The Sexiest Death: You're Allergic to Sperm!

First off, let me warn by saying that I am not interested in fact. Sure, I could have researched this topic further (I do have those 13 aliens from Crystal Skull's gift to man [knowledge that will cause me to spontaneously combust if consumed all at once] via the internet), giving you important information that could very well save your life. But, like I said, I'm not interested in fact.

I am instead interested in speculation, that branches off from fact. So, sure, you could research this topic further and put rest to my idle speculation... but where is the fun in that?

Fact: Woman can be allergic to sperm!

I know, right? That's what I said. I said, "What-in-the-what-what?" just like you. No shit!

Fact: Women can be allergic to sperm. So when they have sex with a dude for the first time, they may feel a burning sensation, a real painful burning, and they may have swelling and shit, just like a person who was allergic to peanuts would after consuming peanuts or sperm (if he/she was also allergic to sperm).

Fact: In rare cases, this can lead to death, just like a peanut allergy can. But, in most cases, it just means the woman who is allergic to sperm can't have babies. Sucks, I know, right? I mean, if I can't shoot a baby out of my body, just kill me with sperm right now!

This smiley little guy just may KILL you.

Fact: Doctors can isolate this allergy (I'm sure the lingo is not correct here) using the husband's sperm (if the couple is married... not because he can't do it if they're not married, but because he's not the husband in that case. Aren't you a stupid fucker, you penis, you [now who's offensive, Andrew?]?). This doesn't always work though and if it doesn't work the couple can't have babies that they can force to follow the dreams they were too cowardly to chase themselves.

Isn't that frightening, ladies? When you have sex for the first time without a condom, you might fucking die! That ought to put the wrath of God up inside you (but not without a condom!). The sperm might get all up in them guts, cause you searing pain as you scream and scream until you just die (in rare cases... but can you really take that chance?). I mean, they ought to teach that in schools to get kids to stay abstinent or use condoms or whatever.
"No listen children, if you have sex without a condom and you're allergic to sperm, it might be the last stupid thing you ever do. Because those little sperm will get upside you and boil your blood until your eyes pop out of your skull and you shit your intestines out your butt (I said there was some speculation involved)."

I mean, seriously ladies. Eating a peanut for the first time is one thing. I mean, a Resses peanut butter cup is the most pleasurable thing I can think of (I assume being allergic to peanuts makes you allergic to peanut butter, but I honestly have no way of knowing for sure... someone bring me someone [yourself if you qualify] with a severe peanut allergy so I can shove some peanut butter down their throat, STAT!). But having sex without a condom may not be worth it. Not unless you want a million sperm bullets cutting your baby maker to shreds from the inside.

I would die for you...

Now, this does give rise to speculation (as promised).

Can dudes be allergic to sperm? Can you be allergic to something your body produces? Does some poor gay guy get blasted in the ass (a painful enough experience as is, I'm sure) only to have his ass burn with the searing pain of a thousand deaths?

Also, does sperm just burn... in there? The allergy would take effect where ever the sperm ended up, right? I mean, people who are allergic to peanuts don't need to put peanuts into their vagina (am I aloud to say that word? I am a dude...I avoided saying it thus far because it sounds so much dirtier than penis...) to find out they are allergic to peanuts. So it makes sense that an allergy to sperm would be troublesome no matter the orifice (it should really be spelled oriface, considering how many orifices the face has...).

...So that I can turn it into a weapon!

Anyway, I really don't have a point...

Except to warn you and possibly (no... definitely) save your life!

You're welcome! Though I am not able to give you all the answers because I refuse to research further (because I don't want to spontaneously combust like Irnina Spalko [well, really I'm just too fucking lazy]) it would be best for you to never have sex without a condum if you are a straight female or a gay male. Lesbians are free to lez out.

In fact, condoms can break... so just never have sex. You may either die (if your a female) or murder someone (if you're a male)! Imagine the guilt if you murdered someone with your penis (it may sound like something to brag about ["Yo, bros! I killed someone with my dick!" - "No way, bro!" - "Yes way, bro" - "Bro!" - "Bro!"] but trust me, the guilt would eat away at you like I east away at this here Reeses Cup).

Mmmmm.... Pleasure....

Yes, that's it. I wrote this blog so that virgins reading this blog will never have sex.

Because misery loves company...

I mean...

Er...

I have literally had thousands of girlfriends. And oodles upon oodles of intercourse of the sexual variety...

....

Be seeing you.

The more you know!

Knowledge is Power!

(And yet I would have spelled it knowlege without spell check...)

(....)