Yes, I work on THE THIRD FLOOR because I requested it, lost among our thousands upon thousands of DVDs and Blurays... and 12 CDs (we honestly only carry about 30 different music CDs on two measly racks. No one buys music anymore... no one except for the 5 people everyday who complain about our measly selection... who are all over 40... which means they simply don't know how to pirate music...).
My favorite part about my job - besides discussing movies with someone who actually knows something about them, which only happens about once every two weeks (and this someone is almost always a film professor from a LA college) - is a practice I like to call "tightening."
A Tightened Shelf
Tightening is only done on closing shifts. Our shelves start tight in the morning, packed with merchandise so there are no loose spots. Picture a book shelf full of books so there is no open space - a tightly packed bookcase - only replace those books you are imagining with DVDs (only you don't have to imagine, because I took some pictures of my own collection for you [I realize there are some alphabetizing issues. I am embarrassed, but do not want to retake the photos. Rest assured, it has been corrected].) . That's how things start, if the closer the previous night properly tightened. Throughout the day, as we sell DVDs, the shelves get loose. So that night, the closer has to tighten them anew. Fascinating shit, I know.
A shelf that needs to be tightened.
Obviously, the most obvious way to tighten is to add more DVDs to the shelf (obviously!). But we very rarely have "overstock" (DVDs to add). So, the act of tightening becomes one big puzzle. When I tighten, I basically shift DVDs backward to earlier shelves that are loose, condensing the DVDs. After I have shifted enough DVDs, large spots begin to open up on the shelf. Once a big enough spot has opened up, I flip a DVD, so instead of it's spine facing out, the front cover does. That's how you tighten. You condense the shelves until a spot opens up and you can flip a DVD so it takes up more space. And, no, I have never hummed "Tighten Up" while doing it... not yet anyway, though now I have fucked myself by thinking about it.
A shelf Tightened by flipping a DVD
It becomes a game, because you never come out just right. You need to get all the shelves tight without removing or adding merch. If you flip a title to face outward that has multiple copies, you obviously stack them on top of each other. More or less space can be filled this way. If I have 10 copies of G.I. Joe, for example (which I do [at least] because no one buys that shitty looking movie) I may flip 3 to face outward, stacking them, and leave the other 7 with the spine facing outward because this gets the shelf tight. If I were to flip 4 and only leave 6 it would not be tight. Get it (of course you don't, you have to live this shit to appreciate it)?
The act of tightening turns me on (No, not really you idiot. This exaggeration is for entertainment purposes in an unintentionally boring as shit blog!). No lie. It really is orgasmic for two reasons. First, all my Tetris skills finally have a real world application. Second, I'm handling loads of movies. I do this shifting of DVDs at home every time I get a new Bluray, only on a much smaller scale. I love to organize my DVDs and Blurays, because they are my babies, they are what I am most proud of in the whole wide world and will remain so even when I have human children (here I go about children again [and there I go commenting on it again {is reusing a joke over and over again okay if you comment on the act of reusing it? It failed miserably when they did it this season on 30 Rock with their lame Al Gore whale joke.}.].).
So, it makes sense that this tightening transcends simply being a chore of my job and becomes a ritual. A very sexy ritual. So, if you find anything sticky on that DVD you are planning on purchasing at my store, DO NOT TASTE IT! It's not candy residue left by a small child, which you would normally taste when finding in a store (it's semen!).
The other great joy of tightening is that I get to chose which DVD flip to face the customer. I get to choose which DVDs stand out, perhaps leading to improved sales. Though I am usually smart about it, and make sure to flip top sellers like Twilight (which is also smart because we have multiple copies so by choosing how many to flip I can better regulate the tightening process), I also always make sure to flip personal favorites like Indiana Jones or Observe and Report (I always flip Observe and Report).
I often seem to flip 30 Rock (because it's awesome) and Baby Mama (because I've never seen it, but it does have Tina Fey and we do have multiple copies [because no one wants it] so it is a great regulator). So, basically, what I've written this entire blog to say is, Tina Fey owes me one. If I sell but one extra copy of Baby Mama, I think that calls for a favour. Of the sexual, British variety (I won't make the toothless joke again here [Oh snap! I just did!].
Because Tina Fey is adorable!
Oh, and all you people just waiting for me to fail (you know who you are, you cockface, you), this blog obviously counts for the 8th of January. Because it was written during the 8th's awake cycle (true fans of the blog know what I am talking about! Am I right?!). So, I have not yet failed my promise to write one blog a day. So, fuck you for wanting me to fail!
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