I am a great potential husband.

That's right. I have created my first trilogy (well, my second trilogy, if you count "The Quest For Quest." [Hopefully you have no idea what I am talking about]).

I am speaking, of course, of my "I am" blog trilogy. It started two nights ago with the now classic first chapter, "I am a parasite." The epic story of Nick Doll was continued last night with the engrossing middle part, "I am not a dick," which, like all second chapters (The Empire Strikes Back, Temple of Doom), was a dark departure from the first in it's usage of the word "not." Tonight, after an over 24 hour wait, comes the third, thrilling and final blog in the "I am" Trilogy, that you didn't even know was comming, "I am a great potential husband."

I am a great potential husband.

If you can put up with my being a parasite and not a dick, you will find this to be true.

But don't take my word for it... take my evidence for it.

I may not be funny, or entertaining in the least, but I can put up with the same thing, over and over. The "same thing" being you, my potential bride (unless you are a family member, or a dude, cause that's disgusting... Or a fat chick. No fat chicks. Handicaps [or handicapables as I call them] may actually be okay. Just don't be a fat handicapable chick).

I mean, come on ladies, isn't that what's most important when looking for your great potential husband? Someone who can put up with you for the rest of your life (as soon as you die [and I will outlive you if it's the last thing I do] I am using my wealth and fame generated by this blog to hook up with an 18 year-old.)?

And yes, I have that evidence I promised. I saw Sherlock Holmes 3 times, in less than one week. I have seen Raiders of the Lost Ark and Fight Club almost innumerable times. I have watched every episode of Arrested Development (that's 53 episodes!) over 50 times. If I really love something, I will watch it again and again. So, if I really love you, I will put up with you for the rest of your life (until I am free to hook up with that 18 year-old after what the media will refer to as your "suspicious passing").

But, and there is a butt in our relationship (yours, I have no measurable ass), I can only put up with certain kinds of people for eternity (by which I mean 23 years, which is when you meet your untimely end by nearly untraceable poison). Sure, I can watch Sherlock Holmes forever and not get bored. But, for every Sherlock Holmes, there are over a hundred movies I could not sit through more than once.

If you are sexy, engaging, clever, exciting, and action packed (okay, that last one may not explain a lady as well as it does a movie) like Sherlock Holmes, we're in business for 23 years (less if you get fugly too fast). If you are a long, stupid, bore with blue skin like Avatar, then, I'm sorry honey, our relationship just won't last (I know it's not always easy to tell if a person is stupid and a bore before marriage if the sex is great enough, but hopefully the blue skin will be a dead giveaway [and yes, I will stop insulting Avatar as soon as all the "Avatar fans" come clean and stop lying to themselves and others]).

So, what do you say? Will you marry me?

...

...

What else do you want? I just proved that if you are the female equivalent of Sherlock Holmes (the movie, not the fictional character) I will stay with you until I poison you! That's a guarantee of no divorce (because if you try to divorce me, I'll just poison you ahead of schedule [I already have the poison!]!)! Exclamation point.

What more do you want in a husband?

Hmmm, okay... let's see what else I got...

I bathe daily... twice daily if I go to the gym after my morning shower... I'm not a dick... I have a dick... and if you say no, I'll poison you (one way or another you are getting poisoned.)!

That's about it. But hopefully that is enough (the threat of poisoning is enough alone, I would think). Because it's all I have to offer.

So, you know, think about it. Maybe sleep on it (but not too long, because it may be the last sleep you ever take on it).

Because I am a great potential husband.

And so ends another trilogy. Where each chapter was more disappointing than the last (Pirates, Matrix, Austin Powers, Lord of the Rings, I'm looking at yous guys).

I love you!

I am not a dick.

I may be a parasite, but I am not a dick.

But I do play one on the internet.

One of my dear friends, also a dear reader, accused me of being a horrible person. Maybe it was my comments about homeless people being "putrid human beings" and "subhuman creatures" or maybe it was when I stated "fucking homeless" and then "fucking homeless!" Maybe it was when I proved I was not racist by saying I hate all people equally. Maybe it was when I told the man who invented roller shoes to take his time machine and use it to kill his infant self (Hell yes, this blog posting has become a clip show). Or perhaps it was when I called people who use headsets "faggity douches."

Look, I'm not really an asshole. I don't hate as much as I appear to hate on this blog. It's more a character, like Stephen Colbert on his show vs. the real Stephen Colbert. The Nick Doll who blogs is an exaggerated version of the real Nick Doll (I've always wanted to refer to myself in third person on the net... besides on a Facebook Status or Twitter Update).

I am an unfunny, much less clever version of this man.

I may actually have nothing but animosity toward people who feel entitled enough to ask for a store to open for them after it has closed or who jay walk at a slow, greedy pace so oncoming traffic must slow down as not to shatter their windshield and get blood and guts all over their car. But I would never act hostile towards such a person were I to encounter them face to face, either on the street or in the retail setting. Because I may hate them secretly, but I don't want to be a dick.

I may ignore homeless people on the street when they ask for change, but I don't actually consider them subhuman or putrid creatures. I just don't want to give them money, and ignoring them is easier than saying no (and, come on, everyone does it! [Like cigarettes.]).

So, I am not a dick.

But I will continue to act like a dick on the internet.

I am a parasite.

I am a parasite.

I feed off your human emotions.

There is no experience more pleasurable than seeing a high quality, brand-spanking-new film on opening weekend with a sold out crowd. There's a certain energy about the place if the movie is exciting and the crowd is really loving it.

I'll never forget (possibly) seeing Casino Royale the day after Thanksgiving, the way the crowd gasped when James Bond had to jump after the bomb maker from the crane to the top of the construction site. There's nothing like being in tune with a large audience for all the emotions that come with a Hollywood Blockbuster.

Seeing a movie at home is never the same, whether it is Bluray or DVD, or even if you have the sickest home theater system known to man. Without the audience a movie is nothing (well, that's an exaggeration. A good movie rocks regardless, but watching it at home is but a shadow of what it once was at the theater). I'll put it in terms my music obsessed friends can understand: seeing a movie opening weekend at the theater is being at the concert. Watching a DVD at home is simply listening to the CD (well, a DVD is more aptly like listening to a tape. Watching a Bluray is like listening to a CD.).

Obviously, experiencing a movie for the first time can only be experienced once (the first time, duh!). The next best thing, the only way to chase that original high, as it were, is to see the movie again in a packed theater. You still get the benefit of the audience reaction, even though you know what is coming next.

This is the rationale I use when I see a movie multiple times, preferably within the first week or two of release. I can only experience the pure, utter bliss of first viewing a movie like Sherlock Holmes once. But, after that, I have a very brief window (two weeks, maybe four weeks if the movie is a giant hit) to experience the movie going experience of Sherlock Holmes. And I intend to experiance said experience as many times as necessary, because after the movie's popularity subsides, the opportunity to watch the movie with a giant crowd is gone forever.

You see, I feed off the emotions of others. I may not be a Sherlock Holmes virgin, but the person sitting next to me probably is. As are most, if not all, the other people in the theater. I experience their wonder, their shock, their laughter with them, which is the next best thing to feeling it myself for the first time. There is a certain scene in Sherlock Holmes (NO spoilers here) where the audience always gasps. Another where they are always grossed out. This is my bread and butter. This... feeds... me.

I have seen Sherlock Holmes 3 times in the last week. Because though I will get it on Bluray in 6 months, it will never be the same. I saw Star Trek 5 times. Last year I saw The Dark Knight 4 times and Iron Man 5.

If you know me, and I have ever pushed you to watch a movie I love but that you were not keen to watch, it because I wanted your emotions. I wanted to experience the movie with a virgin to the experience, so I could attempt to capture the emotions you had the privilege of feeling for the first time.

Because I am a parasite.

And I feed on human emotions brought to the surface by movies.

So if you are ever enjoying a movie in the dark of the theater and a chill goes down your spine, and all the warmth and joy seem to be sucked from the room, that is not a Dementor (oh shit, HP reference mother fuckers! [I hate myself]), that is simply me, feeding off your joy.

Be seeing you.