The Catholic Church's Greatest Atrocity Against Mankind

 First off, let me say this. Only someone raised Catholic is allowed to bash the Catholic Church, The Vatican, Catholics, or the Nazi Pope. Saying anything negative about the Church, no matter how true, is anti-Semitic (well, the Catholic version) unless you are a Catholic or you were raised Catholic (But not if you were raised by Catholics. This ain't no Jungle Book type situation). If I can't say the Jews are greedy and hoard their gold or that Blacks, excuse me, African Americans are all thieves, then you can't say what you want to about Catholic Priests. Doesn't matter which statements are true and which are false.

Since I am Catholic, I will say what we are all thinking relating to horrid stories we have seen in the media as of late...

 What the fuck are Catholics (and Christians) thinking when they close the mall today!?!

It's a Sunday. Some people just want to go to the mall!

"I don't believe in Jesus," you may be thinking, "I should still be allowed to overpay for damaged jeans. I should still be allowed to make myself sick by eating Panda Express in the food court."

You'd be right, if you said that. And let's face it, you did.

The Catholic Church has been responsible for some pretty horrible things over the centuries, but closing the Westside Pavilion Mall in Los Angeles may just be the most vile, wretched, heinous act imaginable. No, no "mays" here. It IS the most vile, wretched, heinous act imagainable.

What about all those Jews who want overpriced clothes and a sickening heap of Panda boredom? What about those Catholics who would prefer to spend the anniversary of the day Zombie Jesus rose from the grave only to be redeadened, in the mall away from their extended families? What about that poor employee on the third floor of the Westside Pavilion Barnes and Noble who gets asked by every customer who just saw that the mall is closed, if the mall is closed?

I've let a lot of stuff fly in the past, Catholic Church. Going to Church every week was one thing. Not allowing Gays to marry was kinda a dick move. Molesting kids probably wasn't the best decision ever. But closing the fucking mall on a Sunday?!?

Someone needs to take action against the Catholic Church and that Nazi Pope. CLOSING THE MALL WILL NOT STAND!

Whew... I just went a whole blog, that was written during an Earthquake, without mentioning Earthquakes once. Or twice for that matter. Nice.



Oh.... fuck...

Fuck You, NPR! How could you say such a terrible thing?

I'm either the most unlucky or the most naive person in the history of radio.

Every few months I get a hankerin' for some good old fashioned NPR (that's National Public Radio for you folks who are under fifty years of age). Unfortunately for me, every time I turn on NPR it's membership drive time.

Membership drive time is that special time when NPR asks... neigh... begs for money. It's where they try a combination of guilting you to give ("If you ran a public radio station and needed money for it's upkeep we'd give it to you!" and "You know you listen to it every goddamn day, so give us some goddamn money and stop being a goddamn freeloader!" [they would never say fuck on wholesome National Public Radio, not even in such a godless place as Los Angeles.]) and bribing you to give by offering you completely useless shit like and Earthquake detector (10 bucks says I know how I'm gonna die after that comment...), an extra battery for your cellphone, an NPR book lamp, or an iPad (ooOOoo, timely and biting).

So, am I unlucky for just happening to tune in during the NPR membership drive every time? Or naive for believing the drive isn't actually run 365 days a year (If that number is incorrect, I apologize. But as I've stated before, actual facts are overrated and not worth the time it takes to google them for accuracy.)? Or an arrogant prick for pointing out that I am cultured enough to tune into NPR, albeit it is only two weeks a year? I plea  the third (of the three preceding choices).

At least I take comfort in knowing that I don't owe them money for all the "free" educational programing I am receiving. Because, by listening to membership drive week only, I am never receiving any free educational programming. All I am hearing is pleas for money. It's like going to a Catholic mass (Oh, snap! Religious humor stemming from my upbringing. And it's Catholic related! Move over Kevin Smith, Stephen Colbert, and Jim Gaffigan!).  

Today though, NPR ensured, that even if I do manage the improbable feat (feet? Is feat a word? Is it the right word? Are you fucking with me, spell check?) of listening to an actual NPR program that isn't related to asking for money, I will NEVER, EVER, under ANY circumstance give money to them. EVER! (Unless I am trying to trick a female [human...hopefully] into thinking I am a caring individual who deserves to get laid, if just once in my miserable life.)

Today, NPR pissed me off. Very badly in fact. To a point where I yelled "Aww, heeeeell Naaaaaaw!," or something similar, at my radio and verbally told myself (yes, I talk to myself [quite often in fact]) I would never, ever, under any circumstance give money to NPR.

It wasn't anything political. It wasn't an attack on me in any way. And yet it was the most offending thing they could ever say.

It was simply this...

"You know, you can't spell fundraiser with fun--"

FUCK

YOU

NPR

What a horribly unclever clever thing to say. It's an insult. An insult to anyone with a brain.

I also can't spell fundraiser without FUND, which is what I am attempting to RAISE by holding a FUNDRAISER!

Jesus Christ! Some people!