Tomorrow's Christmas? For really reals?

My biological holiday clock is thrown off (that's right, I have a biological holiday clock. Jealous much?).

Tomorrow is Christmas, yet it doesn't feel like tomorrow is Christmas to me. Not one bit.

For me, the season leading up to Christmas has a certain progression. It all begins with Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving kicks off the Christmas season, with a feast held with my family, the day before Thanksgiving. Then, my sister and mother leave for a soccer tournament, so my dad and I feed off leftovers for the rest of the holiday weekend. There is much hanging out with Colorado friends and rejoicing. The Spike TV Bond marathon flashes across my screen as leftover turkey fills my gut. That is how the season starts.

The true face of Christmas. Forget Santa.

Because I was not allowed a trip home due to glorious retail work (trust me, I do prefer having a job to the alternative), for the first time in my insignificant life, there was no start to the season. Compounding this, Spike TV did not air a James Bond marathon. Bastards! It was instead aired on SyFy, but it's not the same! Spike always did it all weekend, SyFy (God, this is a horrible name for a network) did not. If not going home didn't fuck up my biological holiday clock, then the lack of a true James Bond marathon sure as hell did the job.

Roger Moore on SyFy is not the same...

So, without a kick off, the Holiday season never started for me. Growing up, the season always meant just that, actual seasons. Though Colorado does not consistently produce snow in the winter as out-of-staters believe, winter does mean coldness and that wintery smell to the air. Living in California these past four winters, this aspect of the holiday season has been lost. But at least, in past years I was there for winter at Thanksgiving, my body getting a feel for the season. Not the case this year, as I have not been to the ole' CO since August. As far as my body knows, Winter still hasn't started. Its still sunny and mild every day. Southern California really is (seasonless) hell on Earth.

So, no kick off, no Bond marathon, and no seasons. Compound that further with no Christmas commercials (thank God!). For the first time in my life I have DVR, so goodbye commercials. But, as hated as they are, they are a crucial part of my holiday season.

The third wise man.

The final build up to Christmas involves a week or so off. This year, Christmas week is among the busiest of the year (KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! Er... I mean...REEEEETAAAAAIL!). I even worked today, Christmas Eve. And there's still no sign of a Christmas Bond marathon (Spike TV's Thanksgiving Bond marathan was only matched by their 007 Days of Christmas).

So, how can tomorrow be Christmas? My body hasn't encountered any of the signs. I tried force feeding it Bond Blurays, but it just isn't working!

So, I'm not going to wish you Merry Christmas, because I don't want you to have a Merry Christmas! If I can't have my Christmas, why should you! Bahumbug!Be seeing you.

AVATARD

This is my blog about the masterpiece that is James Cameron's AVATAR. Why I loved it oh, so very much!

This is my third time attempting to write this blog. From scratch. It keeps getting boring as shit. Even by my standards. Let's try this again. (Hmmm, maybe this is fitting. AVATAR bored the shit out of me and maybe the only way I can express this pain is to bore the shit our of you...)

First off, I will warn you when Spoilers arise, if you have not seen the movie. Let's do it like this...

When you see this picture of a happy Smurf stop reading!

Until you see the picture of a Bored As Shit Smurf which means it is safe to read again!
Get it?

Let's practice.

What I really hated about AVATAR was...

...AVATAR spoiler. Spoil, spoil, spoil, spoil, spoily, spoil...
... Which is why AVATAR was a shitty movie.

Get it? If you haven't seen AVATAR and don't want it spoiled, than don't read between the happy and the bored Smurf. Because, between the happy and the bored smurf are the Avatar plot points. Get it?

Okay. Here we go, then.

AVATAR is perhaps the most overrated movie ever. People seem to love it, and I just don't get that. I mean, I understand how opinion works. But, what I don't understand is how the general opinion of AVATAR is so positive. I mean, just looking at the reviews and the Schmo response on joblo.com, the overall response to the film seems to be positive. But how can so many people like it?

I'm usually pretty in tune with general opinion (which I mainly gauge off the Joblo Schmo crowd). Even if I don't agree, I can understand how it can be so. I get why two of my loves, SPIDER-MAN 3 and INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL are most often received with scorn. It's easy to see why STAR TREK was loved by critics and Schmos alike, but TRANSFORMERS 2 was mainly trashed by both. I am in tune with my fellow Schmoes.

But I can't fathom how my Schmoes, who are normally above brainless action spectacle, are in love with AVATAR. Because that's all it is. Brainless. Action. Spectacle. Lots of CGI, very little narrative.

I feel it is best compared to STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (not 2009's TREK). That movie was a beauty in 1979. Wow-e, children, look at those flashy special effects. And, that movie WAS mainly special effects. Seriously, it was all glory shots of the Enterprise slowly floating through space to the Star Trek theme. A two hour movie with twenty minutes of plot. It had less plot than an hour episode of Star Trek!

So, today. STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE has aged horribly. Boring as shit. I bet the only reason people remember it at all is that it is part of a beloved franchise. Meanwhile, STAR WARS is still a favorite, because it didn't just have the flash, it had the substance to back up that flash. I'm talking enthralling story, complex characters, strong dialogue. STAR WARS was TREK with substance.

Today, we have AVATAR. All glory shots of the planet, Pandora, and no substance. The effects are great, but in thirty years, won't my children (should they even exist) be like, "What the fuck is this lint (slang for 'noise' in 2039)? All this movie is...er... is shots of these poorly animated blue aliens running through the jungle! This looks so fake!"

What I'm getting at, is though my peers seemed to have forgotten that special effects are only part a successful movie equation, my children will not when they see special effects that are thirty years out of date. And no, AVATAR's effects are not so perfect that they will still look great in 30 years. The aliens in AVATAR still look like what they are, a computer effect, not a real being. So they will look like an outdated computer effect as Cameron progresses technology farther into the future while continuing to forget about story.

So that's my overall issue with AVATAR. Here is a quick rundown of it's other short comings (in no particular order)...

1. Horrendous exposition. Early in AVATAR, one character explains to another character why they are on Pandora. Both characters know why they are there. So why must one character explain it so?

It's for the audience's benefit. 100%. Which is very shitty screenwriting, Mr. Cameron. If you have a character explaining something to a character who doesn't know the information, then that's okay. But the way it exists now never happens in real life. If you and I both know why we are on Pandora, then why would I explain it to you again? There's no one watching us that needs this information... unless we are in a shittily written movie...


A load of exposition is also given when Sully records his video logs. This is one way to do it, but it's a fucking lazy way. As a wanna-be writer, I have no respect for someone who pretty much allows his character to talk to the audience, telling them everything rather than showing them in a creative way. Cameron is apparently not as creative as his visual effects would suggest...

2. It's too fucking long! Okay, movies that are close to 3 hours can be epic (see THE DARK KNIGHT). But they can also be boring (see TRANSFORMERS 2, FUNNY PEOPLE, 2012). Why can't directors make shorter movies? STAR TREK was the best blockbuster of the year, and it was only two hours. Keep your movie close to 2 hours, unless you really have some substance fill those extra minutes with.

In AVATAR, I literally checked my cell phone at the 2 hour mark, expecting to be close to the end, plot wise. When I saw I had a full hour left to sit through, I almost walked out (and would have if I didn't have to wait another hour for my next film). I mean, nothing pisses me off like an hour long third act. Nothing bores me quite like one either...

3. So, as it turns out, there was no tension in AVATAR until the very end. Cameron, slyly, did not tell you the avatar rules. Is this like the MATRIX? Do people die if their avatar dies? Without explanation, we saw characters, like our protagonist Sully, run from threats and fight for their lives. Then, in the third act, when that gawky guy from DODGEBALL's avatar got shot... he was fine. So... Sully's life was never really in danger the entire movie (until that crazy general threatened his actual body in the third act). All these close calls would not have meant death at all, even had his Avatar gotten killed... Where's the fucking tension? Without tension, why do I give a flying fuck? (Answer, I don't. Hence the boredom).

4. The CGI is not a game changer, after all. AVATAR was supposed to change movies forever. The special effects where supposed to be unlike anything we've ever seen before. I've seen AVATAR and I can safely say, I don't get it.

Are the effects really any better than STAR TREK or TRANSFORMERS 2? The 3-D is something they didn't have, but it's hardly a game changer. UP was just as cool in 3-D. So, really, why are you people blown away by AVATAR (I'm not asking you, necessarily)? Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with the special effects, but there is nothing revolutionary about them either. STAR TREK was just as pretty. But IT had substance...

That being said, the 3-D is cool. I would like to see an entertaining action movie in 3-D next time. May I nominate BOND 23 or STAR TREK 2 for 3-D?

Anyway, that's my beef with AVATAR. I mean, the dialogue sucked on the whole and the story was uneventful, but that's all that needs to be said about that. Don't need a number for it or nothing.

Real quick, other really small, more knit-picky, opinion kind of stuff...

Why use crazy CGI to create humanoid aliens? Why not blow us away with something we have literally never seen before. You could have literally painted actor's blue and gotten the same effect as all that expensive CGI, but they would have looked real! Not like CGI...

If you're going to spend 500 mil on a movie, shouldn't it be more original? I've seen AVATAR before, Mr. Cameron, it's called FERN GULLY (I also hear DANCES WITH WOLVES is very similar). I know very few movies are completely original, but you can get more original than this...


What does the expensive rock they're after do? You over explain everything else, why not attempt to explain that?

Anyway, enough bitchin' for one night. I didn't like AVATAR. Whah! My daddy's in prison! Boo-frickity-hoo. But I had to write something. I have promises to keep.

And miles to go before I sleep.

And miles to go before I sleep.

But, seriously, my prediction is that in thirty years, you don't remember AVATAR either.

Be seeing you.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid = Crack Cocaine

I wanna make good on my promise (the one where I promise to blog early and often [is that a saying? I think it may be a saying). So, I'm about to overcompensate by blogging twice in one day (my unit for measuring the day is one "awake cycle." So even if this blog is posted after midnight, it is still the same day for me because I have yet to fall asleep, breaking the "awake cycle." Of course, according to my unit of measurement, a nap can create two days in a 24 hour period. But, hey, it's my system and I'm sticking to it). So, before I drift off to sleep after my nightly routine of a STAR TREK night cap I'll squeeze one off (a blog! You are so gross).

The beauty of my previous blog, is that I set the bar so fucking low. I both promised mediocrity and I delivered mediocrity in one foul swoop. So now I can literally blog about anything I want.

I can blog about my recent obsession with STAR TREK: The Original Series. I can blog about working as a cashier, serving the head of production at Universal Pictures twenty minutes after we closed last night because she was so entitled (oh yeah, I went there. Nothing is off limits on my blog, bitches!). I can blog about all the reasons AVATAR is a train wreck. I can blog about how I feel the EXTRAORDINARY MEASURES's poster is an incredible waste of Harrison Ford (I mean, you have Ford and Brendan Fraiser on the same poster and they'e... gasp... walking down a hallway with resolve? Resolve, I tell you! That's Indiana Jones and Indy Jones light [a la the MUMMY franchise] on the same poster and they're walking down a hallway! Come on!). I can blog about how my definition of a distance has completely transformed sense moving from Colorado to LA. And, in fact, these all may be blogs in the future. Surprise!

With Resolve!

But, not tonight. Tonight, I blog about an odd (yet mediocre) experience I... er... experienced tonight (it feels like I've typed mediocre a thousand times and I have yet to spell it right without spell check [expect I did just spell it right that time. Fuck]).

So tonight, it took a full hour to close at B&N (Barnes and Noble, which is where I work, silly) because we were so busy the store got trashed by customers, and all those books don't organize themselves (my fellow employees do it as I pretend to help... I kid, I kid... maybe).

So, at 11pm, a full hour after we closed, one of the managers was letting the last of us employees out of the building. There was this crack head of a mother (seriously, she seemed crazy before she said anything) standing right outside the door. She knew we were closed. But she was standing there.

The manager was like, "We're closed, bitch" (okay, I may be embellishing the story just a bit to keep myself interested long enough to finish this blog so I make good on my promise and never have to blog again).

But she was like, "I just need Diary of a Wimpy Kid!"

For those of you who don't know, Diary of a Wimpy Kid is a fairly popular book series for kids. At B&N, we have two tables devoted to the fucking series, an honor reserved for the likes Twilight. So it's a big fucking deal. What's it about? Hell if I know. I only work at B&N, I don't know shit about books. Well, this blog is becoming "Diary of a Wimpy Twenty Something", so if I had to guess, the book is a lot like this blog. A lot of cussing, whining, obsessing over movies, pretending to be clever, and suicide and dick jokes. Kids love that shit. There's a movie being made right now (which reminds me of a [not so] quick tangent of a story. I read and often post my opinion to a movie site called joblo.com [which I was a finalist for getting a job at this summer, but that's another story/blog for anther time/blog posting]. In the announcement where the actor who was going to play the Wimpy Kid was announced, the writer made some comment about how it was a horrible miscasting as a joke. Immediately, some jerkoff schmo [poster's are called schmos on the site] defends the kid, saying how great an actor he is and insisting his credits should not be held against him. This freaks me and some other schmo's out, cause why does this guy care so much unless he is the actor, or the kid's mom? Anyway, that can all be viewed here if interested. I remembered the story with great fondness, but going back and reading it again I was kind of let down to tell you the truth...).

Jesus Christ that was a tangent. Sorry.

Anyway, Wimpy Kid = popular shit.

So, this woman was there, an hour after closing, and was like "Just sell me one copy of Diary of a Wimpy Kid."

And the manager, Carlos, was like "Bitch, please. We're closed, bitch. Go home!"

"Just one copy, please. Just get me one."

"We're closed. All the registers are empty. There's nothing I can do for a whore like you."

"Please, I gots to have Wimpy Kid, I gots too. Just get me my fix."

"There's nothing I can do."

"Please! There must be a reason I must have this book at this moment. I know Christmas is still two full days away (though maybe I don't because I am stupid enough to think the store will open an hour after it has closed, just for me) but I must have the book now. My son will most likely beat me or something if I don't get it now. Or, maybe Wimpy Kid is printed on Crack Cocaine, because otherwise, why the fuck would I need it now? It could be that I am just too fucking lazy to return to the store tomorrow, or, go to any store closer to me, because this is such a popular title, even Target should have it."

And in writing this, I stumbled onto the reason why I wrote this blog. It wasn't just because I found it fascinating (not so much so that I uttered "Fascinating" aloud like Spock [I told you I'm obsessed with TREK]) that she would need to have this book tonight when it's not even Christmas Eve. It wasn't that she honestly looked like a crack head and acted like she was after her next fix.

The message of this blog is "how can people be so fucking entitled?" (And no, I'm not sure if I'm using that word correctly). Just like the Head of Universal who had me serving her needs twenty minutes after we were closed (I get it. I work in customer service. But there's a big difference between getting served by a retail employee and insisting on thirty minutes worth of special service because you feel like you're important). Just like two people I witnessed this last week who leisurely crossed the street at a walking pace, not at a cross walk, causing the cars to slow down FOR THEM (And I wasn't even driving. I was walking too. Yet I was still pissed off how selfish these people where that they though traffic had to slow down for them). How can people be so fucking inconsiderate? How can they feel like they are more important than the people they are inconveniencing?

People like this disgust me. Sure, I jay walk all the time, but I run across the street if cars are coming, to get the fuck out of their way. I don't walk slowly across the street, disrupting others' days because I'm too lazy to pick up the pace. Sure, I buy shit in a retail setting all the time, and I may ask help in finding an item (it doesn't bother me at all when people do this, in fact, I enjoy helping people find books), but I don't insist on special services and take up thirty minutes of a person's time after the store has closed like the head of Universal. And I'm pretty sure I've never asked a store to open again for me after they've closed. Which means I've never gotten pissed off when they didn't open just for me (that was probably the best part. After we would not open for this woman, she acted like we were the one's out of line).

So, fuck self-entitled bitches (I am using bitches to apply to males and females). No one pisses me off quite like them. Which is the main reason I can't stand to be an intern or even work as an assistant in the land of self-entitled bitches, Hollywood (but that's another blog for another time).

There. I blogged. Twice in one awake cycle. Promise delivered upon (there will hopefully be more to follow, hopefully one tomorrow even). It may be mediocre shit, it may just be me whining, but, hey, that was part of the promise as well.

Be seeing you.

Just Bloggin'

This is me promising to write my Blog on a semi-regular basis. (And these next few months of silence are me breaking that promise).What will I write it about? I honestly don't know. Whatever the fuck I want to write it about, I guess.

Mediocre, boring shit. The shit I'm passionate about. The shit you couldn't give a flying fuck about. Movie shit mostly. Insightful shit from time to time. Day to day, absolutely boring shit, more often than not.
Will it be entertaining? Will it amuse you? Maybe. Sometimes. I'll try to make it amusing. Throw in some dick jokes, a gay joke or two, maybe a suicide joke, or an obscure movie reference.

And I'll try to be honest. Painfully honest. Kevin Smith honest. I may not give out my masturbation schedule (it's been a few days), but I'd like to be honest to a point of making this interesting. You know, give you fine folks (all 3 of you) an insight into my inner workings (or lack there of). Maybe treat this like an online diary (dairy?) from time to time.
Sound like a plan?

But, really, what's the fucking point?

I'm glad you asked, me. I just need to be writing. Keeping a fairly regular blog is good practice. Gives me a chance to keep my writing muscles in shape (not just my fingers, dickhead. My head... dickhead. [By which I mean my brain, moron]).

And all blogs are pointless anyway. So, really, what I'm doing is not anymore pointless than what other folks out on these fine interwebs are doing. So I take Solace in that. A Quantum of Solace (ladies and gentlemen, that is an example of a movie reference.). After all, The World is Not Enough. And Tomorrow Never Dies, so I'll live to Die Another Day. Goldeneye.So, yeah, this is me promising to write the blog. So this is my blog about bloggin'. About as mediocre as what's to come, I assure you. But at least is will be mediocrity in regular intervals (hopefully).

Anyway, that is all for now. I'm off to the Casino Royale. Gonna give someone the Goldfinger. It's for their eyes only (Fuck, I'm lame. But at least I amuse myself. Because, really, that's all that matters in the grand scheme of things).

Until next time, dear readers.

Be seeing you.

-- Dr. No

Nick's Fall 2009 TV Preview! Huzah!

This fall stands to be the most exciting in the history of Television!

Don't trust me?

Well...

Well...

Well, in all honesty I have no actual facts to back that statement up. All I have are my own opinions on what may "rock your metaphorical socks off" this fall. I'm personally planning on being "metaphorically barefoot" all fall. I hope my "metaphorical feet" don't get "cold"... if you know what I mean.

Wink, Wink.

Nudge, Nudge.

(I think I mean that I hope TV rocks as hard as I hope it will this fall, though, in all honesty, I kinda lost it there with that last metaphor and I'm not sure what I mean...)

What qualifies me to tell you what TV will be good this fall? Well, you tell me, sir or madam, because you're the one reading the blog.

First off, a note of clarification. Some shows on my list are considered "summer" shows and are not technically part of the fall line up. But honestly, what studio crack-head defines a show that starts in late August as a summer show? Most the run takes place in the fall! TV heads need to stop doing crack!

Without further-a-do-di-li-do, my countdown of 8, count 'em, 8 SHOWS NOT TO MISS THIS FALL, from mildly exciting to practically arousing in excitement levels...


8. 30 ROCK - Season 4 - TBA - The best show on Network TV (only good show left on the networks?). The whole cast is hilarious and the writing is sharp as a tack (don't step on it with your metaphorical bare feet [not that metaphorical socks would be of any help...]). My only reservation is that last season was real hit or miss. Some episodes were great! :) <-- Smiley face! But others were lacking. :( <-- Frowny face! I never even finished the season, though I will when it hits DVD.


7. CALIFORNICATION - Season 3 - September 27th - Really loved the first season. David Duchovny is the shit and the first season had a really well crafted, complete arc with beginning, middle, and end. It was practically a self contained series in itself. I still have yet to watch Season 2, but assuming it's half as good as Season 1, I will be watching Season 3! So, let's pretend I've seen Season 2 and it was half as good as Season 1 when I say this, "Watch Season 3!" (Whew! All those numbers were beginning to get confusing. I'm a doctor! Not a mathematician!)


6. PSYCH - Season 4 - On Now! - PSYCH is just good, clean, fun. Easily the most appropriate show I watch, PSYCH amuses with fantastic characters (prime example of USA's "Characters wanted" creed) and great 80s references. Its a fun twist on an incredibly tired genre (like we really need more straight forward crime shows). It's the show so nice they made it twice (MENTALIST is a blatant rip off of PSYCH).

5. SOUTH PARK - Season 13 (part 2) - October - I'm as surprised as you are that this gem doesn't rank even higher on my list. It barely made the top 5!

-- Interesting note, it was last on my list (as in, show I was least excited for) but in writing about it I looked at the previous episodes from the last half of season 13. Turns out, it's actually one of the strongest half seasons ever, with classic eps I loved including "THE RING" with Mickey Mouse flipping his lid, "THE COON", "MAGARITAVILLE" which explained the economy to me, "EAT, PRAY, QUEEF", "FISHSTICKS" where Kayne West wasn't no Gay Fish, "PINEWOOD DERBY", and "FATBEARD" which ended the run the same way Obama ended those pirates. Do yourself a favor and watch the whole season now using those links. With the economy the way it is, you have nothing better to do. --

So, originally I wrote a rant about how I wasn't that excited, but its been scraped. All I can say now is that the 2nd half of Season 13 holds as much promise for SOUTH PARK as ever. The only reason SP isn't number one on my list is that it has been on for 13 years, so the shows I've ranked about it simply feel fresher.


4. BORED TO DEATH - Season 1 - September 20th - Whaaa? A brand new show? What is this show?

Here's what it is...

A new HBO Comedy (can I even count it on this list? After all, it's not TV, it's HBO. Right?)! It stars two of my favorite actors, Jason Schwartzman and Zach Galifianakis (neither of whom have nearly enough projects), and Ted Dansen who has proven himself by playing... er... himself on CURB. BORED TO DEATH has a definite promise for extreme comedy. The premise is even awesome; a writer turns private detective after posting a Craig's List ad... well... advertising himself as such. Skrillin'!


3. MAD MEN - Season 3 - August 16th - Yes, MAD MEN is as good as critics claim. And yes, you are a fool for not watching it (I apologize if you are one of the two people who I know watches it. You're not a fool.). To the rest of you, no aplogogies. I don't normally watch dramas (the only one I've really watched is 24, but thats more action show than actual drama) because they're all the same stupid crime or medical show format, but MAD MEN is fantastic. Really, its the ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT of dramas, and if you know me, you know what a crazy statement that is for me to make.

And I ain't gay, but DON DRAPER aka Jon Hamm is quite possibly the best looking man on the planet. (Sorry Brad Pitt.) And He sure can sell Ham!


2. IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - Season 5 - September 17th - After their best season yet, the gang's back for new hijinks and betrayels. Season 4 surpassed all my expectations with a sequel to my favorite SUNNY episode ever ("MAC BANGS DENNIS' MOM") in "MAC BANGS THE WAITRESS" and a Dayman musical in "THE NIGHTMAN COMETH" (which I will be seeing live in LA in September!). Season 5 is already responsible for the funniest clip on TV this year so I expect nothing but greatness when SUNNY finally returns in a month.


1. CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM - Larry David is quite possibly the funniest writer/actor alive today. SEINFELD is amazing and the last 6 seasons of CURB are utterly (moo) sublime. It's kind of embarrassing as a writer to admit that the best thing on TV (where did I land with that? Is it TV or is it HBO? Can it be that HBO IS TV because HBO is on TV?) is adlibbed. This season has the possibility of being the best yet, as the entire cast of SEINFELD reunites to do a SEINFELD reunion (more than half of which is actually included in an episode!). We'll finally get to see what happened to Jerry, George, Elaine and the racist after (if?) they got out of prison. In this season's arc, Larry gets convinced to do something his "real life" (who is more real, "real life Larry" or "TV Larry?") counterpart would never do, write the reuinion ep. Extreme promise for comedy as it'll make for a melding of two of my top 5 shows ever, CURB and SEINFELD! This will be one not to miss!

Best moment of HBO (can't call it TV) ever!


Anyways, there's 8 reasons why you won't be seeing me this fall. So don't ask where I've been!

Roast Beef

Today I made roast beef sandwiches with Au Jus (Haha, Spell Check wants to make Jus into Jews. Stupid spell check. Jews are a race [right, there's more to being a Jew than just religion?] Au Jus is a delicious dipping sauce) sauce that I could then (follow my logic if you can) dip the roast beef sandwich into. It was delicious. And by combining the two (the roast beef sandwich and the Au Jus) the meal became a French Dip (no, I'm not going to call it a Freedom Dip! [We still doing that?] That sounds disgusting! Freedom Dip sounds like a sex act) just like combining those rings makes Captain Planet or combining those colorful Power Rangers cars into that big, rainbow colored dinosaur (You're not born gay. Your parents let you watch Power Rangers when you were a kid. Thank you, mom and dad. Though I was unhappy then, I'm straight now [not that there's anything wrong with that {that meaning being gay}]).

But I quickly found that the amount of Au Jus was not proportional to the roast beef sandwich. I ate the whole sandwich and still had a full bowl of Au Jus. What a delicious pickle to be in (But not as delicious as this pickle [but not to be in, delicious to eat]...
And not as racist as this pickle...
Seriously, Google Image Search, what the fuck, man?)

Anyhoo....

Luckily, I had bought enough roast beef, provolone cheese (the only cheese for a french dip), and rolls for 4, count 'em, 4 french dips! So I put the bowl of Au Jus into the frig so I could dip my next sandwich into it. (Still with me?)

There were flakes of bread floating in the Au Jus when I put it in the fridge. Yet, I thought nothing of it when I pulled the Au Jus out of the fridge and nothing appeared to be floating in it. This was at 4pm (I couldn't wait for actual dinner time to eat dinner, I was too hungry!). After finishing the second sandwich, there was still plenty of Au Jus, so again, I refrigerated it, new flakes of bread and all.

I went about my business, tried out 24 Fitness, came home, and was hungry again. So, I made another sandwich (yes, I know I'm a fat ass! But I'm gonna use the Incredible Weight Loss Car... as soon as it is a reality.).

Pulling the Au Jus out of the fridge, again there were no flakes of bread floating in it.

So I went about eating the third sandwich.

But then I began to think about it.

Where could those flakes of wet bread be going?

I have a sinking feeling that they may be at the bottom of the bowl.

*Symbols* TA-DA-DA!*

Beware Monday the 13th!

This morning I hit the snooze button.

Now there's a fucking pointless invention.

"I'm really fucking tired right now, but if I had, oh, I don't know, maybe... five... yeah... if I had just five more minutes to sleep THEN (and only then) I would feel completely refreshed."Has that ever happened to you? It's 9am (look, I know what you're thinking and you can shut the fuck up! I didn't wake up until 9am this morning, so what? I don't tell you how to live your life.) and your alarm goes off. You feel exhausted, you've never been more tired in your life (welcome to my day-to-day. Every day is worse than the last. 7, 8, 10, 13 hours of sleep, it doesn't matter, it still sucks to wake up). But wait! There is hope! With one clever movement of your arm, you hit a magic little button granting you five more minutes rest! Huzzah! You earned it, friend!

And it works! Five minutes later you wake up 100% rested, wandering why you even needed the silly snooze button before. Has this happened to you before? It has? You're seriously telling me you were dead tired at 9:00am, but at 9:05 you felt like a million euros?

Bullshit, sir or madam.

The snooze button makes less sense than SPEED. In fact, I would go as far as to say that it feels backwards that snooze buttons are reality and SPEED is fiction (maybe I exaggerate just a little. SPEED is total bullshit).

Who came up with 5 minutes as the industry standard for snooze alarms (ISSA for short), anyway?

"You know, Gary, after testing your invention for months, R&D (research and development for long) has come to the conclusion that four minutes is simply not enough sleep to feel 'fine and dandy', while six minutes is a grossly over-sized amount of sleep that has people feeling simply, for lack of a better word, much too 'rested', not being able to sleep again for months."

"Let's make the ISSA 5 minutes then, Reginald." I mean, God forbid I should sleep 7 extra minutes. Or 6 1/2. Or 3.

Does that make my snooze button a freak? Cause mine is 9 minutes. I don't want to be superficial or anything, but should I go looking for a more attractive snooze alarm? One that has the more conventional 5 instead of the larger and less appealing 9? I mean, I've been with my snooze alarm for going on 3 years now, but maybe it's time to call it quits.

"It's not you, it's me. I just can't go on sleeping for 9 extra minutes when the leading study shows that 5 minutes is the perfect amount."

And if 5 minutes makes little to no sense, then 9 minutes does make no sense. How did they come up with that one? At least 5 is a multiple of 5. 9? Whose ass was 9 pulled out of? My snooze button might as well be 6 1/2 minutes. Or 7 and 5/17ths.
Does anyone actually even sleep for those five minutes (or in my case 9)? I usually spend those extra, hard earned minutes dreading the reappearance of the shrill beeping alarm. Sure I sometimes get in a dream or two about showing up to school without pants (or showing up to sex with pants... that cannot be removed) but for the most part, I spend my extra time either watching the clock slowly tick away my sublime sleepy time and/or considering whether or not to hit the snooze alarm again so I can repeat the process.

So really, all I'm trying to say here is "What the fuck is the point of the snooze button?"

It doesn't make any sense. If I really wanted more sleep I would plan on my hitting the snooze alarm the next morning and would simply set my alarm for 5 (or 9) minutes later. That way it would be 5 (or 9) minutes of actual sleep, not just extra time in bed watching the clock.

It's really just a delay of the inevitable. So I guess, it's all a metaphor for life. So if the snooze button is a metaphor for life, is that enough to warrant it's existence?

Fuck no!

Fuck the snooze alarm. I hereby add it to my list of things I hate but still use on a semi-regular basis, joining the likes of COSTCO, McDonald's, and hookers.