That's right, the good papa, Papa John Pizza (not actual last name, I bet), pulled down my pants, and stuck his dick in my butt hole. Lubed up with Pizza Sauce, he entered and exited, entered and exited, ENTERED AND EXITED!!! Faster and faster! In out, out in! HE RAPED ME!
Oh... God... I'm sorry... I've just never been raped by a Pizza mascot before... I'm distraught...
If you can't trust the Pizza Mascots, who can you trust?
I know they said "Avoid the Noid," but he had a heart of Gold.
Literally. His anatomy was different than ours because he wasn't people.
Too bad for him hearts of gold don't pump blood that well (or at all, for that matter). RIP Noid. You are missed (until Domino's reboots you).
Anyway, all this making light of rape has gotten me off topic. No, I wasn't literally raped by Papa John Pizza. I've never been raped... by a Pizza Mascot... Not yet, anyway (Seriously, fucking Avoid the Noid! One of my Uncles was raped by the Noid!)...
Let me explain...
I order my Pizza from Papa John's. Ever since I moved (wow, I always try to spell move, "movie" because I type the word "movie" far more than "move," but I've never tried to spell moved, "movied"... until now!) to my LA apartment, for 2 reasons. First, it is close. It is half a mile away, so a walk there and back is only one mile. Easy. Breezy. Beautiful. Cover Girl.
Because you're worth it!
Plus, I have this coupon.
Well, I HAD this coupon. Once. For a carryout special. $8.99 for a large, one topping pizza, as long as I pick it up.
I had this coupon once. But, whenever I order pizza (which is about 3 times a month for the past half a year), I always tell them I HAVE this coupon. And they know what coupon I am talking about. So, they give me the discount. I've never had to produce the coupon. Not once!
I think you see where this modern tragedy is going.
I know it's horrible. Like watching a box full of kittens slowly approach a whirring blade. Or, more realistically, watching a box of puppies approach a Puppy Heart Extracting Machine, or PHEMbot, at a Puppy Heard Plant, or PHP for you scientists out there.
I called Papa John's and ordered the usual. This guy was either new or retarded. He didn't ask me for my phone number first (non-mentally challenged Pizza phone operators always start with this industry trademark) and when I did give it to him, he repeated every fucking number I gave, as a question. It was like this (in semi-screenplay format)...
Nick
3-
Retard Pizza Man
3?
Nick
Yes. 0-
Retard Pizza Man
0?
Nick
Yes! 3-
Retard Pizza Man
3? Again?
Nick
YES! Phone numbers sometimes repeat numbers! 8-
Anyway, you get the idea. He was retarded. So, I knew I had to be careful of that retard strength when picking up my pizza.
I gave him my phone number, which took 10 minutes, then I ordered. A large, one topping pizza (as the coupon once stated)...
Nick
...With Jalapenos.
Retard Pizza Man
Jalapeno peppers?
Nick
...? Am I being Punk'd? Won't
Ashton Kutcher just die already?
So, I ordered the pizza. And I told him about the coupon I "have." Usually, this is when they apply the coupon and tell me the new price. The $8.99 price.
The squeamish can stop reading now. I won't blame you. Just be glad this didn't happen to you!
He didn't apply the price. Because he was a new employee (or a retard), he didn't know what coupon I was talking about, or that he was SUPPOSED to take my word for it and apply the discount. Instead, he said I should just "bring the coupon in... or something."
Fuuuuuuuck. I looked for the coupon. In my apartment I looked. Online I looked. Nuthin'. I obviously haven't seen it in six months...
So, I went in. And tried to convince the woman to give me the coupon price without the coupon. But she didn't! She said I need to present the coupon to use it! Which is bullshit, because I always pick up the pizza from her, and she has NEVER, not once, asked to see the coupon!
This is BULLSHIT! Pay full price for pizza? Me?! I've never done that before! And it was far worse than I expected it would be! And far worse than I make it out to be here! I am lucky to be alive.
I hope she falls in the oven and dies (only not really... because that would ruin someone's pizza... and I would not wish that on ANYBODY!).
Anyway, sorry for internet yelling at you, but I am still so upset, hours later. I may never go back. It's nothing personal, but the risk of having to pay for full price pizza is far too great. The reason we learn history is to learn from our mistakes...
NEVER FORGET! I will never again pay for full price pizza.
P.S. there was a great picture of an eagle with a tear running down it's face... but it had the date 9/11/01, so I didn't want to post it... because today's date was 1/22/10.
Aw, what the hell. The Eagle Crying is too hilarious an op to pass up.
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