The Sexiest Death: You're Allergic to Sperm!

First off, let me warn by saying that I am not interested in fact. Sure, I could have researched this topic further (I do have those 13 aliens from Crystal Skull's gift to man [knowledge that will cause me to spontaneously combust if consumed all at once] via the internet), giving you important information that could very well save your life. But, like I said, I'm not interested in fact.

I am instead interested in speculation, that branches off from fact. So, sure, you could research this topic further and put rest to my idle speculation... but where is the fun in that?

Fact: Woman can be allergic to sperm!

I know, right? That's what I said. I said, "What-in-the-what-what?" just like you. No shit!

Fact: Women can be allergic to sperm. So when they have sex with a dude for the first time, they may feel a burning sensation, a real painful burning, and they may have swelling and shit, just like a person who was allergic to peanuts would after consuming peanuts or sperm (if he/she was also allergic to sperm).

Fact: In rare cases, this can lead to death, just like a peanut allergy can. But, in most cases, it just means the woman who is allergic to sperm can't have babies. Sucks, I know, right? I mean, if I can't shoot a baby out of my body, just kill me with sperm right now!

This smiley little guy just may KILL you.

Fact: Doctors can isolate this allergy (I'm sure the lingo is not correct here) using the husband's sperm (if the couple is married... not because he can't do it if they're not married, but because he's not the husband in that case. Aren't you a stupid fucker, you penis, you [now who's offensive, Andrew?]?). This doesn't always work though and if it doesn't work the couple can't have babies that they can force to follow the dreams they were too cowardly to chase themselves.

Isn't that frightening, ladies? When you have sex for the first time without a condom, you might fucking die! That ought to put the wrath of God up inside you (but not without a condom!). The sperm might get all up in them guts, cause you searing pain as you scream and scream until you just die (in rare cases... but can you really take that chance?). I mean, they ought to teach that in schools to get kids to stay abstinent or use condoms or whatever.
"No listen children, if you have sex without a condom and you're allergic to sperm, it might be the last stupid thing you ever do. Because those little sperm will get upside you and boil your blood until your eyes pop out of your skull and you shit your intestines out your butt (I said there was some speculation involved)."

I mean, seriously ladies. Eating a peanut for the first time is one thing. I mean, a Resses peanut butter cup is the most pleasurable thing I can think of (I assume being allergic to peanuts makes you allergic to peanut butter, but I honestly have no way of knowing for sure... someone bring me someone [yourself if you qualify] with a severe peanut allergy so I can shove some peanut butter down their throat, STAT!). But having sex without a condom may not be worth it. Not unless you want a million sperm bullets cutting your baby maker to shreds from the inside.

I would die for you...

Now, this does give rise to speculation (as promised).

Can dudes be allergic to sperm? Can you be allergic to something your body produces? Does some poor gay guy get blasted in the ass (a painful enough experience as is, I'm sure) only to have his ass burn with the searing pain of a thousand deaths?

Also, does sperm just burn... in there? The allergy would take effect where ever the sperm ended up, right? I mean, people who are allergic to peanuts don't need to put peanuts into their vagina (am I aloud to say that word? I am a dude...I avoided saying it thus far because it sounds so much dirtier than penis...) to find out they are allergic to peanuts. So it makes sense that an allergy to sperm would be troublesome no matter the orifice (it should really be spelled oriface, considering how many orifices the face has...).

...So that I can turn it into a weapon!

Anyway, I really don't have a point...

Except to warn you and possibly (no... definitely) save your life!

You're welcome! Though I am not able to give you all the answers because I refuse to research further (because I don't want to spontaneously combust like Irnina Spalko [well, really I'm just too fucking lazy]) it would be best for you to never have sex without a condum if you are a straight female or a gay male. Lesbians are free to lez out.

In fact, condoms can break... so just never have sex. You may either die (if your a female) or murder someone (if you're a male)! Imagine the guilt if you murdered someone with your penis (it may sound like something to brag about ["Yo, bros! I killed someone with my dick!" - "No way, bro!" - "Yes way, bro" - "Bro!" - "Bro!"] but trust me, the guilt would eat away at you like I east away at this here Reeses Cup).

Mmmmm.... Pleasure....

Yes, that's it. I wrote this blog so that virgins reading this blog will never have sex.

Because misery loves company...

I mean...

Er...

I have literally had thousands of girlfriends. And oodles upon oodles of intercourse of the sexual variety...

....

Be seeing you.

The more you know!

Knowledge is Power!

(And yet I would have spelled it knowlege without spell check...)

(....)

Best 9 Movies of '09

It's the end of the year (and the decade, but I'll get to that in a future blog)! You know what that means, right children?

Lists! Glorious lists! Let's start with the best list of them all... The Best Movies of 2009 list! A countdown! In a very particular order.

This year, I only picked 9 movies, both because it's kind of clever (best 9 of '09, see what I did there?) and because there really are only 9 movies this year that deserve the honor of being listed (that's right, being listed by me is an honor, mother fucker!). I mean, there were other good movies this year, like The Hangover, Up In The Air, Taken, Watchmen, Coraline, and I Love You Man - just to name a few - but none of those movies are good enough to be on my list. I only list the cream of the crop... the gems... the movies I would theoretically show my children in 25 or so years (should they exist [damn, I sure talk about my children a lot in these blogs... say something about my subconscious much?]).

These are the movies you, yes YOU, owe it to yourself to see, if you value my opinion (and if you don't why the fuck are you reading my blog, cockface?). You may not agree on all, but you should at least see them so you can formulate your own opinion.

A word of warning before we proceed. Though it is safe for all to view the names on the list, if you haven't seen a movie, I would not read my explanation about why I chose it, as it will contain spoilers. If you saw the movie though, please read about why I chose it.

So, without further ado, here we go!


9. Moon - An original Sci Fi movie? Yes, 2009 had three notable ones (Avatar, District 9, and Moon) An original Sci Fi movie a low budget? 2009 had two of them (District 9 and Moon). An original Sci Fi movie that was great? 2009 only had one... Moon (District 9 was merely good and Avatar was fair at best). Moon has a real classic feeling premise and pays homage to classic Sci Fi flicks like 2001: A Space Odyssey, without becoming a rip off. I love the story of man works isolated on moon, man has accident, man finds out he has a clone. Though the twist of a station run on the man power of clones who are afterward incinerated was telegraphed too well, leaving the twist not quite the shock it could have been, it still stands as a fucking great Sci Fi film. Sam Rockwell fucking kills it, proving again why he deserves to be one of my favorite actors (another honor for all to aspire toward). Double the Rockwell really is double the fun. Seriously, the man should get an Oscar nom for his fantastic acting opposite himself. Can't wait to see him in Iron Man 2, hopefully his part is bigger than the first trailer suggests.



8. Up - Though it really is hard to compare any movie to Toy Story, as it stands as a classic at this point, Up is most certainly, at the very least, my second favorite Pixar film (possibly my fav). While last year I felt Wall-E was hugely overrated, Up deserves every bit of praise it has received. No animated film has better tugged at the heart strings. The dialogue-less montage showing the life and times of Carl and Ellie was heartbreaking and the end with Carl filling the void left by Russell's father made me teary eyed as well. The humor was also especially poignant, as the squeaky voiced alpha dog had me in stitches with every phrase, both times I viewed it. The 3-D was killer too, and the animation was the best of the year (even Cameron's MoCap can't "out magic" Pixar). I also love the 1930s, adventure aesthetic the film had going on (very Indiana Jones). There is no justice in the movie world if Up does not recive an Oscar nom... for Best Picture, not best animated film.



7. The Road - Every once and a while I need a film that is simply, "depressing as fuck" (which is why No Country for Old Men is my favorite film of the decade [but more on that in a future blog]) to get a break from all the candy films (you know, the blockbusters like Star Trek and Sherlock Holmes). This year, The Road fit the bill quite nicely (as well as two darker ones to come [and by darker, I am not saying they are darker than The Road, because this is an impossibility). The Road is incredibly faithful to the book as far as I can remember it (it's been a while since I listened to the book on tape). The movie isn't ruined by Hollywood, that is, no explanations for the end of the world are forced on the audience. It's just as ambiguous as the book. The story of survival of a father and son is as engaging as it is depressing and heart breaking. The ending is fantastic, as it's not necessarily happy. Though we, as the audience, are confident this family will not devour the boy, we do realize, in horror, that they were the ones who were following the man and the boy with the dog. So, the man and the boy left the god-send of a shelter to escape friendlies. Also, though finding the family gives us hope for the boy, we know all are doomed, eventually. I love bittersweet endings like this.



6. Sherlock Holmes - This is one of those movies that seems tailor made for me. A buddy cop/bromance at it's soul, with plenty of badass action and humor (would one expect anything less from Guy Ritchie?). Downey Jr. and Jude Law are fantastic together, and their back-and-forths are incredibly amusing in a very Riggs/Murtaugh, Lee/Carter, Cassidy/Sundance way. Though much CGI is required to create 19th century London, little is used in place of old fashioned stunt work. Holme's investigative skills mirror Shawn Spencer's of Psych (Holmes stories were most likely an influence on the fake psychic detective) and the apparent use of magic and Holme's skepticism toward it would not feel out of place in an Indiana Jones movie. I always love Mark Strong and he makes a fantastic foe here, getting the chance to deliver great "evil doer" speeches (which I get weak in the knees for). Plus, this film beautifully sets up the sequel through the mysterious Moriarty, just as Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace have build up the Quantum organization. Cannot wait for Sherlock Holmes 2. Let us hope the rumors that one, Brad Pitt, will play Moriarty are true. Guy Ritchie really is a phenomenal director, as Snatch, Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, RocknRolla, and now Sherlock Holmes, are all among my favorite movies.



5. The Hurt Locker - Jesus Christ, my heart was racing this entire movie. The expression, "it keeps you on the edge of your seat" has never better described a movie than The Hurt Locker. Basically, the main character has the possibility of being blown to smithereens at nearly any moment, and you believe the filmmakers will do it, after they killed Guy Pearce in the amazing opening sequence. Though all the Iraq parts are all top notch, the movie is at it's most interesting when Renner's character returns home and we learn he really is addicted to the adrenaline of war. The film's last moments when we see that danger really is his element left a very interesting taste in my mouth indeed.




4. Star Trek - This is how you reboot a franchise, mother fucker! Both sequel and prequel, Star Trek brilliantly sets up a brand new universe for Kirk, Spock, and Bones to play in without any expectations of their fates (unlike earlier prequels where each character's fate was known). The fact that its plot mirrors Star Wars is a huge plus. I actually got a very similar feeling of wonder and joy watching Trek that I originally got 12 years ago when I first saw Star Wars. The script is great and the action scenes really are top notch (including the CGI). The space drill set piece, especially, is a masterful scene, squeezing every bit of tension possible from the scenario and setting, reminding me of the film that best makes use of tension, Jurassic Park. Seriously, first, we see Engineer Olsen miss the landing and get cooked by the laser of the drill! Then we watch as this almost happens to Kirk! Then, as Kirk fights a Romulon, the blasts of the Romulan's gun shoot holes in Sulu's parachute, making his landing dangerous! He has to slice his parachute to save himself, a decision he regrets when he later falls off the drill toward Vulcan! You get the idea, no opportunity for tension is missed. Through its great writing and casting, my love for new Trek has converted me into a "trekkie" of sorts, as now I appreciate (and even love) the old Trek movies and the original series. This and Holmes should make for some killer sequels in the coming years.



3. A Serious Man - I don't think a year goes by when a Coen Bros' movie is not on my top of the year list. A Serious Man is great, as it leaves you thinking and begs for a second viewing just like No Country For Old Men (again, No Country is my favorite film of the decade). The ending is just as inspired as No Country's. The ambigious final shot of the tornado barreling down on the children, destined, most likely, to kill them all, sends shivers down my spine. I love the way Larry and his son seem to receive immediate punishment from God himself at the ending, whether or not this is the message the Coen's intended. Full of both Coen comedy and Coen sorrow, A Serious Man stands among their best films.



2. Observe and Report - The top two films on my list earned their position by delivering something completly unexpected. Though it is great when a film fulfills or even surpasses my expectations like Sherlock Holmes, Star Trek, and A Serious Man, it is a different joy all together when they defy them, delivering in a way I never imagined. Observe and Report is the most original and dark comedy in years (if it can even be called a comedy). Completely free of the Seth Rogen mold that is beginning to grow stale, Observe and Report seems to spit in the face of what is expected in the Hollywood system. I really cannot believe Warner Bros made this movie. Rogen's character, Ronny, date rapes the girl he loves and shoots a flasher in the chest at point blank range (in the most shocking scene of the year). Jody Hill is a hell of a writer/director (see also, Foot Fist Way and Eastbound and Down which make up his "main character slowly goes insane trilogy).




1. Inglourious Basterds - As previously stated, this film was not at all what I expected, in the best way possible. I love WWII movies, but Basterds is a whole new type of WWII movie. Scenes of dialog that can last for 45 minutes... yet, the dialog is so brilliant, so realistic, so filled with tension... ugh.... Wordgasm... I'm not a Taritino fan, at all (though I really like Reservoir Dogs), but this movie really is a masterpiece. Pitt delivers, of course, but you cannot, I repeat, you cannot top Christoph Waltz as Hans Landa. He really is the best villain since Chigurh in No Country, and he stands in the top three of the decade alongside Chigurh and The Joker (though I would argue he does top the late Mr. Ledger). Out of all the Oscar hopefuls this year, I feel most strongly about Christoph Waltz... give this man the fucking Oscar! Now!


Well, that's it. That's my list. Not really sure what else to say about that...

Bee (buzz) seeing you.

A Letter to the Man Who Invented Roller Shoes

Dear Man Who Invented Roller Shoes,

Are you out of your fucking mind? Was it your plan to become the most evil man since Hitler or were you just not thinking? Though I find it hard to believe that such an atrocity against the human race can be an accident, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Which is far more than fucking valueless scum like yourself deserves.

The only explanation I can think of that explains your mental retardation is that your mother and father must have been brother and sister, or possibly father and daughter ("My sister, my daughter, my sister, my daughter!"). And this unholy matrimony must have been that in a long line of incest dating back to when two twin monkeys (one female and one male, like Luke and Leia) stuck it in one another (the male being the one to stick it in the female ["it" being his little, hard monkey cock.]).

Nothing else can explain why anyone would look at a pair of children's shoes and say to himself, "I could stick a wheel in that." You sir, would disgust me less if you stuck it ("it" being your penis again) into woodland creatures, because that train of thought is far more logical than whatever was going through your head when you combined shoe and wheel (I mean, who hasn't felt a tingling in their pants at the sight of a Beaver slapping his dam together with that majestic tail of his?).

This guy totally has a hard on. Who can blame him?

Now, the Roller Blade and the Roller Skate make perfect sense. Without the roller skate, how would we preform the funky chicken without looking like assholes? And without the roller blade, how would we be able to tell the homosexuals from the general population? With these two roller devices filling every roller hole, why the fuck would you create the roller shoe?

With the roller blades cropped from this picture
you cannot tell which of these two men is gay.

The roller shoe has only served one purpose: it makes children more annoying than they already are. Before the roller shoe, children were the second most annoying thing in the world. Now, children have passed Fox News correspondents as the greatest annoyance facing mankind today. I would literally rather suck Glenn Beck's cock than witness one more child run down a stretch of hall, leaning back, letting his wheels take him in a maddening yet graceful spiral until he skids to a soul-crushing halt. Seriously, a child with roller shoes is like a Transformer combined with Spongebob Squarepants, if this crime-against-nature-Trans-Sponge-Bob was high on cocaine.

Seriously, Man Who Invented Roller Shoes, if I kill a child it is for one of two reasons. Either I was picking a song on my iPod while driving down a suburban neighborhood, or, more likely, I murdered a little bastard who broke into a roll while I was waiting in line at the movie theater. If this happens, the blood is on your hands. The former is my own fault, as I have filled my iPod with so much stolen garbage (meaning shitty music, not the band who sang "The World Is Not Enough") that the "Shuffle Songs" action is almost as unthinkable as the roller shoe.

How can you sleep at night? Knowing all the childcides and suicides your roller shoe is responsible for. I was not exaggerating when I referred to you as the most evil man since Hitler, earlier in this letter. In fact, I take that back. You, sir, are worse than Hitler. Worse than Hitler!

I would suggest you kill yourself, but that is not enough. Take that "genius" mind of yours and spend the rest of your life toiling to invent a time machine. Take that time machine back to your childhood, find your childhood self, attach a pair of roller shoes to your little child feet, attach rockets to your little child arms, and launch your little child self off a cliff with the aid of the roller shoes and rocket arms. Then, go back in time again and do the same to your little, tiny infant self for good measure.

If you do not do it, I will. And you don't want that, because I am dangerously close to cracking the time machine as it is.My time machine is close to completion.

Anyway, I hope this letter finds you well. And yes, I am still interested in purchasing your story to develop into a screenplay as earlier discussed.

Be Seeing You,
Nick Doll

P.S. I would love a pair of roller shoes since I bet you get them for free and what-not. Think about it.

Tomorrow's Christmas? For really reals?

My biological holiday clock is thrown off (that's right, I have a biological holiday clock. Jealous much?).

Tomorrow is Christmas, yet it doesn't feel like tomorrow is Christmas to me. Not one bit.

For me, the season leading up to Christmas has a certain progression. It all begins with Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving kicks off the Christmas season, with a feast held with my family, the day before Thanksgiving. Then, my sister and mother leave for a soccer tournament, so my dad and I feed off leftovers for the rest of the holiday weekend. There is much hanging out with Colorado friends and rejoicing. The Spike TV Bond marathon flashes across my screen as leftover turkey fills my gut. That is how the season starts.

The true face of Christmas. Forget Santa.

Because I was not allowed a trip home due to glorious retail work (trust me, I do prefer having a job to the alternative), for the first time in my insignificant life, there was no start to the season. Compounding this, Spike TV did not air a James Bond marathon. Bastards! It was instead aired on SyFy, but it's not the same! Spike always did it all weekend, SyFy (God, this is a horrible name for a network) did not. If not going home didn't fuck up my biological holiday clock, then the lack of a true James Bond marathon sure as hell did the job.

Roger Moore on SyFy is not the same...

So, without a kick off, the Holiday season never started for me. Growing up, the season always meant just that, actual seasons. Though Colorado does not consistently produce snow in the winter as out-of-staters believe, winter does mean coldness and that wintery smell to the air. Living in California these past four winters, this aspect of the holiday season has been lost. But at least, in past years I was there for winter at Thanksgiving, my body getting a feel for the season. Not the case this year, as I have not been to the ole' CO since August. As far as my body knows, Winter still hasn't started. Its still sunny and mild every day. Southern California really is (seasonless) hell on Earth.

So, no kick off, no Bond marathon, and no seasons. Compound that further with no Christmas commercials (thank God!). For the first time in my life I have DVR, so goodbye commercials. But, as hated as they are, they are a crucial part of my holiday season.

The third wise man.

The final build up to Christmas involves a week or so off. This year, Christmas week is among the busiest of the year (KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! Er... I mean...REEEEETAAAAAIL!). I even worked today, Christmas Eve. And there's still no sign of a Christmas Bond marathon (Spike TV's Thanksgiving Bond marathan was only matched by their 007 Days of Christmas).

So, how can tomorrow be Christmas? My body hasn't encountered any of the signs. I tried force feeding it Bond Blurays, but it just isn't working!

So, I'm not going to wish you Merry Christmas, because I don't want you to have a Merry Christmas! If I can't have my Christmas, why should you! Bahumbug!Be seeing you.

AVATARD

This is my blog about the masterpiece that is James Cameron's AVATAR. Why I loved it oh, so very much!

This is my third time attempting to write this blog. From scratch. It keeps getting boring as shit. Even by my standards. Let's try this again. (Hmmm, maybe this is fitting. AVATAR bored the shit out of me and maybe the only way I can express this pain is to bore the shit our of you...)

First off, I will warn you when Spoilers arise, if you have not seen the movie. Let's do it like this...

When you see this picture of a happy Smurf stop reading!

Until you see the picture of a Bored As Shit Smurf which means it is safe to read again!
Get it?

Let's practice.

What I really hated about AVATAR was...

...AVATAR spoiler. Spoil, spoil, spoil, spoil, spoily, spoil...
... Which is why AVATAR was a shitty movie.

Get it? If you haven't seen AVATAR and don't want it spoiled, than don't read between the happy and the bored Smurf. Because, between the happy and the bored smurf are the Avatar plot points. Get it?

Okay. Here we go, then.

AVATAR is perhaps the most overrated movie ever. People seem to love it, and I just don't get that. I mean, I understand how opinion works. But, what I don't understand is how the general opinion of AVATAR is so positive. I mean, just looking at the reviews and the Schmo response on joblo.com, the overall response to the film seems to be positive. But how can so many people like it?

I'm usually pretty in tune with general opinion (which I mainly gauge off the Joblo Schmo crowd). Even if I don't agree, I can understand how it can be so. I get why two of my loves, SPIDER-MAN 3 and INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL are most often received with scorn. It's easy to see why STAR TREK was loved by critics and Schmos alike, but TRANSFORMERS 2 was mainly trashed by both. I am in tune with my fellow Schmoes.

But I can't fathom how my Schmoes, who are normally above brainless action spectacle, are in love with AVATAR. Because that's all it is. Brainless. Action. Spectacle. Lots of CGI, very little narrative.

I feel it is best compared to STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (not 2009's TREK). That movie was a beauty in 1979. Wow-e, children, look at those flashy special effects. And, that movie WAS mainly special effects. Seriously, it was all glory shots of the Enterprise slowly floating through space to the Star Trek theme. A two hour movie with twenty minutes of plot. It had less plot than an hour episode of Star Trek!

So, today. STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE has aged horribly. Boring as shit. I bet the only reason people remember it at all is that it is part of a beloved franchise. Meanwhile, STAR WARS is still a favorite, because it didn't just have the flash, it had the substance to back up that flash. I'm talking enthralling story, complex characters, strong dialogue. STAR WARS was TREK with substance.

Today, we have AVATAR. All glory shots of the planet, Pandora, and no substance. The effects are great, but in thirty years, won't my children (should they even exist) be like, "What the fuck is this lint (slang for 'noise' in 2039)? All this movie is...er... is shots of these poorly animated blue aliens running through the jungle! This looks so fake!"

What I'm getting at, is though my peers seemed to have forgotten that special effects are only part a successful movie equation, my children will not when they see special effects that are thirty years out of date. And no, AVATAR's effects are not so perfect that they will still look great in 30 years. The aliens in AVATAR still look like what they are, a computer effect, not a real being. So they will look like an outdated computer effect as Cameron progresses technology farther into the future while continuing to forget about story.

So that's my overall issue with AVATAR. Here is a quick rundown of it's other short comings (in no particular order)...

1. Horrendous exposition. Early in AVATAR, one character explains to another character why they are on Pandora. Both characters know why they are there. So why must one character explain it so?

It's for the audience's benefit. 100%. Which is very shitty screenwriting, Mr. Cameron. If you have a character explaining something to a character who doesn't know the information, then that's okay. But the way it exists now never happens in real life. If you and I both know why we are on Pandora, then why would I explain it to you again? There's no one watching us that needs this information... unless we are in a shittily written movie...


A load of exposition is also given when Sully records his video logs. This is one way to do it, but it's a fucking lazy way. As a wanna-be writer, I have no respect for someone who pretty much allows his character to talk to the audience, telling them everything rather than showing them in a creative way. Cameron is apparently not as creative as his visual effects would suggest...

2. It's too fucking long! Okay, movies that are close to 3 hours can be epic (see THE DARK KNIGHT). But they can also be boring (see TRANSFORMERS 2, FUNNY PEOPLE, 2012). Why can't directors make shorter movies? STAR TREK was the best blockbuster of the year, and it was only two hours. Keep your movie close to 2 hours, unless you really have some substance fill those extra minutes with.

In AVATAR, I literally checked my cell phone at the 2 hour mark, expecting to be close to the end, plot wise. When I saw I had a full hour left to sit through, I almost walked out (and would have if I didn't have to wait another hour for my next film). I mean, nothing pisses me off like an hour long third act. Nothing bores me quite like one either...

3. So, as it turns out, there was no tension in AVATAR until the very end. Cameron, slyly, did not tell you the avatar rules. Is this like the MATRIX? Do people die if their avatar dies? Without explanation, we saw characters, like our protagonist Sully, run from threats and fight for their lives. Then, in the third act, when that gawky guy from DODGEBALL's avatar got shot... he was fine. So... Sully's life was never really in danger the entire movie (until that crazy general threatened his actual body in the third act). All these close calls would not have meant death at all, even had his Avatar gotten killed... Where's the fucking tension? Without tension, why do I give a flying fuck? (Answer, I don't. Hence the boredom).

4. The CGI is not a game changer, after all. AVATAR was supposed to change movies forever. The special effects where supposed to be unlike anything we've ever seen before. I've seen AVATAR and I can safely say, I don't get it.

Are the effects really any better than STAR TREK or TRANSFORMERS 2? The 3-D is something they didn't have, but it's hardly a game changer. UP was just as cool in 3-D. So, really, why are you people blown away by AVATAR (I'm not asking you, necessarily)? Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with the special effects, but there is nothing revolutionary about them either. STAR TREK was just as pretty. But IT had substance...

That being said, the 3-D is cool. I would like to see an entertaining action movie in 3-D next time. May I nominate BOND 23 or STAR TREK 2 for 3-D?

Anyway, that's my beef with AVATAR. I mean, the dialogue sucked on the whole and the story was uneventful, but that's all that needs to be said about that. Don't need a number for it or nothing.

Real quick, other really small, more knit-picky, opinion kind of stuff...

Why use crazy CGI to create humanoid aliens? Why not blow us away with something we have literally never seen before. You could have literally painted actor's blue and gotten the same effect as all that expensive CGI, but they would have looked real! Not like CGI...

If you're going to spend 500 mil on a movie, shouldn't it be more original? I've seen AVATAR before, Mr. Cameron, it's called FERN GULLY (I also hear DANCES WITH WOLVES is very similar). I know very few movies are completely original, but you can get more original than this...


What does the expensive rock they're after do? You over explain everything else, why not attempt to explain that?

Anyway, enough bitchin' for one night. I didn't like AVATAR. Whah! My daddy's in prison! Boo-frickity-hoo. But I had to write something. I have promises to keep.

And miles to go before I sleep.

And miles to go before I sleep.

But, seriously, my prediction is that in thirty years, you don't remember AVATAR either.

Be seeing you.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid = Crack Cocaine

I wanna make good on my promise (the one where I promise to blog early and often [is that a saying? I think it may be a saying). So, I'm about to overcompensate by blogging twice in one day (my unit for measuring the day is one "awake cycle." So even if this blog is posted after midnight, it is still the same day for me because I have yet to fall asleep, breaking the "awake cycle." Of course, according to my unit of measurement, a nap can create two days in a 24 hour period. But, hey, it's my system and I'm sticking to it). So, before I drift off to sleep after my nightly routine of a STAR TREK night cap I'll squeeze one off (a blog! You are so gross).

The beauty of my previous blog, is that I set the bar so fucking low. I both promised mediocrity and I delivered mediocrity in one foul swoop. So now I can literally blog about anything I want.

I can blog about my recent obsession with STAR TREK: The Original Series. I can blog about working as a cashier, serving the head of production at Universal Pictures twenty minutes after we closed last night because she was so entitled (oh yeah, I went there. Nothing is off limits on my blog, bitches!). I can blog about all the reasons AVATAR is a train wreck. I can blog about how I feel the EXTRAORDINARY MEASURES's poster is an incredible waste of Harrison Ford (I mean, you have Ford and Brendan Fraiser on the same poster and they'e... gasp... walking down a hallway with resolve? Resolve, I tell you! That's Indiana Jones and Indy Jones light [a la the MUMMY franchise] on the same poster and they're walking down a hallway! Come on!). I can blog about how my definition of a distance has completely transformed sense moving from Colorado to LA. And, in fact, these all may be blogs in the future. Surprise!

With Resolve!

But, not tonight. Tonight, I blog about an odd (yet mediocre) experience I... er... experienced tonight (it feels like I've typed mediocre a thousand times and I have yet to spell it right without spell check [expect I did just spell it right that time. Fuck]).

So tonight, it took a full hour to close at B&N (Barnes and Noble, which is where I work, silly) because we were so busy the store got trashed by customers, and all those books don't organize themselves (my fellow employees do it as I pretend to help... I kid, I kid... maybe).

So, at 11pm, a full hour after we closed, one of the managers was letting the last of us employees out of the building. There was this crack head of a mother (seriously, she seemed crazy before she said anything) standing right outside the door. She knew we were closed. But she was standing there.

The manager was like, "We're closed, bitch" (okay, I may be embellishing the story just a bit to keep myself interested long enough to finish this blog so I make good on my promise and never have to blog again).

But she was like, "I just need Diary of a Wimpy Kid!"

For those of you who don't know, Diary of a Wimpy Kid is a fairly popular book series for kids. At B&N, we have two tables devoted to the fucking series, an honor reserved for the likes Twilight. So it's a big fucking deal. What's it about? Hell if I know. I only work at B&N, I don't know shit about books. Well, this blog is becoming "Diary of a Wimpy Twenty Something", so if I had to guess, the book is a lot like this blog. A lot of cussing, whining, obsessing over movies, pretending to be clever, and suicide and dick jokes. Kids love that shit. There's a movie being made right now (which reminds me of a [not so] quick tangent of a story. I read and often post my opinion to a movie site called joblo.com [which I was a finalist for getting a job at this summer, but that's another story/blog for anther time/blog posting]. In the announcement where the actor who was going to play the Wimpy Kid was announced, the writer made some comment about how it was a horrible miscasting as a joke. Immediately, some jerkoff schmo [poster's are called schmos on the site] defends the kid, saying how great an actor he is and insisting his credits should not be held against him. This freaks me and some other schmo's out, cause why does this guy care so much unless he is the actor, or the kid's mom? Anyway, that can all be viewed here if interested. I remembered the story with great fondness, but going back and reading it again I was kind of let down to tell you the truth...).

Jesus Christ that was a tangent. Sorry.

Anyway, Wimpy Kid = popular shit.

So, this woman was there, an hour after closing, and was like "Just sell me one copy of Diary of a Wimpy Kid."

And the manager, Carlos, was like "Bitch, please. We're closed, bitch. Go home!"

"Just one copy, please. Just get me one."

"We're closed. All the registers are empty. There's nothing I can do for a whore like you."

"Please, I gots to have Wimpy Kid, I gots too. Just get me my fix."

"There's nothing I can do."

"Please! There must be a reason I must have this book at this moment. I know Christmas is still two full days away (though maybe I don't because I am stupid enough to think the store will open an hour after it has closed, just for me) but I must have the book now. My son will most likely beat me or something if I don't get it now. Or, maybe Wimpy Kid is printed on Crack Cocaine, because otherwise, why the fuck would I need it now? It could be that I am just too fucking lazy to return to the store tomorrow, or, go to any store closer to me, because this is such a popular title, even Target should have it."

And in writing this, I stumbled onto the reason why I wrote this blog. It wasn't just because I found it fascinating (not so much so that I uttered "Fascinating" aloud like Spock [I told you I'm obsessed with TREK]) that she would need to have this book tonight when it's not even Christmas Eve. It wasn't that she honestly looked like a crack head and acted like she was after her next fix.

The message of this blog is "how can people be so fucking entitled?" (And no, I'm not sure if I'm using that word correctly). Just like the Head of Universal who had me serving her needs twenty minutes after we were closed (I get it. I work in customer service. But there's a big difference between getting served by a retail employee and insisting on thirty minutes worth of special service because you feel like you're important). Just like two people I witnessed this last week who leisurely crossed the street at a walking pace, not at a cross walk, causing the cars to slow down FOR THEM (And I wasn't even driving. I was walking too. Yet I was still pissed off how selfish these people where that they though traffic had to slow down for them). How can people be so fucking inconsiderate? How can they feel like they are more important than the people they are inconveniencing?

People like this disgust me. Sure, I jay walk all the time, but I run across the street if cars are coming, to get the fuck out of their way. I don't walk slowly across the street, disrupting others' days because I'm too lazy to pick up the pace. Sure, I buy shit in a retail setting all the time, and I may ask help in finding an item (it doesn't bother me at all when people do this, in fact, I enjoy helping people find books), but I don't insist on special services and take up thirty minutes of a person's time after the store has closed like the head of Universal. And I'm pretty sure I've never asked a store to open again for me after they've closed. Which means I've never gotten pissed off when they didn't open just for me (that was probably the best part. After we would not open for this woman, she acted like we were the one's out of line).

So, fuck self-entitled bitches (I am using bitches to apply to males and females). No one pisses me off quite like them. Which is the main reason I can't stand to be an intern or even work as an assistant in the land of self-entitled bitches, Hollywood (but that's another blog for another time).

There. I blogged. Twice in one awake cycle. Promise delivered upon (there will hopefully be more to follow, hopefully one tomorrow even). It may be mediocre shit, it may just be me whining, but, hey, that was part of the promise as well.

Be seeing you.

Just Bloggin'

This is me promising to write my Blog on a semi-regular basis. (And these next few months of silence are me breaking that promise).What will I write it about? I honestly don't know. Whatever the fuck I want to write it about, I guess.

Mediocre, boring shit. The shit I'm passionate about. The shit you couldn't give a flying fuck about. Movie shit mostly. Insightful shit from time to time. Day to day, absolutely boring shit, more often than not.
Will it be entertaining? Will it amuse you? Maybe. Sometimes. I'll try to make it amusing. Throw in some dick jokes, a gay joke or two, maybe a suicide joke, or an obscure movie reference.

And I'll try to be honest. Painfully honest. Kevin Smith honest. I may not give out my masturbation schedule (it's been a few days), but I'd like to be honest to a point of making this interesting. You know, give you fine folks (all 3 of you) an insight into my inner workings (or lack there of). Maybe treat this like an online diary (dairy?) from time to time.
Sound like a plan?

But, really, what's the fucking point?

I'm glad you asked, me. I just need to be writing. Keeping a fairly regular blog is good practice. Gives me a chance to keep my writing muscles in shape (not just my fingers, dickhead. My head... dickhead. [By which I mean my brain, moron]).

And all blogs are pointless anyway. So, really, what I'm doing is not anymore pointless than what other folks out on these fine interwebs are doing. So I take Solace in that. A Quantum of Solace (ladies and gentlemen, that is an example of a movie reference.). After all, The World is Not Enough. And Tomorrow Never Dies, so I'll live to Die Another Day. Goldeneye.So, yeah, this is me promising to write the blog. So this is my blog about bloggin'. About as mediocre as what's to come, I assure you. But at least is will be mediocrity in regular intervals (hopefully).

Anyway, that is all for now. I'm off to the Casino Royale. Gonna give someone the Goldfinger. It's for their eyes only (Fuck, I'm lame. But at least I amuse myself. Because, really, that's all that matters in the grand scheme of things).

Until next time, dear readers.

Be seeing you.

-- Dr. No