A Orgasmic Puzzle or Why Tina Fey Owes Me Sexual Favours (oh yes, the British variety [which mainly means it's toothless])

I work at Barnes and Noble. At Barnes and Noble, almost all, if not all, my shifts in a given week are on THE THIRD FLOOR! Besides being a lonely place where few people tread, a sort of bell tower that overlooks the cafe where the lonely hunchback (me) resides, THE THIRD FLOOR is home to Barnes and Noble's Music and movie department.

Yes, I work on THE THIRD FLOOR because I requested it, lost among our thousands upon thousands of DVDs and Blurays... and 12 CDs (we honestly only carry about 30 different music CDs on two measly racks. No one buys music anymore... no one except for the 5 people everyday who complain about our measly selection... who are all over 40... which means they simply don't know how to pirate music...).

My favorite part about my job - besides discussing movies with someone who actually knows something about them, which only happens about once every two weeks (and this someone is almost always a film professor from a LA college) - is a practice I like to call "tightening."

 A Tightened Shelf

Tightening is only done on closing shifts. Our shelves start tight in the morning, packed with merchandise so there are no loose spots. Picture a book shelf full of books so there is no open space - a tightly packed bookcase - only replace those books you are imagining with DVDs (only you don't have to imagine, because I took some pictures of my own collection for you [I realize there are some alphabetizing issues. I am embarrassed, but do not want to retake the photos. Rest assured, it has been corrected].) . That's how things start, if the closer the previous night properly tightened. Throughout the day, as we sell DVDs, the shelves get loose. So that night, the closer has to tighten them anew. Fascinating shit, I know.

A shelf that needs to be tightened.

Obviously, the most obvious way to tighten is to add more DVDs to the shelf (obviously!). But we very rarely have "overstock" (DVDs to add). So, the act of tightening becomes one big puzzle. When I tighten, I basically shift DVDs backward to earlier shelves that are loose, condensing the DVDs. After I have shifted enough DVDs, large spots begin to open up on the shelf. Once a big enough spot has opened up, I flip a DVD, so instead of it's spine facing out, the front cover does. That's how you tighten. You condense the shelves until a spot opens up and you can flip a DVD so it takes up more space. And, no, I have never hummed "Tighten Up" while doing it... not yet anyway, though now I have fucked myself by thinking about it.

 A shelf Tightened by flipping a DVD

It becomes a game, because you never come out just right. You need to get all the shelves tight without removing or adding merch. If you flip a title to face outward that has multiple copies, you obviously stack them on top of each other. More or less space can be filled this way. If I have 10 copies of G.I. Joe, for example (which I do [at least] because no one buys that shitty looking movie) I may flip 3 to face outward, stacking them, and leave the other 7 with the spine facing outward because this gets the shelf tight. If I were to flip 4 and only leave 6 it would not be tight. Get it (of course you don't, you have to live this shit to appreciate it)?

The act of tightening turns me on (No, not really you idiot. This exaggeration is for entertainment purposes in an unintentionally boring as shit blog!). No lie. It really is orgasmic for two reasons. First, all my Tetris skills finally have a real world application. Second, I'm handling loads of movies. I do this shifting of DVDs at home every time I get a new Bluray, only on a much smaller scale. I love to organize my DVDs and Blurays, because they are my babies, they are what I am most proud of in the whole wide world and will remain so even when I have human children (here I go about children again [and there I go commenting on it again {is reusing a joke over and over again okay if you comment on the act of reusing it? It failed miserably when they did it this season on 30 Rock with their lame Al Gore whale joke.}.].).

So, it makes sense that this tightening transcends simply being a chore of my job and becomes a ritual. A very sexy ritual. So, if you find anything sticky on that DVD you are planning on purchasing at my store, DO NOT TASTE IT! It's not candy residue left by a small child, which you would normally taste when finding in a store (it's semen!).

The other great joy of tightening is that I get to chose which DVD  flip to face the customer. I get to choose which DVDs stand out, perhaps leading to improved sales. Though I am usually smart about it, and make sure to flip top sellers like Twilight (which is also smart because we have multiple copies so by choosing how many to flip I can better regulate the tightening process), I also always make sure to flip personal favorites like Indiana Jones or Observe and Report (I always flip Observe and Report).

I often seem to flip 30 Rock (because it's awesome) and Baby Mama (because I've never seen it, but it does have Tina Fey and we do have multiple copies [because no one wants it] so it is a great regulator). So, basically, what I've written this entire blog to say is, Tina Fey owes me one. If I sell but one extra copy of Baby Mama, I think that calls for a favour. Of the sexual, British variety (I won't make the toothless joke again here [Oh snap! I just did!]. 

Because Tina Fey is adorable!



Oh, and all you people just waiting for me to fail (you know who you are, you cockface, you), this blog obviously counts for the 8th of January. Because it was written during the 8th's awake cycle (true fans of the blog know what I am talking about! Am I right?!). So, I have not yet failed my promise to write one blog a day. So, fuck you for wanting me to fail!

Best 9 Movies of '09

It's the end of the year (and the decade, but I'll get to that in a future blog)! You know what that means, right children?

Lists! Glorious lists! Let's start with the best list of them all... The Best Movies of 2009 list! A countdown! In a very particular order.

This year, I only picked 9 movies, both because it's kind of clever (best 9 of '09, see what I did there?) and because there really are only 9 movies this year that deserve the honor of being listed (that's right, being listed by me is an honor, mother fucker!). I mean, there were other good movies this year, like The Hangover, Up In The Air, Taken, Watchmen, Coraline, and I Love You Man - just to name a few - but none of those movies are good enough to be on my list. I only list the cream of the crop... the gems... the movies I would theoretically show my children in 25 or so years (should they exist [damn, I sure talk about my children a lot in these blogs... say something about my subconscious much?]).

These are the movies you, yes YOU, owe it to yourself to see, if you value my opinion (and if you don't why the fuck are you reading my blog, cockface?). You may not agree on all, but you should at least see them so you can formulate your own opinion.

A word of warning before we proceed. Though it is safe for all to view the names on the list, if you haven't seen a movie, I would not read my explanation about why I chose it, as it will contain spoilers. If you saw the movie though, please read about why I chose it.

So, without further ado, here we go!


9. Moon - An original Sci Fi movie? Yes, 2009 had three notable ones (Avatar, District 9, and Moon) An original Sci Fi movie a low budget? 2009 had two of them (District 9 and Moon). An original Sci Fi movie that was great? 2009 only had one... Moon (District 9 was merely good and Avatar was fair at best). Moon has a real classic feeling premise and pays homage to classic Sci Fi flicks like 2001: A Space Odyssey, without becoming a rip off. I love the story of man works isolated on moon, man has accident, man finds out he has a clone. Though the twist of a station run on the man power of clones who are afterward incinerated was telegraphed too well, leaving the twist not quite the shock it could have been, it still stands as a fucking great Sci Fi film. Sam Rockwell fucking kills it, proving again why he deserves to be one of my favorite actors (another honor for all to aspire toward). Double the Rockwell really is double the fun. Seriously, the man should get an Oscar nom for his fantastic acting opposite himself. Can't wait to see him in Iron Man 2, hopefully his part is bigger than the first trailer suggests.



8. Up - Though it really is hard to compare any movie to Toy Story, as it stands as a classic at this point, Up is most certainly, at the very least, my second favorite Pixar film (possibly my fav). While last year I felt Wall-E was hugely overrated, Up deserves every bit of praise it has received. No animated film has better tugged at the heart strings. The dialogue-less montage showing the life and times of Carl and Ellie was heartbreaking and the end with Carl filling the void left by Russell's father made me teary eyed as well. The humor was also especially poignant, as the squeaky voiced alpha dog had me in stitches with every phrase, both times I viewed it. The 3-D was killer too, and the animation was the best of the year (even Cameron's MoCap can't "out magic" Pixar). I also love the 1930s, adventure aesthetic the film had going on (very Indiana Jones). There is no justice in the movie world if Up does not recive an Oscar nom... for Best Picture, not best animated film.



7. The Road - Every once and a while I need a film that is simply, "depressing as fuck" (which is why No Country for Old Men is my favorite film of the decade [but more on that in a future blog]) to get a break from all the candy films (you know, the blockbusters like Star Trek and Sherlock Holmes). This year, The Road fit the bill quite nicely (as well as two darker ones to come [and by darker, I am not saying they are darker than The Road, because this is an impossibility). The Road is incredibly faithful to the book as far as I can remember it (it's been a while since I listened to the book on tape). The movie isn't ruined by Hollywood, that is, no explanations for the end of the world are forced on the audience. It's just as ambiguous as the book. The story of survival of a father and son is as engaging as it is depressing and heart breaking. The ending is fantastic, as it's not necessarily happy. Though we, as the audience, are confident this family will not devour the boy, we do realize, in horror, that they were the ones who were following the man and the boy with the dog. So, the man and the boy left the god-send of a shelter to escape friendlies. Also, though finding the family gives us hope for the boy, we know all are doomed, eventually. I love bittersweet endings like this.



6. Sherlock Holmes - This is one of those movies that seems tailor made for me. A buddy cop/bromance at it's soul, with plenty of badass action and humor (would one expect anything less from Guy Ritchie?). Downey Jr. and Jude Law are fantastic together, and their back-and-forths are incredibly amusing in a very Riggs/Murtaugh, Lee/Carter, Cassidy/Sundance way. Though much CGI is required to create 19th century London, little is used in place of old fashioned stunt work. Holme's investigative skills mirror Shawn Spencer's of Psych (Holmes stories were most likely an influence on the fake psychic detective) and the apparent use of magic and Holme's skepticism toward it would not feel out of place in an Indiana Jones movie. I always love Mark Strong and he makes a fantastic foe here, getting the chance to deliver great "evil doer" speeches (which I get weak in the knees for). Plus, this film beautifully sets up the sequel through the mysterious Moriarty, just as Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace have build up the Quantum organization. Cannot wait for Sherlock Holmes 2. Let us hope the rumors that one, Brad Pitt, will play Moriarty are true. Guy Ritchie really is a phenomenal director, as Snatch, Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, RocknRolla, and now Sherlock Holmes, are all among my favorite movies.



5. The Hurt Locker - Jesus Christ, my heart was racing this entire movie. The expression, "it keeps you on the edge of your seat" has never better described a movie than The Hurt Locker. Basically, the main character has the possibility of being blown to smithereens at nearly any moment, and you believe the filmmakers will do it, after they killed Guy Pearce in the amazing opening sequence. Though all the Iraq parts are all top notch, the movie is at it's most interesting when Renner's character returns home and we learn he really is addicted to the adrenaline of war. The film's last moments when we see that danger really is his element left a very interesting taste in my mouth indeed.




4. Star Trek - This is how you reboot a franchise, mother fucker! Both sequel and prequel, Star Trek brilliantly sets up a brand new universe for Kirk, Spock, and Bones to play in without any expectations of their fates (unlike earlier prequels where each character's fate was known). The fact that its plot mirrors Star Wars is a huge plus. I actually got a very similar feeling of wonder and joy watching Trek that I originally got 12 years ago when I first saw Star Wars. The script is great and the action scenes really are top notch (including the CGI). The space drill set piece, especially, is a masterful scene, squeezing every bit of tension possible from the scenario and setting, reminding me of the film that best makes use of tension, Jurassic Park. Seriously, first, we see Engineer Olsen miss the landing and get cooked by the laser of the drill! Then we watch as this almost happens to Kirk! Then, as Kirk fights a Romulon, the blasts of the Romulan's gun shoot holes in Sulu's parachute, making his landing dangerous! He has to slice his parachute to save himself, a decision he regrets when he later falls off the drill toward Vulcan! You get the idea, no opportunity for tension is missed. Through its great writing and casting, my love for new Trek has converted me into a "trekkie" of sorts, as now I appreciate (and even love) the old Trek movies and the original series. This and Holmes should make for some killer sequels in the coming years.



3. A Serious Man - I don't think a year goes by when a Coen Bros' movie is not on my top of the year list. A Serious Man is great, as it leaves you thinking and begs for a second viewing just like No Country For Old Men (again, No Country is my favorite film of the decade). The ending is just as inspired as No Country's. The ambigious final shot of the tornado barreling down on the children, destined, most likely, to kill them all, sends shivers down my spine. I love the way Larry and his son seem to receive immediate punishment from God himself at the ending, whether or not this is the message the Coen's intended. Full of both Coen comedy and Coen sorrow, A Serious Man stands among their best films.



2. Observe and Report - The top two films on my list earned their position by delivering something completly unexpected. Though it is great when a film fulfills or even surpasses my expectations like Sherlock Holmes, Star Trek, and A Serious Man, it is a different joy all together when they defy them, delivering in a way I never imagined. Observe and Report is the most original and dark comedy in years (if it can even be called a comedy). Completely free of the Seth Rogen mold that is beginning to grow stale, Observe and Report seems to spit in the face of what is expected in the Hollywood system. I really cannot believe Warner Bros made this movie. Rogen's character, Ronny, date rapes the girl he loves and shoots a flasher in the chest at point blank range (in the most shocking scene of the year). Jody Hill is a hell of a writer/director (see also, Foot Fist Way and Eastbound and Down which make up his "main character slowly goes insane trilogy).




1. Inglourious Basterds - As previously stated, this film was not at all what I expected, in the best way possible. I love WWII movies, but Basterds is a whole new type of WWII movie. Scenes of dialog that can last for 45 minutes... yet, the dialog is so brilliant, so realistic, so filled with tension... ugh.... Wordgasm... I'm not a Taritino fan, at all (though I really like Reservoir Dogs), but this movie really is a masterpiece. Pitt delivers, of course, but you cannot, I repeat, you cannot top Christoph Waltz as Hans Landa. He really is the best villain since Chigurh in No Country, and he stands in the top three of the decade alongside Chigurh and The Joker (though I would argue he does top the late Mr. Ledger). Out of all the Oscar hopefuls this year, I feel most strongly about Christoph Waltz... give this man the fucking Oscar! Now!


Well, that's it. That's my list. Not really sure what else to say about that...

Bee (buzz) seeing you.