The fortunes are getting impressive. Damn impressive.

"A SURPRISE GIFT FROM ANOTHER WILL LEAVE A LASTING IMPRESSION
PANDA EXPRESS * PANDA INN"

That was my fortune cookie fortune yesterday that came with my Panda Express meal (it seems we have confirmed that Panda Express drugs their food. Physical addiction is the only explanation as to why I would put myself through repeat eatings of the sub-par Chinese food.).

At least these vomit inducing meals have served one worthwhile purpose. I have stumbled onto the undeniable evolution of fortune cookie fortunes from fortune cookie fortunes that are not fortunes at all to fortune cookie fortunes that are diabolical in nature.

In my first fortune cookie fortune blog I brought to your attention fortune cookie fortunes that were more advice than anything else. Last fortune cookie fortune blog I applauded Fortune Cookie Fortune Writers for earning their FCFWGA cards for a change by writing fortune cookie fortunes that were a step in the right direction. Today, I plan to bring to your attention the latest wave of life ending fortune cookie fortunes that surpass even my vision of the apocalypse brought on by fortune cookie fortunes.

Though my proposal for dangerously specific fortune cookie fortunes has life destroying potential, the above fortune cookie fortune is incredibly effective in its vagueness. Which makes it frightening indeed.

Consider, if you will, the timing of said fortune. The fortune speaks of a "surprise gift" from "another" that will leave a "lasting impression." This fortune comes right before Valentine's Day. If someone looking/hoping for love got that fortune, they may spend the weekend waiting for a gift from a surprise lover. And it will most likely never come. Because Fortune Cookie Fortune Writers are not licensed psychics, they just enjoy dabbling in life altering fiction. And as discussed in my first fortune cookie fortune blog, if an actual surprise gift was in the cards, suspicions of black magic would still plague the fortune getter. Either way, the receiver of said fortune cookie fortune is in for a shitty weekend.

Or, imagine someone in a long term relationship. Might said fortune cookie fortune mean that your lover is going to finally propose? That sort of gift would leave a lasting impression indeed! But, when the proposal doesn't come, this person's expectations brought on by the cookie, that were not delivered upon, lead to an unsealable rift, destroying a young love that could very well have been lifelong love if not for the crafty fortune cookie fortune writer. Me thinks that anyone stupid enough to let a fortune cookie from Panda Express ruin a relationship isn't smart enough to reproduce, so this is simply the circle of life in action.

Lucky for me, I am neither in a long term relationship, nor hoping for a gift from an unknown admirer. The only surprise gift in my future is a Valentine's gift from mom, which isn't a surprise at all, because she sends me one every year. Thanks mom!

Unless... I have a sneaking suspicion that the "surprise gift" is either a knife or a bullet and "another" is actually one of my many enemies who would love to see me dead. Murdering me would certainly leave a "lasting impression" indeed.

Geez... maybe I better quit my job so I don't have to leave my apartment. But, then my enemies could still simply burn me alive in my apartment... Oh Jesus!

There I go, living the rest of my life in fear, because of a fortune cookie fortune!

Fortune cookie fortune writers, you have finally hit the big time!

(I don't promise shit, but hopefully this is my last  blog about fortune cookie fortunes. Though, with this Panda Express addiction, I wouldn't be so sure...)