Bringing Change (Change I didn't even promise!)

That's right, ladies and gentlemen.

Not one day on the job and I have brought Change to the 3rd floor as King of DVD/Bluray Land. CHANGE! (And not simply the change I deliver to the visitors to DVD/Bluray Land when they purchase my subjects as slaves, using cash money.)

Today I was shown the ropes. All the duties I would be preforming as King (also known as not-actually-a-lead DVD/Music lead).

My first act (after learning said duties) was bringing Change to the third floor. Horrible, horrible, change.

It wasn't even my idea. It was God's (also known as the third floor manager). God spoke down upon me, saying, "Perhaps we should move the Blurays."

You see, all has not been well in DVD/Bluray Land. All the Bluray people have been held prisoner, kept captive behind the counter. This is for two reasons. Because there is not enough space in the rest of my moderately-sized kingdom for them to live and because it keeps them away from the Vikings that enter our store, stealing and raping the more expensive peoples... like the Bluray race.

Today, God said down unto me, that perhaps we could move the Bluray people out into the kingdom, freeing them from their prison behind mine royal counter (That is not a typo. By saying "Mine" instead of "My" it simply sounds more royal, don't yine think [again, Yine sounds more royal than mine, don't yine think?]?).

He said that, perhaps the people of Bluray would be more easily sold as slaves if they were more easily browsed out in the kingdom. And rightfully so. It is hard to pick a good slave from over a counter. Especially if you are not sure which slave you have come for and you simply wish to browse slaves.

Yes. Such Change I would bring to the people. My first day, and I am vowing to close down a prison! Always a smart decision for a ruler to make.

Alas, the prison could not be closed (Who saw that coming? Not my nonexistant advisers! That's for sure!). Because, in order to free the Bluray people, other people would have to take their place. Fore there is simply not enough space in the kingdom unless some subjects are kept in prison (wouldn't that be a nice reversal, California?).

Who better than the DVD people of the Health/Fitness and Music/Performance tribes? Because who the fuck goes to Barnes and Noble to buy a workout DVD or a DVD of Madonna's latest concert?

So, like Jean Luc Picard, I made it so!

We began the great exodus. A moving of peoples. First, we had to shift the DVD tribes of Health/Fitness and Music/Performance out of their homes. Needless to say, it went much smoother than the events of District 9.

Such Change required all the tribes of the DVD people be relocated. All must loose the homes they resided for generations for the greater good. I am such a mighty king that the suffering of my people does not cause me to loose sight of this greater good.

For you see, the people of Bluray were to be located to the left side of the oval that is the kingdom of DVD/Bluray Land. For it is here that they can be most easily watched by their divine ruler, so that Vikings do not pillage and rape them (some Vikings do have penis [Penises? Peni?] of such a small sized that they literally can have sex with a Bluray, though the results ain't pretty! Trust me on that one [I love Blurays soooo much {And with that little joke, I have finally crossed the invisible, arbitrary line of what is acceptable and what goes too far}!]!).

The right side of the kingdom, where the Tribes of Health/Fitness and Music/Performance tribes lived for generation upon generation, are in a blind spot where I cannot protect my peoples (because honestly, who would steal this garbage?). So they were moved out and all other tribes were shifted right to make room for the people of Bluray! For they are my chosen people! Who I love above all else (I would make a great God...[aka Manager...])!

So, I brought great Change to today!

Great Change that I could not complete....

So, tomorrow, either the Change is done when I arrive or I must complete it! But at least Change has begun!

And for someone who never promised to bring Change at all, that ain't half bad.

A Orgasmic Puzzle or Why Tina Fey Owes Me Sexual Favours (oh yes, the British variety [which mainly means it's toothless])

I work at Barnes and Noble. At Barnes and Noble, almost all, if not all, my shifts in a given week are on THE THIRD FLOOR! Besides being a lonely place where few people tread, a sort of bell tower that overlooks the cafe where the lonely hunchback (me) resides, THE THIRD FLOOR is home to Barnes and Noble's Music and movie department.

Yes, I work on THE THIRD FLOOR because I requested it, lost among our thousands upon thousands of DVDs and Blurays... and 12 CDs (we honestly only carry about 30 different music CDs on two measly racks. No one buys music anymore... no one except for the 5 people everyday who complain about our measly selection... who are all over 40... which means they simply don't know how to pirate music...).

My favorite part about my job - besides discussing movies with someone who actually knows something about them, which only happens about once every two weeks (and this someone is almost always a film professor from a LA college) - is a practice I like to call "tightening."

 A Tightened Shelf

Tightening is only done on closing shifts. Our shelves start tight in the morning, packed with merchandise so there are no loose spots. Picture a book shelf full of books so there is no open space - a tightly packed bookcase - only replace those books you are imagining with DVDs (only you don't have to imagine, because I took some pictures of my own collection for you [I realize there are some alphabetizing issues. I am embarrassed, but do not want to retake the photos. Rest assured, it has been corrected].) . That's how things start, if the closer the previous night properly tightened. Throughout the day, as we sell DVDs, the shelves get loose. So that night, the closer has to tighten them anew. Fascinating shit, I know.

A shelf that needs to be tightened.

Obviously, the most obvious way to tighten is to add more DVDs to the shelf (obviously!). But we very rarely have "overstock" (DVDs to add). So, the act of tightening becomes one big puzzle. When I tighten, I basically shift DVDs backward to earlier shelves that are loose, condensing the DVDs. After I have shifted enough DVDs, large spots begin to open up on the shelf. Once a big enough spot has opened up, I flip a DVD, so instead of it's spine facing out, the front cover does. That's how you tighten. You condense the shelves until a spot opens up and you can flip a DVD so it takes up more space. And, no, I have never hummed "Tighten Up" while doing it... not yet anyway, though now I have fucked myself by thinking about it.

 A shelf Tightened by flipping a DVD

It becomes a game, because you never come out just right. You need to get all the shelves tight without removing or adding merch. If you flip a title to face outward that has multiple copies, you obviously stack them on top of each other. More or less space can be filled this way. If I have 10 copies of G.I. Joe, for example (which I do [at least] because no one buys that shitty looking movie) I may flip 3 to face outward, stacking them, and leave the other 7 with the spine facing outward because this gets the shelf tight. If I were to flip 4 and only leave 6 it would not be tight. Get it (of course you don't, you have to live this shit to appreciate it)?

The act of tightening turns me on (No, not really you idiot. This exaggeration is for entertainment purposes in an unintentionally boring as shit blog!). No lie. It really is orgasmic for two reasons. First, all my Tetris skills finally have a real world application. Second, I'm handling loads of movies. I do this shifting of DVDs at home every time I get a new Bluray, only on a much smaller scale. I love to organize my DVDs and Blurays, because they are my babies, they are what I am most proud of in the whole wide world and will remain so even when I have human children (here I go about children again [and there I go commenting on it again {is reusing a joke over and over again okay if you comment on the act of reusing it? It failed miserably when they did it this season on 30 Rock with their lame Al Gore whale joke.}.].).

So, it makes sense that this tightening transcends simply being a chore of my job and becomes a ritual. A very sexy ritual. So, if you find anything sticky on that DVD you are planning on purchasing at my store, DO NOT TASTE IT! It's not candy residue left by a small child, which you would normally taste when finding in a store (it's semen!).

The other great joy of tightening is that I get to chose which DVD  flip to face the customer. I get to choose which DVDs stand out, perhaps leading to improved sales. Though I am usually smart about it, and make sure to flip top sellers like Twilight (which is also smart because we have multiple copies so by choosing how many to flip I can better regulate the tightening process), I also always make sure to flip personal favorites like Indiana Jones or Observe and Report (I always flip Observe and Report).

I often seem to flip 30 Rock (because it's awesome) and Baby Mama (because I've never seen it, but it does have Tina Fey and we do have multiple copies [because no one wants it] so it is a great regulator). So, basically, what I've written this entire blog to say is, Tina Fey owes me one. If I sell but one extra copy of Baby Mama, I think that calls for a favour. Of the sexual, British variety (I won't make the toothless joke again here [Oh snap! I just did!]. 

Because Tina Fey is adorable!



Oh, and all you people just waiting for me to fail (you know who you are, you cockface, you), this blog obviously counts for the 8th of January. Because it was written during the 8th's awake cycle (true fans of the blog know what I am talking about! Am I right?!). So, I have not yet failed my promise to write one blog a day. So, fuck you for wanting me to fail!