I am not Eric Millegan

Yes, not able to leave well enough I alone, I return to my "I am" franchise with a delayed fourth chapter, one that is sure to disappoint both because of how beloved the original trilogy has become and because of the massive expectations placed on this long-time-coming fourth part. Sure, I may be cashing in on the incredible wealth generated by this tried and true franchise and I may not be in the same place creatively that I was in 7 days ago when I wrote the original trilogy, but the fans have demanded it (about half of them, at least. The other half are strongly against it) so here it is...

I am not Eric Millegan.

"Who?" You may be asking.

"Not me," I say, "I am not Eric Millegan."

And it's true. I am not Eric Millegan. I may have been a little iffy on the truth a few times in the past, but now I am being straight with you. Totally and absolutely straight. Unlike Eric Millegan.

Eric Millegan (not me) is an actor best known for his role on Bones (no, this role did not involve him hopping [hoping?] on top of the good Dr., Bones McCoy. I am talking about the Fox TV show, you idiot). He is a regular cast member who eventually turns out to be serial killer, so we do have that in common (the serial killing I mean).

I do not watch Bones (the TV show, I do watch Bones the character on Star Trek) so I was not aware of this actor or story arch. But, when I came to work at Barnes and Noble, a fellow coworker asked me if I had been on Bones. "No," I says to her, "If I were on Bones why would I be working here?" I says.

Of course, I later learned that just because you are a semi-sucessful actor doesn't mean you won't latter end up working at Barnes and Noble. As touched on yesterday, one of my managers, Nick (no relation), was in a deleted scene in Star Trek: Nemesis. And here it is (Click on "Here," here or there [no! Don't click on "there" you idiot! My my, you are stupid today]). He is the one introducing the new chair to Captain Picard. It's so weird seeing someone you see nearly everyday alongside big-time-hot-shot-movie-actor-people!

But, anyways, that is beside the point (or, before the point I guess more aptly describes where it actually is). And the point is this... apparently I look like someone on Bones (see, the point did come after).

But, I gave this warning that I could have an evil-serial-killer-clone out there no credence. Just because one person thinks something, doesn't make it so (unless that one person is the infallible emperor of your political party).

So, I put it out of my mind. And out of my mind it remained for 3 long months (if only the urge to kill would stay away for half as long).

Until, last week.

Last week I got an oil change.

And it changed everything.

Not just my oil.

Though that was changed as well.

I hope (is there really a way to tell? How do I know these people aren't just taking my money and telling me they changed the oil. I ain't no rocket scientist. Nor am I a mechanic, who would probably be better suited to figure out if he was getting ripped off on oil changes. Though, why would he not just preform the oil change himself? And isn't being a rocket scientist just a more advanced form of being a mechanic? I don't know. Why are you asking me this? I'm not a rocket scientist. Not am I a mechanic...).

Anyway, the mechanic changed my oil (again, I hope he did at least) and the teller CHANGED MY LIFE!!! (Sorta. But not really though).

She says to me, "Were you on Bones?" she says.

A ha! So my coworker was not just delusional (perhaps I should not have accused her of such. I do feel a little guilty about all the verbal put-downs relating to her sanity... but only because she killed herself.). If one person thinks something, it may not be truth (except in the exception I already provided you with, dear readers), but if two people think something, independently of knowing one another, it is absolute fact. Which is how I know the end is Nye (but why would Bill Nye bring the end? All he wants to do is learn us some science. Perhaps science really has killed God...).

I must look like this Eric Millegan person. Though I do not see it, perhaps you do, dear readers. You've seen the photos sprinkled throughout this blog. Do I look like this Eric Millegan person? Two people have not simply thought I looked like him, they have confused me with him. Which confuses me, because we do not look that much alike. Do we?

We must. How could two people think something that isn't true? (Answer: they can't. It is impossible.)

So, new career plan. I am going to kill Eric Millegan, both providing me with a new career opportunity and quenching my blood lust, shutting up that voice in my head for another week or so. After all, Mr. Millegan's character is returning to Bones this season. So, I can impersonate him and become a minor TV actor! Hollywood, consider yourself ass raped.

But, according to the interwebs, Eric is gay...

Oh well. Everyone learns in film school that you aren't going to make it unless you're willing to suck a few cocks. I guess this is what they meant.

I am not Eric Millegan.

But I will suck a cock if it means stealing his life and getting away with his murder (but not really, Penises [Peniss? Peni?] are icky).