I am not a dick.

I may be a parasite, but I am not a dick.

But I do play one on the internet.

One of my dear friends, also a dear reader, accused me of being a horrible person. Maybe it was my comments about homeless people being "putrid human beings" and "subhuman creatures" or maybe it was when I stated "fucking homeless" and then "fucking homeless!" Maybe it was when I proved I was not racist by saying I hate all people equally. Maybe it was when I told the man who invented roller shoes to take his time machine and use it to kill his infant self (Hell yes, this blog posting has become a clip show). Or perhaps it was when I called people who use headsets "faggity douches."

Look, I'm not really an asshole. I don't hate as much as I appear to hate on this blog. It's more a character, like Stephen Colbert on his show vs. the real Stephen Colbert. The Nick Doll who blogs is an exaggerated version of the real Nick Doll (I've always wanted to refer to myself in third person on the net... besides on a Facebook Status or Twitter Update).

I am an unfunny, much less clever version of this man.

I may actually have nothing but animosity toward people who feel entitled enough to ask for a store to open for them after it has closed or who jay walk at a slow, greedy pace so oncoming traffic must slow down as not to shatter their windshield and get blood and guts all over their car. But I would never act hostile towards such a person were I to encounter them face to face, either on the street or in the retail setting. Because I may hate them secretly, but I don't want to be a dick.

I may ignore homeless people on the street when they ask for change, but I don't actually consider them subhuman or putrid creatures. I just don't want to give them money, and ignoring them is easier than saying no (and, come on, everyone does it! [Like cigarettes.]).

So, I am not a dick.

But I will continue to act like a dick on the internet.

A Letter to the Man Who Invented Roller Shoes

Dear Man Who Invented Roller Shoes,

Are you out of your fucking mind? Was it your plan to become the most evil man since Hitler or were you just not thinking? Though I find it hard to believe that such an atrocity against the human race can be an accident, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Which is far more than fucking valueless scum like yourself deserves.

The only explanation I can think of that explains your mental retardation is that your mother and father must have been brother and sister, or possibly father and daughter ("My sister, my daughter, my sister, my daughter!"). And this unholy matrimony must have been that in a long line of incest dating back to when two twin monkeys (one female and one male, like Luke and Leia) stuck it in one another (the male being the one to stick it in the female ["it" being his little, hard monkey cock.]).

Nothing else can explain why anyone would look at a pair of children's shoes and say to himself, "I could stick a wheel in that." You sir, would disgust me less if you stuck it ("it" being your penis again) into woodland creatures, because that train of thought is far more logical than whatever was going through your head when you combined shoe and wheel (I mean, who hasn't felt a tingling in their pants at the sight of a Beaver slapping his dam together with that majestic tail of his?).

This guy totally has a hard on. Who can blame him?

Now, the Roller Blade and the Roller Skate make perfect sense. Without the roller skate, how would we preform the funky chicken without looking like assholes? And without the roller blade, how would we be able to tell the homosexuals from the general population? With these two roller devices filling every roller hole, why the fuck would you create the roller shoe?

With the roller blades cropped from this picture
you cannot tell which of these two men is gay.

The roller shoe has only served one purpose: it makes children more annoying than they already are. Before the roller shoe, children were the second most annoying thing in the world. Now, children have passed Fox News correspondents as the greatest annoyance facing mankind today. I would literally rather suck Glenn Beck's cock than witness one more child run down a stretch of hall, leaning back, letting his wheels take him in a maddening yet graceful spiral until he skids to a soul-crushing halt. Seriously, a child with roller shoes is like a Transformer combined with Spongebob Squarepants, if this crime-against-nature-Trans-Sponge-Bob was high on cocaine.

Seriously, Man Who Invented Roller Shoes, if I kill a child it is for one of two reasons. Either I was picking a song on my iPod while driving down a suburban neighborhood, or, more likely, I murdered a little bastard who broke into a roll while I was waiting in line at the movie theater. If this happens, the blood is on your hands. The former is my own fault, as I have filled my iPod with so much stolen garbage (meaning shitty music, not the band who sang "The World Is Not Enough") that the "Shuffle Songs" action is almost as unthinkable as the roller shoe.

How can you sleep at night? Knowing all the childcides and suicides your roller shoe is responsible for. I was not exaggerating when I referred to you as the most evil man since Hitler, earlier in this letter. In fact, I take that back. You, sir, are worse than Hitler. Worse than Hitler!

I would suggest you kill yourself, but that is not enough. Take that "genius" mind of yours and spend the rest of your life toiling to invent a time machine. Take that time machine back to your childhood, find your childhood self, attach a pair of roller shoes to your little child feet, attach rockets to your little child arms, and launch your little child self off a cliff with the aid of the roller shoes and rocket arms. Then, go back in time again and do the same to your little, tiny infant self for good measure.

If you do not do it, I will. And you don't want that, because I am dangerously close to cracking the time machine as it is.My time machine is close to completion.

Anyway, I hope this letter finds you well. And yes, I am still interested in purchasing your story to develop into a screenplay as earlier discussed.

Be Seeing You,
Nick Doll

P.S. I would love a pair of roller shoes since I bet you get them for free and what-not. Think about it.