(More like taste the stomach acids! Am I right?
More like Chinese for upset stomach! Am I right?)
I know, right? I don't even enjoy that shit.
Still, I felt the compelling urge to eat some Panda. So, I did. And a funny thing happened... I enjoyed it. Every last bite. In fact, instead of the Panda boredom setting it, as each bite brought me closer and closer to the end of my Panda meal, I actually became fearful. Fearful that I would soon be out of delicious Panda.
I believe they are drugging me. How else could I have gone from one who only enjoyed 3 bites of Panda Express to someone who nearly cried over the lack of Panda by the end of my meal? Also, how else can my recurring trips to Panda Express be explained? Why else would I be having these Panda cravings? They must be drugging me! I'm addicted to the Panda drug!
"YOUR TALENTS WILL CAPTURE YOU THE HIGHEST STATUS AND PRESTIGE
PANDA EXPRESS * PANDA INN"
I'm not sure why the fortune cookie shouted at me. Nor do I think the part about the hotel just for Pandas was meant for me. But, the other part was pretty damned closed to being a legitimate fortune. Mazletov, Fortune Cookie Fortune Writers! You have certainly earned your FCFWGA card today!
I wonder what talents it speaks of? I'm inclined to think writing talents, because, let's face it, my writing talent is fucking limitless. You're reading what I'm writing, aren't you? And you're a very discerning person dealy.
But who knows? It could be some yet undiscovered unbridled talent. Maybe I'll be the next Peyton Manning. You know, be the best quarterback during the regular NFL season but preform questionably in the post season. Or, maybe it's some yet undiscovered talent in cunnilingus (is that were the worst word imaginable comes from? [You know... the C-Word...]). Watch out ladies (and men with Vaginas)! Or, maybe, it's my talent as a DVD/Bluray organizer. Not sure how that one (or the cunnilingus one) will earn me the highest status and prestige, but hey, the world often works in mysterious ways.
(If you think I wrote about Peyton just so I could image search him again then... well... fuck you!)
Whatever-the-case, good work, my fortune cookie fortune writing friends. You're on the right track.
Just imagine how cool it would have been if you had written this instead...
"YOUR TALENTS IN SCREENWRITING WILL CAPTURE YOU MANY PROFITABLE STUDIO WRITING GIGS AND ACADEMY AWARDS
PANDA EXPRESS * PANDA INN"
You would have surely flipped my fucking lid. It would have been so oddly specific to me, that I would have totally bought that lie. You could have changed my life!
No matter how poor I got, no matter how miserable, no matter how many years I tried and failed, I never would have left LA if I had gotten the fortune. I could have been 80, and my (still living) friends would have been like, "Give it up man. You're 80! If you didn't make it as a writer 30 years ago, it's never going to happen! Quit your Barnes and Noble job and move back to Colorado you old fuck!"
And I would have sipped my wine and been like "Fuck you, sonny, for not believing in me. That fortune cookie fortune, 59 years ago said I was going to be somebody! I was going to be a contender! And I'm not giving up until I am!" (At age 80, I still drift in and out of semi-movie quotes.)
You could have ruined a person's life with your writing skills! My life! How bitchin' would that have been?
All writers aspire to destroying a human being with naught but words. Where do you think the old "Pen is mightier than the sword" adage came from?
It's complete bullshit, but writers have been trying to prove the opposite for years.
So, nice improvement fortune cookie fortune writers. But don't stop there. This is only the beginning! The beginning of a wonderful, life destroying future.
God's speed.
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