Fuck You, NPR! How could you say such a terrible thing?

I'm either the most unlucky or the most naive person in the history of radio.

Every few months I get a hankerin' for some good old fashioned NPR (that's National Public Radio for you folks who are under fifty years of age). Unfortunately for me, every time I turn on NPR it's membership drive time.

Membership drive time is that special time when NPR asks... neigh... begs for money. It's where they try a combination of guilting you to give ("If you ran a public radio station and needed money for it's upkeep we'd give it to you!" and "You know you listen to it every goddamn day, so give us some goddamn money and stop being a goddamn freeloader!" [they would never say fuck on wholesome National Public Radio, not even in such a godless place as Los Angeles.]) and bribing you to give by offering you completely useless shit like and Earthquake detector (10 bucks says I know how I'm gonna die after that comment...), an extra battery for your cellphone, an NPR book lamp, or an iPad (ooOOoo, timely and biting).

So, am I unlucky for just happening to tune in during the NPR membership drive every time? Or naive for believing the drive isn't actually run 365 days a year (If that number is incorrect, I apologize. But as I've stated before, actual facts are overrated and not worth the time it takes to google them for accuracy.)? Or an arrogant prick for pointing out that I am cultured enough to tune into NPR, albeit it is only two weeks a year? I plea  the third (of the three preceding choices).

At least I take comfort in knowing that I don't owe them money for all the "free" educational programing I am receiving. Because, by listening to membership drive week only, I am never receiving any free educational programming. All I am hearing is pleas for money. It's like going to a Catholic mass (Oh, snap! Religious humor stemming from my upbringing. And it's Catholic related! Move over Kevin Smith, Stephen Colbert, and Jim Gaffigan!).  

Today though, NPR ensured, that even if I do manage the improbable feat (feet? Is feat a word? Is it the right word? Are you fucking with me, spell check?) of listening to an actual NPR program that isn't related to asking for money, I will NEVER, EVER, under ANY circumstance give money to them. EVER! (Unless I am trying to trick a female [human...hopefully] into thinking I am a caring individual who deserves to get laid, if just once in my miserable life.)

Today, NPR pissed me off. Very badly in fact. To a point where I yelled "Aww, heeeeell Naaaaaaw!," or something similar, at my radio and verbally told myself (yes, I talk to myself [quite often in fact]) I would never, ever, under any circumstance give money to NPR.

It wasn't anything political. It wasn't an attack on me in any way. And yet it was the most offending thing they could ever say.

It was simply this...

"You know, you can't spell fundraiser with fun--"

FUCK

YOU

NPR

What a horribly unclever clever thing to say. It's an insult. An insult to anyone with a brain.

I also can't spell fundraiser without FUND, which is what I am attempting to RAISE by holding a FUNDRAISER!

Jesus Christ! Some people!

I am not a dick.

I may be a parasite, but I am not a dick.

But I do play one on the internet.

One of my dear friends, also a dear reader, accused me of being a horrible person. Maybe it was my comments about homeless people being "putrid human beings" and "subhuman creatures" or maybe it was when I stated "fucking homeless" and then "fucking homeless!" Maybe it was when I proved I was not racist by saying I hate all people equally. Maybe it was when I told the man who invented roller shoes to take his time machine and use it to kill his infant self (Hell yes, this blog posting has become a clip show). Or perhaps it was when I called people who use headsets "faggity douches."

Look, I'm not really an asshole. I don't hate as much as I appear to hate on this blog. It's more a character, like Stephen Colbert on his show vs. the real Stephen Colbert. The Nick Doll who blogs is an exaggerated version of the real Nick Doll (I've always wanted to refer to myself in third person on the net... besides on a Facebook Status or Twitter Update).

I am an unfunny, much less clever version of this man.

I may actually have nothing but animosity toward people who feel entitled enough to ask for a store to open for them after it has closed or who jay walk at a slow, greedy pace so oncoming traffic must slow down as not to shatter their windshield and get blood and guts all over their car. But I would never act hostile towards such a person were I to encounter them face to face, either on the street or in the retail setting. Because I may hate them secretly, but I don't want to be a dick.

I may ignore homeless people on the street when they ask for change, but I don't actually consider them subhuman or putrid creatures. I just don't want to give them money, and ignoring them is easier than saying no (and, come on, everyone does it! [Like cigarettes.]).

So, I am not a dick.

But I will continue to act like a dick on the internet.