Fortune Cookie Fortune Writers Need to Grow A Pair (Of Testicles)

Dear Fortune Cookie Fortune Writers,

You should all have your memberships to the FCFWGA (Fortune Cookie Fortune Writer's Guild of America) revoked. Never, in all my twenty-one (nearly twenty-two) years of life and one month of being a trashy "journalist" (aka blogger) have I seen such a disregard for the responsibility your job entails.

It is your job to write fortunes! Not advice! If I wanted advice I would turn to an old, bearded Chinese man, not an old, crunchy Chinese cookie.

Just last week I was eating at the Panda Express in the food court in the mall across the bridge from my Barnes and Noble -

- And that's another thing! What's the deal with Panda Express? I'm always happy when I begin a "meal" of Panda Express, but I always stop, about halfway through my "meal," and think to myself, "Why the fuck am I eating Panda Express?" It's the only fast food place I can think of that I regret eating while still in the middle of a "meal." I've never once finished Panda Express satisfied. I swear to Shat, halfway through every "meal" of Panda Express, I have regrets. I'm not regretting the fat intake, cause I really don't give a shit. It's like the food isn't tasty after the first few bites. It starts tasty, that chicken tastes so Goddamn Orange, but then it gets tiresome. And, no, I can't just order less food so I stop eating before the Panda boredom sets in. Because then I'd still be hungry. Even if I don't enjoy the second half of my Panda "meal," at least I'm full of Panda afterward. -

- But that is neither here nor there. Last week, I was eating at the Panda Express in the food court in the mall across the bridge from my Barnes and Noble when I got this lame fortune, "..." Okay. That is where I would quote the fortune, but I admit, I lost it. I saved it because it was so incredibly lame, but then I lost it before this blog came to fruition. Which is also incredibly lame, on so many levels.

But, I'll paraphrase. It basically said if I'm more outgoing, I'll make more friends. Or something. And granted, that's good advice. Advice I really should take. Me specifically. So that is kind of fortunate. But it ain't a fucking fortune!

And Today's fortune (why the fuck do I keep buying Panda Express?! I only enjoy it for, like, 10 bites [Answer: Because I can't eat McDonald's and Charley's Steakhouse Sandwiches everyday.]!) was... and this time I do quote because I managed to save it for less than twelve hours, "Express yourself, Do something creative."

Granted, also very wise advice. And it does apply to me (but really, both these examples apply to everyone with a pulse!). Could be talking about screenwriting more, or this blog, or the other creative endeavors I sideline everyday for less productive activities. But this is from a crunchy Chinese cookie! Not a bearded Chinese man! So no good! No good at fucking all.

You've got the best writing gig in the world, Fortune Cookie Fortune Writers! All writers, whether they be screenwriters, novelists, or some other type of writer who doesn't matter at all, wish they were fortune cookie fortune writers! It's the gig of a lifetime!

Just think about it! You can give people hope! Or turn them into hermits who never have sex or leave their homes... ever!

I think this lack of actual fortune writing comes from a fear of not being correct. But think about it, how will you ever be correct if you don't try? Sure, you're probably batting pretty damned near close to a thousand when you say "Be more outgoing, make more friends," but how much cooler would it be if you said "You will fall in love today" and were correct?

And even that's just playing it safe. You could predict all kinds of crazy shit.

"You're going to win a million dollars this month." 

"You're going to get promoted to CEO of your company this week!"

"You're going to fall in love this year... with a one legged pelican named Melinda.... who happens to be the same sex as you. Surprise, you're a homosexual!" (You had to hear it from a cookie. Ouch [Then again, is there anything more honest than a cookie?].)

Sure, you're going to be wrong most of the time. In fact, I wouldn't advise ever getting as specific as that last example. But, eventually, you're going to be right. Someone is going to fall in love the same day they cracked open YOUR cookie! And you are going to be THE FUCKING MAN (even if you'll never know it. And they'll never know your name or what-not because the FCFWGA guidelines strictly state there is no credit in the fortune cookie fortune writing business. Trust me, this IS for your own protection, especially after you predict someone is going to fall in love this year with a one legged pelican named Melinda who happens to be the same sex as them.)!

Imagine how terrifying it will  be for that person when a fortune actually comes to pass. Even if it was something as wonderful as falling in love, they'll always doubt the dark magic of that cookie. That fucking cookie. Maybe it will taint their relationship, making them secretly loathe their life partner until the day they die, bitter and alone. See, this is the kind of shit you were looking forward to when you enrolled in Fortune Cookie Fortune Writing School, wasn't it?

I know you're embittered yourself now, having seen the cruel reality of the fortune cookie fortune writing industry, so let's try to recapture that wonder you felt when you were a fortune cookie fortune writing virgin. The terror inspired by an innocent fortune coming true is just the tip of the iceberg.   Think about the fun you could be having with this gig!

Why not write terrifying fortunes? Start with the vague, innocent fortunes at first, so when people start hearing rumors about fortunes coming true, that's when you scare the shit out of them. Now, start predicting horrible things.

"You will get AIDs next time you have sex!"

"You will die in a fiery plane crash next time you fly!"

"Your significant other is cheating on you! And he/she is plotting with his/her better lover to murder you so he/she can be happy again because you're strangling the life out oh him/her!"

Okay, so that last one wasn't a fortune. But it's damn fun.

Really, you can be as sadistic as you want, it's your industry, fortune cookie fortune writers. But, next time, when I eat another regrettable meal at Panda Express, there had better be a fucking fortune in that fortune cookie! You lazy pricks.

Best,
Nick