Nothing's Tastier than Hamm

Jon Hamm.

Men want to be him. Women want him to be inside them. And I want both. Because he's Jon Hamm.

Though I am not gay, nor a woman, and I have been told I am wrong by women many times, but I do think Jon Hamm must be the most attractive man in the world. He is the ideal man. And it doesn't make me gay to say that. Because I'm saying it about Jon Hamm (who, like Brad Pitt and Mel Gibson before him, it is entirely appropriate to have a man crush on).

And I know I really shouldn't write about Jon Hamm during what is officially Mel Gibson's week (go see Edge of Darkness, by the way. Riggs needs you!), but I just can't help myself. Because he's Jon Hamm!

Now, for those of you who don't know who Jon Hamm is (because you're an idiot), he's most famous for being the star of the fantastic show, Mad Men (which you have never seen because you are an idiot). He plays Don Draper, a real man's man... because he's not afraid to cheat on his wife in the 1960s.

And he can sell anything. Including cheating on his wife.

The world really needs more Jon Hamm. Sure, Mad Men is perhaps the second greatest drama show of all time in this blogger's not-so-humble opinion (right behind Dexter). But Jon Hamm deserves even more. He deserves starring roles in movies, not bit parts in shitty Keanu Reeves vechiles like The Day the Earth Stood Still (which, to be fair, I have never seen. So I'm saying it's shitty based on second hand opinions.). He deserves to be a real star! Not simply one of the most respected actors working in television today.

Jon Hamm has gotten a little love outside of Mad Men (and the copious amount of awards he was won for his work on Mad Men). His stint on 30 Rock in Season 3 places him alongside the 30 Rock guest star greats, a very exclusive and impressive club that includes Will Arnett (the funniest man to ever walk the face of planet Earth) and James Franco.

Also, his portrayal of Lex Luthor in THIS Funny Or Die sketch is not to be missed. 

Because of how much he looks like Clark Kent and how well he plays Mr. Luthor, I have long maintained the belief that the ultimate Jon Hamm project would be a Superman Movie starring Jon Hamm as both Superman and Lex Luthor. And no, I am not joking. There would be no better way to make a Superman Movie, or no other version of Superman I would be more interested in.

Because, let's face it, Superman is the shittiest superhero ever. He's invincible except for one thing! Kryptonite. So, guess what the villain is going to pull out every damn movie to defeat him...

Plus, he doesn't wear a mask, yet no one know's he's Superman?  He just removes his glasses and curls a strand of hair? Superman is shit. Not, "the shit." Just shit.

But I'm being distracted from obsessing over Hamm. Hamm's non-Mad Men highlights have been his hosting gigs on SNL (I really hope everyone reading this blog knows what that stands for). He's done it twice now in two years, and I really hope SNL makes it an annual thing. Because that guarantees they will have at least one person who watches several sketches on Hulu one day a year (what an enticing offer. I don't see how they can't have Jon Hamm back again next year). Assuming Hulu remains free. Cause I ain't paying for that shit.

 

Allow me to allow Jon Hamm to entertain you this blog. Because he is far better at entertaining than I am. And he is far better looking. Damn. How can God bless one man with such good looks (I swear I'm not gay) and such comedic chops? It's not fair. Really proves there isn't a God...

I have embedded the Jon Hamm SNL highlights (hope this works!). From both his hosting gigs. Because, being SNL, watching every skit is painful. Because many are painfully bad. But I have endured such pain for you. Because I love you. And, as I have stated before, I am the son of God. Even though there is no God.

Good luck surviving the easily ignorable Haiti ads, though.

Jon Hamm's 2010 Monologue

 

Jon Hamm informs us that he is simply an actor. And not all his roles were as suave and commanding as Don Draper.

Jon Hamm's John Ham

Quite possibly my favorite Jon Hamm sketch of all time. Brilliant.

Hamm & Buble

The incredible "sequel" to Jon Hamm's John Ham. Possibly better than the original as the mean side of Hamm is hilarious. I stock and sell Michael Buble's album almost daily at Barnes and Noble, but who knew he wasn't just another pretty faced singing hack? He's got a sense of humor!

Don Draper's Guide to Picking Up Women

Highlights why Don Draper is so awesome. 

 New Senator

Jon Hamm is a good dancer.

Digital Short: The Curse

Only Hamm can out cool the Kool Aid man.

Barnes and Noble

 

Finally, Jon Hamm presents the history of my employer. Too true. We DO have a homeless problem.

Well, that's it. But at least I'm proven my point. Jon Hamm is hilarious. And the best looking man on planet Earth. 

And, yes, I did learn how to embed videos halfway through the blog. So, hopefully, in the future, links shall be a thing of the past for me. And my blogs will take longer to load. Because I love you.

You're quite welcome.

The Amazing, The Fantabulous, The Astounding... Weight Loss Car!

I have it, ladies and gentlemen... the first truly great invention of the 21st Century (right after a black president)!

I call it, simply, The Amazing, The Fantabulous, The Astounding Weight Loss Cartm .

You see, weight loss has been on my mind recently and I believe I have traced the cause of obesity to its original source, it's very first occurrence in the history of mankind. By coming to this understanding of the beast I shall hence forth refer to as 'fatty disorder' I have invented a device that will eliminate said disorder until the Earth's oil reserves are depleted.

It is a well known fact that the first fat person did not appear until the late 19th century when the automobile (or 'car' as it is called by the uneducated) became a prevalent form of transportation. Evidence of this can bee (buzz) seen in the following photographs, all pre-automobile, all containing no fatties.

Exhibit A: There Were No Fat Cavemen.


Exhibit B: No Fat Pilgrims Either.



Exhibit C: No Fat Founding Fathers!Exhibit D: Cars = Fatty Disorder

So let's look at the facts so far. There was not a single fat person on Earth until man began using the automobile: FACT. After the automobile, there were suddenly gelatinous beings known as fatties: FACT. Therefore, the automobile IS responsible (i.e. the cause) of Fatty Disorder: FACT.

Of course, it should be obvious why cars cause fatty disorder. If a person is no longer walking to McDonald's or whipping a horse to get to McDonald's like in pre-late-19th century times, said person is no longer exercising. Contrary to the beliefs of NASCAR fans, driving is not a sport as there is no exercise involved.

So if cars are the problem, can they not also be the solution?

The answer to this question is as old as guns themselves. Every member of NRA knows that guns CAUSE violence and murder, but these same members are also are the only level headed people to realize that guns are also the only way to PREVENT violence and murder. If Liberals would just butt out, the late Charleston Heston and his band of merry gentlemen would have already cured the world of violence and murder using their 'little friends' (referred to by the uneducated to as 'guns' or 'firearms').

But I digress. I am not here to stop violence and murder with my Colt Detective Special. I am here to stop Fatty Disorder with my new and improved automobile.

My invention works as such. It looks like a regular automobile (which I will hence forth refer to as car because of Dummy Disorder, an entirely different issue). Basically, to use this device, one must open the door and sit in what I call 'the driver's seat' just like an ordinary vehicle. One then takes the 'seat belt' and pulls it across them, buckling it into the 'seat belt receiving receptacle' until they hear a click and it locks in place.

This is where my invention begins to differ from the ordinary, fatty creating car. Once a person is buckled in, the car will measure their 'fatty factor.' The seat will measure their weight and the seat belt will measure the roundness of their tummy, giving the person a fatty index.

If a person receives a fatty index of Brad Pitt or Christian Bale from THE MACHINIST, the car will start. If instead, a person's fatty index is closer to a Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, or, dare I say it, Danny Devito (with or without added padding from when he was The Penguin), the car will not start and will say to the intended driver "Get out of the fucking car! You're walking today, bitch ass fatty."

If you are the weight of Christian Bale you're OK to drive!

A Danny Devito level Fatty will have to get out and walk.

I don't have to explain to you why this device is genius. But I will anyway. Basically, if fatties are forced to walk everywhere, they won't be fat for long. Either they will walk 5 miles to get to McDonald's, or they will just skip it, either way they are getting thinner!

Now I'm sure you're saying, "Nick, you fucking idiot. People (yes, we fatties are still people) can't walk everywhere. Nothing would ever get done. How is a person supposed to take a road trip to Kansas to see all that beautiful flat farmland? They can't possibly walk that far!" And to that I reply, "You are smarter than you look and damn it if you aren't correct. And every one needs to see the flat, majestic nothingness of Kansas before they die" Still sucks to be you though, as I have considered every possible weakness and situation concerning my flawless invention and I do, in fact, have an answer for everything.

When you get in the car, you will enter your destination into a GPS-type device. The device will look up the destination and calculate how far away it is from where you are. If it is less that 20 miles away, the car will say "Don' t be such a lazy fucker. Take a walk." I think that 20 miles is a reasonable distance for someone to walk if they really want to get a hamburger, go grocery shopping, or keep their job.

Now, I know there are people who will want to cheat the system, so I have provided a safety net for that as well. If a fatty enters a destination that is farther than 20 miles just to get the car to start and then tries to drive to the McDonald's down the street or their office that is only 19.9 miles away, well, then the brakes won't work. No brakes until you've gone the full 20 miles, that way you don't cheat and stop somewhere closer.

It's brilliant, really, and I'm not afraid to admit that. I have created a flawless invention that is guaranteed 110% to annihilate fatty disorder.

Before you go and give me all the awards let me give you this disclaimer, though this device will keep most fatties off the road, it will have about a 0% impact on LA's Traffic Problem. Everyone knows that everyone in LA has a perfect body, so the amount of people on the road will be exactly the same. So please, no awards for solving the traffic crisis, just awards for curing fatty disorder.

--- Nick is also the inventor of the French Fry Straw, the Phone-Keys-that-you-will-never-lose-cause-you-can-just-call-them, and co-Inventor of the waffle hamburger and the candy beanbag.