AVATARD Vs. TRANSFORMERS 2

As I've said previously, the movie AVATAR reminds me of most is STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (1979). Both have about 20 minutes of plot spread out over several extra hours of what were state-of-the-art special effects at the time of release and therefore have no entertainment value three decades after they are released.

That being said, the movie that AVATAR is most like in the past decade is TRANSFORMERS 2 (but only because DANCES WITH WOLVES and FERNGULLY were made in the early 90s). So, I decided to compare the two side by side in several categories to determine which was the better film. Join me, if you will, in examining two of the longest, most boring films of 2009.


As with my previous AVATARD blog, if you haven't seen AVATAR, don't read between the happy smurf and the bored smurf. Because, between the happy and the bored smurf lies the plot of AVATAR (Get it this time? Because between the a happy and bored Nick there was a viewing of Avatar. [Gee, I love my own shit]. There is only 1 instance of spoilers. So enjoy the rest all you smart people who skipped AVATAR!

CAST

TRANSFORMERS 2 : Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, John Tuturro, giant robots.

AVATAR : Sigourny Weaver, Uhura from STAR TREK (sort of), that general from THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS, that dude-from-TERMINATOR: SALVATION-who-Hollywood-keeps-trying-to-pass-off-as-a-star-but-I-don't-see-it, that gawky dude from DODGEBALL, smurfs.

Advantage: TRANSFORMERS 2. Sure, Megan Fox is one of the worst actors of all time (if not the worst), but nobody fucks with the beef (Shia). He's Spielberg's golden boy. He's got the good looks, the great arms (as my sister informs me), the charm, the comedic edge... he's the next Ben Affleck as far as action movies are concerned (I bet he'll fade just as fast). And John Tuturro is hilarious. All Avatar really has is Sigourney Weaver, and she is 20 years past "movie star" status.

SCRIPT

TRANSFORMERS 2: Megatron is back and he wants... something. Shia's going to college... yada, yada, yada... explosions. Giant plot holes ensue, dialog stinks, characters are straight from INDEPENDENCE DAY. Typical Michael Bay movie. Written by those two whiz kids who wrote STAR TREK (WTF? Best and worst blockbuster scripts of the year are by the same guys? [Explanation, one script was written before the strike, the other after. Yet both came out at the same time, just a year after it ended... peculiar.]).

AVATAR: Dances With Smurfs. No plot holes neccesarily, but important details are left out, dialog stinks, and characters are straight out of typical Sci Fi handbook. Feels like a Michael Bay movie. Written by James Cameron (who brought you TITANIC).

Advantage: AVATAR. You didn't actually think I would say AVATAR's script was worse than TRANSFORMERS 2 did you? Sure AVATAR's script sucked, but TRANSFORMERS 2 didn't even make sense!

RACISM

TRANSFORMERS 2: The two most racist CGI characters sense Jar Jar Binks. Two robots who speak like they are "gangsta," wear gold chains and have gold teeth, and can't read. Fail.

AVATAR: The most racist alien species since the Gungans (Jar Jar's people). Those blue aliens are obviously like an "African tribe" in all ways except their skin is blue, down to the casting (all the main smurfs were played by black actors). My friend Bobby explained it best in his AVATAR review.

Advantage: TRANSFORMERS 2. It doesn't get much more racist than two "black" futuristic robots who are machines far more advanced than humans, yet still cannot read. But, at least this racism made for amusing moments.

DIRECTOR

TRANSFORMERS 2 : Michael Bay (THE ROCK, BAD BOYS, THE ISLAND, ARMAGEDDON)

AVATAR: James Cameron (TERMINATOR 1 & 2, ALIENS, TITANIC)

Advantage: Tie. After these two three hour spectacles, I honestly can't tell the difference between the two.

SEX APPEAL

TRANSFORMERS 2: Two words: Megan Fox. Okay, three words: Megan Fucking Fox! Okay, many words (that's right, I was too lazy to count them): Megan Fucking Fox oiled up before every scene.

AVATAR: A sex scene between two smurfs? Then, later, a scene where a smurf caresses a human with her blue hands?
And Sigourney Weaver is the only human chick in the movie? What the fuck were they thinking?

Advantage: Megan Fox... er... TRANSFORMERS 2.

LENGTH

TRANSFORMERS 2: 150 minutes.

AVATAR: 162 minutes.

Advantage: God bless you, Michael Bay, for keeping your film under 162 minutes!

SPECIAL EFFECTS

TRANSFORMERS 2: State of the art special effects animate giant robots that look flawless.

AVATAR: State of the art special effects animate blue aliens that look soulless (like every CGI character before them), but also pretty flawless other than that. 3-D is pretty damn cool (though those glasses were not designed to be worn for 3 hours!).

Advantage: AVATAR, only because of the 3-D. Otherwise, both have state of the art special effects and anyone who claims one is "more fake" or "less fake" than the other is full of shit.

FINAL TALLY

TRANSFORMERS 2: 5

AVATAR: 3

(That's 5 points for Trannies 2 and 3 points for AVATAR, not TRANSFOMERS 25 and AVATAR 3. Both ideas terrify The Living Daylights out of me [shit son, there's another Bond reference mother fucker {can anyone say callback?}]).

So, Megan Fox... er... TRANSFORMERS 2 for the win.!

But, it is such a shitty movie, so going against the data, I'm gonna say AVATAR is the better movie. Script is so important to me and AVATAR squeaks by in that category because TRANSFORMERS 2 really has one of the worst scripts of all time.

Still, I hope to God I won't be seeing either, ever again.

Be seeing you.

Donate Your Cell Phone to a Homeless Man

One person can make a difference!

That's right, you can make a difference! Just you! All by yourself! Like a big boy/girl!

It's true. Just look at all these people who have made a difference...


Adolf Hitler

Joseph Stalin

Ghengis Khan


Ok, so all those people were evil. Just look at all the non-evil individuals who have made a difference...

Luke Skywalker
James Bond

Khan (I mean, Khaaaaaaan!)


Okay, so those were all fictional. And Khan was evil AND fictional. But there are non-evil, real, flesh and blood people who have made a difference too...

I just can't think of anyway.

The point is YOU can make a difference. Right here and right now (or, at the very least, right near here in a time slightly later than now [cause you're reading this blog at present]).

All you need to do is give your old cell phone to a homeless person. It doesn't need to have service. It doesn't have to hold a charge. It just needs to look like a cell phone.

It's a win/win!

First, the cell phone is recycled! So it's not thrown in some landfill where it eventually gets swallowed by a mutant (following the nuclear apocalypse of 2012 [damn those Mayans, there were right! But so was Planet of the Apes...]) who doesn't know better, causing it to choke to death (or, if it survives, the phone is still lodged in its mutant throat, so the poor creature can no longer eat, so it very slowly [and very painfully] starves to death. It's kind of comical really, the mutant gets so skinny that your old cell phone is visible, bulging out of it's skinny little neck). I know you've been saving all your cell phones to use the parts to construct your time machine and/or robot slave, but think about more than just yourself for a moment here! Who ever heard of anyone changing the world with a time machine!

Looking pretty insane...

Second (as in the second win in this win/win scenario), the homeless person who receives your phone no longer looks insane! Let me explain briefly (if I am capable of this).

All homeless people talk to themselves. This is a scientific fact. It has been this way since the beginning of time (well, at least since the beginning of homes).

They mutter to themselves, the carry out one-sided (sometimes two-sided) conversations, and they most certainly shout at the top of their lungs that their paper bag has been stolen by scarecrows. They appear insane. Each and every one of them. Fucking homeless.

But with cell phones, they need not look crazy! If you give a homeless person a cell phone (a much better choice than giving a mouse a cookie, because if you give a mouse a cookie, you are
just asking for a rodent infestation [which is preferable to a homeless infestation. Fucking homeless!), you are giving them their dignity back (what little dignity such putrid human beings like the homeless deserve).

Yay! Dignity!

If you see a dirty bearded man, dressed in rags, talking gibberish with a cell phone next to his ear, what is the first thing you think? I'll tell you what you will think, "I sure hope that man is not planning a terrorist attack. Perhaps I should notify the proper authorities." But this is good. This means you are not thinking, "That homeless person is insane. I should murder the lot of them someday.... That someday is today, mutha' fucka'! (*cocks shotgun*) Let's hunt!"

You don't know the phone isn't functional. That man could very well be talking to his lawyer about the seagull who stole his refrigerator.

And you don't have to donate an old phone either. Have a headset that came with your phone but don't want to look like a faggity douche (I do not use faggit as slur against gay people, I simply use it to explain people like Hollywood folk who may use a headset) by using it? Donate that to a homeless person. As long as he is smart enough to not leave the cord hanging at his waste (which may be too much to expect from the subhuman creatures known as the homeless) , that's enough to make him look like a faggity douche... a faggity douche who is not homeless or crazy (just a faggity douche).

Anyway, tomorrow, when that homeless person asks you some change, give him change instead (the Obama variety); give him your old cell phone or unused headset (assuming you are not a faggity douche). Because, that food he wants may keep him alive for a few days, but the dignity you provide him will feed him for a lifetime (because, for all we know, homeless people can live off dignity alone. We simply don't know, because there has yet to be a single homeless person in the history of man who ever had any).

Anyway, food for thought.

Be seeing you.


P.S. OF COURSE IT WAS DESIGNED BY A YOUTUBE EMPLOYEE'S FOUR YEAR OLD SON. IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT!

The Sexiest Death: You're Allergic to Sperm!

First off, let me warn by saying that I am not interested in fact. Sure, I could have researched this topic further (I do have those 13 aliens from Crystal Skull's gift to man [knowledge that will cause me to spontaneously combust if consumed all at once] via the internet), giving you important information that could very well save your life. But, like I said, I'm not interested in fact.

I am instead interested in speculation, that branches off from fact. So, sure, you could research this topic further and put rest to my idle speculation... but where is the fun in that?

Fact: Woman can be allergic to sperm!

I know, right? That's what I said. I said, "What-in-the-what-what?" just like you. No shit!

Fact: Women can be allergic to sperm. So when they have sex with a dude for the first time, they may feel a burning sensation, a real painful burning, and they may have swelling and shit, just like a person who was allergic to peanuts would after consuming peanuts or sperm (if he/she was also allergic to sperm).

Fact: In rare cases, this can lead to death, just like a peanut allergy can. But, in most cases, it just means the woman who is allergic to sperm can't have babies. Sucks, I know, right? I mean, if I can't shoot a baby out of my body, just kill me with sperm right now!

This smiley little guy just may KILL you.

Fact: Doctors can isolate this allergy (I'm sure the lingo is not correct here) using the husband's sperm (if the couple is married... not because he can't do it if they're not married, but because he's not the husband in that case. Aren't you a stupid fucker, you penis, you [now who's offensive, Andrew?]?). This doesn't always work though and if it doesn't work the couple can't have babies that they can force to follow the dreams they were too cowardly to chase themselves.

Isn't that frightening, ladies? When you have sex for the first time without a condom, you might fucking die! That ought to put the wrath of God up inside you (but not without a condom!). The sperm might get all up in them guts, cause you searing pain as you scream and scream until you just die (in rare cases... but can you really take that chance?). I mean, they ought to teach that in schools to get kids to stay abstinent or use condoms or whatever.
"No listen children, if you have sex without a condom and you're allergic to sperm, it might be the last stupid thing you ever do. Because those little sperm will get upside you and boil your blood until your eyes pop out of your skull and you shit your intestines out your butt (I said there was some speculation involved)."

I mean, seriously ladies. Eating a peanut for the first time is one thing. I mean, a Resses peanut butter cup is the most pleasurable thing I can think of (I assume being allergic to peanuts makes you allergic to peanut butter, but I honestly have no way of knowing for sure... someone bring me someone [yourself if you qualify] with a severe peanut allergy so I can shove some peanut butter down their throat, STAT!). But having sex without a condom may not be worth it. Not unless you want a million sperm bullets cutting your baby maker to shreds from the inside.

I would die for you...

Now, this does give rise to speculation (as promised).

Can dudes be allergic to sperm? Can you be allergic to something your body produces? Does some poor gay guy get blasted in the ass (a painful enough experience as is, I'm sure) only to have his ass burn with the searing pain of a thousand deaths?

Also, does sperm just burn... in there? The allergy would take effect where ever the sperm ended up, right? I mean, people who are allergic to peanuts don't need to put peanuts into their vagina (am I aloud to say that word? I am a dude...I avoided saying it thus far because it sounds so much dirtier than penis...) to find out they are allergic to peanuts. So it makes sense that an allergy to sperm would be troublesome no matter the orifice (it should really be spelled oriface, considering how many orifices the face has...).

...So that I can turn it into a weapon!

Anyway, I really don't have a point...

Except to warn you and possibly (no... definitely) save your life!

You're welcome! Though I am not able to give you all the answers because I refuse to research further (because I don't want to spontaneously combust like Irnina Spalko [well, really I'm just too fucking lazy]) it would be best for you to never have sex without a condum if you are a straight female or a gay male. Lesbians are free to lez out.

In fact, condoms can break... so just never have sex. You may either die (if your a female) or murder someone (if you're a male)! Imagine the guilt if you murdered someone with your penis (it may sound like something to brag about ["Yo, bros! I killed someone with my dick!" - "No way, bro!" - "Yes way, bro" - "Bro!" - "Bro!"] but trust me, the guilt would eat away at you like I east away at this here Reeses Cup).

Mmmmm.... Pleasure....

Yes, that's it. I wrote this blog so that virgins reading this blog will never have sex.

Because misery loves company...

I mean...

Er...

I have literally had thousands of girlfriends. And oodles upon oodles of intercourse of the sexual variety...

....

Be seeing you.

The more you know!

Knowledge is Power!

(And yet I would have spelled it knowlege without spell check...)

(....)

Best 9 Movies of '09

It's the end of the year (and the decade, but I'll get to that in a future blog)! You know what that means, right children?

Lists! Glorious lists! Let's start with the best list of them all... The Best Movies of 2009 list! A countdown! In a very particular order.

This year, I only picked 9 movies, both because it's kind of clever (best 9 of '09, see what I did there?) and because there really are only 9 movies this year that deserve the honor of being listed (that's right, being listed by me is an honor, mother fucker!). I mean, there were other good movies this year, like The Hangover, Up In The Air, Taken, Watchmen, Coraline, and I Love You Man - just to name a few - but none of those movies are good enough to be on my list. I only list the cream of the crop... the gems... the movies I would theoretically show my children in 25 or so years (should they exist [damn, I sure talk about my children a lot in these blogs... say something about my subconscious much?]).

These are the movies you, yes YOU, owe it to yourself to see, if you value my opinion (and if you don't why the fuck are you reading my blog, cockface?). You may not agree on all, but you should at least see them so you can formulate your own opinion.

A word of warning before we proceed. Though it is safe for all to view the names on the list, if you haven't seen a movie, I would not read my explanation about why I chose it, as it will contain spoilers. If you saw the movie though, please read about why I chose it.

So, without further ado, here we go!


9. Moon - An original Sci Fi movie? Yes, 2009 had three notable ones (Avatar, District 9, and Moon) An original Sci Fi movie a low budget? 2009 had two of them (District 9 and Moon). An original Sci Fi movie that was great? 2009 only had one... Moon (District 9 was merely good and Avatar was fair at best). Moon has a real classic feeling premise and pays homage to classic Sci Fi flicks like 2001: A Space Odyssey, without becoming a rip off. I love the story of man works isolated on moon, man has accident, man finds out he has a clone. Though the twist of a station run on the man power of clones who are afterward incinerated was telegraphed too well, leaving the twist not quite the shock it could have been, it still stands as a fucking great Sci Fi film. Sam Rockwell fucking kills it, proving again why he deserves to be one of my favorite actors (another honor for all to aspire toward). Double the Rockwell really is double the fun. Seriously, the man should get an Oscar nom for his fantastic acting opposite himself. Can't wait to see him in Iron Man 2, hopefully his part is bigger than the first trailer suggests.



8. Up - Though it really is hard to compare any movie to Toy Story, as it stands as a classic at this point, Up is most certainly, at the very least, my second favorite Pixar film (possibly my fav). While last year I felt Wall-E was hugely overrated, Up deserves every bit of praise it has received. No animated film has better tugged at the heart strings. The dialogue-less montage showing the life and times of Carl and Ellie was heartbreaking and the end with Carl filling the void left by Russell's father made me teary eyed as well. The humor was also especially poignant, as the squeaky voiced alpha dog had me in stitches with every phrase, both times I viewed it. The 3-D was killer too, and the animation was the best of the year (even Cameron's MoCap can't "out magic" Pixar). I also love the 1930s, adventure aesthetic the film had going on (very Indiana Jones). There is no justice in the movie world if Up does not recive an Oscar nom... for Best Picture, not best animated film.



7. The Road - Every once and a while I need a film that is simply, "depressing as fuck" (which is why No Country for Old Men is my favorite film of the decade [but more on that in a future blog]) to get a break from all the candy films (you know, the blockbusters like Star Trek and Sherlock Holmes). This year, The Road fit the bill quite nicely (as well as two darker ones to come [and by darker, I am not saying they are darker than The Road, because this is an impossibility). The Road is incredibly faithful to the book as far as I can remember it (it's been a while since I listened to the book on tape). The movie isn't ruined by Hollywood, that is, no explanations for the end of the world are forced on the audience. It's just as ambiguous as the book. The story of survival of a father and son is as engaging as it is depressing and heart breaking. The ending is fantastic, as it's not necessarily happy. Though we, as the audience, are confident this family will not devour the boy, we do realize, in horror, that they were the ones who were following the man and the boy with the dog. So, the man and the boy left the god-send of a shelter to escape friendlies. Also, though finding the family gives us hope for the boy, we know all are doomed, eventually. I love bittersweet endings like this.



6. Sherlock Holmes - This is one of those movies that seems tailor made for me. A buddy cop/bromance at it's soul, with plenty of badass action and humor (would one expect anything less from Guy Ritchie?). Downey Jr. and Jude Law are fantastic together, and their back-and-forths are incredibly amusing in a very Riggs/Murtaugh, Lee/Carter, Cassidy/Sundance way. Though much CGI is required to create 19th century London, little is used in place of old fashioned stunt work. Holme's investigative skills mirror Shawn Spencer's of Psych (Holmes stories were most likely an influence on the fake psychic detective) and the apparent use of magic and Holme's skepticism toward it would not feel out of place in an Indiana Jones movie. I always love Mark Strong and he makes a fantastic foe here, getting the chance to deliver great "evil doer" speeches (which I get weak in the knees for). Plus, this film beautifully sets up the sequel through the mysterious Moriarty, just as Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace have build up the Quantum organization. Cannot wait for Sherlock Holmes 2. Let us hope the rumors that one, Brad Pitt, will play Moriarty are true. Guy Ritchie really is a phenomenal director, as Snatch, Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, RocknRolla, and now Sherlock Holmes, are all among my favorite movies.



5. The Hurt Locker - Jesus Christ, my heart was racing this entire movie. The expression, "it keeps you on the edge of your seat" has never better described a movie than The Hurt Locker. Basically, the main character has the possibility of being blown to smithereens at nearly any moment, and you believe the filmmakers will do it, after they killed Guy Pearce in the amazing opening sequence. Though all the Iraq parts are all top notch, the movie is at it's most interesting when Renner's character returns home and we learn he really is addicted to the adrenaline of war. The film's last moments when we see that danger really is his element left a very interesting taste in my mouth indeed.




4. Star Trek - This is how you reboot a franchise, mother fucker! Both sequel and prequel, Star Trek brilliantly sets up a brand new universe for Kirk, Spock, and Bones to play in without any expectations of their fates (unlike earlier prequels where each character's fate was known). The fact that its plot mirrors Star Wars is a huge plus. I actually got a very similar feeling of wonder and joy watching Trek that I originally got 12 years ago when I first saw Star Wars. The script is great and the action scenes really are top notch (including the CGI). The space drill set piece, especially, is a masterful scene, squeezing every bit of tension possible from the scenario and setting, reminding me of the film that best makes use of tension, Jurassic Park. Seriously, first, we see Engineer Olsen miss the landing and get cooked by the laser of the drill! Then we watch as this almost happens to Kirk! Then, as Kirk fights a Romulon, the blasts of the Romulan's gun shoot holes in Sulu's parachute, making his landing dangerous! He has to slice his parachute to save himself, a decision he regrets when he later falls off the drill toward Vulcan! You get the idea, no opportunity for tension is missed. Through its great writing and casting, my love for new Trek has converted me into a "trekkie" of sorts, as now I appreciate (and even love) the old Trek movies and the original series. This and Holmes should make for some killer sequels in the coming years.



3. A Serious Man - I don't think a year goes by when a Coen Bros' movie is not on my top of the year list. A Serious Man is great, as it leaves you thinking and begs for a second viewing just like No Country For Old Men (again, No Country is my favorite film of the decade). The ending is just as inspired as No Country's. The ambigious final shot of the tornado barreling down on the children, destined, most likely, to kill them all, sends shivers down my spine. I love the way Larry and his son seem to receive immediate punishment from God himself at the ending, whether or not this is the message the Coen's intended. Full of both Coen comedy and Coen sorrow, A Serious Man stands among their best films.



2. Observe and Report - The top two films on my list earned their position by delivering something completly unexpected. Though it is great when a film fulfills or even surpasses my expectations like Sherlock Holmes, Star Trek, and A Serious Man, it is a different joy all together when they defy them, delivering in a way I never imagined. Observe and Report is the most original and dark comedy in years (if it can even be called a comedy). Completely free of the Seth Rogen mold that is beginning to grow stale, Observe and Report seems to spit in the face of what is expected in the Hollywood system. I really cannot believe Warner Bros made this movie. Rogen's character, Ronny, date rapes the girl he loves and shoots a flasher in the chest at point blank range (in the most shocking scene of the year). Jody Hill is a hell of a writer/director (see also, Foot Fist Way and Eastbound and Down which make up his "main character slowly goes insane trilogy).




1. Inglourious Basterds - As previously stated, this film was not at all what I expected, in the best way possible. I love WWII movies, but Basterds is a whole new type of WWII movie. Scenes of dialog that can last for 45 minutes... yet, the dialog is so brilliant, so realistic, so filled with tension... ugh.... Wordgasm... I'm not a Taritino fan, at all (though I really like Reservoir Dogs), but this movie really is a masterpiece. Pitt delivers, of course, but you cannot, I repeat, you cannot top Christoph Waltz as Hans Landa. He really is the best villain since Chigurh in No Country, and he stands in the top three of the decade alongside Chigurh and The Joker (though I would argue he does top the late Mr. Ledger). Out of all the Oscar hopefuls this year, I feel most strongly about Christoph Waltz... give this man the fucking Oscar! Now!


Well, that's it. That's my list. Not really sure what else to say about that...

Bee (buzz) seeing you.

A Letter to the Man Who Invented Roller Shoes

Dear Man Who Invented Roller Shoes,

Are you out of your fucking mind? Was it your plan to become the most evil man since Hitler or were you just not thinking? Though I find it hard to believe that such an atrocity against the human race can be an accident, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Which is far more than fucking valueless scum like yourself deserves.

The only explanation I can think of that explains your mental retardation is that your mother and father must have been brother and sister, or possibly father and daughter ("My sister, my daughter, my sister, my daughter!"). And this unholy matrimony must have been that in a long line of incest dating back to when two twin monkeys (one female and one male, like Luke and Leia) stuck it in one another (the male being the one to stick it in the female ["it" being his little, hard monkey cock.]).

Nothing else can explain why anyone would look at a pair of children's shoes and say to himself, "I could stick a wheel in that." You sir, would disgust me less if you stuck it ("it" being your penis again) into woodland creatures, because that train of thought is far more logical than whatever was going through your head when you combined shoe and wheel (I mean, who hasn't felt a tingling in their pants at the sight of a Beaver slapping his dam together with that majestic tail of his?).

This guy totally has a hard on. Who can blame him?

Now, the Roller Blade and the Roller Skate make perfect sense. Without the roller skate, how would we preform the funky chicken without looking like assholes? And without the roller blade, how would we be able to tell the homosexuals from the general population? With these two roller devices filling every roller hole, why the fuck would you create the roller shoe?

With the roller blades cropped from this picture
you cannot tell which of these two men is gay.

The roller shoe has only served one purpose: it makes children more annoying than they already are. Before the roller shoe, children were the second most annoying thing in the world. Now, children have passed Fox News correspondents as the greatest annoyance facing mankind today. I would literally rather suck Glenn Beck's cock than witness one more child run down a stretch of hall, leaning back, letting his wheels take him in a maddening yet graceful spiral until he skids to a soul-crushing halt. Seriously, a child with roller shoes is like a Transformer combined with Spongebob Squarepants, if this crime-against-nature-Trans-Sponge-Bob was high on cocaine.

Seriously, Man Who Invented Roller Shoes, if I kill a child it is for one of two reasons. Either I was picking a song on my iPod while driving down a suburban neighborhood, or, more likely, I murdered a little bastard who broke into a roll while I was waiting in line at the movie theater. If this happens, the blood is on your hands. The former is my own fault, as I have filled my iPod with so much stolen garbage (meaning shitty music, not the band who sang "The World Is Not Enough") that the "Shuffle Songs" action is almost as unthinkable as the roller shoe.

How can you sleep at night? Knowing all the childcides and suicides your roller shoe is responsible for. I was not exaggerating when I referred to you as the most evil man since Hitler, earlier in this letter. In fact, I take that back. You, sir, are worse than Hitler. Worse than Hitler!

I would suggest you kill yourself, but that is not enough. Take that "genius" mind of yours and spend the rest of your life toiling to invent a time machine. Take that time machine back to your childhood, find your childhood self, attach a pair of roller shoes to your little child feet, attach rockets to your little child arms, and launch your little child self off a cliff with the aid of the roller shoes and rocket arms. Then, go back in time again and do the same to your little, tiny infant self for good measure.

If you do not do it, I will. And you don't want that, because I am dangerously close to cracking the time machine as it is.My time machine is close to completion.

Anyway, I hope this letter finds you well. And yes, I am still interested in purchasing your story to develop into a screenplay as earlier discussed.

Be Seeing You,
Nick Doll

P.S. I would love a pair of roller shoes since I bet you get them for free and what-not. Think about it.