Okay, let me start off with a disclaimer. Now, I don't have in front of me a big ole' book o' facts that proves that Disneyland is poisoning park goers. I don't have any real 'evidence' that links the deaths of people who have been to Disneyland to the poison that I'm claiming Disneyland pumps into the air. I have though, drawn my own facts and evidence from the more general facts that I do have, just as Walt Disney would have drawn Mickey Mouse from the pen and paper that he was provided.So let's get into this giant conspiracy, shall we?
First, the facts I do have...
FACT: Disneyland appeals to ALL the senses.
Sight. Disneyland manages to visually appeal to people of all sorts. The kids think it looks like a playground, Stoners can't believe all the pretty colors and talking animals (its the only place where a talking mole would not result in murder/suicide), and for pedophiles who are sexually attracted to children there really is no happier place on Earth.
Unrelated FACT: NAMBLA hosts all of its retreats at Disneyland.
Sound. Find me one person on planet Earth who doesn't like hearing 'It's A Small World' played on repeat. Likewise, the only thing people love more than 'Small World' is that Journey cover band they always have playing in Tomorrowland. My own personal favorite is that ole' diddy "It's a Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow" featured prominently on the Carousel of Progress.
Taste. If you have money to shell out, you can get sweets like no other. From cookies to McDonald's french fries, there's really no assortment of food quite like that at Disneyland. Even the water tastes like candy!
Touch. You'll never get a splinter from Dinseyland's fake wood! It's smooth to the touch, not unlike the wood provided by NAMBLA (also found at Disneyland!).
SMELL. See how I put that in all caps? It's because this is where it finally gets important.
FACT: The ENTIRE park of Disneyland smells oddly sweet. It seems impossible, but it is true. No matter where you turn, Adventureland, Frontierland, Tomorrowland, yadda yadda yadda, it all smells exactly the same. The whole park smells like one of those Nutty Bavarian nut stands; like sugar roasted almonds.
Now I ask you, how is this possible?
Logic would suggest that the smell is a result of there being a nut stand on every corner. And this would make sense, as everyone knows that little boys love nothing more than a handful of sweet nuts (which brings me to NAMBLA yet again). But this is not the case, I have been to Disneyland and I have only seen 1, maybe 2, nut stands (but don't worry, NAMBLA is making sure there are enough nuts for all the good little boys).
Is it possible that this smell is the result of a single nut stand? There's a nut stand in the Pepsi Center, but the entire arena does not smell like sweet, sweet, sugary nuts.
No, the only answer is that the smell is artificial. Disneyland must be pumping the smell into the park via some sort of ventilation system on the ground. In all seriousness (perhaps the only time I will really be frank in this blog) I honestly believe that this is the case. Image is very important to Disneyland, and who wants to go to a place that smells like a bunch of machinery and sewage (a lot of the OC smells like sewage from time to time, a phenomenon I refer to as 'Shit Pockets')? If anyone would pump an artificial smell into their park to make it more appealing, it would be Disney. I've even heard rumors that this is true, the smell at D-Land is artificial and pumped into the park. I honestly cannot think of another theory that makes sense. Though I can't prove it, I believe this theory like some people believe in aliens, or God, or Global Warming, with every ounce of me.
FACT: Disneyland is pumping an artificial, sweet smell into it's park.
Now, common sense tells us that playing with gases is dangerous and can be hazardous to the health of humans. How many times have we proven something we chemically altered to be safe, only to find out years later that it has negative effects? Like it causes cancer or kills you or something?
The answer is every time.
Imagine please for a moment, you are the preserved head of Mr. Walt Disney himself.
A minion comes to you and says, "Sir, chemical 11356 has been proven to be toxic."
Taste. If you have money to shell out, you can get sweets like no other. From cookies to McDonald's french fries, there's really no assortment of food quite like that at Disneyland. Even the water tastes like candy!
Touch. You'll never get a splinter from Dinseyland's fake wood! It's smooth to the touch, not unlike the wood provided by NAMBLA (also found at Disneyland!).
SMELL. See how I put that in all caps? It's because this is where it finally gets important.
FACT: The ENTIRE park of Disneyland smells oddly sweet. It seems impossible, but it is true. No matter where you turn, Adventureland, Frontierland, Tomorrowland, yadda yadda yadda, it all smells exactly the same. The whole park smells like one of those Nutty Bavarian nut stands; like sugar roasted almonds.
Now I ask you, how is this possible?
Logic would suggest that the smell is a result of there being a nut stand on every corner. And this would make sense, as everyone knows that little boys love nothing more than a handful of sweet nuts (which brings me to NAMBLA yet again). But this is not the case, I have been to Disneyland and I have only seen 1, maybe 2, nut stands (but don't worry, NAMBLA is making sure there are enough nuts for all the good little boys).
Is it possible that this smell is the result of a single nut stand? There's a nut stand in the Pepsi Center, but the entire arena does not smell like sweet, sweet, sugary nuts.
No, the only answer is that the smell is artificial. Disneyland must be pumping the smell into the park via some sort of ventilation system on the ground. In all seriousness (perhaps the only time I will really be frank in this blog) I honestly believe that this is the case. Image is very important to Disneyland, and who wants to go to a place that smells like a bunch of machinery and sewage (a lot of the OC smells like sewage from time to time, a phenomenon I refer to as 'Shit Pockets')? If anyone would pump an artificial smell into their park to make it more appealing, it would be Disney. I've even heard rumors that this is true, the smell at D-Land is artificial and pumped into the park. I honestly cannot think of another theory that makes sense. Though I can't prove it, I believe this theory like some people believe in aliens, or God, or Global Warming, with every ounce of me.
Back to my original tone.
What's crazier? Believing my theory or believing in this guy?
What's crazier? Believing my theory or believing in this guy?FACT: Disneyland is pumping an artificial, sweet smell into it's park.
Now, common sense tells us that playing with gases is dangerous and can be hazardous to the health of humans. How many times have we proven something we chemically altered to be safe, only to find out years later that it has negative effects? Like it causes cancer or kills you or something?
The answer is every time.
Imagine please for a moment, you are the preserved head of Mr. Walt Disney himself.
A minion comes to you and says, "Sir, chemical 11356 has been proven to be toxic."
YOU (Walt Disney's head)
What?
MINION
Item 11356. The gas we developed to
make the park smell like sweet nuts.
YOU
I know what it is, you fool. I am all
powerful and all knowing!
MINION
Well, it's causing death in some of our
older park goers.
YOU
I see.
MINION
It seems that the gas stays in a person's
system years after they leave the park,
causing them to die around the age of 40.
YOU
Very well. Thank you for bringing this to my
attention, though I already knew it because
I am all powerful and all knowing.
MINION
How do you want us to proceed? Shall we
cease use of item 11356?
YOU
Excuse me, Did I fucking say that?
MINION
Well, no, sir...
YOU
Then why would you fucking do that?
MINION
But, sir....
YOU
Look, it's simple economics. Our main
clientele is children. Item 11356 is not
killing children, is it?
MINION
Well, sir, not until they grow up, sir.
YOU
Exactly. It doesn't kill anyone until they
grow up and have children of their own.
So our company is not affected.
MINION
Very well, your darkness-ness.
What?
MINION
Item 11356. The gas we developed to
make the park smell like sweet nuts.
YOU
I know what it is, you fool. I am all
powerful and all knowing!
MINION
Well, it's causing death in some of our
older park goers.
YOU
I see.
MINION
It seems that the gas stays in a person's
system years after they leave the park,
causing them to die around the age of 40.
YOU
Very well. Thank you for bringing this to my
attention, though I already knew it because
I am all powerful and all knowing.
MINION
How do you want us to proceed? Shall we
cease use of item 11356?
YOU
Excuse me, Did I fucking say that?
MINION
Well, no, sir...
YOU
Then why would you fucking do that?
MINION
But, sir....
YOU
Look, it's simple economics. Our main
clientele is children. Item 11356 is not
killing children, is it?
MINION
Well, sir, not until they grow up, sir.
YOU
Exactly. It doesn't kill anyone until they
grow up and have children of their own.
So our company is not affected.
MINION
Very well, your darkness-ness.
YOU
If anything this helps us. Who spends
more at Disneyland? A kid whose uptight
father won't even let him get a $10 churro,
or an orphan whose parent's left him all their
money?
If anything this helps us. Who spends
more at Disneyland? A kid whose uptight
father won't even let him get a $10 churro,
or an orphan whose parent's left him all their
money?
End scene.
Thank you for playing Mr. Walt Disney's head so convincingly. I especially loved the sinister laugh you added at the end.
Here's what it all boils down to...
FACT: There is a sweet smell that encompasses all of Disneyland.
CLOSE TO FACT: This smell is artificially produced and pumped into the park.
NOT QUITE A FACT: Since the smell is artificially produced it could possibly have negative side effects down the line, such as poisoning people to death.
FACT: Even if Disney discovered that they were accidentally poisoning park goers, as long as business was not disrupted and no one else found out, they would keep doing it cause presentation is everything (and smell is presentation). And as you so aptly pointed out when you were Walt Disney's head, if the gas only kills park goers once they are adults who have their own kids, business is not disrupted. In fact, you also proved that a loaded orphan would spend more at Disneyland than a kid whose parents just lost a bunch of cash due to our crummy economy.
So, I can't necessarily prove Disneyland is poisoning you, but, think about it, what's to say their not? I've set up a scenario here where they would logically not mind doing it and I'd wager there are other money grubbing scenarios where they wouldn't bat an eyelid if a few hundred thousand park goers died at the ripe old age of 45 because of their decisions.
Please don't sue me.
And might I add, 'What the fuck is this?'
Thank you for playing Mr. Walt Disney's head so convincingly. I especially loved the sinister laugh you added at the end.
Here's what it all boils down to...
FACT: There is a sweet smell that encompasses all of Disneyland.
CLOSE TO FACT: This smell is artificially produced and pumped into the park.
NOT QUITE A FACT: Since the smell is artificially produced it could possibly have negative side effects down the line, such as poisoning people to death.
FACT: Even if Disney discovered that they were accidentally poisoning park goers, as long as business was not disrupted and no one else found out, they would keep doing it cause presentation is everything (and smell is presentation). And as you so aptly pointed out when you were Walt Disney's head, if the gas only kills park goers once they are adults who have their own kids, business is not disrupted. In fact, you also proved that a loaded orphan would spend more at Disneyland than a kid whose parents just lost a bunch of cash due to our crummy economy.
So, I can't necessarily prove Disneyland is poisoning you, but, think about it, what's to say their not? I've set up a scenario here where they would logically not mind doing it and I'd wager there are other money grubbing scenarios where they wouldn't bat an eyelid if a few hundred thousand park goers died at the ripe old age of 45 because of their decisions.
Please don't sue me.
And might I add, 'What the fuck is this?'
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