How Often Does One Wash A Snuggie?

Back in October, I made $1600 by working for 8 days. And I did it without dealin' drugs or suckin' dicks. All right me! (If your curious, I was a PA on a RE/MAX Commercial shoot. That's how I made the money without suckin' dicks.)

Feeling high and mighty on my new found wealth, I thought I'd treat myself to something nice. So I made a life altering purchase!

While at Staples running an errand for work, I bought myself...

A Snuggie! For only $15!

But, alas, the common stigma relating to Snuggies is quite true. Even at only $15, a Snuggie is a monumental waste of money.

I figured a Snuggie would be like a blanket pancho. Cause that's the only thing that makes sense. And that would be fucking awesome.

(Like this, only  much longer [That's what she said!]. With sleeves. And made from a blanket.)

Imagine with me, if you will, crawling into your blanket pancho. Your front is warm. Your back is warm. Your hands are free. It would even have a hood so that your ears stay warm. That is what a Snuggie should be. And that's what I thought it was.

But it's not. A Snuggie is just a backwards bath robe, without the belt. So your ass gets cold. And you could get ass raped if your not careful! But you probably should have thought of that when choosing your roommates.

( I do not agree with the viewpoints expressed in this photo. Nor did I add the writing [I'm not that skilled]. It was really the only interesting photo with an open backed Snuggie.) 

The Snuggie really IS shit. Complete and utter horse shit. No, worse than horseshit, because it's not dry and hay-y. It's moist and stinky. Like dog shit. A Snuggie is complete and utter dog shit. Which is the worst kind of shit there is. Quite possibly.

(I refrained from posting a pic of Dog Shit here. Even though I google image searched that shit [Quite literally.].)

While I'm designing a dream Snuggie though, I think I'll take it a step further. It shouldn't just be a blanket pancho, it should be blanket pajamas. And not adult pajamas neither. Kid pajamas. The kind that you crawl into like a jumpsuit where even your feet are contained in the pajamas. Only this ultimate Snuggie should also cover your hands, like gloves. All that should be unprotected from the elements of your house is your face. Neigh, only your eyes and mouth should remain uncovered.

For eye and mouth fucking.

And it would have a dick sleeve, obviously. For peeing. And dick fucking.


And, it wouldn't have a zipper on the back, like children pajamas. Because that Zipper always hurt. Instead, one would have this ultimate Snuggie sewn shut around them. Sure, you would wear that Snuggie to your grave. But it would be the perfect piece of clothing. So you would be more than fine with it.

I guess there would need to be my patented "Ass Hatch." For pooping.

And ass fucking.

Easy Access indeed, picture. Easy Access indeed.

Anyway, though I just invented the perfect article clothing, the end all article of clothing, this is not why I wrote this blog. My world peace ensuring invention (think about it, who would go to war in the Ulitmate Snuggie? Cause you know 100% of the world's population would be sewn into one.) was just an added bonus. So, back on track we go.

I was disillusioned to find out that a Snuggie is just a backwards bath robe without a belt. Granted, it is made from a blanket instead of a towel, but is still fucking sucks. Just like a hospital gown, it leaves my ass bare when I prance through my apartment, naked except for the Snuggie.

 

(No other good Snuggie ass photos! I swear! Plus, I kinda like this one...)

I should have listened! I was like that person who sees one line for two cash registers, and assumes everyone is too fucking stupid to realize there is an open register. In reality, he is too fucking stupid to realize that there is one line that feeds into both registers. What a douche!

I was like that douche, assuming everyone else was too fucking stupid to realize the genius of the Snuggie. In reality, I was too fucking stupid to realize the Snuggie was just fucking stupid.

But it was only $15! So I only overpaid, like what, $15?

 

I should have burned that money instead.

Now that I have explained why I own a Snuggie (as if there could ever be an explanation for that), I come (must... not... make... cum.... joke... [Be strong old boy.]) to my point .

How often does one wash a Snuggie? (See, that's the title. Just like a Bond movie, the title makes it into my Blog. ["So you live to Die Another Day."]).

I've owned my Snuggie since October and I haven't washed it yet. Is that acceptable? Should I have washed it by now?

Granted, I've only worn it twice, ever, because it's fucking worthless (Seriously, never buy a Snuggie. Even if you're given one as a gift, don't accept it. It's just going to take up space.)

You think I should just go ahead and wash it?

You think I should wash it, don't you?

Fine.

I'll wash it this weekend. Or burn it. We'll see.