AVATARD Vs. TRANSFORMERS 2

As I've said previously, the movie AVATAR reminds me of most is STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (1979). Both have about 20 minutes of plot spread out over several extra hours of what were state-of-the-art special effects at the time of release and therefore have no entertainment value three decades after they are released.

That being said, the movie that AVATAR is most like in the past decade is TRANSFORMERS 2 (but only because DANCES WITH WOLVES and FERNGULLY were made in the early 90s). So, I decided to compare the two side by side in several categories to determine which was the better film. Join me, if you will, in examining two of the longest, most boring films of 2009.


As with my previous AVATARD blog, if you haven't seen AVATAR, don't read between the happy smurf and the bored smurf. Because, between the happy and the bored smurf lies the plot of AVATAR (Get it this time? Because between the a happy and bored Nick there was a viewing of Avatar. [Gee, I love my own shit]. There is only 1 instance of spoilers. So enjoy the rest all you smart people who skipped AVATAR!

CAST

TRANSFORMERS 2 : Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, John Tuturro, giant robots.

AVATAR : Sigourny Weaver, Uhura from STAR TREK (sort of), that general from THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS, that dude-from-TERMINATOR: SALVATION-who-Hollywood-keeps-trying-to-pass-off-as-a-star-but-I-don't-see-it, that gawky dude from DODGEBALL, smurfs.

Advantage: TRANSFORMERS 2. Sure, Megan Fox is one of the worst actors of all time (if not the worst), but nobody fucks with the beef (Shia). He's Spielberg's golden boy. He's got the good looks, the great arms (as my sister informs me), the charm, the comedic edge... he's the next Ben Affleck as far as action movies are concerned (I bet he'll fade just as fast). And John Tuturro is hilarious. All Avatar really has is Sigourney Weaver, and she is 20 years past "movie star" status.

SCRIPT

TRANSFORMERS 2: Megatron is back and he wants... something. Shia's going to college... yada, yada, yada... explosions. Giant plot holes ensue, dialog stinks, characters are straight from INDEPENDENCE DAY. Typical Michael Bay movie. Written by those two whiz kids who wrote STAR TREK (WTF? Best and worst blockbuster scripts of the year are by the same guys? [Explanation, one script was written before the strike, the other after. Yet both came out at the same time, just a year after it ended... peculiar.]).

AVATAR: Dances With Smurfs. No plot holes neccesarily, but important details are left out, dialog stinks, and characters are straight out of typical Sci Fi handbook. Feels like a Michael Bay movie. Written by James Cameron (who brought you TITANIC).

Advantage: AVATAR. You didn't actually think I would say AVATAR's script was worse than TRANSFORMERS 2 did you? Sure AVATAR's script sucked, but TRANSFORMERS 2 didn't even make sense!

RACISM

TRANSFORMERS 2: The two most racist CGI characters sense Jar Jar Binks. Two robots who speak like they are "gangsta," wear gold chains and have gold teeth, and can't read. Fail.

AVATAR: The most racist alien species since the Gungans (Jar Jar's people). Those blue aliens are obviously like an "African tribe" in all ways except their skin is blue, down to the casting (all the main smurfs were played by black actors). My friend Bobby explained it best in his AVATAR review.

Advantage: TRANSFORMERS 2. It doesn't get much more racist than two "black" futuristic robots who are machines far more advanced than humans, yet still cannot read. But, at least this racism made for amusing moments.

DIRECTOR

TRANSFORMERS 2 : Michael Bay (THE ROCK, BAD BOYS, THE ISLAND, ARMAGEDDON)

AVATAR: James Cameron (TERMINATOR 1 & 2, ALIENS, TITANIC)

Advantage: Tie. After these two three hour spectacles, I honestly can't tell the difference between the two.

SEX APPEAL

TRANSFORMERS 2: Two words: Megan Fox. Okay, three words: Megan Fucking Fox! Okay, many words (that's right, I was too lazy to count them): Megan Fucking Fox oiled up before every scene.

AVATAR: A sex scene between two smurfs? Then, later, a scene where a smurf caresses a human with her blue hands?
And Sigourney Weaver is the only human chick in the movie? What the fuck were they thinking?

Advantage: Megan Fox... er... TRANSFORMERS 2.

LENGTH

TRANSFORMERS 2: 150 minutes.

AVATAR: 162 minutes.

Advantage: God bless you, Michael Bay, for keeping your film under 162 minutes!

SPECIAL EFFECTS

TRANSFORMERS 2: State of the art special effects animate giant robots that look flawless.

AVATAR: State of the art special effects animate blue aliens that look soulless (like every CGI character before them), but also pretty flawless other than that. 3-D is pretty damn cool (though those glasses were not designed to be worn for 3 hours!).

Advantage: AVATAR, only because of the 3-D. Otherwise, both have state of the art special effects and anyone who claims one is "more fake" or "less fake" than the other is full of shit.

FINAL TALLY

TRANSFORMERS 2: 5

AVATAR: 3

(That's 5 points for Trannies 2 and 3 points for AVATAR, not TRANSFOMERS 25 and AVATAR 3. Both ideas terrify The Living Daylights out of me [shit son, there's another Bond reference mother fucker {can anyone say callback?}]).

So, Megan Fox... er... TRANSFORMERS 2 for the win.!

But, it is such a shitty movie, so going against the data, I'm gonna say AVATAR is the better movie. Script is so important to me and AVATAR squeaks by in that category because TRANSFORMERS 2 really has one of the worst scripts of all time.

Still, I hope to God I won't be seeing either, ever again.

Be seeing you.

Nick's Fall 2009 TV Preview! Huzah!

This fall stands to be the most exciting in the history of Television!

Don't trust me?

Well...

Well...

Well, in all honesty I have no actual facts to back that statement up. All I have are my own opinions on what may "rock your metaphorical socks off" this fall. I'm personally planning on being "metaphorically barefoot" all fall. I hope my "metaphorical feet" don't get "cold"... if you know what I mean.

Wink, Wink.

Nudge, Nudge.

(I think I mean that I hope TV rocks as hard as I hope it will this fall, though, in all honesty, I kinda lost it there with that last metaphor and I'm not sure what I mean...)

What qualifies me to tell you what TV will be good this fall? Well, you tell me, sir or madam, because you're the one reading the blog.

First off, a note of clarification. Some shows on my list are considered "summer" shows and are not technically part of the fall line up. But honestly, what studio crack-head defines a show that starts in late August as a summer show? Most the run takes place in the fall! TV heads need to stop doing crack!

Without further-a-do-di-li-do, my countdown of 8, count 'em, 8 SHOWS NOT TO MISS THIS FALL, from mildly exciting to practically arousing in excitement levels...


8. 30 ROCK - Season 4 - TBA - The best show on Network TV (only good show left on the networks?). The whole cast is hilarious and the writing is sharp as a tack (don't step on it with your metaphorical bare feet [not that metaphorical socks would be of any help...]). My only reservation is that last season was real hit or miss. Some episodes were great! :) <-- Smiley face! But others were lacking. :( <-- Frowny face! I never even finished the season, though I will when it hits DVD.


7. CALIFORNICATION - Season 3 - September 27th - Really loved the first season. David Duchovny is the shit and the first season had a really well crafted, complete arc with beginning, middle, and end. It was practically a self contained series in itself. I still have yet to watch Season 2, but assuming it's half as good as Season 1, I will be watching Season 3! So, let's pretend I've seen Season 2 and it was half as good as Season 1 when I say this, "Watch Season 3!" (Whew! All those numbers were beginning to get confusing. I'm a doctor! Not a mathematician!)


6. PSYCH - Season 4 - On Now! - PSYCH is just good, clean, fun. Easily the most appropriate show I watch, PSYCH amuses with fantastic characters (prime example of USA's "Characters wanted" creed) and great 80s references. Its a fun twist on an incredibly tired genre (like we really need more straight forward crime shows). It's the show so nice they made it twice (MENTALIST is a blatant rip off of PSYCH).

5. SOUTH PARK - Season 13 (part 2) - October - I'm as surprised as you are that this gem doesn't rank even higher on my list. It barely made the top 5!

-- Interesting note, it was last on my list (as in, show I was least excited for) but in writing about it I looked at the previous episodes from the last half of season 13. Turns out, it's actually one of the strongest half seasons ever, with classic eps I loved including "THE RING" with Mickey Mouse flipping his lid, "THE COON", "MAGARITAVILLE" which explained the economy to me, "EAT, PRAY, QUEEF", "FISHSTICKS" where Kayne West wasn't no Gay Fish, "PINEWOOD DERBY", and "FATBEARD" which ended the run the same way Obama ended those pirates. Do yourself a favor and watch the whole season now using those links. With the economy the way it is, you have nothing better to do. --

So, originally I wrote a rant about how I wasn't that excited, but its been scraped. All I can say now is that the 2nd half of Season 13 holds as much promise for SOUTH PARK as ever. The only reason SP isn't number one on my list is that it has been on for 13 years, so the shows I've ranked about it simply feel fresher.


4. BORED TO DEATH - Season 1 - September 20th - Whaaa? A brand new show? What is this show?

Here's what it is...

A new HBO Comedy (can I even count it on this list? After all, it's not TV, it's HBO. Right?)! It stars two of my favorite actors, Jason Schwartzman and Zach Galifianakis (neither of whom have nearly enough projects), and Ted Dansen who has proven himself by playing... er... himself on CURB. BORED TO DEATH has a definite promise for extreme comedy. The premise is even awesome; a writer turns private detective after posting a Craig's List ad... well... advertising himself as such. Skrillin'!


3. MAD MEN - Season 3 - August 16th - Yes, MAD MEN is as good as critics claim. And yes, you are a fool for not watching it (I apologize if you are one of the two people who I know watches it. You're not a fool.). To the rest of you, no aplogogies. I don't normally watch dramas (the only one I've really watched is 24, but thats more action show than actual drama) because they're all the same stupid crime or medical show format, but MAD MEN is fantastic. Really, its the ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT of dramas, and if you know me, you know what a crazy statement that is for me to make.

And I ain't gay, but DON DRAPER aka Jon Hamm is quite possibly the best looking man on the planet. (Sorry Brad Pitt.) And He sure can sell Ham!


2. IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - Season 5 - September 17th - After their best season yet, the gang's back for new hijinks and betrayels. Season 4 surpassed all my expectations with a sequel to my favorite SUNNY episode ever ("MAC BANGS DENNIS' MOM") in "MAC BANGS THE WAITRESS" and a Dayman musical in "THE NIGHTMAN COMETH" (which I will be seeing live in LA in September!). Season 5 is already responsible for the funniest clip on TV this year so I expect nothing but greatness when SUNNY finally returns in a month.


1. CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM - Larry David is quite possibly the funniest writer/actor alive today. SEINFELD is amazing and the last 6 seasons of CURB are utterly (moo) sublime. It's kind of embarrassing as a writer to admit that the best thing on TV (where did I land with that? Is it TV or is it HBO? Can it be that HBO IS TV because HBO is on TV?) is adlibbed. This season has the possibility of being the best yet, as the entire cast of SEINFELD reunites to do a SEINFELD reunion (more than half of which is actually included in an episode!). We'll finally get to see what happened to Jerry, George, Elaine and the racist after (if?) they got out of prison. In this season's arc, Larry gets convinced to do something his "real life" (who is more real, "real life Larry" or "TV Larry?") counterpart would never do, write the reuinion ep. Extreme promise for comedy as it'll make for a melding of two of my top 5 shows ever, CURB and SEINFELD! This will be one not to miss!

Best moment of HBO (can't call it TV) ever!


Anyways, there's 8 reasons why you won't be seeing me this fall. So don't ask where I've been!