I see it all the time. A mother and her children are at Barnes and Noble. She is there for something unrelated to them, perhaps for the latest selection for her book club (whatever book is about to become a movie) or maybe a birthday present for her brother-in-law. But, when you bring children shopping, it often ends with buying them a gift. Whether is a Magic Tree House book for only $3.99 or one of our Where The Wild Things stuffed animals which are now 50% off, quite often kids leave B&N with a little gift (because our prices are insane-ane-ane...ly overpriced... unless their is a sale). Just so they know their mother still loves them (because every child knows that not getting a gift is a clear sign you need to run away from home and join a band of child pick pockets run by a one eyed man who beats you when you don't come up with the goods like the occasional golden pocket watch).
I see it when I shop at Target. The family's doing some shopping, buying toilet paper and such. little Carlos gets a new toy though, because he's special (and he threw a fit). It's not Christmas, it's not Hanukkah (most likely not, anyway, but who can be sure? Only Jews are aloud to know the date and it's the longest Holiday ever! People are still literally buying Hanukkah gift cards from me at B&N), it's not some Holiday invented in the last 50 years like Kwanzaa. It's just time to reward little Pedro with a Transformer (what can I say, there are always a lot of Hispanics at my Target. I'm not being racist or anything, but if you know me, you know I never misrepresent demographics, not even when blogging.).
My childhood was no different. Though a trip to Target very rarely ended with me deciding not to run away from home, there were special occasions when I did get a present for doing absolutely nothing but whining. I remember once when I went to Disney Afternoons on Ice with my family. You know the one. They had an ice show that incorporated such classic Disney Afternoon shows as Tail Spin, Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers (Chi-chi-chi-chip and Dale, Rescue Rangers! Chi-Chi-chi-chip and Dale! When there's Danger!), and Darkwing Duck (let's get dangerous! [not a very good message to pass onto children. It's a wonder I'm still alive when there were messages like that in my TV shows]).
Anyway, at this Disney Afternoons on Ice Show, my parents bought me a Darkwing Duck stuffed animal. It was awesome! But it had to be pricey. I mean, we were at an Ice Show, at whatever Denver called the Pepsi Center's predecessor (was it Nichol's Arena or something?). And it's Disney! A sporting arena and the House of Mouse. I can't think of a alternative equation that could lead to a more overpriced toy.
Anyway, all that build up and explanation to get to a point that I gave away in the title (I really suck at this blog writing "business"): my children will never get a spur of the moment present like that Darkwing Duck stuffed animal (here I go blogging about my fictional children again). Go ahead Children, throw a tantrum and run away from home! I don't care (I am going to make a wonderful father).
Why in the world would I buy my kid anything at the store when anything and everything can be procured cheaper on Amazon.com? That's right, ladies and gentlemen, in case you have been living under a rock like Bin Laden, everything in the world is cheaper on Amazon. If you buy stuff anywhere else, like Target or Barnes and Noble, you are fucking stupid. That item would have been 10 cents on Amazon!
So, I may spoil my child rotten with gifts (because I will be so thankful they exist so I can really start to write about them without seeming baby crazy [which I've proven dudes can be {so weird}]), but they will all be gifts he doesn't want anymore.
My son, Nick Jr. (no relation to the network, all relation to me [hopefully, but if he is not white at least I'll know]), will see that toy he wants at Target. And he will put up a fit to get it. But he won't, not then.
I'll add it to a list of toys he wants. Then, once I have $25 worth of toys on my "good father" list (which will be hundreds with Amazon's amazingly low prices), I'll head to amazon.com and buy them all, able to get my free super saver shipping because I spent a minimum of $25. With the free super saver shipping, the toys will take a week or so for Amazon to mail, and then another week to ship. So, by these calculations (time spent to build up $25 dollars worth of toys with Amazon's shockingly low prices, time taken for Amazon to park toys, time taken to for toys to reach our place of residence), my son will recieve toy he's ever wanted when after he turns 21 (I would still love to get that Tonka Car you can actually drive, parents). It's a win/win. I saved thousands of dollars thanks to www.amazon.com, plus waiting builds character. So Nick Jr. will have a shit ton of character (even if he does hate his father).
My daughter, on the other hand, will get everything she's ever wanted the moment before she even knows she wants it. Because she is (will be) daddy's little girl.
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