Fuck, That Looks Appetizing!

Today I was driving home from Barnes and Noble when I saw a very interesting bus ad.

The response was instant.  I wanted to vomit. But, I didn't vomit. With as much control over my bodily functions as I could muster, I keep myself from vomiting on my dashboard... shitting my pants instead in an act of utter disgust: a real "Fuck You" to Ronald McDonald.

Really, the Big Mac Snack Wrap is the most revolutionary fast food item since the KFC Famous bowl.

You remember the KFC Famous bowl, don't you? That appetizing mess of every KFC item. Cheese upon Popcorn Chicken upon mash potatoes with just the right about of gravy drizzled over the top. And yes, there's corn in there (Corn?! I didn't have any Corn! [As Austin Powers quote sure, but I also say this everyday after having Chipoltle.].)!

Really ladies, if your man starts eating KFC Famous Bowls than you need to leave him, because is about to move to a trailer and start beating your ass. Right after NASCAR, that is.

God, that looks delicious. Like vomit... that you just paid for (I can't think of anything worse).

Okay, so this Mac Snack Wrap isn't nearly as brilliant as the KFC Famous Bowl (KFC had to invent grilled chicken just to make up for that garbage! [Kentucky FRIED Chicken. Had to invent GRILLED Chicken! That is how fucked up it was]), but it's pretty damn close.

You see, they've taken what appears to be all the Big Mac ingredients, removed the bun, decreased the portions (that's what makes it a snack, mind you.) and dropped that steamy shit into a tortilla (which makes it both ethnic and a snack). Because that's what a snack is; the same shit you fill your body with at mealtime, in smaller portions, wrapped in a tortilla. 

I really don't have to even write this blog. The pictures say it all (I did not take them, I found them on the web. Look, if I had actually bought one of these things, my roommate would have found my lifeless body hanging in the kitchen when she came home). "What a disgusting menu item, even by McDonalds' standards. If they sell any, it will be thanks to high college students and college students who can't afford drugs, so they instead dare each other to eat disgusting shit (This blog entry really has exhausted all the ways I can think of to say "disgusting shit." But, alas, I am too lazy to go to thesaurus.com)," they would say (the pictures, I mean, if I lost you there), "The monster who pitched this 'snack' should be force fed Mac Snack Wraps until his stomach explodes and he dies (thank you, SE7EN)."

 

It's a cruel way to go, sure, but it's an orgasm compared to how the inventor of the KFC Famous Bowl left this world (hint, it was exactly the same as the punishment described above, only involved the KFC Famous Bowl instead of the Mac Snack Wrap).

But he was a redneck, anyway. So it was totally legal...

I am a great potential husband.

That's right. I have created my first trilogy (well, my second trilogy, if you count "The Quest For Quest." [Hopefully you have no idea what I am talking about]).

I am speaking, of course, of my "I am" blog trilogy. It started two nights ago with the now classic first chapter, "I am a parasite." The epic story of Nick Doll was continued last night with the engrossing middle part, "I am not a dick," which, like all second chapters (The Empire Strikes Back, Temple of Doom), was a dark departure from the first in it's usage of the word "not." Tonight, after an over 24 hour wait, comes the third, thrilling and final blog in the "I am" Trilogy, that you didn't even know was comming, "I am a great potential husband."

I am a great potential husband.

If you can put up with my being a parasite and not a dick, you will find this to be true.

But don't take my word for it... take my evidence for it.

I may not be funny, or entertaining in the least, but I can put up with the same thing, over and over. The "same thing" being you, my potential bride (unless you are a family member, or a dude, cause that's disgusting... Or a fat chick. No fat chicks. Handicaps [or handicapables as I call them] may actually be okay. Just don't be a fat handicapable chick).

I mean, come on ladies, isn't that what's most important when looking for your great potential husband? Someone who can put up with you for the rest of your life (as soon as you die [and I will outlive you if it's the last thing I do] I am using my wealth and fame generated by this blog to hook up with an 18 year-old.)?

And yes, I have that evidence I promised. I saw Sherlock Holmes 3 times, in less than one week. I have seen Raiders of the Lost Ark and Fight Club almost innumerable times. I have watched every episode of Arrested Development (that's 53 episodes!) over 50 times. If I really love something, I will watch it again and again. So, if I really love you, I will put up with you for the rest of your life (until I am free to hook up with that 18 year-old after what the media will refer to as your "suspicious passing").

But, and there is a butt in our relationship (yours, I have no measurable ass), I can only put up with certain kinds of people for eternity (by which I mean 23 years, which is when you meet your untimely end by nearly untraceable poison). Sure, I can watch Sherlock Holmes forever and not get bored. But, for every Sherlock Holmes, there are over a hundred movies I could not sit through more than once.

If you are sexy, engaging, clever, exciting, and action packed (okay, that last one may not explain a lady as well as it does a movie) like Sherlock Holmes, we're in business for 23 years (less if you get fugly too fast). If you are a long, stupid, bore with blue skin like Avatar, then, I'm sorry honey, our relationship just won't last (I know it's not always easy to tell if a person is stupid and a bore before marriage if the sex is great enough, but hopefully the blue skin will be a dead giveaway [and yes, I will stop insulting Avatar as soon as all the "Avatar fans" come clean and stop lying to themselves and others]).

So, what do you say? Will you marry me?

...

...

What else do you want? I just proved that if you are the female equivalent of Sherlock Holmes (the movie, not the fictional character) I will stay with you until I poison you! That's a guarantee of no divorce (because if you try to divorce me, I'll just poison you ahead of schedule [I already have the poison!]!)! Exclamation point.

What more do you want in a husband?

Hmmm, okay... let's see what else I got...

I bathe daily... twice daily if I go to the gym after my morning shower... I'm not a dick... I have a dick... and if you say no, I'll poison you (one way or another you are getting poisoned.)!

That's about it. But hopefully that is enough (the threat of poisoning is enough alone, I would think). Because it's all I have to offer.

So, you know, think about it. Maybe sleep on it (but not too long, because it may be the last sleep you ever take on it).

Because I am a great potential husband.

And so ends another trilogy. Where each chapter was more disappointing than the last (Pirates, Matrix, Austin Powers, Lord of the Rings, I'm looking at yous guys).

I love you!