What I did to you last night was inexcusable. Inexcusable!
That half-assed blog was very rude of me, and I apologize (in fact, that wasn't even a half-assed blog. More like a quarter-assed blog [which is a lot less sexy than it sounds]). The tempting powers of Colin Farrell and Samuel L. Jackson were just too much for my weak, human soul.
So, tonight I set out to right the wrongs of past Nick Doll (that lazy basterd... er bastard!). Since my Time Machine is not yet complete, all I can really do is try to write a really kick-ass blog. So, here goes nothing...
Fortunately, the God of Blogs hath smiled down upon us. Today, while hanging my 67th poster with Harrison Ford's likeness, I put a massive, hammer sized hole through the wall. After cursing the God of Poster Hanging, I found this wantless destruction was actually a blessing in disguise (as wantless destruction often is [I don't think "wantless destruction" is actually an expression]).
In this hole in the wall, I found an ancient box with a dragon on it. In it, were letters of an ancient correspondence between George Washington (yes, THE George Washington) and Alexander Hamilton (yes... well... Alexander Hamilton). Imagine that (I don't mean the final nail in Eddie Murphy's coffin)! Ancient letters between George Washington and Alexander Hamilton! In the wall of my apartment! In Los Angeles! In an apartment building that was built in 1990.
Well, as crazy as it sounds it is 100% true. I found ancient letters between George Washington and Alexander Hamilton in the wall of my Los Angeles apartment constructed in 1990 while putting up my 67th Harrison Ford poster. In these astounding letters, lays (lies? [not in this blog! Only truths!]) the discovery of a lifetime. In it, Washington and Hamilton outline the creation of the age old tradition of the New Years resolution. I have transcribed the letters below, for I fear the act of scanning them may cause them to crumble into dust.
First Letter from George Washington, Addressed to his Cabinet, 1789
"Dear Cabinet,
G.W. here. Capital job on that revolution dealy. I honestly though we were fuckethed. I mean, who would have thought a rag-tag group of sodomite farmers like us could beat an empire like that of bloody old England. Stupendous!
That crossing of the Delaware was a particularly inspiring maneuver, if I do utter so myselfth (and I do so utter such a proclamation). From now on, when anyone attempts an attack on Christmas, whether it be crossing a river or upon a yet to be invented commuter flying machine, they will certaintly think George Washington. There is nothing more American!
Now that praise has been garnished all around, like Franklin's seaman at a brothel (we need to do that again sometime, you old poop), I must cum (like Franklin!) to why I have taken the time to inscribe such words on parchment. Grave words! Grave words, indeed.
As you are all quite aware, I recently opened the world's first gym, which, I of course, named after the man whom I murdered for the idea. Unfortunately, Gym's idea was not as sound as he led me to believe that night at the brothel, after Franklin left to father more illegitimate hooker children.
My gym is, so far, a huge disaster. More disastrous than the time all the Indians threw that tea into the ocean and the British blamed us for it (someday they will pay for such treachery). That was the worst tea part ever.
Attendance is lousy. Fucking lousy. I have even made Jefferson the manager, but apparently, writing a half-decent Declaration of Independce does not qualify you to run the world's first gym. His ideas to increase attendance bloweth. They bloweth harder than a redcoat does to save his life (and they bloweth very hard, yet it was never hard enough to prevent their beheading).
Jefferson suggested I allow women to attend the gym! He says men will be more apt to work their bodies at an establishment where they can ogle oodles of women. Jefferson always has been a pussy. Who wants to get shirtless and sweaty when there are women around? What a queer idea. I think Jefferson is a fag. A total fag.
I write to you this morrow in hopes you can solve my quandary. I want a way to increase gym membership that does not give women any more rights than they already have. For they already have far too much.
Sincerely,
Prez 4 Life
George Washington
P.S. We also need to come up with a good ole' tradition to accompany the New Years holiday. Any suggestions?"
So ends Washington's first letter.
What follows, is a response from Alexander Hamilton...
"Dearest Prez 4 Life, George Washington,
My liege, I may have the solution to your troubles. BOTH your troubles! To kill two redcoats with one stone, as if were (I remember you were quite of fond of this in wartime. The boys and I are working on getting some redcoats and some very large stones for the office party).
Why not make the new years tradition encourage gym membership? Perhaps, the tradition could be that people make "resolutions" for themselves. These resolutions could be a number of things, but they would always include improving one's body. And what better way to improve their body than at your gym (as long as you keep the women out, that is)?
Food for thought.
Sincerley,
Alexander Hamilton
P.S. I agree that Jefferson is a total fag. Fucketh that cockface."
So ends Hamilton's world altering suggestion.
Which brings me to the final document in the ancient box. Washington's final response to Hamilton.
"Hamilton! You scally-wag!
Have you been smoking that plant the Indians like so much?
No matter, just as Jefferson has always credited the Mary Janice for the Declaration of Independence, it has led you to the most ingenious of conclusions. Why, did you know, Franklin was smoking Mary Janice when he decided to fly that kite in the lightning storm? Sure, it seemed like an unwise decision at the time, but now that he has super human strength, we have all been shut up. All been shut up indeed.
I shall implement your idea forthright!
I must suggest, though, that you consider faking your death. If the American people (bunch of bloody scoundrels!) learn that we have invented a tradition simply to sell them gym memberships, they will tear you limb from limb, just as they did to King George. Perhaps Aaron Burr can help you in this matter. He is quite astute, and a good listener.
It is regrettable that your brilliant solution means you shall have to fake your death, but as super human Franklin always insists "With Great Power Cums Great Responsibility." You have truly saved this seedling of a nation with your unconventional pondering brought on as a product of smoking the Mary Janice.
With Much Love,
Prez 4 Life,
George Washington
P.S. Franklin and I are going to the brothel tomorrow night. Wish to join us? Hookers are on Washington."
Wow. What a discovery right? I can hardly believe I found these papers in that dragon box in the wall of my apartment.
If you wish for prove, I can show you the lett...
Oh shoot. I just sneezed, which caused them to crumble to dust just as I feared the scanner would do.
Look like I was right. Again.
Anyway, seeing as how I have just shared a discovery that alters US History as we know it (in more ways than one), I think I will take the rest the evening off. Maybe watch SWAT again, which this time, I have truly earned.
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