The Amazing, The Fantabulous, The Astounding... Weight Loss Car!

I have it, ladies and gentlemen... the first truly great invention of the 21st Century (right after a black president)!

I call it, simply, The Amazing, The Fantabulous, The Astounding Weight Loss Cartm .

You see, weight loss has been on my mind recently and I believe I have traced the cause of obesity to its original source, it's very first occurrence in the history of mankind. By coming to this understanding of the beast I shall hence forth refer to as 'fatty disorder' I have invented a device that will eliminate said disorder until the Earth's oil reserves are depleted.

It is a well known fact that the first fat person did not appear until the late 19th century when the automobile (or 'car' as it is called by the uneducated) became a prevalent form of transportation. Evidence of this can bee (buzz) seen in the following photographs, all pre-automobile, all containing no fatties.

Exhibit A: There Were No Fat Cavemen.


Exhibit B: No Fat Pilgrims Either.



Exhibit C: No Fat Founding Fathers!Exhibit D: Cars = Fatty Disorder

So let's look at the facts so far. There was not a single fat person on Earth until man began using the automobile: FACT. After the automobile, there were suddenly gelatinous beings known as fatties: FACT. Therefore, the automobile IS responsible (i.e. the cause) of Fatty Disorder: FACT.

Of course, it should be obvious why cars cause fatty disorder. If a person is no longer walking to McDonald's or whipping a horse to get to McDonald's like in pre-late-19th century times, said person is no longer exercising. Contrary to the beliefs of NASCAR fans, driving is not a sport as there is no exercise involved.

So if cars are the problem, can they not also be the solution?

The answer to this question is as old as guns themselves. Every member of NRA knows that guns CAUSE violence and murder, but these same members are also are the only level headed people to realize that guns are also the only way to PREVENT violence and murder. If Liberals would just butt out, the late Charleston Heston and his band of merry gentlemen would have already cured the world of violence and murder using their 'little friends' (referred to by the uneducated to as 'guns' or 'firearms').

But I digress. I am not here to stop violence and murder with my Colt Detective Special. I am here to stop Fatty Disorder with my new and improved automobile.

My invention works as such. It looks like a regular automobile (which I will hence forth refer to as car because of Dummy Disorder, an entirely different issue). Basically, to use this device, one must open the door and sit in what I call 'the driver's seat' just like an ordinary vehicle. One then takes the 'seat belt' and pulls it across them, buckling it into the 'seat belt receiving receptacle' until they hear a click and it locks in place.

This is where my invention begins to differ from the ordinary, fatty creating car. Once a person is buckled in, the car will measure their 'fatty factor.' The seat will measure their weight and the seat belt will measure the roundness of their tummy, giving the person a fatty index.

If a person receives a fatty index of Brad Pitt or Christian Bale from THE MACHINIST, the car will start. If instead, a person's fatty index is closer to a Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, or, dare I say it, Danny Devito (with or without added padding from when he was The Penguin), the car will not start and will say to the intended driver "Get out of the fucking car! You're walking today, bitch ass fatty."

If you are the weight of Christian Bale you're OK to drive!

A Danny Devito level Fatty will have to get out and walk.

I don't have to explain to you why this device is genius. But I will anyway. Basically, if fatties are forced to walk everywhere, they won't be fat for long. Either they will walk 5 miles to get to McDonald's, or they will just skip it, either way they are getting thinner!

Now I'm sure you're saying, "Nick, you fucking idiot. People (yes, we fatties are still people) can't walk everywhere. Nothing would ever get done. How is a person supposed to take a road trip to Kansas to see all that beautiful flat farmland? They can't possibly walk that far!" And to that I reply, "You are smarter than you look and damn it if you aren't correct. And every one needs to see the flat, majestic nothingness of Kansas before they die" Still sucks to be you though, as I have considered every possible weakness and situation concerning my flawless invention and I do, in fact, have an answer for everything.

When you get in the car, you will enter your destination into a GPS-type device. The device will look up the destination and calculate how far away it is from where you are. If it is less that 20 miles away, the car will say "Don' t be such a lazy fucker. Take a walk." I think that 20 miles is a reasonable distance for someone to walk if they really want to get a hamburger, go grocery shopping, or keep their job.

Now, I know there are people who will want to cheat the system, so I have provided a safety net for that as well. If a fatty enters a destination that is farther than 20 miles just to get the car to start and then tries to drive to the McDonald's down the street or their office that is only 19.9 miles away, well, then the brakes won't work. No brakes until you've gone the full 20 miles, that way you don't cheat and stop somewhere closer.

It's brilliant, really, and I'm not afraid to admit that. I have created a flawless invention that is guaranteed 110% to annihilate fatty disorder.

Before you go and give me all the awards let me give you this disclaimer, though this device will keep most fatties off the road, it will have about a 0% impact on LA's Traffic Problem. Everyone knows that everyone in LA has a perfect body, so the amount of people on the road will be exactly the same. So please, no awards for solving the traffic crisis, just awards for curing fatty disorder.

--- Nick is also the inventor of the French Fry Straw, the Phone-Keys-that-you-will-never-lose-cause-you-can-just-call-them, and co-Inventor of the waffle hamburger and the candy beanbag.