The man had the biggest hit of his career last year with TAKEN (As is tradition here at SIMPLY PASSING THROUGH HISTORY, I'm not gonna bother checking that "fact" [Even though STAR WARS: EPISODE 1: I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE SUBTITLE was obviously bigger.].) but right as he was basking in his well deserved glory, his wife kicked the bucket somehow (I don't remember how, what her name was, or if said event happened close to the release of TAKEN or not [You get what you pay for, you cheap fuck. Go buy a book. Or Nook. But make sure my managers I know I sold you on that shit, cause I get a cookie.].).
As everyone in Hollywood knows, following the death of a loved one, every actor has two choices. You either withdraw from the public spotlight, moving to Europe for a self induced drug coma that only an acting salary can support, OR you stick your dick in as many projects ("Movies" in regular folk speak) about town as possible, trying to forget about the dick hole you lost when your wife died (Oh my God, I am never tricking a woman into marrying me after that comment). You know, assuming you are a Hollywood actor. Everyone else has to either suck it up or throw down on enough rope (or extension cord) for a noose. Cause drug induced comas in Europe tend to be a wee bit pricey.
Liam Neeson chose the dick sticking route (No one expected any less), as following the death of old whats-her-name, he suddenly became attached (that's movie speak for "He's planning to act in that movie... maybe.") to a shit ton of movies (For the record, I doubt very much that Liam's actual Penis is visible in any of his recent films. Though if it makes an appearance in any, my bet's on CLASH OF THE TITANS [That's shit's in 3D!]. Release "the Kraken" indeed, Mr. Neeson. Well played, old man.). Movie sites instantly began to speculate that Liam (me and him are actually very buddy-buddy. Never cared much for his wife, though. Kinda a bitch.) was intentionally taking any project he could get his hands on, just to keep his mind off the loss of his dick hole (I swear I'm not really this horrible a person).
The facts (yes, now I turn to facts... to make a point) would seem to support such a theory. Since TAKEN, Liam has been in 9 other released projects, if you count being a voice in PONYO, PRINCE CASPIAN, and the video game FALLOUT 3. Which I do. He has 5 films currently in post production including THE A-TEAM (of which he appears to be the most bad ass part). And he has five projects "In Development" (but that doesn't really mean shit. LINCOLN has been in development for years and may never happen. But hopefully it does, cause it's to be directed by Steven Spielberg!). So, all together that's 19 projects following TAKEN! I realize some of these were likely complete before his wife's passing and others may never actually happen ("In Development" really means jack shit.), but that's still a really fucking full plate for one man. A lot of holes in which to stick his dick, so to say.
So that is the sad, sad tale of Liam Neeson. The man appears to be in every film at the multiplex because, well, he is.
But what explains this other British Invasion (Ok, Liam Neeson may not be British. In fact, I think he's Irish...? Isn't that all the same shit anyway?)?
Pierce Brosnan aka Mr. 3rd Place (cause his portrayal of James Bond is only the third best out of six) is in every fucking movie at the multiplex that Liam Neeson is NOT in.
Hell, they even tried to be in the same movie, but there was a bit of a miscommunication. Liam told Pierce (Also a good friend of mine. His wife is far less bitchy than Liam's was.) he was going to play Zeus, so Pierce signed up for PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS: BLAH BLAH BLAH, thinking this was the movie Liam was talking about, because as everyone in Hollywood knows (including Liam and Pierce), Liam and Pierce have been looking for another project to collaborate on for ages. And ages. And ages. Unfortunately, Liam was referring to CLASH OF THE TITANS. So, he went on to make far more money than Pierce. But, Pierce had the last laugh, because he went on to look like far less of a fool than Liam, who will never live "Release the Kraken" down.
Okay, so Pierce has stuck his dick in far less places than Liam. He's only had four released projects since MAMMA MIA!, two projects currently in Pre-Production, and four In Development. But, take a look at this tasty little factoid... Liam has three movies currently in theaters, while Pierce has four (if you were to find PERCY JACKSON GODS STEAL LIGHTENING BLAH at a dollar theater)! Pierce currently has THE GREATEST, GHOST WRITER, and REMEMBER ME (and OLYMPIANS) out while Liam has CHLOE, CLASH OF THE OLYMPIANS OR SOME SUCH SHIT, AFTER.LIFE, and possibly a movie he's narrated. But I'm not gonna count that one here (even though I counted it earlier).
So, for all intensive purposes (my purposes), Pierce has out-dicked Liam, with 4 movies currently in theaters to Liam's 3.
What's up Pierce (I'll be sure to ask him when we meet for drinks tonight)? What tragedy hath befallen you? And why didn't you choose the Europe/drug coma route?
Is it possible the loss of one's identity is far more horrid and painful than the loss of one's dick hole? What I mean to say is, has losing the role of a lifetime (James Bond, duh!) finally made Pierce crack? Was it one of those denial dealies where Pierce was in denial since DIE ANOTHER DAY, not believing he really lost the only thing that gave him value, until there were, not one, but TWO James Bond movies starring "that other guy" (who happens to make a far better 007 than Pierce.)?
Finally accepting the loss allowed Pierce to move on to grieving, which he dealt with quite similarly to our mutual acquaintance, Liam. At least, that's the only conceivable reason that Pierce "Bond 4Ever" Brosnan has more movies out at the ole' multiplex than Liam "My Wife Is Dead... Whah!" Neeson.
Because it sucks to lose your spouse, but it must suck to lose all that James Bond money more.
And so Pierce Brosnan has not finished teaching me lessons in my "adulthood." From a young age, Pierce taught me that women were nothing more than sexy sidekicks who will have partially clothed sex with you if you are about to save the world. Or if you had just saved the world. But only if they didn't turn out to be evil. Though, even if they are (evil, I mean.), Pierce taught that you can still let them them "sex" you, as long as you reveal to them after that you knew they were evil all along. And kill them.
But today, Pierce has taught me the most valuable lesson of all. That money and fame are more important than any sort of human relationship, no matter how much sexing is involved (Trust me, I knew Liam and whats-her-face very well. There was a lot of sexing!).
First off, let me say this. Only someone raised Catholic is allowed to bash the Catholic Church, The Vatican, Catholics, or the Nazi Pope. Saying anything negative about the Church, no matter how true, is anti-Semitic (well, the Catholic version) unless you are a Catholic or you were raised Catholic (But not if you were raised by Catholics. This ain't no Jungle Book type situation). If I can't say the Jews are greedy and hoard their gold or that Blacks, excuse me, African Americans are all thieves, then you can't say what you want to about Catholic Priests. Doesn't matter which statements are true and which are false.
Since I am Catholic, I will say what we are all thinking relating to horrid stories we have seen in the media as of late...
What the fuck are Catholics (and Christians) thinking when they close the mall today!?!
It's a Sunday. Some people just want to go to the mall!
"I don't believe in Jesus," you may be thinking, "I should still be allowed to overpay for damaged jeans. I should still be allowed to make myself sick by eating Panda Express in the food court."
You'd be right, if you said that. And let's face it, you did.
The Catholic Church has been responsible for some pretty horrible things over the centuries, but closing the Westside Pavilion Mall in Los Angeles may just be the most vile, wretched, heinous act imaginable. No, no "mays" here. It IS the most vile, wretched, heinous act imagainable.
What about all those Jews who want overpriced clothes and a sickening heap of Panda boredom? What about those Catholics who would prefer to spend the anniversary of the day Zombie Jesus rose from the grave only to be redeadened, in the mall away from their extended families? What about that poor employee on the third floor of the Westside Pavilion Barnes and Noble who gets asked by every customer who just saw that the mall is closed, if the mall is closed?
I've let a lot of stuff fly in the past, Catholic Church. Going to Church every week was one thing. Not allowing Gays to marry was kinda a dick move. Molesting kids probably wasn't the best decision ever. But closing the fucking mall on a Sunday?!?
Someone needs to take action against the Catholic Church and that Nazi Pope. CLOSING THE MALL WILL NOT STAND!
Whew... I just went a whole blog, that was written during an Earthquake, without mentioning Earthquakes once. Or twice for that matter. Nice.
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