Music/Performance tribes? Because who the fuck goes to Barnes and Noble to buy a workout DVD or a DVD of Madonna's latest concert?

So, like Jean Luc Picard, I made it so!

We began the great exodus. A moving of peoples. First, we had to shift the DVD tribes of Health/Fitness and Music/Performance out of their homes. Needless to say, it went much smoother than the events of District 9.

Such Change required all the tribes of the DVD people be relocated. All must loose the homes they resided for generations for the greater good. I am such a mighty king that the suffering of my people does not cause me to loose sight of this greater good.

For you see, the people of Bluray were to be located to the left side of the oval that is the kingdom of DVD/Bluray Land. For it is here that they can be most easily watched by their divine ruler, so that Vikings do not pillage and rape them (some Vikings do have penis [Penises? Peni?] of such a small sized that they literally can have sex with a Bluray, though the results ain't pretty! Trust me on that one [I love Blurays soooo much {And with that little joke, I have finally crossed the invisible, arbitrary line of what is acceptable and what goes too far}!]!).

The right side of the kingdom, where the Tribes of Health/Fitness and Music/Performance tribes lived for generation upon generation, are in a blind spot where I cannot protect my peoples (because honestly, who would steal this garbage?). So they were moved out and all other tribes were shifted right to make room for the people of Bluray! For they are my chosen people! Who I love above all else (I would make a great God...[aka Manager...])!

So, I brought great Change to today!

Great Change that I could not complete....

So, tomorrow, either the Change is done when I arrive or I must complete it! But at least Change has begun!

And for someone who never promised to bring Change at all, that ain't half bad.

I am not Eric Millegan

Yes, not able to leave well enough I alone, I return to my "I am" franchise with a delayed fourth chapter, one that is sure to disappoint both because of how beloved the original trilogy has become and because of the massive expectations placed on this long-time-coming fourth part. Sure, I may be cashing in on the incredible wealth generated by this tried and true franchise and I may not be in the same place creatively that I was in 7 days ago when I wrote the original trilogy, but the fans have demanded it (about half of them, at least. The other half are strongly against it) so here it is...

I am not Eric Millegan.

"Who?" You may be asking.

"Not me," I say, "I am not Eric Millegan."

And it's true. I am not Eric Millegan. I may have been a little iffy on the truth a few times in the past, but now I am being straight with you. Totally and absolutely straight. Unlike Eric Millegan.

Eric Millegan (not me) is an actor best known for his role on Bones (no, this role did not involve him hopping [hoping?] on top of the good Dr., Bones McCoy. I am talking about the Fox TV show, you idiot). He is a regular cast member who eventually turns out to be serial killer, so we do have that in common (the serial killing I mean).

I do not watch Bones (the TV show, I do watch Bones the character on Star Trek) so I was not aware of this actor or story arch. But, when I came to work at Barnes and Noble, a fellow coworker asked me if I had been on Bones. "No," I says to her, "If I were on Bones why would I be working here?" I says.

Of course, I later learned that just because you are a semi-sucessful actor doesn't mean you won't latter end up working at Barnes and Noble. As touched on yesterday, one of my managers, Nick (no relation), was in a deleted scene in Star Trek: Nemesis. And here it is (Click on "Here," here or there [no! Don't click on "there" you idiot! My my, you are stupid today]). He is the one introducing the new chair to Captain Picard. It's so weird seeing someone you see nearly everyday alongside big-time-hot-shot-movie-actor-people!

But, anyways, that is beside the point (or, before the point I guess more aptly describes where it actually is). And the point is this... apparently I look like someone on Bones (see, the point did come after).

But, I gave this warning that I could have an evil-serial-killer-clone out there no credence. Just because one person thinks something, doesn't make it so (unless that one person is the infallible emperor of your political party).

So, I put it out of my mind. And out of my mind it remained for 3 long months (if only the urge to kill would stay away for half as long).

Until, last week.

Last week I got an oil change.

And it changed everything.

Not just my oil.

Though that was changed as well.

I hope (is there really a way to tell? How do I know these people aren't just taking my money and telling me they changed the oil. I ain't no rocket scientist. Nor am I a mechanic, who would probably be better suited to figure out if he was getting ripped off on oil changes. Though, why would he not just preform the oil change himself? And isn't being a rocket scientist just a more advanced form of being a mechanic? I don't know. Why are you asking me this? I'm not a rocket scientist. Not am I a mechanic...).

Anyway, the mechanic changed my oil (again, I hope he did at least) and the teller CHANGED MY LIFE!!! (Sorta. But not really though).

She says to me, "Were you on Bones?" she says.

A ha! So my coworker was not just delusional (perhaps I should not have accused her of such. I do feel a little guilty about all the verbal put-downs relating to her sanity... but only because she killed herself.). If one person thinks something, it may not be truth (except in the exception I already provided you with, dear readers), but if two people think something, independently of knowing one another, it is absolute fact. Which is how I know the end is Nye (but why would Bill Nye bring the end? All he wants to do is learn us some science. Perhaps science really has killed God...).

I must look like this Eric Millegan person. Though I do not see it, perhaps you do, dear readers. You've seen the photos sprinkled throughout this blog. Do I look like this Eric Millegan person? Two people have not simply thought I looked like him, they have confused me with him. Which confuses me, because we do not look that much alike. Do we?

We must. How could two people think something that isn't true? (Answer: they can't. It is impossible.)

So, new career plan. I am going to kill Eric Millegan, both providing me with a new career opportunity and quenching my blood lust, shutting up that voice in my head for another week or so. After all, Mr. Millegan's character is returning to Bones this season. So, I can impersonate him and become a minor TV actor! Hollywood, consider yourself ass raped.

But, according to the interwebs, Eric is gay...

Oh well. Everyone learns in film school that you aren't going to make it unless you're willing to suck a few cocks. I guess this is what they meant.

I am not Eric Millegan.

But I will suck a cock if it means stealing his life and getting away with his murder (but not really, Penises [Peniss? Peni?] are icky).

STAR TREK: Ranked or Reaching the Full Potential of My Nerdiness

I've finally done it. I've finally  reached my full potential of nerdiness.

I was always fated to reach this level. It was destiny. I've always loved Star Warsm so the seed of Sci-Fi was there. My father was a fan of Star Trek (not a Trekkie, but a fan. When I was very little, he was a Vulcan once for Halloween.). So it seems unavoidable that I would one day become obessed with the Trek.

It started with 2009's brand new take on Star Trek. I had always avoided Trek before, being a hardcore Star Wars fan in my youth. Trek was the enemy, as it was obvious to me then that one could only like Star Wars or Star Trek. There was no room for both.  But, Goddamn J.J. Abrams. Sure, his TV shows are nothing to write home about (fuck Lost), but he's a fantastic feature director. Mission: Impossible III was fantastic, and so was Star Trek (it made my Top 9 of '09 list afterall).

But Abrams' Star Trek wasn't just a fucking great film, it was a goddamn gateway drug! I loved the characters so  much and wanted more. More Kirk, more Spock, and most importantly, more Dr. Leonard "I'm a doctor not a..." Bones McCoy. So I moved on to the original movies, vowing to limit my Trek exposure to the adventures of this original trio. So, I watched all 6 of the orginal movies and the hunger for Trek was quenched... for a time.

Then, Star Trek (2009) came out on Bluray. And I began watching the original series on TV, finding that I suddenly loved it (I had tried watching it freshman year of college and was bored with it after 3 episodes). The original series really is Science Fiction at it's absolute best. The plots are classic Sci Fi and the show far surpasses all other Sci Fi besides the original Star Wars Trilogy (yes, I'm saying Star Trek: The Original Series is superior to the new Trek movie, 2001: A Space Odyssey, new Star Wars, and any other Sci Fi you want to challenge my statement with... but that is another nerdy blog for another time).

So, I wanted more. I moved onto the Next Generation movies. And once I finish the Original Series, I shall consume the Next Generation TV series. Because Star Trek is awesome (in a nerdy way, not an awesome way)! It has far more back story than Lord of the Rings, far more tradition and order than Star Wars; it is perhaps the most well thought out and developed franchise of all time (perhaps). Gene Roddenberry knew his shit (the book about the creation of the original series is a must read for any wanna be TV writer, in it his show bible, first draft outlines, pitches, and scripts are revealed).

But, I did not write this blog to convert you to Trek. I wrote it to rank all 11 movies. Because I love writing about what I enjoy and I love listing things. There are no spoilers in this blog, simply a quick one sentence summary of each film involving no twists or 2nd act plot points. It's simply a way for me to explain why I choose the order I did, because you care so very much about what I think. Plus, if you do take my advice and watch a few Trek films, you know which ones to check out and which to avoid, if you aren't as crazy as I am in deciding to watch all 11.

Without further to do, another Nick Doll list... Engage!

11. Star Trek IX: Insurrection  -  A bunch of aliens try to relocate a bunch of other aliens off their planet so they can harvest the planet's youth preserving properties.

My thoughts: Meh. Very "meh." Sure, I get that this is all allegory for our treatment of the Native Americans, but why do I give a shit? The villains look awesome, but never seem that terrifying a foe. A pretty worthless movie all things said and done.
 

10. Star Trek VII: Generations -  Captain Picard must stop a madman from destroying a planet just so he can get back to the Nexus: a place where all your greatest joy's are realized. This involves a team up with Captian Kirk.

My Thoughts: The best part about this movie is that Kirk is in it. And Kirk is more badass than any member of Next Generation, so that is this film's only saving grace. The villain is alright, his plot kinda of interesting, as is the promise of the Nexus and the tempting power it has over Picard and Kirk. The showdown is pretty alright, but nothing spectacular. Decent movie in it's own right, just slightly better than "meh."

9. Star Trek VIII: First Contact - The Borg, a race of machines that assimilate living organisms into their species or something, travel back in time to 2060 something to infest the human race. Following them through their time warp, only Picard and the crew of the Enterprise can stop them, even as their ship is infested by the Borg from the inside out.

My Thoughts: The Borg are actually a pretty intriguing foe. The way the Enterprise is literally being infested from it's most inner decks outward is kinda cool. And the Borg Queen has her fair share of interesting villain monologues. Also, the plot involving First Contact between humans and an alien race in 2060-something  has a cool finale, though all the scenes leading up to said finale are a drag and simply steal momentum from the Borg assault on the Enterprise. Time Travel is treated too lightly here, as is usually the case with Trek (but was not with the new one). It's way too easy to simply travel back and time and return.
 

8. Star Trek I - The Motion Picture - The newly outfitted Enterprise returns to duty, rushing to intercept a gigantic ship that has entered Federation space with a collision course for Earth, destroying every ship in it's path.

My Thoughts: God. The plot is cool, but I've said it before and I will say it again, there's like 20 minutes of plot in this 2 hour movie. It's got the Avatar syndrome, and bad. An hour long episode of the TV series has more plot than this feature. The ending is pretty cool though, even if it wasn't worth sitting through an hour and a half of "state-of-the-art" (in the 80s) glory shots of the Enterprise flying through space and through bigger ships.

7. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country - The Klingons and the The Federation are ready to negotiate peace, when there is an attack on a Klingon ship for which the crew of the Enterprise are framed for (God, I feel so nerdy just writing these summaries)! With peace hanging in the balance, Kirk and Bones are taken prisoner by the Klingons.

My Thoughts: I love Bones. And this movie gives Bones some pretty decent screen time when he is sent to a Klingon prison world with Kirk. So, that alone makes this movie worthwhile for me. It also has the classic, two Kirks, "I'm the real Kirk, shoot him, not me!" scene (which was interestingly enough also done in the original TV show). This scene always kills me, in a good way.

6. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock - After the finale of Wrath Of Khan, the crew of the Enterprise does just what the title says they do. They come up against some very dangerous Klingons, the leader of which is played by Doc Brown himself, Christopher Lloyd!

My Thoughts: The best part about this movie is Christopher Lloyd. He makes an awesome Klingon. That's really all I have to say about it.

5. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home - When a giant ship neutralizes all the Federation ships around Earth, it is up Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise to travel back to 1980s San Francisco to capture a species extinct in their time, a humpback whale, the only species that can communicate with the alien craft (yes, this one is just as zany and bizarre as the plot suggests).

My Thoughts: This one is so fucking wacky! Just read that plot again! They go back in time... to get a whale! You basically have the crew trying to fit in with people from the 1980s. Classic. There's a great convo where Kirk tries to explain curse words to Spock... just... classic. Time Travel is dealt with more class and care here than in First Contact.

 4. Star Trek X: Nemesis - Picard faces off against the ultimate Nemesis, a clone of himself grown by the Romulans, who will stop at nothing to destroy Earth and the Federation.

My Thoughts: Easily the best of the Next Generation Treks, I actually liked it better than most the original ones too, even with it's lack of Kirk, Spock, and Bones. That's because I love plots with doppelganger villains, so who better for Picard to face off against than his clone? Tom Hardy expertly plays this younger version of Picard. God, that actor rocks. Just check out Bronson where he is Bronson the most dangerous British prisoner of all time, or RocknRolla where he is Handsome Bob aka the gay member of the Wild Bunch. And word on the street is that he may play Mad Max next. Tom Hardy is going places. There are some really great scenes hear between Hardy and Patrick Stewart, playing off of the shadowy reflection idea a la Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Plus, one of my Barnes and Noble managers, Nick (no relation), is in a deleted scene. Badass!

3. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier - The Enterprise is captured by a madman, who wants to take it outside the reaches of the Galaxy to find God.

My Thoughts: The plot isn't necessarily that great, but this one is my third favorite because it plays up the triangle of the friendship between Kirk, Spock, and Bones. All 3 get nearly equal screen time, something Bones almost never gets (though he absolutely deserves it). Hopefully, the new second Trek movie coming out in two years takes a cue from this movie and plays up the heroic threesome (a super sexy threesome indeed) more than the first did. Because I love me some Bones.

2. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - Kirk faces off against his most brilliant foe from the television series, Khan, who he left stranded on a barely habitable planet after their last encounter.

My Thoughts: Khaaan! Kirk's greatest foe makes for Star Trek's second most exciting adventure. If you see one Trek movie that wasn't directed by Abrams, see this one. It is one of the most referenced Sci Fi films of all time. A true classic.

1. Star Trek (2009) - The origin story of the Enterprise and her crew (if you haven't seen this one you really are a []).

My Thoughts: I shouldn't have to say anything about this one. Because you've seen it. It's the most action packed, well written and acted Trek film of them all. The gateway drug into a great franchise. Super successful as the world's first prequel/sequel as well, resetting the Trek universe while staying true to the source. Masterful.


There. I got that Trek Blog out of my system (for now...).

Live Long and Prosper! (Ha ha! My nerdiness knows no bounds... boldly going where I have never gone before...)