Even smaller, able to contact with even more people, and with even less dead zones than predicted by Star Trek in the 1960s (seriously every landing party seems lose contact with the Enterprise. If the thing didn't lose a signal on every planet the lives of sooo many Redshirts* could have been spared.), the cell phone allows us to never escape contact from our parents, disrupt movies, text while driving at high speeds, and never find a moment of piece and quiet. It's more of a game changer than Avatard could ever hope to be.
*I think this pic adequately defines the term "Redshirt."
Its' really crazy what a cell phone can do. At Barnes and Noble, customers pull up their coupons on their "smart" phones. You can even scan a coupon's bar code right off the screen! Gadzooks!
Really, though, I believe the Cell Phone's greatest application is it's extreme handiness in evading interaction with my fellow man.
You heard me... er... read me... er... read what I wrote right. I did indeed say "evade interaction," as opposed to it's more obvious utilization in making communication easier.
Allow me to explain.
Last night I finally saw the film Wall Street. Like many franchises before it (Die Hard, Kevin Smith movies, Star Trek) it took the impending release of a sequel to attract me to the original (I just saw the trailer for Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps this weekend). Say what you will about reboots and delayed sequels, but they certainly increase interest in the original film.
In Wall Street, during the opening credits, Charlie Sheen gets into a packed elevator with a bunch of other New York schmoes. Everyone in the elevator spends the ride to their floor ignoring one another by simply staring at the floor counter. I was like, "Awkward....."
I much prefer my way.
Get caught in an elevator with another person from your building? Easy. Whip out your... let me finish... cell phone (You thought I was going to say Penis! [My words may have said call phone, but my eyes did indeed say Penis.]) and pretend to engage yourself by checking an imaginary text message (If you jumped the gun and accidentally did whip out your penis, there are still ways to pretend to engage yourself, don't you worry.).
Or, if you're no good at pretending because your parents didn't let you watch Barney as a child, then go ahead and send a text message. See how your bro is doing, ask how many beers deep your buddy who's still in college is, or say hi to your mother (She'd love to hear from you, trust me.). Or, even better, go ahead and read this blog in the elevator. Cell phones are capable of many wondrous feats like that.
(The main reason I have the creative smarts and aspirations to work in a creative field while you're studying something boring and fact based? I watched more Barney as a child. So I have an imagination. Remember... "Barney was a dinosaur from our imag-i-na-tion!").
Cell phones have gotten me out of many tight jams (aka human interactions) in my years as an anti-social serial killer. In college, rarely a day went by when I didn't whip out my... cell phone... to avoid contact with another individual. Walking across campus and see that kid I always hate talking to? Ah, shit. Just got a text message, so I'll be looking at my screen and not even see him. Oops.
On very rare occasions, I'd put the phone to my ear, even though there was no one on the other end, just so I could avoid the painful human interaction that burns my sensitive alien parts. But how did man ever survive the ride in an elevator or trek across a college campus before there was something as distracting as a cell phone?
Maybe man did whip out his penis more regularly? Or, maybe he just had to grin and bear it, having polite conversations with complete strangers and acquaintances he'd rather not have. Either way, the world must have been a terrifying place.
So, next time a someone whips out his...cell phone... ruining the movie you just paid $13 to see, don't immediately jump out of your seat and force feed him popcorn until his stomach explodes and he dies from internal bleeding. First, consider how much better life is now that you have a cellphone to keep you from interacting with your peers... then force feed that fucker popcorn until his stomach explodes and he dies from internal bleeding. Or beat him to death with his own cell phone. Whichever you prefer (the second option IS more poetic.).
And don't forget to be generous with your old cell phone. If you donate your cell phone to a homeless person, it will not only serve to make them appear less crazy, they can also use it to ignore their peers.
Their filthy, sub-human, homeless peers.
Cheers.
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1 comment:
Sequels and reboots do more for the original than they do for the new movie. For one, you assume that the original must have been good enough in the first place to warrant a sequel/remake. Second, since the sequel/remake is (almost)never as good as the original, just watch the first one and ignore the new one. 9 times out of 10 you probably wouldn't miss anything.
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