After all, one of my favorite It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia quotes is Mac's response when asked why he doesn't vote; "And what? Vote for the democrat who's going to blast me in the ass? Or the republican who's going to blast my ass? Either way, politics is all one big ass blasting."
Because I love politicians so much, I am writing this handy dandy guide for you, the politician, and you, the politician in training (if you ever become a senator or whatnot, Andrew, please do refer back to this blog. It might save your ass, not that your ass necessarily needs saving.). It includes a list of guidelines to follow whenever you are asked to appear on a News Program.
Because, eventually it happens to all of us. We're just minding our own business, trying to "make this country a better place" (by which I actually mean we are trying to undermine the other political party to which we do not belong, no matter what the cost [duh!]). When, suddenly, we get asked onto a news program on CNN or FOX News, to provide insight on what the President is going to do next. Because, everyone knows that a 24 hours news network's main responsibility it not reporting the news, it's speculating on the future.
So, without further ado, these are the guidelines that will save your ass when you are a politician asked onto a news program (and I assure you, YOU will be, I don't care who you are or what your career path is).
1. Always refer back to the most recent news story that qualifies as a "tragedy." Try to keep this as politics free as possible so that people understand you are a human being just like them (even though you aren't. You're a cold, soulless, beast with lifeless eyes like those blue freaks from Avatar [Drop it? You drop it!]). If you're a Republican, try to refrain from calling the new Dem's plan for Health Care a tragedy. If your a Democrat, don't refer to the economic situation the Republicans got us into as a tragedy. This is not the time to be political (the other 99% of your appearance is for that). Pick something reported on within the hour like a death in Iraq or an bus accident involving special needs children.
Simply state, "First of all (NEWS ANCHOR NAME GOES HERE), I just want to say what a terrible tragedy this accident (<-- NAME TRAGEDY HERE) was. My heart goes out to all those affected by this horrible tragedy (don't forget to say tragedy twice!)." There, now you're golden. No matter what you say later, no one can claim you don't care about those special needs kids who died (or what have you). No mater what monstrous comments you make, you're not a monster (or so the people think). You've tricked the people into thinking you care for the unfortunate, just like them.
2. Always disagree with the experts brought in from the opposing party. This should be a no brainer. It is your job, as a politician, to blindly believe what your part believes and automatically attack the opposite party's viewpoints. Make sure to disregard any individual thought that somehow remains after college.
Individual thought loses elections. Lost elections lose the country to the opposing party. The opposing party kills America. Never forget it! Because they don't want what you and I want! They don't want Americans to be secure, happy, and provided for. They want Americans to be dead by terrorist attack, sad because they are dead by terrorist attacks, and poor because they are dead by terrorist attack. And they consider puppy hearts a delicacy. Puppy hearts!
So, I know you already know this, but for God's sake (for Science's sake, if you are a Democrat) never agree with the opposing party. You were elected to undermine them!
Of course, if they just referenced what a tragedy that special needs kids bus accident was, for Science's sake (God's sake) don't disagree with them! This is the only exception to the rule.
3. If you are a Democrat on FOX News or if you are a Republican on CNN, always disagree with the news anchor! Though they are not technically in politics, they enjoy the flavor of puppy hearts no less than your political opponents.
4. Find something to blame on the other party's most recent president. If you are not the party currently controlling the presidency, ALWAYS attack the current President. If you are the party holding the presidency, attack the most recent president of the opposite party.
For example, today a Republican would attack a decision made by Obama. It is now the Democrat's duty to tie this failure back to a George W. Bush failure. Simple shit.
5. A lie is only a lie if your party doesn't believe it. Likewise, something is only true if your party acknowledges that truth. If your party decides tomorrow that gravity is a lie, it is. Don't question it (because if you do, you might as well feed on the organs of puppies... and infants... and infant puppies!)! Just because fact doesn't support your truth, doesn't mean it isn't true. If about half the people in the nation believe it, how can half the country be wrong (except for the half the country that is wrong!)? So always stick to your guns and don't let silly things like facts get in the way.
BONUS. See if you can find a way to blame the opening tragedy on the other party. If you are a Democrat and the tragedy involved troops dying in Iraq, this is a no brainer. Just blame your opponent for starting a pointless war. If you are a republican, your best bet is blaming Obama's economic stimulus plan or the impending health care reform. Because, everyone knows the very thought of health care reform has caused more heart attacks than it could ever treat.
Just follow these 5 guidelines and you'll look like a pro. Sure, you'll never convince the enemy, but you can be rest assured your people are behind you and that is all that matters anyway. As long as you don't agree with your opponent or disagree that the bus accident that killed special needs children was was a tragedy, you'll be fine!
Happy destroying the planet, politician!
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