Release the Kraken! Or, The Curious Case of Liam and Pierce.

Liam Neeson can't catch a fucking break.

The man had the biggest hit of his career last year with TAKEN (As is tradition here at SIMPLY PASSING THROUGH HISTORY, I'm not gonna bother checking that "fact" [Even though STAR WARS: EPISODE 1: I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE SUBTITLE was obviously bigger.].) but right as he was basking in his well deserved glory, his wife kicked the bucket somehow (I don't remember how, what her name was, or if said event happened close to the release of TAKEN or not [You get what you pay for, you cheap fuck. Go buy a book. Or Nook. But make sure my managers I know I sold you on that shit, cause I get a cookie.].).

As everyone in Hollywood knows, following the death of a loved one, every actor has two choices. You either withdraw from the public spotlight, moving to Europe for a self induced drug coma that only an acting salary can support, OR you stick your dick in as many projects ("Movies" in regular folk speak) about town as possible, trying to forget about the dick hole you lost when your wife died (Oh my God, I am never tricking a woman into marrying me after that comment). You know, assuming you are a Hollywood actor. Everyone else has to either suck it up or throw down on enough rope (or extension cord) for a noose. Cause drug induced comas in Europe tend to be a wee bit pricey.

Liam Neeson chose the dick sticking route (No one expected any less), as following the death of old whats-her-name, he suddenly became attached (that's movie speak for "He's planning to act in that movie... maybe.") to a shit ton of movies (For the record, I doubt very much that Liam's actual Penis is visible in any of his recent films. Though if it makes an appearance in any, my bet's on CLASH OF THE TITANS [That's shit's in 3D!]. Release "the Kraken" indeed, Mr. Neeson. Well played, old man.). Movie sites instantly began to speculate that Liam (me and him are actually very buddy-buddy. Never cared much for his wife, though. Kinda a bitch.) was intentionally taking any project he could get his hands on, just to keep his mind off the loss of his dick hole (I swear I'm not really this horrible a person).

The facts (yes, now I turn to facts... to make a point) would seem to support such a theory. Since TAKEN, Liam has been in 9 other released projects, if you count being a voice in PONYO, PRINCE CASPIAN, and the video game FALLOUT 3. Which I do. He has 5 films currently in post production including THE A-TEAM (of which he appears to be the most bad ass part). And he has five projects "In Development" (but that doesn't really mean shit. LINCOLN has been in development for years and may never happen. But hopefully it does, cause it's to be directed by Steven Spielberg!). So, all together that's 19 projects following TAKEN! I realize some of these were likely complete before his wife's passing and others may never actually happen ("In Development" really means jack shit.), but that's still a really fucking full plate for one man. A lot of holes in which to stick his dick, so to say.

So that is the sad, sad tale of Liam Neeson. The man appears to be in every film at the multiplex because, well, he is.

But what explains this other British Invasion (Ok, Liam Neeson may not be British. In fact, I think he's Irish...? Isn't that all the same shit anyway?)?

Pierce Brosnan aka Mr. 3rd Place (cause his portrayal of James Bond is only the third best out of six) is in every fucking movie at the multiplex that Liam Neeson is NOT in.

Hell, they even tried to be in the same movie, but there was a bit of a miscommunication. Liam told Pierce (Also a good friend of mine. His wife is far less bitchy than Liam's was.) he was going to play Zeus, so Pierce signed up for PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS: BLAH BLAH BLAH, thinking this was the movie Liam was talking about, because as everyone in Hollywood knows (including Liam and Pierce), Liam and Pierce have been looking for another project to collaborate on for ages. And ages. And ages. Unfortunately, Liam was referring to CLASH OF THE TITANS. So, he went on to make far more money than Pierce. But, Pierce had the last laugh, because he went on to look like far less of a fool than Liam, who will never live "Release the Kraken" down.

Okay, so Pierce has stuck his dick in far less places than Liam. He's only had four released projects since MAMMA MIA!, two projects currently in Pre-Production, and four In Development. But, take a look at this tasty little factoid... Liam has three movies currently in theaters, while Pierce has four (if you were to find PERCY JACKSON GODS STEAL LIGHTENING BLAH at a dollar theater)! Pierce currently has THE GREATEST, GHOST WRITER, and REMEMBER ME (and OLYMPIANS) out while Liam has CHLOE, CLASH OF THE OLYMPIANS OR SOME SUCH SHIT, AFTER.LIFE, and possibly a movie he's narrated. But I'm not gonna count that one here (even though I counted it earlier).

So, for all intensive purposes (my purposes), Pierce has out-dicked Liam, with 4 movies currently in theaters to Liam's 3.

What's up Pierce (I'll be sure to ask him when we meet for drinks tonight)? What tragedy hath befallen you? And why didn't you choose the Europe/drug coma route?

Is it possible the loss of one's identity is far more horrid and painful than the loss of one's dick hole? What I mean to say is, has losing the role of a lifetime (James Bond, duh!) finally made Pierce crack? Was it one of those denial dealies where Pierce was in denial since DIE ANOTHER DAY, not believing he really lost the only thing that gave him value, until there were, not one, but TWO James Bond movies starring "that other guy" (who happens to make a far better 007 than Pierce.)?

 Finally accepting the loss allowed Pierce to move on to grieving, which he dealt with quite similarly to our mutual acquaintance, Liam.  At least, that's the only conceivable reason that Pierce "Bond 4Ever" Brosnan has more movies out at the ole' multiplex than Liam "My Wife Is Dead... Whah!" Neeson.

Because it sucks to lose your spouse, but it must suck to lose all that James Bond money more.

And so Pierce Brosnan has not finished teaching me lessons in my "adulthood." From a young age, Pierce taught me that women were nothing more than sexy sidekicks who will have partially clothed sex with you if you are about to save the world. Or if you had just saved the world. But only if they didn't turn out to be evil. Though, even if they are (evil, I mean.), Pierce taught that you can still let them them "sex" you, as long as you reveal to them after that you knew they were evil all along. And kill them.

But today, Pierce has taught me the most valuable lesson of all. That money and fame are more important than any sort of human relationship, no matter how much sexing is involved (Trust me, I knew Liam and whats-her-face very well. There was a lot of sexing!).

Thanks, Pierce! You're my number 3 guy!

STAR TREK: Ranked or Reaching the Full Potential of My Nerdiness

I've finally done it. I've finally  reached my full potential of nerdiness.

I was always fated to reach this level. It was destiny. I've always loved Star Warsm so the seed of Sci-Fi was there. My father was a fan of Star Trek (not a Trekkie, but a fan. When I was very little, he was a Vulcan once for Halloween.). So it seems unavoidable that I would one day become obessed with the Trek.

It started with 2009's brand new take on Star Trek. I had always avoided Trek before, being a hardcore Star Wars fan in my youth. Trek was the enemy, as it was obvious to me then that one could only like Star Wars or Star Trek. There was no room for both.  But, Goddamn J.J. Abrams. Sure, his TV shows are nothing to write home about (fuck Lost), but he's a fantastic feature director. Mission: Impossible III was fantastic, and so was Star Trek (it made my Top 9 of '09 list afterall).

But Abrams' Star Trek wasn't just a fucking great film, it was a goddamn gateway drug! I loved the characters so  much and wanted more. More Kirk, more Spock, and most importantly, more Dr. Leonard "I'm a doctor not a..." Bones McCoy. So I moved on to the original movies, vowing to limit my Trek exposure to the adventures of this original trio. So, I watched all 6 of the orginal movies and the hunger for Trek was quenched... for a time.

Then, Star Trek (2009) came out on Bluray. And I began watching the original series on TV, finding that I suddenly loved it (I had tried watching it freshman year of college and was bored with it after 3 episodes). The original series really is Science Fiction at it's absolute best. The plots are classic Sci Fi and the show far surpasses all other Sci Fi besides the original Star Wars Trilogy (yes, I'm saying Star Trek: The Original Series is superior to the new Trek movie, 2001: A Space Odyssey, new Star Wars, and any other Sci Fi you want to challenge my statement with... but that is another nerdy blog for another time).

So, I wanted more. I moved onto the Next Generation movies. And once I finish the Original Series, I shall consume the Next Generation TV series. Because Star Trek is awesome (in a nerdy way, not an awesome way)! It has far more back story than Lord of the Rings, far more tradition and order than Star Wars; it is perhaps the most well thought out and developed franchise of all time (perhaps). Gene Roddenberry knew his shit (the book about the creation of the original series is a must read for any wanna be TV writer, in it his show bible, first draft outlines, pitches, and scripts are revealed).

But, I did not write this blog to convert you to Trek. I wrote it to rank all 11 movies. Because I love writing about what I enjoy and I love listing things. There are no spoilers in this blog, simply a quick one sentence summary of each film involving no twists or 2nd act plot points. It's simply a way for me to explain why I choose the order I did, because you care so very much about what I think. Plus, if you do take my advice and watch a few Trek films, you know which ones to check out and which to avoid, if you aren't as crazy as I am in deciding to watch all 11.

Without further to do, another Nick Doll list... Engage!

11. Star Trek IX: Insurrection  -  A bunch of aliens try to relocate a bunch of other aliens off their planet so they can harvest the planet's youth preserving properties.

My thoughts: Meh. Very "meh." Sure, I get that this is all allegory for our treatment of the Native Americans, but why do I give a shit? The villains look awesome, but never seem that terrifying a foe. A pretty worthless movie all things said and done.
 

10. Star Trek VII: Generations -  Captain Picard must stop a madman from destroying a planet just so he can get back to the Nexus: a place where all your greatest joy's are realized. This involves a team up with Captian Kirk.

My Thoughts: The best part about this movie is that Kirk is in it. And Kirk is more badass than any member of Next Generation, so that is this film's only saving grace. The villain is alright, his plot kinda of interesting, as is the promise of the Nexus and the tempting power it has over Picard and Kirk. The showdown is pretty alright, but nothing spectacular. Decent movie in it's own right, just slightly better than "meh."

9. Star Trek VIII: First Contact - The Borg, a race of machines that assimilate living organisms into their species or something, travel back in time to 2060 something to infest the human race. Following them through their time warp, only Picard and the crew of the Enterprise can stop them, even as their ship is infested by the Borg from the inside out.

My Thoughts: The Borg are actually a pretty intriguing foe. The way the Enterprise is literally being infested from it's most inner decks outward is kinda cool. And the Borg Queen has her fair share of interesting villain monologues. Also, the plot involving First Contact between humans and an alien race in 2060-something  has a cool finale, though all the scenes leading up to said finale are a drag and simply steal momentum from the Borg assault on the Enterprise. Time Travel is treated too lightly here, as is usually the case with Trek (but was not with the new one). It's way too easy to simply travel back and time and return.
 

8. Star Trek I - The Motion Picture - The newly outfitted Enterprise returns to duty, rushing to intercept a gigantic ship that has entered Federation space with a collision course for Earth, destroying every ship in it's path.

My Thoughts: God. The plot is cool, but I've said it before and I will say it again, there's like 20 minutes of plot in this 2 hour movie. It's got the Avatar syndrome, and bad. An hour long episode of the TV series has more plot than this feature. The ending is pretty cool though, even if it wasn't worth sitting through an hour and a half of "state-of-the-art" (in the 80s) glory shots of the Enterprise flying through space and through bigger ships.

7. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country - The Klingons and the The Federation are ready to negotiate peace, when there is an attack on a Klingon ship for which the crew of the Enterprise are framed for (God, I feel so nerdy just writing these summaries)! With peace hanging in the balance, Kirk and Bones are taken prisoner by the Klingons.

My Thoughts: I love Bones. And this movie gives Bones some pretty decent screen time when he is sent to a Klingon prison world with Kirk. So, that alone makes this movie worthwhile for me. It also has the classic, two Kirks, "I'm the real Kirk, shoot him, not me!" scene (which was interestingly enough also done in the original TV show). This scene always kills me, in a good way.

6. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock - After the finale of Wrath Of Khan, the crew of the Enterprise does just what the title says they do. They come up against some very dangerous Klingons, the leader of which is played by Doc Brown himself, Christopher Lloyd!

My Thoughts: The best part about this movie is Christopher Lloyd. He makes an awesome Klingon. That's really all I have to say about it.

5. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home - When a giant ship neutralizes all the Federation ships around Earth, it is up Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise to travel back to 1980s San Francisco to capture a species extinct in their time, a humpback whale, the only species that can communicate with the alien craft (yes, this one is just as zany and bizarre as the plot suggests).

My Thoughts: This one is so fucking wacky! Just read that plot again! They go back in time... to get a whale! You basically have the crew trying to fit in with people from the 1980s. Classic. There's a great convo where Kirk tries to explain curse words to Spock... just... classic. Time Travel is dealt with more class and care here than in First Contact.

 4. Star Trek X: Nemesis - Picard faces off against the ultimate Nemesis, a clone of himself grown by the Romulans, who will stop at nothing to destroy Earth and the Federation.

My Thoughts: Easily the best of the Next Generation Treks, I actually liked it better than most the original ones too, even with it's lack of Kirk, Spock, and Bones. That's because I love plots with doppelganger villains, so who better for Picard to face off against than his clone? Tom Hardy expertly plays this younger version of Picard. God, that actor rocks. Just check out Bronson where he is Bronson the most dangerous British prisoner of all time, or RocknRolla where he is Handsome Bob aka the gay member of the Wild Bunch. And word on the street is that he may play Mad Max next. Tom Hardy is going places. There are some really great scenes hear between Hardy and Patrick Stewart, playing off of the shadowy reflection idea a la Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Plus, one of my Barnes and Noble managers, Nick (no relation), is in a deleted scene. Badass!

3. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier - The Enterprise is captured by a madman, who wants to take it outside the reaches of the Galaxy to find God.

My Thoughts: The plot isn't necessarily that great, but this one is my third favorite because it plays up the triangle of the friendship between Kirk, Spock, and Bones. All 3 get nearly equal screen time, something Bones almost never gets (though he absolutely deserves it). Hopefully, the new second Trek movie coming out in two years takes a cue from this movie and plays up the heroic threesome (a super sexy threesome indeed) more than the first did. Because I love me some Bones.

2. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - Kirk faces off against his most brilliant foe from the television series, Khan, who he left stranded on a barely habitable planet after their last encounter.

My Thoughts: Khaaan! Kirk's greatest foe makes for Star Trek's second most exciting adventure. If you see one Trek movie that wasn't directed by Abrams, see this one. It is one of the most referenced Sci Fi films of all time. A true classic.

1. Star Trek (2009) - The origin story of the Enterprise and her crew (if you haven't seen this one you really are a []).

My Thoughts: I shouldn't have to say anything about this one. Because you've seen it. It's the most action packed, well written and acted Trek film of them all. The gateway drug into a great franchise. Super successful as the world's first prequel/sequel as well, resetting the Trek universe while staying true to the source. Masterful.


There. I got that Trek Blog out of my system (for now...).

Live Long and Prosper! (Ha ha! My nerdiness knows no bounds... boldly going where I have never gone before...)