Best 9 Movies of '09

It's the end of the year (and the decade, but I'll get to that in a future blog)! You know what that means, right children?

Lists! Glorious lists! Let's start with the best list of them all... The Best Movies of 2009 list! A countdown! In a very particular order.

This year, I only picked 9 movies, both because it's kind of clever (best 9 of '09, see what I did there?) and because there really are only 9 movies this year that deserve the honor of being listed (that's right, being listed by me is an honor, mother fucker!). I mean, there were other good movies this year, like The Hangover, Up In The Air, Taken, Watchmen, Coraline, and I Love You Man - just to name a few - but none of those movies are good enough to be on my list. I only list the cream of the crop... the gems... the movies I would theoretically show my children in 25 or so years (should they exist [damn, I sure talk about my children a lot in these blogs... say something about my subconscious much?]).

These are the movies you, yes YOU, owe it to yourself to see, if you value my opinion (and if you don't why the fuck are you reading my blog, cockface?). You may not agree on all, but you should at least see them so you can formulate your own opinion.

A word of warning before we proceed. Though it is safe for all to view the names on the list, if you haven't seen a movie, I would not read my explanation about why I chose it, as it will contain spoilers. If you saw the movie though, please read about why I chose it.

So, without further ado, here we go!


9. Moon - An original Sci Fi movie? Yes, 2009 had three notable ones (Avatar, District 9, and Moon) An original Sci Fi movie a low budget? 2009 had two of them (District 9 and Moon). An original Sci Fi movie that was great? 2009 only had one... Moon (District 9 was merely good and Avatar was fair at best). Moon has a real classic feeling premise and pays homage to classic Sci Fi flicks like 2001: A Space Odyssey, without becoming a rip off. I love the story of man works isolated on moon, man has accident, man finds out he has a clone. Though the twist of a station run on the man power of clones who are afterward incinerated was telegraphed too well, leaving the twist not quite the shock it could have been, it still stands as a fucking great Sci Fi film. Sam Rockwell fucking kills it, proving again why he deserves to be one of my favorite actors (another honor for all to aspire toward). Double the Rockwell really is double the fun. Seriously, the man should get an Oscar nom for his fantastic acting opposite himself. Can't wait to see him in Iron Man 2, hopefully his part is bigger than the first trailer suggests.



8. Up - Though it really is hard to compare any movie to Toy Story, as it stands as a classic at this point, Up is most certainly, at the very least, my second favorite Pixar film (possibly my fav). While last year I felt Wall-E was hugely overrated, Up deserves every bit of praise it has received. No animated film has better tugged at the heart strings. The dialogue-less montage showing the life and times of Carl and Ellie was heartbreaking and the end with Carl filling the void left by Russell's father made me teary eyed as well. The humor was also especially poignant, as the squeaky voiced alpha dog had me in stitches with every phrase, both times I viewed it. The 3-D was killer too, and the animation was the best of the year (even Cameron's MoCap can't "out magic" Pixar). I also love the 1930s, adventure aesthetic the film had going on (very Indiana Jones). There is no justice in the movie world if Up does not recive an Oscar nom... for Best Picture, not best animated film.



7. The Road - Every once and a while I need a film that is simply, "depressing as fuck" (which is why No Country for Old Men is my favorite film of the decade [but more on that in a future blog]) to get a break from all the candy films (you know, the blockbusters like Star Trek and Sherlock Holmes). This year, The Road fit the bill quite nicely (as well as two darker ones to come [and by darker, I am not saying they are darker than The Road, because this is an impossibility). The Road is incredibly faithful to the book as far as I can remember it (it's been a while since I listened to the book on tape). The movie isn't ruined by Hollywood, that is, no explanations for the end of the world are forced on the audience. It's just as ambiguous as the book. The story of survival of a father and son is as engaging as it is depressing and heart breaking. The ending is fantastic, as it's not necessarily happy. Though we, as the audience, are confident this family will not devour the boy, we do realize, in horror, that they were the ones who were following the man and the boy with the dog. So, the man and the boy left the god-send of a shelter to escape friendlies. Also, though finding the family gives us hope for the boy, we know all are doomed, eventually. I love bittersweet endings like this.



6. Sherlock Holmes - This is one of those movies that seems tailor made for me. A buddy cop/bromance at it's soul, with plenty of badass action and humor (would one expect anything less from Guy Ritchie?). Downey Jr. and Jude Law are fantastic together, and their back-and-forths are incredibly amusing in a very Riggs/Murtaugh, Lee/Carter, Cassidy/Sundance way. Though much CGI is required to create 19th century London, little is used in place of old fashioned stunt work. Holme's investigative skills mirror Shawn Spencer's of Psych (Holmes stories were most likely an influence on the fake psychic detective) and the apparent use of magic and Holme's skepticism toward it would not feel out of place in an Indiana Jones movie. I always love Mark Strong and he makes a fantastic foe here, getting the chance to deliver great "evil doer" speeches (which I get weak in the knees for). Plus, this film beautifully sets up the sequel through the mysterious Moriarty, just as Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace have build up the Quantum organization. Cannot wait for Sherlock Holmes 2. Let us hope the rumors that one, Brad Pitt, will play Moriarty are true. Guy Ritchie really is a phenomenal director, as Snatch, Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, RocknRolla, and now Sherlock Holmes, are all among my favorite movies.



5. The Hurt Locker - Jesus Christ, my heart was racing this entire movie. The expression, "it keeps you on the edge of your seat" has never better described a movie than The Hurt Locker. Basically, the main character has the possibility of being blown to smithereens at nearly any moment, and you believe the filmmakers will do it, after they killed Guy Pearce in the amazing opening sequence. Though all the Iraq parts are all top notch, the movie is at it's most interesting when Renner's character returns home and we learn he really is addicted to the adrenaline of war. The film's last moments when we see that danger really is his element left a very interesting taste in my mouth indeed.




4. Star Trek - This is how you reboot a franchise, mother fucker! Both sequel and prequel, Star Trek brilliantly sets up a brand new universe for Kirk, Spock, and Bones to play in without any expectations of their fates (unlike earlier prequels where each character's fate was known). The fact that its plot mirrors Star Wars is a huge plus. I actually got a very similar feeling of wonder and joy watching Trek that I originally got 12 years ago when I first saw Star Wars. The script is great and the action scenes really are top notch (including the CGI). The space drill set piece, especially, is a masterful scene, squeezing every bit of tension possible from the scenario and setting, reminding me of the film that best makes use of tension, Jurassic Park. Seriously, first, we see Engineer Olsen miss the landing and get cooked by the laser of the drill! Then we watch as this almost happens to Kirk! Then, as Kirk fights a Romulon, the blasts of the Romulan's gun shoot holes in Sulu's parachute, making his landing dangerous! He has to slice his parachute to save himself, a decision he regrets when he later falls off the drill toward Vulcan! You get the idea, no opportunity for tension is missed. Through its great writing and casting, my love for new Trek has converted me into a "trekkie" of sorts, as now I appreciate (and even love) the old Trek movies and the original series. This and Holmes should make for some killer sequels in the coming years.



3. A Serious Man - I don't think a year goes by when a Coen Bros' movie is not on my top of the year list. A Serious Man is great, as it leaves you thinking and begs for a second viewing just like No Country For Old Men (again, No Country is my favorite film of the decade). The ending is just as inspired as No Country's. The ambigious final shot of the tornado barreling down on the children, destined, most likely, to kill them all, sends shivers down my spine. I love the way Larry and his son seem to receive immediate punishment from God himself at the ending, whether or not this is the message the Coen's intended. Full of both Coen comedy and Coen sorrow, A Serious Man stands among their best films.



2. Observe and Report - The top two films on my list earned their position by delivering something completly unexpected. Though it is great when a film fulfills or even surpasses my expectations like Sherlock Holmes, Star Trek, and A Serious Man, it is a different joy all together when they defy them, delivering in a way I never imagined. Observe and Report is the most original and dark comedy in years (if it can even be called a comedy). Completely free of the Seth Rogen mold that is beginning to grow stale, Observe and Report seems to spit in the face of what is expected in the Hollywood system. I really cannot believe Warner Bros made this movie. Rogen's character, Ronny, date rapes the girl he loves and shoots a flasher in the chest at point blank range (in the most shocking scene of the year). Jody Hill is a hell of a writer/director (see also, Foot Fist Way and Eastbound and Down which make up his "main character slowly goes insane trilogy).




1. Inglourious Basterds - As previously stated, this film was not at all what I expected, in the best way possible. I love WWII movies, but Basterds is a whole new type of WWII movie. Scenes of dialog that can last for 45 minutes... yet, the dialog is so brilliant, so realistic, so filled with tension... ugh.... Wordgasm... I'm not a Taritino fan, at all (though I really like Reservoir Dogs), but this movie really is a masterpiece. Pitt delivers, of course, but you cannot, I repeat, you cannot top Christoph Waltz as Hans Landa. He really is the best villain since Chigurh in No Country, and he stands in the top three of the decade alongside Chigurh and The Joker (though I would argue he does top the late Mr. Ledger). Out of all the Oscar hopefuls this year, I feel most strongly about Christoph Waltz... give this man the fucking Oscar! Now!


Well, that's it. That's my list. Not really sure what else to say about that...

Bee (buzz) seeing you.

The Amazing, The Fantabulous, The Astounding... Weight Loss Car!

I have it, ladies and gentlemen... the first truly great invention of the 21st Century (right after a black president)!

I call it, simply, The Amazing, The Fantabulous, The Astounding Weight Loss Cartm .

You see, weight loss has been on my mind recently and I believe I have traced the cause of obesity to its original source, it's very first occurrence in the history of mankind. By coming to this understanding of the beast I shall hence forth refer to as 'fatty disorder' I have invented a device that will eliminate said disorder until the Earth's oil reserves are depleted.

It is a well known fact that the first fat person did not appear until the late 19th century when the automobile (or 'car' as it is called by the uneducated) became a prevalent form of transportation. Evidence of this can bee (buzz) seen in the following photographs, all pre-automobile, all containing no fatties.

Exhibit A: There Were No Fat Cavemen.


Exhibit B: No Fat Pilgrims Either.



Exhibit C: No Fat Founding Fathers!Exhibit D: Cars = Fatty Disorder

So let's look at the facts so far. There was not a single fat person on Earth until man began using the automobile: FACT. After the automobile, there were suddenly gelatinous beings known as fatties: FACT. Therefore, the automobile IS responsible (i.e. the cause) of Fatty Disorder: FACT.

Of course, it should be obvious why cars cause fatty disorder. If a person is no longer walking to McDonald's or whipping a horse to get to McDonald's like in pre-late-19th century times, said person is no longer exercising. Contrary to the beliefs of NASCAR fans, driving is not a sport as there is no exercise involved.

So if cars are the problem, can they not also be the solution?

The answer to this question is as old as guns themselves. Every member of NRA knows that guns CAUSE violence and murder, but these same members are also are the only level headed people to realize that guns are also the only way to PREVENT violence and murder. If Liberals would just butt out, the late Charleston Heston and his band of merry gentlemen would have already cured the world of violence and murder using their 'little friends' (referred to by the uneducated to as 'guns' or 'firearms').

But I digress. I am not here to stop violence and murder with my Colt Detective Special. I am here to stop Fatty Disorder with my new and improved automobile.

My invention works as such. It looks like a regular automobile (which I will hence forth refer to as car because of Dummy Disorder, an entirely different issue). Basically, to use this device, one must open the door and sit in what I call 'the driver's seat' just like an ordinary vehicle. One then takes the 'seat belt' and pulls it across them, buckling it into the 'seat belt receiving receptacle' until they hear a click and it locks in place.

This is where my invention begins to differ from the ordinary, fatty creating car. Once a person is buckled in, the car will measure their 'fatty factor.' The seat will measure their weight and the seat belt will measure the roundness of their tummy, giving the person a fatty index.

If a person receives a fatty index of Brad Pitt or Christian Bale from THE MACHINIST, the car will start. If instead, a person's fatty index is closer to a Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, or, dare I say it, Danny Devito (with or without added padding from when he was The Penguin), the car will not start and will say to the intended driver "Get out of the fucking car! You're walking today, bitch ass fatty."

If you are the weight of Christian Bale you're OK to drive!

A Danny Devito level Fatty will have to get out and walk.

I don't have to explain to you why this device is genius. But I will anyway. Basically, if fatties are forced to walk everywhere, they won't be fat for long. Either they will walk 5 miles to get to McDonald's, or they will just skip it, either way they are getting thinner!

Now I'm sure you're saying, "Nick, you fucking idiot. People (yes, we fatties are still people) can't walk everywhere. Nothing would ever get done. How is a person supposed to take a road trip to Kansas to see all that beautiful flat farmland? They can't possibly walk that far!" And to that I reply, "You are smarter than you look and damn it if you aren't correct. And every one needs to see the flat, majestic nothingness of Kansas before they die" Still sucks to be you though, as I have considered every possible weakness and situation concerning my flawless invention and I do, in fact, have an answer for everything.

When you get in the car, you will enter your destination into a GPS-type device. The device will look up the destination and calculate how far away it is from where you are. If it is less that 20 miles away, the car will say "Don' t be such a lazy fucker. Take a walk." I think that 20 miles is a reasonable distance for someone to walk if they really want to get a hamburger, go grocery shopping, or keep their job.

Now, I know there are people who will want to cheat the system, so I have provided a safety net for that as well. If a fatty enters a destination that is farther than 20 miles just to get the car to start and then tries to drive to the McDonald's down the street or their office that is only 19.9 miles away, well, then the brakes won't work. No brakes until you've gone the full 20 miles, that way you don't cheat and stop somewhere closer.

It's brilliant, really, and I'm not afraid to admit that. I have created a flawless invention that is guaranteed 110% to annihilate fatty disorder.

Before you go and give me all the awards let me give you this disclaimer, though this device will keep most fatties off the road, it will have about a 0% impact on LA's Traffic Problem. Everyone knows that everyone in LA has a perfect body, so the amount of people on the road will be exactly the same. So please, no awards for solving the traffic crisis, just awards for curing fatty disorder.

--- Nick is also the inventor of the French Fry Straw, the Phone-Keys-that-you-will-never-lose-cause-you-can-just-call-them, and co-Inventor of the waffle hamburger and the candy beanbag.