I am not a dick.

I may be a parasite, but I am not a dick.

But I do play one on the internet.

One of my dear friends, also a dear reader, accused me of being a horrible person. Maybe it was my comments about homeless people being "putrid human beings" and "subhuman creatures" or maybe it was when I stated "fucking homeless" and then "fucking homeless!" Maybe it was when I proved I was not racist by saying I hate all people equally. Maybe it was when I told the man who invented roller shoes to take his time machine and use it to kill his infant self (Hell yes, this blog posting has become a clip show). Or perhaps it was when I called people who use headsets "faggity douches."

Look, I'm not really an asshole. I don't hate as much as I appear to hate on this blog. It's more a character, like Stephen Colbert on his show vs. the real Stephen Colbert. The Nick Doll who blogs is an exaggerated version of the real Nick Doll (I've always wanted to refer to myself in third person on the net... besides on a Facebook Status or Twitter Update).

I am an unfunny, much less clever version of this man.

I may actually have nothing but animosity toward people who feel entitled enough to ask for a store to open for them after it has closed or who jay walk at a slow, greedy pace so oncoming traffic must slow down as not to shatter their windshield and get blood and guts all over their car. But I would never act hostile towards such a person were I to encounter them face to face, either on the street or in the retail setting. Because I may hate them secretly, but I don't want to be a dick.

I may ignore homeless people on the street when they ask for change, but I don't actually consider them subhuman or putrid creatures. I just don't want to give them money, and ignoring them is easier than saying no (and, come on, everyone does it! [Like cigarettes.]).

So, I am not a dick.

But I will continue to act like a dick on the internet.